Is it possible to keep the K-1 process a secret from my parents while I'm living with them?

[Danu 19]

Hi everyone

This is Gabriel (beneficiary) , We both wish we could tell them, but our situation makes it difficult. Danu you are right when you say "they think you dont get to know someone unless you spend a lot of time with them", being in a long distance relationship taught me that you can actually learn a lot about someone, even though you are miles away, but that's something her parents dont understand and they see our relationship as a fantasy, which is frustrating . I think one thing that makes this difficult for them to accept it is the fact that they don't know me yet, sometimes we email back and forth but that's it -- that's the difference between my family and hers, my girlfriend has been here before and my family knows her and loves her a lot and it was pretty easy for them to accept it (they also thought it was a fantasy before they met her ) so I think ME being able to go there and talk to them face to face about our future will show them that this is real and this is something we can carry out and that they have nothing to worry about. So we have thought this through and we do know why we are not telling them yet! and well nobody knows my future in-laws better than my girlfriend so I guess that's why we decided not to tell them YET.... maybe after they meet me they will realize they love me and accept me in their family with open arms

So we'll go with the UPS Mailbox, and I'll just pray it all works out perfectly..

Thank y'all for your answers they are really helpful!....

Good luck

I know more about Wes than I ever knew about my ex bf and we were together for 3.5 years...and lived together. Communicatons is one of the top reasons couples end up divorced, because they don't understand how to talk through their issues. When you are in a LDR you definately need to be able to talk about everything and anything over the phone/computer, cuz theres no way to pick up body language. I talk to Wes every night for 6 hours. We never miss a night talking to each other, yet my parents have the same concern, that we are rushing into things without actually knowing the other person, blah blah blah. No one knows better than you guys though just how committed to each other and how much in love you are. You and Jen have been dating longer than Wes and I, so you guys probably know even more than we do, but its also one of those things that I'm sure most people on here can attest to. That instant feeling that you have met that perfect person, the other half of you that has been missing forever. I'm hoping my parents will be more receptive (though they aren't against it, just concerned) once Wes comes to visit next month, and I'm sure once you are there her parents will be able to see just how much you actually care for each other and they will get over it.

Edited February 1, 2009 by Danu

[Brad and Vika 129]

Jen and Gabriel,

Speaking as a parent of two (the eldest is your age), I think Jen's mom and dad may be concerned in part because you are both so young. I don't know anything about Gabriel's culture, but here so many young people make mistakes with their first try at marriage, any parent would be concerned. If you haven't already, you might talk about a stronger sense of commitment/lower divorce rate in his culture (if that is true), or his parents showing him a very strong model of commitment, etc. Things that would calm them. Once they are comfortable with the idea many parents take great pride in announcing their kids engagement. Believe me, you want them comfortable and on your side - life together will bring you enough challenges without the stress of them opposing the match. You will need their support too, and they be be offended and hurt if they think you hid this from them and didn't trust them as much as you did Gabriel's family.

[daboyz 36]

What can I(Jen, USC) do to make sure nothing would be sent to my current address so as not to risk them finding out before I tell them?

Get a mailing address at "The UPS Store". Mail will come to the mailing address you give them.

How exactly does that work? By "them" do you mean USCIS or UPS?

Thanks so much for your !

USCIS sends mail to the address you give USCIS. Contact your local UPS store to set up a private mailbox. These used to be called "Mailboxes Etc." There are other similar private mailbox services available as well.

My lame a$$ lawyer does this. I did a reverse lookup.

[GJen 9]

Jen and Gabriel,

Speaking as a parent of two (the eldest is your age), I think Jen's mom and dad may be concerned in part because you are both so young. I don't know anything about Gabriel's culture, but here so many young people make mistakes with their first try at marriage, any parent would be concerned. If you haven't already, you might talk about a stronger sense of commitment/lower divorce rate in his culture (if that is true), or his parents showing him a very strong model of commitment, etc. Things that would calm them. Once they are comfortable with the idea many parents take great pride in announcing their kids engagement. Believe me, you want them comfortable and on your side - life together will bring you enough challenges without the stress of them opposing the match. You will need their support too, and they be be offended and hurt if they think you hid this from them and didn't trust them as much as you did Gabriel's family.

I appreciate your response. It was definitely a difficult decision to make. Anytime I attempted to tell them, it only ended in me crying uncontrollably! I think there are three factors in why our age won't be something that will break us up, but bring us closer together:

1) We made all of our mistakes early!

I think we're old souls, done with the party scene and ready to take the next step.

