Why I don't want children

[Galateia 1]

I'm 28 and want kids less than ever.

I've had some truly offensive things said to me by people who felt that it was appropriate to talk smack about my choice not to have them; I often wonder what they would have said if I'd reviled their choice to have kids the way they did my choice not to.

Thankfully, now that I'm almost 30, people have toned down their condescending remarks about me changing my mind when I'm older, as if I'm a pigtailed toddler saying she doesn't want to wear dresses, ever!

[MrsCat 6]

^ I hate those kind of comments too. Why do those people assume that if you don't want kids there is something deficient with you now and eventually you'll come around to being normal?!

Personally, I don't want any of my own kids. I'd love to foster though. Unfortunately my husband thinks that's a total last resort, if we can't have our own or adopt. We're currently at an impasse. C'est la vie.

Edited April 9, 2009 by MrsCat

[Sprailenes 47]

People do the same thing with me regarding having only 1 child. A lot of people ask: "Omg why would you do something like that?"

It's really none of their business. I was happy being an only child and my son is content with his life. He tells me all of the time that he doesn't want a brother or sister.

[thetreble 19]

Yeah I don't understand it at all. I fully believe if you don't want children you SHOULDN'T have them. How many people out there have kids as a crutch to save a bad relationship or by mistake and then totally neglect them.

I had a really good friend when I was small. She's on my facebook. She has 3 children. She just had her third about 4 weeks ago. She is jobless and all three children are from different fathers. I'm sure she is a fantastic mother, but why after the first without any support did you not stop...even if for a little bit...and re-think your plan. Just makes me wonder I guess.

Kids aren't for every one. Maybe I will change my mind yet again in a few years!

[Sprailenes 47]

I don't know. People have their reasons. Sometimes people get caught up in a life.

Maybe she thought she was doing the right thing with each guy?

We just don't know peoples reasons until we've walked a mile in their shoes.

[thetreble 19]

Too true. I wish her nothing but luck and I hope those kids get everything they need. She loves them to death, obviously. I saw her a few summers ago walking downtown Kitchener in hooker's clothes (haha don't ask me what that even means) pushing her stroller with some thug beside her. I was in my work clothes walking around at lunch time when I worked in the municipal building.

She didn't recognize me. I sort of thought to myself..wow...worlds apart.

[JillA 2]

This co-workers son of mine, she wanted to set us up years ago.... well he lives at home at age 30 with no job, he impregnated this girl he hooked up with, not his GF. So when she's 7 months pregnant, he impregnants a different girl. So how he has 2 daughters not far apart in age, and here's the kicker - both women don't know about the other. And his parents are paying the child support to both as he has no job. I understand screwing up the first time, but the second time? Come on, cover up you idiot.

[Sprailenes 47]

My ex was planning on adopting a girl from China with his current wife.

I am still very close with his mother. She is my son's grandmother so she is a part of my life. His mom told me that if this was going to happen she would do everything in her power to stop it because he can't even acknowledge Ethan.

But since this talk has happened him and his wife have separated. So I don't know about that. He was into asian girls too so I just pictured him being some creepy Woody Allen type guy once the girl was legal. I know that's not nice but it was all I kept thinking.

Edited April 9, 2009 by Sprailenes

[SonoranSongbird 3]

I'm 28 and want kids less than ever.

I've had some truly offensive things said to me by people who felt that it was appropriate to talk smack about my choice not to have them; I often wonder what they would have said if I'd reviled their choice to have kids the way they did my choice not to.

Thankfully, now that I'm almost 30, people have toned down their condescending remarks about me changing my mind when I'm older, as if I'm a pigtailed toddler saying she doesn't want to wear dresses, ever!

I still get some of that at 42. My situation is different---I really would have liked to have children, but my ex was unwilling to consider adoption and our biological child was stillborn. By the time I was on my feet enough financially to consider adopting as a single mom (after dumping his sorry #######), I was in my late 30s with parents who were starting to need more help from me and it just seemed too daunting to try to do it all without a partner. I knew that when and if I got married or just had another partner, it would almost certainly be someone older than me who already had grown kids so if I did not adopt on my own, I likely would just have to settle for skipping over the mom stage and being a step grandmom, which actually became appealing by the time I hit 40.

Turns out I got married at 41 to a man 10 years older than me who had never had kids either. The thought of starting to raise kids when we are 45 and 55 or so respectively just doesn't appeal, much as I wish one or the other of us had at least one child from a previous relationship. But people still say "oh you never know." And that is somewhat true---we might decide to adopt a child who is much older, say a 10-year-old foster child, and my mom had an unplanned pregnancy when she was older than I am now, so nothing is impossible---but the tone of it is always that idea that I just don't know my own mind "yet."

