Living Together

[Krikit 1,164]

Very good/interesting posts in here. I'm a little confused by the notion of living with someone to get to know them before marrying first, though. To me, that's what the dating sequence is for. Then the engagement states your commitment to marry and build a life together. Whether you live together through marriage or just as common-law, you still have to go through the same process of adjusting to having another person in your space 24/7, and co-mingling assets. Both methods are painful. And both methods will require separation of assets and heartache should they end. Living with someone as opposed to marrying someone isn't going to make these things any easier, nor is it going to give you an opportunity to test the waters. It's blooming hard to be in a relationship, and it's going to take time to adjust whether you're married or not. Personally, I think it takes a minimum of two years to go through the adjustment process, and then another 8 to settle in. Don't get me wrong.... it's not all doom and gloom. But the reality is that we all like our own space and our own methods of doing things..... and, sometimes, someone who is not conforming to that reality is going to take some time to get retrained.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Phew - good to know I'm almost finished adjusting and then I just have the settling in phase!!!!

LOL

PS - my husband's retraining is going well...honey don't be offended if you read this

Edited February 18, 2009 by Udella&Wiz

[JillA 2]

Very good/interesting posts in here. I'm a little confused by the notion of living with someone to get to know them before marrying first, though. To me, that's what the dating sequence is for. Then the engagement states your commitment to marry and build a life together. Whether you live together through marriage or just as common-law, you still have to go through the same process of adjusting to having another person in your space 24/7, and co-mingling assets. Both methods are painful. And both methods will require separation of assets and heartache should they end. Living with someone as opposed to marrying someone isn't going to make these things any easier, nor is it going to give you an opportunity to test the waters. It's blooming hard to be in a relationship, and it's going to take time to adjust whether you're married or not. Personally, I think it takes a minimum of two years to go through the adjustment process, and then another 8 to settle in. Don't get me wrong.... it's not all doom and gloom. But the reality is that we all like our own space and our own methods of doing things..... and, sometimes, someone who is not conforming to that reality is going to take some time to get retrained.

Here here! I'm still "training" my husband to PLEASE put down the toilet seat, as we only have 1 bathroom!

[Krikit 1,164]

Phew - good to know I'm almost finished adjusting and then I just have the settling in phase!!!!

LOL

PS - my husband's retraining is going well...honey don't be offended if you read this

Thank God I'm finished adjusting. It was hit and miss there for a while..... it's hard to go through life wondering whether to kill him or to kiss him.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Very good/interesting posts in here. I'm a little confused by the notion of living with someone to get to know them before marrying first, though. To me, that's what the dating sequence is for. Then the engagement states your commitment to marry and build a life together. Whether you live together through marriage or just as common-law, you still have to go through the same process of adjusting to having another person in your space 24/7, and co-mingling assets. Both methods are painful. And both methods will require separation of assets and heartache should they end. Living with someone as opposed to marrying someone isn't going to make these things any easier, nor is it going to give you an opportunity to test the waters. It's blooming hard to be in a relationship, and it's going to take time to adjust whether you're married or not. Personally, I think it takes a minimum of two years to go through the adjustment process, and then another 8 to settle in. Don't get me wrong.... it's not all doom and gloom. But the reality is that we all like our own space and our own methods of doing things..... and, sometimes, someone who is not conforming to that reality is going to take some time to get retrained.

Here here! I'm still "training" my husband to PLEASE put down the toilet seat, as we only have 1 bathroom!

We've always had that down - I take offense to the lid being down also. In the middle of the night it's rather disconcerting when you sit

Edited February 18, 2009 by Udella&Wiz

[warlord 73]

Very good/interesting posts in here. I'm a little confused by the notion of living with someone to get to know them before marrying first, though. To me, that's what the dating sequence is for. Then the engagement states your commitment to marry and build a life together. Whether you live together through marriage or just as common-law, you still have to go through the same process of adjusting to having another person in your space 24/7, and co-mingling assets. Both methods are painful. And both methods will require separation of assets and heartache should they end. Living with someone as opposed to marrying someone isn't going to make these things any easier, nor is it going to give you an opportunity to test the waters. It's blooming hard to be in a relationship, and it's going to take time to adjust whether you're married or not. Personally, I think it takes a minimum of two years to go through the adjustment process, and then another 8 to settle in. Don't get me wrong.... it's not all doom and gloom. But the reality is that we all like our own space and our own methods of doing things..... and, sometimes, someone who is not conforming to that reality is going to take some time to get retrained.

Here here! I'm still "training" my husband to PLEASE put down the toilet seat, as we only have 1 bathroom!

Yes I'm still "training" my wife to either leave the seat UP or put BOTH down. One bathroom, 5 or so years of marriage and she still leaves only one part down. She doesn't complain when I have it up or when I have it both down, but I find it kind of disgusting having only partially down. Oh well I don't have to sit on it after I pee hee hee...

[thetreble 19]

While you have good points Krikit and I pretty much agree with what you said, I have heard stories from my friends that they were very in love with a person and then began living with them, and found out they had a lot of bad habits day to day that they ended up not being able to stand.

