Changing your last name; thoughts?

[FormelyCA 0]

A question for all of you - how many of you ladies have changed your last name to your husbands last name??

I am not sure what to do. I want to do it all before I file for AoS and get my SSN etc etc but, I have been torn lately.

Here is my thing. I have already given up my Canadian life, friends, family, Zerhs, dill pickle chips, and President's Choice products and what? Now I have to give up my last name too?????? I mean it is ME, it has been me forever. It's my email address (gmail, yahoo, AND hotmail...I am a monopoly ). It is uniquely me, there is not another one (and I would know, I have googled it....c'mon, who hasn't ).

I guess I never realized that when I decided to marry a USC that a lot of my independence, my identity would be sorta gone. I am no longer Carrie *** from Canada. I am Carrie (insert foreign name) from USA. Well, I guess I'm not FROM USA. but.....I'm just having a hard time changing my life around for one person. I am not having cold feet, just the reality of how big this move is is hitting me. I have always been VERY independent and sorta feel like a hypocrite. Like, OH how independent can one be if one changes ones life around for one person (whoa, thats alotta ONES in that sentence)??? And, whats totally weird is that I have lived overseas for 4 years! So I am WELL aware of what it is like to move away. Then again, maybe that's where my fear partly comes from. In the 4 years I was away I missed my neice and nephew grow up really, and now we aren't AS close. So maybe I saw a glimpse into what FOUR years was like and am now wondering what forever will be like.

It's funny, I tell my 17 yr old niece not to change her life around for a guy. But what did I do????? Am I being a hypocrite? She wants to go to the same university as him and will go where he goes and I tell her, "Do you really wanna change your life for one guy???" But...ummm....that's what I did. And I know he isn't JUST a guy, my fiance is a lot more to me than that. But, in the end, it is still one person. I put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. And I made a LOT of changes to be with this person. I gave up a LOT of things that I loved that I never really considered. And these are also things that haven't happened yet. I am giving up being able to spend time with my mother and having her teach me how to crochet, or knit or quit. I am giving up having my sister's come around when I am pregnant to see my progress and rub my belly. Or even when I DO have a baby, I am giving up time spent with it's gramma and grampa. I am giving up a lot of things and I feel as if my name is something that I can hold onto. Kinda like, "hey let me keep this at LEAST!!"

BUT, at the same time, when we DO have kids, I want them to have HIS last name. And I don't wanna be the oddman out so then i think it would be nice to have his last name, since we will be starting our OWN family one day *sigh* Never happy. I wonder if I just think too much

Man, I think Im PMSing But, I am curious if any other Canadians felt this way soon after their move down to the US?

[Emancipation 2]

awe.. i hear you...

I did change my name.. it's a weird situation though.. my husband's ex never changed her name back to her maiden name.. so her & I have the same last name now.. that kinda creeps me out a bit.. I think she kept it for the kids..

It is something i was brought up expecting - my name to change.. so it isn't as much a part of my identity for me personally.. My expectation was always such that I would gain a new last name.

Losing your independence and the confidence you had in familiar circumstances IS one of the hardest things about this journey though.. completely agree there!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Hyphenate it

I have always said I would not change my name, but after meeting Don at 35, I saw things in a different light and I knew that he prefered that I take his last name for traditional reasons...but in hindsight, I wish I had hyphenated....my new last name is extremely common whereas my former was rare, if never seen - I as unique! The only remaining girls with my maiden name in the family are my brother's 2....but I digress.

Children could still have the single last name and if you hyphenate, that allows your name to still partially be their's and it establishs an obvious connection.

In some respects, I felt the same as you - I gave up an aweful lot coming here and this was one more item. This is not the 60's though, you can hyphenate and not be seen as some bra-burning feminist. It's a BIG deal to change you name - it IS who you are.

I have trouble recognizing the new 'Mrs Bob Jones' tital when I'm addressed or see it written down.(no that is not my real name )

The plus side is that NO ONE ever mispronounces or misspells my married name - but I hate being regular sometimes

awe.. i hear you...

I did change my name.. it's a weird situation though.. my husband's ex never changed her name back to her maiden name.. so her & I have the same last name now.. that kinda creeps me out a bit.. I think she kept it for the kids..