2) We have been exclusive for over 3 1/2 years. We know each other like the back of our hand, yet we haven't gotten to spend that much quality time together. The time we did spend together and even apart we learned an enormous amount about the each other, we just missed out on all the fun things, holding hands, going on dates, etc. We've been able to handle all this not so fun stuff without being able to balance it out with those little things that so many people take forgranted. I think it's our turn to get a little bit of that balance.

3) I can already see our little bilingual babies running around!

But at the same time, I want us to enjoy being married and life as newlyweds(while saving up to add on to the family) So I think we should get married as soon as possible so that we can start building a family a couple years or so down the road.

Another factor is that my parents (especially my mom) are in no way, shape, or form ready to let go. I love them to death and I'm especially close to my mom, but there's no way to ease them into it. Whether I tell them a year in advance or a couple months before, it's not going to make it any less difficult for them. Maybe even telling them a year in advance would just make her worry more.

[GJen 9]

My lame a$$ lawyer does this. I did a reverse lookup.

Seems like a pretty good idea, wouldn't that make his a smartass lawyer?

[rebeccajo 14]

Jen -

International relationships always take some 'adjusting' for the families.

I was 46 when I met my husband and my parents were quite certain I had lost my mind. My sister says it was 'a little scary' at the time. So trust me, your age has little to do with how your family feels.

And I really don't think Wes' brother believed any of it till he met me - which was about five days before the visa interview!

I'm also a parent so I like and understand Brad's comments. I'd be hurt if my son left me out of such an important moment in his life. You'll notice I use the word 'moment' rather than 'decision'. I don't feel I can make my son's decisions. I'm not sure how your parents feels - or how you think they feel.

[miss g 1]

good luck i know how it can be hard with the families negativity

[miss g 1]

Jen and Gabriel,

Speaking as a parent of two (the eldest is your age), I think Jen's mom and dad may be concerned in part because you are both so young. I don't know anything about Gabriel's culture, but here so many young people make mistakes with their first try at marriage, any parent would be concerned. If you haven't already, you might talk about a stronger sense of commitment/lower divorce rate in his culture (if that is true), or his parents showing him a very strong model of commitment, etc. Things that would calm them. Once they are comfortable with the idea many parents take great pride in announcing their kids engagement. Believe me, you want them comfortable and on your side - life together will bring you enough challenges without the stress of them opposing the match. You will need their support too, and they be be offended and hurt if they think you hid this from them and didn't trust them as much as you did Gabriel's family.

I appreciate your response. It was definitely a difficult decision to make. Anytime I attempted to tell them, it only ended in me crying uncontrollably! I think there are three factors in why our age won't be something that will break us up, but bring us closer together:

1) We made all of our mistakes early!

I think we're old souls, done with the party scene and ready to take the next step.

2) We have been exclusive for over 3 1/2 years. We know each other like the back of our hand, yet we haven't gotten to spend that much quality time together. The time we did spend together and even apart we learned an enormous amount about the each other, we just missed out on all the fun things, holding hands, going on dates, etc. We've been able to handle all this not so fun stuff without being able to balance it out with those little things that so many people take forgranted. I think it's our turn to get a little bit of that balance.

3) I can already see our little bilingual babies running around!

But at the same time, I want us to enjoy being married and life as newlyweds(while saving up to add on to the family) So I think we should get married as soon as possible so that we can start building a family a couple years or so down the road.

Another factor is that my parents (especially my mom) are in no way, shape, or form ready to let go. I love them to death and I'm especially close to my mom, but there's no way to ease them into it. Whether I tell them a year in advance or a couple months before, it's not going to make it any less difficult for them. Maybe even telling them a year in advance would just make her worry more.

you dont have to explain yourself or your feelings to anyone, its your life and your mistakes to make.. i have issues with my fiances family always being negative and making him panic because they make it seem impossible..sometimes you just need to put your head down and do what it is that you want to do in life and not worry about other people, i know it sounds harsh.. but.. your parents have lived and made decisions and done what it is that they needed to do.. you should never feel guilty for making yourself happy

[daboyz 36]

My lame a$$ lawyer does this. I did a reverse lookup.

Seems like a pretty good idea, wouldn't that make his a smartass lawyer?

Should have done more research before I hired him. I guess your right.