In that case I'd rather know before I got married then have to go through a divorce. Living together and marrying somebody both entail great adjustments. Personally though, I would not have married my husband without living with him first. I wanted to know if I could handle him in my space 24/7 period. Some people, whether you love them or not, can be too annoying to life with. There were a lot of things I didn't know about Jared until we started living together.

[MrsCat 6]

I ain't gonna lie. Month #1 was hell. For both of us. We're in our groove now. We started living together after 14 months of marriage. You could say there was need for adjustment.

[gensdad515 2]

I ain't gonna lie. Month #1 was hell. For both of us. We're in our groove now. We started living together after 14 months of marriage. You could say there was need for adjustment.

I think it is more of an issue of living with another person more than the being married issue. There have been people that have lived together for X years and then get married and soon after get divorced. It's all a matter of adjusting, you will have to get adjusted to them and they to you. Loving someone is them having a habit that drives you up the wall, but you still stay with them and love them anyway. There will always be something from your significant other that you will not like. C'mon it's difficult enough living with family! Also as mentioned in an earlier reply it does help a lot that the other person is mature and has had responsiblities. It is always different from how you think it is going to be to the actual reality.

In marriage there is a lot of accomodation, adjustment, sharing and sacrifice, but you do it for love. : )

Jorge

[trailmix 77]

Very good/interesting posts in here. I'm a little confused by the notion of living with someone to get to know them before marrying first, though. To me, that's what the dating sequence is for. Then the engagement states your commitment to marry and build a life together. Whether you live together through marriage or just as common-law, you still have to go through the same process of adjusting to having another person in your space 24/7, and co-mingling assets. Both methods are painful. And both methods will require separation of assets and heartache should they end. Living with someone as opposed to marrying someone isn't going to make these things any easier, nor is it going to give you an opportunity to test the waters. It's blooming hard to be in a relationship, and it's going to take time to adjust whether you're married or not. Personally, I think it takes a minimum of two years to go through the adjustment process, and then another 8 to settle in. Don't get me wrong.... it's not all doom and gloom. But the reality is that we all like our own space and our own methods of doing things..... and, sometimes, someone who is not conforming to that reality is going to take some time to get retrained.

Yes, I agree, I also don't think that you have to live with someone before you marry them to get to know them very well.

[chimcham 18]

thank you everyone for your thoughts/insights....it helps put things in perspective for me. I'm just nervous about it all~moving in, living in a new country, figuring out a job situaton...its all overwhelming and we're not even engaged yet ( I can't wait tho!!)

It would hav been a lot easier if my employer would just sponsor me, and give us the opportunity to live together, but as many of you said, a lot of people do not even do that. I guess its a leap of faith...

[MrsCat 6]

I was just putting away laundry and it made me think of this thread and laugh.

Our first big fight (ever) was when I first got here. I did the laundry and put everything away. I know how Chris likes his clothes folded so I did his the way he likes them. Picture military OCD precision in the closet and in the drawers.

And in my dresser, I put everything away the way I normally would. Basically piled into balls, not folded. Not real scheme to it. Just whatever drawer was open and had room is where I stuck stuff.

So two days go by and I open my dresser and ALL the drawers have been rearranged Chris style. My socks are folded (not balled). My underwear is folded, my bras are stacked and color coordinated. I now have a drawer for t-shirts, one for shorts, one for pants, one for bathing suits.

I lost my mind on him when he got home. Its so stupid now. But boy was I pissed. A nice gesture gone awry.

[JillA 2]

I was just putting away laundry and it made me think of this thread and laugh.

Our first big fight (ever) was when I first got here. I did the laundry and put everything away. I know how Chris likes his clothes folded so I did his the way he likes them. Picture military OCD precision in the closet and in the drawers.

And in my dresser, I put everything away the way I normally would. Basically piled into balls, not folded. Not real scheme to it. Just whatever drawer was open and had room is where I stuck stuff.

So two days go by and I open my dresser and ALL the drawers have been rearranged Chris style. My socks are folded (not balled). My underwear is folded, my bras are stacked and color coordinated. I now have a drawer for t-shirts, one for shorts, one for pants, one for bathing suits.

I lost my mind on him when he got home. Its so stupid now. But boy was I pissed. A nice gesture gone awry.

I love this story, it's so funny. I am a Chris-type in the sense that I am extremely organized, my family says I have OCD but that's another story in itself. When I moved here I proceeded to organize Glen's drawers because his were all jumbled up too. Mind you I didn't colour co-ordinate, that's a good idea!

P.S. you spelt colour American!

[MrsCat 6]

I am a Chris-type in the sense that I am extremely organized, my family says I have OCD but that's another story in itself. When I moved here I proceeded to organize Glen's drawers because his were all jumbled up too. Mind you I didn't colour co-ordinate, that's a good idea!

P.S. you spelt colour American!

Your clothes organizer you! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am sure he appreciated it though.

shizen. I'm going through the change.

[Caladan 19]

We didn't live together before the wedding, at least not intentionally; we activated the K-1 about six weeks before the wedding, and he lived here because where else was I going to put him, but we spent two weeks of that at my parents, and didn't really co-mingle anything until we were married. Besides all of his stuff.

I personally don't think that 90 days would have been enough time to really know what living with someone was like, anyway, on the assumption that you knew them well enough that there wouldn't be major surprises.