Contemplating Divorce

[MsZ 6]

I'm sorry to hear all of this. But your husband has some real problems of his own. He doesn't take responsibility for any of his decisions -- he pushes the responsibility onto his parents and onto you.

He's really not a grownup.

If his attitude about counseling is not to try to repair the relationship and do some growing himself, I'm not sure I'd be up for the heartache. Then again, maybe a counselor could at least impress upon him that he's got a responsibility issue. It may help in the longer term.

I'm really, really sorry. You don't deserve this. Nobody does. :-(

BTW, homesickness wasn't wrecking your marriage.

[Tankgurl38 0]

So silly question....how can you be the controlling person who took him away from everything he knows and loves in Canada, when he willinging went down there and completed the Visa process so he could be with you in the US? Crazy!

[thetreble 19]

So silly question....how can you be the controlling person who took him away from everything he knows and loves in Canada, when he willinging went down there and completed the Visa process so he could be with you in the US? Crazy!

True. But I know I have felt that way many times since I've been here so I'm not going to judge him for feeling that way either, whether right or wrong.

Hope it works out for ya, Ruby. Keep your chin up.

[coldwatersurf 5]

So silly question....how can you be the controlling person who took him away from everything he knows and loves in Canada, when he willinging went down there and completed the Visa process so he could be with you in the US? Crazy!

True. But I know I have felt that way many times since I've been here so I'm not going to judge him for feeling that way either, whether right or wrong.

Hope it works out for ya, Ruby. Keep your chin up.

i have felt this way too but what Sean needs to realize is that he's an adult who made this decision.

as my counsellor told me - there's a lot of "I" & finger pointing and "You" in this situation and the 2 people involved will need to change that to "we".

Ruby - i was in the same situation. Go to the counsellor even if Sean doesnt want to go. it will really help you. My ex said he would go to counselling and wouldnt go w/ me on appointment days. And he also wanted to leave the relationship and he did. I couldnt do anything about my relationship, but I went to the counsellor for myself cuz i was tired of being unhappy. At that point, all you can help is yourself. it was such a good feeling to get things out and find out what was really bothering me and being able to deal with it. its a great feeling when you get to the happy point again. I know people have mentioned that counsellors prescribe unnecessary pills/etc. My counsellor was a retired nurse (not doctor) so she said she couldnt prescribe medication and her practice was to do it naturally. Plus she has experience in observing suicides, alcohol & drug abuse and depression as she watched her father kill himself w/ a shotgun. So she dedicated her career in helping people get through these type of situations. I hope you find a counsellor as good as mine. No matter how the world around feels like its crumbling, going to the counsellor will help you get by. This is a good move for you.

[Sprailenes 47]

I think both of them are doing finger pointing. There are no victims in this marriage, the only victim is CRH and that was something that stemmed from a home invasion and unfortunately her husband now has to pay for the predator did to her and what I mean by that is CRH's unwillingness to be alone or allow herself to be alone.

CRH, you seemed bothered by him leaving well before he left. I am a firm believer in learning to stand on your own before leaning on someone else, and perhaps you haven't quite learned to stand alone yet. I understand you're afraid but surely you could have found another way to deal with it other than be that woman who called him crying and begging for him to come back while he was visiting family that he had just left behind. In a relationship that involves distance there is a strong chance that there will be time apart.

I do wish you luck, and I think you both need to take a few steps back and just take a breath. He may be feeling smothered right now and you are feeling alone. Both of you just need to wait for the waters to calm.

[thetreble 19]

So silly question....how can you be the controlling person who took him away from everything he knows and loves in Canada, when he willinging went down there and completed the Visa process so he could be with you in the US? Crazy!

True. But I know I have felt that way many times since I've been here so I'm not going to judge him for feeling that way either, whether right or wrong.

Hope it works out for ya, Ruby. Keep your chin up.

i have felt this way too but what Sean needs to realize is that he's an adult who made this decision.

I'm also an adult that made that decision, but it doesn't mean it wasn't a hard one I struggle with every day. I don't like judging peoples situations, which is not what you are doing, but I don't like giving advice when we know so very little of both sides of the story. We are getting a one-sided-internet look into someone's marriage. A marriage is so complicated and I don't think it's all him or it's all her.

I agree with the counseling for the OP, though! It's a good idea.

[coldwatersurf 5]

i guess its just disappointing to see one is stepping out of the relationship when you've come far with the immigration process and not give the relationship time to grow. With the amount of time that Sean has spent in US, it just make him seem like he didnt even give it a chance.

edit: i thought Sean didnt spend too much time in US. my mistake. i went back to the original post.

but something bothered me..... he wants to go back to canada for 3 weeks when he gets his GC? is he just trying to get the GC?

Edited May 14, 2009 by borderdriver

[July09Bride 1]

Ruby, keep on the straight and narrow with your plan. I think you should welcome Sean back in a simple way (as in nothing over-the-top) and good for the two of you to agree to counseling. I'm glad his mom encouraged him to return to Texas.

[*JG* 2]

I'm so sorry.

Yes, I think you should see someone. From experience, I know you will never get completely over that vulnerable feeling. Your husband should have a little more sympathy and understanding. Shows a lack of maturity on his part, if you ask me.

I wish you luck.

[JillA 2]

i guess its just disappointing to see one is stepping out of the relationship when you've come far with the immigration process and not give the relationship time to grow. With the amount of time that Sean has spent in US, it just make him seem like he didnt even give it a chance.

edit: i thought Sean didnt spend too much time in US. my mistake. i went back to the original post.

but something bothered me..... he wants to go back to canada for 3 weeks when he gets his GC? is he just trying to get the GC?