My personal favorites are the stereotypes: if you don't have children, it is because you are selfish, inconsiderate, or cold and distant. Honestly, I don't know anyone without children who really fits those stereotypes. And in my situation, having a child would be the most selfish thing I could do. It would likely mean shifting the burden of taking care of my parents onto my sister, who is single and less financially secure than we are. How fair is that?

The other side of these why-I-do/don't-want-children discussions is always people who don't want children complaining that their friends who do have children have become complete bores who don't talk about anything other than the details of their kids' potty training. In all honesty, not one of my friends with kids ever fit that stereotype. True, I like kids and really enjoy hearing what cute new thing they learned, but even I'd be bored hearing every detail of when little Zoe or Evan went to the potty today---as would nearly every parent of a toddler I've ever met.

Not sure why either stereotype persists, given that I don't know anyone who meets either of them. But they do, and these discussions almost always break down into an us versus them kind of thing.

Okay, that's the end of my rant about it.

[The_Dude 1,142]

My sister always said that I should get a clone of myself....... as repayment and rehabilitation for my being a terror of a child.

[tysalanna 0]

Having children is a personal decision. I think it requires a lot of faith since there are so many negative things in the world that can make raising a family very difficult. I have to say that I am very blessed because I have six children. Making a choice not to have children is really not anyone elses business. I believe having children is important; however, that is what I believe. I hope you folks won't redicule me too much. HA HA

[Krikit 1,164]

Having children is a personal decision. I think it requires a lot of faith since there are so many negative things in the world that can make raising a family very difficult. I have to say that I am very blessed because I have six children. Making a choice not to have children is really not anyone elses business. I believe having children is important; however, that is what I believe. I hope you folks won't redicule me too much. HA HA

God bless you. Or is it God blessed you?

[SonoranSongbird 3]

Yeah, it's also not even just the decision to have kids but WHEN to have them and how many to have. I'm no supporter of Sarah Palin, but I was appalled at a person who called into a radio show questioning whether she showed poor judgment by choosing to have 5 kids. #######? John McCain and Georg Bush Sr both have 6 kids and Mitt Romney has 5 as well. Didn't seem to be an issue with any of them.

I have a friend who has 5 kids and people always ask why she had "so many children." And Sprailenes' comments about people asking why she only has one are not unusual either. Every family is different. We don't all need to have EXACTLY 2 kids sometime between 25 and 35.

[Ontarkie 14,193]

Having children is a personal decision. I think it requires a lot of faith since there are so many negative things in the world that can make raising a family very difficult. I have to say that I am very blessed because I have six children. Making a choice not to have children is really not anyone elses business. I believe having children is important; however, that is what I believe. I hope you folks won't redicule me too much. HA HA

I agree with you. It is deffinitly a personal decision. No redicule from me, I have 4 kids and would love to have more. The only time I think someone is being selfish is when they enter a relationship knowing full well that the other person wants kids badly. And the person that wants kids is led to believe that the other may change their mind later down the road. So the person who wants kids is under the impression that one day it will hapen.

I have a very good friend who loves children and always wanted them and he would be the best dad ever, but his wife did just that led him to believe that it may happen. She never said to him that she never wanted kids. She just said maybe later. but she has told everyone else she does'nt we did warn hibut he believed her. Now after years of waiting she tells him she never wanted kids and there is no way she is changing her mind.

Well they barely speak to each other each blaming the other for the state they are in.

I think and this is just me but if someone knows they dont want kids but their SO does they have better make it clear it wont happen. If both ppl agree then fine, if not they need to split up. If that person truly loved the other they would leave and not do that to their SO. I just hate seeing this happen to good ppl on both sides have enough sense to protect each other from that kind of heart break.

Ok hope that made sense and its just my thoughts

Danielle

[MissStacey 1]

I'm 28 and want kids less than ever.

I've had some truly offensive things said to me by people who felt that it was appropriate to talk smack about my choice not to have them; I often wonder what they would have said if I'd reviled their choice to have kids the way they did my choice not to.

Thankfully, now that I'm almost 30, people have toned down their condescending remarks about me changing my mind when I'm older, as if I'm a pigtailed toddler saying she doesn't want to wear dresses, ever!

That really sucks, I've never had anyone (yet) criticize me for not wanting kids.