It is something i was brought up expecting - my name to change.. so it isn't as much a part of my identity for me personally.. My expectation was always such that I would gain a new last name.

Losing your independence and the confidence you had in familiar circumstances IS one of the hardest things about this journey though.. completely agree there!

Doesn't that peeve you to certain degree? Does me - I want her to change it back because she still gets addressed as Mrs So-and So...and DAMMIT she is NOT the Mrs anymore

[Emancipation 2]

Doesn't that peeve you to certain degree? Does me - I want her to change it back because she still gets addressed as Mrs So-and So...and DAMMIT she is NOT the Mrs anymore

Oh it totally does... it drives Hubby & his family even more bonkers though... she has a hyphenated name on FB so not sure if she's hyphenating these days.. but yep it does!

[Sprailenes 47]

I did not change my last name. It's the name my grandfather died with and it's the name I will die with. There are a number of reasons I don't want to change it, politics mostly... can't explain it entirely because I don't want to bore you all.

But basically we've been fighting to change our last name back to what it originally was before my great grandmother remarried a french man and unfortunately we can't find ties to that last name. For 10 years we had searched and searched trying to get my grandfathers status back to the way it was. Unfortunatly back in the day if a native woman remarried a man outside of her race, her native status was taken away from her. So my great grandmother lost her status as did my grandfather.

Anyways, before my grandfather died he said that it was okay that we never got everything changed back to the way it was and not to waste our time trying anymore but to just accept what was. I don't know, I took that to heart and I refuse to change my name now. It's a french name, but it's my name.

[Flames9_RN 358]

I think you should do what your husband wants you to do!! lol Tough decision!

[FormelyCA 0]

^ I would ask him but I am not allowed to ask him q's until dinner is made and I have rubbed his feet haha

Wow Emancipation, I would be fuming! I mean I get that she does it for the kids KIND of, but.....how weird.

Sprailenes I get what your saying, a name really is important. Especially if it goes back generations.

Yeah Udella, I think I may hyphenate. That way I can still have part of me.

But wow, doing research on this name change is CONFUSING. I called my local SS office and she was like "yah just bring your marriage certificate in" Ok. easy. But all the other stuff seems confusing. Do I file all my other papers with new hyphenated name. I read that once you marry THAT is your legal proof of name change, whether you go by it or not. Yoozers. I'm so sick of researching about USCIS Hurry AoS!!!

[SapphireDreams 71]

I plan to change my last name, but not until after our church wedding in Sept 2010. I know it's going to be a huge hassle and will most likely phase it in slowly, but I want to keep my maiden name for job purposes at first anyways, and we want to pretend that we're engaged until then anyways.....

And, when I do change it, I might hyphenate. I don't really love my maiden name, but it has a nice ring to it and its not that common and while I don't hate my fiance's last name, it would sound nice hyphenated or alone... it would just be really long if it was hypehnated... so we'll see.

I think that once we have kids I would just use his name anyways so I might as well just bite the bullet. I feel like I'm making this huge leap in faith to move there so that we can be our own family, and so having the same last name would complete that 'own family' part.

[JillA 2]

I did not/am not changing my name. I just find that old fashioned, I much prefer my own last name to his.... When we have kids, my last name will be their middle name (it's that type of name that would be OK for a middle name) and that's that. Plus, the thought of all that paperwork ugggg no thank you! He is fine with it too, doesn't care either way.

About the ex not taking their old name back, when my parents divorced after 25 yrs of marriage, my Mom kept my Dad's last name. After all, she had that name longer than her maiden name (they married at 21) and it was a very amicable break-up. She couldn't fathom changing her name back, and therefore kept it. So I think depending on the circumstances even upon divorce it's OK to keep the name.

[Misty1979 0]

I totally hear where you're coming from! When I got married, I wanted to change my last name, but my family wanted me to keep my maiden name, since in their minds I kinda "ditched" them, and it would be the only piece of my family and Canada I have left to bring with me here.

The way it ended up working out was that I didn't change it, not for the above reasons, but I was just about to file my CR-1 package, and was worried that a name change in the midst of all this would slow the process down (I know better now, hehe.)