[Bern. 3]

Hey dear,

Just wanting to let you know that I wish you the best of luck and that I hope everything goes well for you. But I do believe that it would be a good idea to let them know about it (before he comes to the US). If you don't, may drama may occur ):

Edited February 1, 2009 by Ber + Ter

[Brad and Vika 129]

Jen and Gabriel,

Speaking as a parent of two (the eldest is your age), I think Jen's mom and dad may be concerned in part because you are both so young. I don't know anything about Gabriel's culture, but here so many young people make mistakes with their first try at marriage, any parent would be concerned. If you haven't already, you might talk about a stronger sense of commitment/lower divorce rate in his culture (if that is true), or his parents showing him a very strong model of commitment, etc. Things that would calm them. Once they are comfortable with the idea many parents take great pride in announcing their kids engagement. Believe me, you want them comfortable and on your side - life together will bring you enough challenges without the stress of them opposing the match. You will need their support too, and they be be offended and hurt if they think you hid this from them and didn't trust them as much as you did Gabriel's family.

I appreciate your response. It was definitely a difficult decision to make. Anytime I attempted to tell them, it only ended in me crying uncontrollably! I think there are three factors in why our age won't be something that will break us up, but bring us closer together:

1) We made all of our mistakes early!

I think we're old souls, done with the party scene and ready to take the next step.

2) We have been exclusive for over 3 1/2 years. We know each other like the back of our hand, yet we haven't gotten to spend that much quality time together. The time we did spend together and even apart we learned an enormous amount about the each other, we just missed out on all the fun things, holding hands, going on dates, etc. We've been able to handle all this not so fun stuff without being able to balance it out with those little things that so many people take forgranted. I think it's our turn to get a little bit of that balance.

3) I can already see our little bilingual babies running around!

But at the same time, I want us to enjoy being married and life as newlyweds(while saving up to add on to the family) So I think we should get married as soon as possible so that we can start building a family a couple years or so down the road.

Another factor is that my parents (especially my mom) are in no way, shape, or form ready to let go. I love them to death and I'm especially close to my mom, but there's no way to ease them into it. Whether I tell them a year in advance or a couple months before, it's not going to make it any less difficult for them. Maybe even telling them a year in advance would just make her worry more.

you dont have to explain yourself or your feelings to anyone, its your life and your mistakes to make.. i have issues with my fiances family always being negative and making him panic because they make it seem impossible..sometimes you just need to put your head down and do what it is that you want to do in life and not worry about other people, i know it sounds harsh.. but.. your parents have lived and made decisions and done what it is that they needed to do.. you should never feel guilty for making yourself happy

Jen and Gabriel,

After reading this post, I wanted to weigh in again briefly. First, you seem very articulate and persuasive in describing your relationship, and very much in love. I think we all wish you the best. I have to say that I am absolutely not judging you, and your life is yours to do as you please. All I wanted to do was share a parental perspective with you. Although you are not bound to explain yourself to anybody, you will be happy later on if you do. I was making reference earlier to what your parents (Jen) might think and feel, rather than how tough it is for you to tell them. If you walk in their shoes for a minute, and try to see yourselves through their eyes - you may understand how your comments above would scare them to death - persuasive as they may be. Trust me on this, your struggle and tears will be well spent invested in communicating with them now. Again, the best of luck to you.

[GJen 9]

Jen and Gabriel,

After reading this post, I wanted to weigh in again briefly. First, you seem very articulate and persuasive in describing your relationship, and very much in love. I think we all wish you the best. I have to say that I am absolutely not judging you, and your life is yours to do as you please. All I wanted to do was share a parental perspective with you. Although you are not bound to explain yourself to anybody, you will be happy later on if you do. I was making reference earlier to what your parents (Jen) might think and feel, rather than how tough it is for you to tell them. If you walk in their shoes for a minute, and try to see yourselves through their eyes - you may understand how your comments above would scare them to death - persuasive as they may be. Trust me on this, your struggle and tears will be well spent invested in communicating with them now. Again, the best of luck to you.

Yeah, I can see what you mean. Ideally, that's the way I wanted it to happen. Which is why I asked Gabriel (even though he assured me there was almost no chance) to try for the Tourist Visa. And, like he predicted, January 8th he was denied. That pretty much threw a wrench in our plans because what I wanted so much was for them to meet him.

As a parent, would you rather hear 6 or 12 months out that your daughter is formally engaged to a man you've never met or meet him and soon after have both your daughter and her fiance-to-be announce it together followed by detailed plans?