I doubt that, because if he wants to move back to Canada what use will the GC be to him there. Probably he couldn't go home to visit before he got his GC, if he was still under AOS.

Edited May 14, 2009 by JillA

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

CRH, you seemed bothered by him leaving well before he left. I am a firm believer in learning to stand on your own before leaning on someone else, and perhaps you haven't quite learned to stand alone yet. I understand you're afraid but surely you could have found another way to deal with it other than be that woman who called him crying and begging for him to come back while he was visiting family that he had just left behind. In a relationship that involves distance there is a strong chance that there will be time apart.

This might just be my irritability and confusion talking, but while I think you have a valid point about learning how to stand on one's own, I also find this comment to be offensive. I was very independent for a long time before marrying my husband, and even afterward. I was able to work two jobs in college, pay for my own car in full, buy my own house after college, and I got scholarships/grants to get through college without taking out loans (and graduated Summa Cum Laude). I'm doing really, really well at work and am an officer in my volunteer public speaking club. It frustrates me to no end that some jerk broke into my house and took my ability to be independent away from me. I don't think it's easy for most people to understand what that feels like.

Whoever it was who said that we can't really judge got it right. Heck, I can't judge and I'm in the situation. I have been very polite and pleasant toward Sean--I made it a point to be after he told me he wants to leave me. I don't think it's productive to be a big jerk when he was so upfront and shared his feelings with me, hurtful as they are. It's too soon to know what I really think of this or to know what to do.

[thetreble 19]

Exactly. He was probably stuck in the US for awhile and was grasping at the chance of going home. I know I did! And if my husband called and bothered me during that time, I would have given him an earful as well.

However, it's a shame he doesn't want to work it out. It really is.

[July09Bride 1]

It is always in the best interest to think "happy thoughts" and always keep an open mind. Sometimes I know I'm "right" - I just KNOW it! But, then, as soon as I step outta my little bubble, I can see other sides and I realize I'm only partially right or sometimes, not even right at all.

Again, just keep things simple and try to smile when you can.

[trailmix 77]

CRH, you seemed bothered by him leaving well before he left. I am a firm believer in learning to stand on your own before leaning on someone else, and perhaps you haven't quite learned to stand alone yet. I understand you're afraid but surely you could have found another way to deal with it other than be that woman who called him crying and begging for him to come back while he was visiting family that he had just left behind. In a relationship that involves distance there is a strong chance that there will be time apart.

This might just be my irritability and confusion talking, but while I think you have a valid point about learning how to stand on one's own, I also find this comment to be offensive. I was very independent for a long time before marrying my husband, and even afterward. I was able to work two jobs in college, pay for my own car in full, buy my own house after college, and I got scholarships/grants to get through college without taking out loans (and graduated Summa Cum Laude). I'm doing really, really well at work and am an officer in my volunteer public speaking club. It frustrates me to no end that some jerk broke into my house and took my ability to be independent away from me. I don't think it's easy for most people to understand what that feels like.

Whoever it was who said that we can't really judge got it right. Heck, I can't judge and I'm in the situation. I have been very polite and pleasant toward Sean--I made it a point to be after he told me he wants to leave me. I don't think it's productive to be a big jerk when he was so upfront and shared his feelings with me, hurtful as they are. It's too soon to know what I really think of this or to know what to do.

Yes, some of the comments here have painted you as a clinging, crying, dependant wreck who can't stand on her own two feet - i'm sorry that is the case Ruby.

You are traumatized and this is a very hard time for you. I wonder how many women here would be asserting their independence if they had walked half a block in your shoes.

We don't know your fear and hurt (and I hope no one else ever has to)

Again, I wish you well.

Edited May 14, 2009 by trailmix

[Sprailenes 47]

CRH, you seemed bothered by him leaving well before he left. I am a firm believer in learning to stand on your own before leaning on someone else, and perhaps you haven't quite learned to stand alone yet. I understand you're afraid but surely you could have found another way to deal with it other than be that woman who called him crying and begging for him to come back while he was visiting family that he had just left behind. In a relationship that involves distance there is a strong chance that there will be time apart.

This might just be my irritability and confusion talking, but while I think you have a valid point about learning how to stand on one's own, I also find this comment to be offensive. I was very independent for a long time before marrying my husband, and even afterward. I was able to work two jobs in college, pay for my own car in full, buy my own house after college, and I got scholarships/grants to get through college without taking out loans (and graduated Summa Cum Laude). I'm doing really, really well at work and am an officer in my volunteer public speaking club. It frustrates me to no end that some jerk broke into my house and took my ability to be independent away from me. I don't think it's easy for most people to understand what that feels like.

Whoever it was who said that we can't really judge got it right. Heck, I can't judge and I'm in the situation. I have been very polite and pleasant toward Sean--I made it a point to be after he told me he wants to leave me. I don't think it's productive to be a big jerk when he was so upfront and shared his feelings with me, hurtful as they are. It's too soon to know what I really think of this or to know what to do.

Well I didn't mean to offend you and I wasn't talking about being independent. I mean you just sound very dependent on him right now and he could be feeling smothered. You can't hold him accountable for the way you feel. It seems like you're angry at him for not dropping things to come home to you, it seems like you're angry that he isn't giving you the reaction you desire. All of this stemming from something that he didn't have anything to do with. And what is happening is NORMAL. But you need to go to counselling to deal with that event before you can deal with anything else with a clear mind because you are experiencing so many emotions that stem from that incident.