It worked out well for me though because my last name is very french, and my husband loves all the extra attention it gets me down here...literally everyone just likes to say my name so they can try to pronounce it, hehe.

The only weird thing about it is this: His ex-wife hasn't changed her last name.. I wish she would, but she probably just doesn't have the money since she wastes it on stupid things, anywho that's another story for another day, so yeah, she has his last name, and I don't. How is that for screwed up?!

But the bottom line is, you need to do what is best for you when it comes down to the last piece of your identity! If you really want your childen to carry your new family name and don't want to be the odd one out, change it! I think if I had children, I would likely want them to have my husband's last name as well, and would probably feel the same as you about being out of the loop.

That being said, if your last name is your last piece of your "previous" identity, and it is something you hold dear to your heart, don't let it go. I'm sure your husband will understand, and you'll probably feel better about not letting every last piece of your previous life go after you're adjusted down here. It's not an easy decision by any means, but I'm sure you'll make the right one when the time comes

[Emancipation 2]

About the ex not taking their old name back, when my parents divorced after 25 yrs of marriage, my Mom kept my Dad's last name. After all, she had that name longer than her maiden name (they married at 21) and it was a very amicable break-up. She couldn't fathom changing her name back, and therefore kept it. So I think depending on the circumstances even upon divorce it's OK to keep the name.

My auntie did the same thing.. and that makes sense of course

But in the case of my husband's ex.. after 5 years and she left him for a new guy cause she was in a "prison" being married to my husband.. I'd think she'd want her name back?

[JillA 2]

About the ex not taking their old name back, when my parents divorced after 25 yrs of marriage, my Mom kept my Dad's last name. After all, she had that name longer than her maiden name (they married at 21) and it was a very amicable break-up. She couldn't fathom changing her name back, and therefore kept it. So I think depending on the circumstances even upon divorce it's OK to keep the name.

My auntie did the same thing.. and that makes sense of course

But in the case of my husband's ex.. after 5 years and she left him for a new guy cause she was in a "prison" being married to my husband.. I'd think she'd want her name back?

OH yeah in that case, she should change her name back! The funny thing is, so my Mom still has my Dad's last name yet his new wife, didn't take his name because they married in Quebec so it's a bit odd!

[trailmix 77]

I think you should do what your husband wants you to do!! lol Tough decision!

Everyone has a different take on this one - just like everyone has a different take on what a wedding should be.

Like some people have said here, they enjoy having a unique name - whether that be their Husband's name or their maiden name. Some people, like Sprailenes, feel that way because of a strong tie to their ancestors.

So I think it is a really personal decision. I have my maiden name - it is my name. I changed it for my first marriage - I don't really know why - but I will never change it again because I can't imagine why I would.

If you do decide to keep it and you want to be known by your Husband's last name when you have children, that's easy - just have the school use that name, when you introduce yourself to other parents you can be Mrs - Husband's last name.

As for changing everything for this man you love, well that is just circumstance - it's not like he is ordering you to the new land, he riding on the wagon, you running along behind carrying the firewood

Oh and the whole divorce/change the name thing. My parents divorced mannnnnny years ago. My Mother still has our family name and she always will - she sees it as hers too. I understand a wifes frustration about this - but I also see the flip side.

Edited May 1, 2009 by trailmix

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I really dig the idea of combining the 2 and both people taking the new name' ...heard of a couple who did that

[Autumnchik 6]

I agree that it is a personal decision and unique to each person. I have struggled with this issue too. I had thought that I would change my name to my husband's when we married. However, I kept putting it off. First, it was .... "oh after our church ceremony, then I'll change it." Then it was .... "I'll change it when I get pregnant. " After that, it was .... "when I actually have a kid, I'll change my name."

Well, my little boy is 1 next week and I still have my maiden name. I realized as I kept putting it off, that I am not ready to change it. For me, my name is such a part of who I am. I have been known professionally by my name since 1998. My husband did not have a preference, except that he wanted our children to have his name. I am still torn, as I do want to have the same name as my child, yet also want to keep my maiden name. And hyphenating it doesn't sound right to me ... so I don't know what I'm gonna do!!!