[i feel like I'm sounding really defensive , I'm not meaning to, I just genuinely want to know what you would rather experience as a parent. Here's my thing- they'll either 1) Feel left out because I'm committing myself to someone they've never even met before and haven't given the chance to give me their stamp of approval or 2) Feel left out in the way that after hearing our plans know that we have been planning it for a while (if this is the case though, I still think they'd feel some pride and look at us a a mature, realistic couple]

Thanks for the feedback

[TBoneTX 45,088]

GJen,

It's good that you're thinking about this, and that you're willing to consider advice that is sincerely offered. I'm particularly impressed with the wise thoughts from Brad.

As a long-time son (and an only child), I can attest that parents -- mothers in particular -- will ALWAYS view even their adult children as their "babies." The psychology is far too intricate to delve deeply into, but here's a little. Our parents want the best for us, and since they remember our early years as an infant, toddler, child, and teenager, they acutely remember the guidance that they had to provide in order to be good parents and for us to become mature, self-sufficient, sensible young adults. They were completely responsible for protecting and nurturing their "babies." They remember every physical and emotional pain that we ever experienced... and when WE hurt, THEY hurt. This is part of the nature of being a good and caring parent, and it's deeply ingrained. I don't know your parents, of course, but I'd wager that this is their frame of reference.

Perhaps ruminating on this will help you develop an approach to speaking with them. If I'm right, they might resist at first, fearing the reasons of above, but they should eventually come around, and they may even become your strongest allies. INCLUDE them, because -- loving you as they do -- being shut out of your life will cut them to their core.

[GJen 9]

GJen,

It's good that you're thinking about this, and that you're willing to consider advice that is sincerely offered. I'm particularly impressed with the wise thoughts from Brad.

As a long-time son (and an only child), I can attest that parents -- mothers in particular -- will ALWAYS view even their adult children as their "babies." The psychology is far too intricate to delve deeply into, but here's a little. Our parents want the best for us, and since they remember our early years as an infant, toddler, child, and teenager, they acutely remember the guidance that they had to provide in order to be good parents and for us to become mature, self-sufficient, sensible young adults. They were completely responsible for protecting and nurturing their "babies." They remember every physical and emotional pain that we ever experienced... and when WE hurt, THEY hurt. This is part of the nature of being a good and caring parent, and it's deeply ingrained. I don't know your parents, of course, but I'd wager that this is their frame of reference.

Perhaps ruminating on this will help you develop an approach to speaking with them. If I'm right, they might resist at first, fearing the reasons of above, but they should eventually come around, and they may even become your strongest allies. INCLUDE them, because -- loving you as they do -- being shut out of your life will cut them to their core.

Well I've tried to include them. It's somewhat hard when I can't bring the boyfriend over to the house for dinner to meet the parents. If G could move here and then we could date and they could meet, that would be great. The reality is very different. (We tried and were denied the Tourist Visa) Seeing as how there's no "Meet The Parents Visa", the Fiance Visa is the only option we have that would allow us to live a normal life. (Normal meaning not having to go years without seeing each other.)

It all comes down to that question I asked Brad and Vika: As a parent, would you rather hear 6 or 12 months out that your daughter is formally engaged to a man you've never met or meet him and soon after have both your daughter and her fiance-to-be announce it together followed by detailed plans?

Either way, it's probably not what they envisioned for their daughter. In fact, it's nothing like what I envisioned for myself. Life doesn't always work out as you plan- and sometimes that's a good thing. In this case, it's a great thing. Of course it's not all hearts and roses (the whole K1 process doesn't seem to be a walk in the park), but this is the one thing I'm so certain about. I know my parents will love him when they meet him. I have a feeling everything's going to work out.

[Josh-and-Leona 0]

GJen,

I breezed through ur post and just wanted to weigh in because currently relating to somewhat the same issues. Me and my (soon to be) fiance are still in college, both graduating and like you i never saw this relationship coming. My fiance, leona, was an exchange student at my college last yr and id like to say it was fate that randomly brought us together. My parents love her however her parents are skeptical and haven't taken in the seriousness of this relationship and commitment. I went over to visit her in Ireland over this past new years and asked her had for her hand, he said 'yes" put in his expression i could see a sense of shock and not sincere happiness. Her mom has also mentioned to Leona numerous times that this is a bad idea and that she shouldn't do it. But the truth is, like in my situation, there is no way that they could know how much you two love each.

Its a tough predicament that your in and its hard to try to make a parents try to understand something when they stubbornly close themselves off to the idea from the beginning; My dad is just like that. Obviously they are going to find out sooner of later....

Honestly, I guess i would just make sure that there is no way they can stop you two from completing the K1 visa before you tell them. Good luck, from what i've gotten out of the semi-conflict with leona's mom is that parents just 'care' and want to make sure that you are provided for... its a overzealous sort of thing.