green card marriages, ladies beware

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

OK now that I dared air all of my "dirty laundry" so that maybe others can see if there are any weak links that I cannot see...I would love yo know because I sure as hell don't wanna be here telling everyone how he ran away with his GC...we can help each other and maybe prevent another scammer.........one must be bold and let go of any denials first.....I just aired my junk and if I think of anymore I will be back.....I truly wan to learn if there's anything to be learned.

I dare others to do the same as well.....better to pick it all apart now then later....Come on ladies!

Take off any rose-colored glasses

Thanks MrsAmera!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

depression and crying....done this one and he tried to run, but when I told him how bad a day I was having he stayed till I felt better...Oh you better believe I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test....what i want to know is there anything else I need to know?

I dont mean to offend you, but I find this disturbing. I just dont get it.

Also, if his first reaction was to run..wouldnt that be a failed test?

Have you already filed for him? only asking because if any 'testing' is done, i think it should be BEFORE

is this common? this crying test? heh

This was done well before we even met....I have to test him out-anybody...I mean if one doesn't "test" the waters how the hell do we know if your SO truly will stick by you or loves you when you have a looooooooooooong distance relationship and haven't met? He didn't quite run, but tried...in the whole how men don't know what to do with emotions type of thing...not running as in I don't care about you. Now 1 year later this of course, does not happen.

So are you saying we should be good little girls and not test things out? So we can end up getting duped later and starting our own thread on why we never questioned or tested him out first? Isn't this what this thread about? Warnings on and how to avoid getting duped?

Was your guy 100% comfortable the 1st time you got emotional on him? I think not. What guy is comfortable with women's emotions? If they really love you they will get used to any ups and downs. This is what I am saying. Maybe i wasn't clear enough before. I am being dramatic when I speak as well.

Now is this still disturbing?

yes, it is a bit disturbing to bring on fake tears and emotion to test someone. no, i dont think we should "all be good little girls". of course you should protect yourself, but false emotions is not something im into or can really pull off.

Actually, the first time my husband saw me cry(was on cam), he was extremely upset because he couldnt be here to comfort me, not because he was uncomfortable with my emotions. So, ya he was 100% "comfortable" in all the right aspects, besides the fact he couldnt be here with me.

i dont think this thread is about what to look for. in fact, everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

like i said, I wasnt trying to offend you so no need to get fiesty

thats just my opinion, most here that know me, know that i dont like talking about everyone elses red flags and how everyone is "at risk"...we already know that. if someone didnt know that getting into it, then i feel sorry for that person.

So, yes...research, use you gut instincts and DONT MARRY someone you arent 100% sure of. thats my advise.

lisa

[morocco4ever 63]

everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

This is not something that should be thinking about at this point. This is something that should have been researched long before you get here. There does come a time when you just have to make a decision and then let it go.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

depression and crying....done this one and he tried to run, but when I told him how bad a day I was having he stayed till I felt better...Oh you better believe I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test....what i want to know is there anything else I need to know?

I dont mean to offend you, but I find this disturbing. I just dont get it.

Also, if his first reaction was to run..wouldnt that be a failed test?

Have you already filed for him? only asking because if any 'testing' is done, i think it should be BEFORE

is this common? this crying test? heh

This was done well before we even met....I have to test him out-anybody...I mean if one doesn't "test" the waters how the hell do we know if your SO truly will stick by you or loves you when you have a looooooooooooong distance relationship and haven't met? He didn't quite run, but tried...in the whole how men don't know what to do with emotions type of thing...not running as in I don't care about you. Now 1 year later this of course, does not happen.

So are you saying we should be good little girls and not test things out? So we can end up getting duped later and starting our own thread on why we never questioned or tested him out first? Isn't this what this thread about? Warnings on and how to avoid getting duped?

Was your guy 100% comfortable the 1st time you got emotional on him? I think not. What guy is comfortable with women's emotions? If they really love you they will get used to any ups and downs. This is what I am saying. Maybe i wasn't clear enough before. I am being dramatic when I speak as well.

Now is this still disturbing?

yes, it is a bit disturbing to bring on fake tears and emotion to test someone. no, i dont think we should "all be good little girls". of course you should protect yourself, but false emotions is not something im into or can really pull off.

Actually, the first time my husband saw me cry(was on cam), he was extremely upset because he couldnt be here to comfort me, not because he was uncomfortable with my emotions. So, ya he was 100% "comfortable" in all the right aspects, besides the fact he couldnt be here with me.

i dont think this thread is about what to look for. in fact, everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

like i said, I wasnt trying to offend you so no need to get fiesty

thats just my opinion, most here that know me, know that i dont like talking about everyone elses red flags and how everyone is "at risk"...we already know that. if someone didnt know that getting into it, then i feel sorry for that person.

So, yes...research, use you gut instincts and DONT MARRY someone you arent 100% sure of. thats my advise.

lisa

I never said my tears were fake...???!! Only that Ididn't hold back early on one day to see what he'd do cuz I didn't care otherwise...I wanted to see if he truly cared and if he didn't well, good bye...this is what I meant...geez...no one ever said fake acting...that's strange

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

This is not something that should be thinking about at this point. This is something that should have been researched long before you get here. There does come a time when you just have to make a decision and then let it go.

Well, then why are many people here saying such things as "you never know" and "red flags" and how "it could happen to any of us" Ummmm no it doesn't...this is wh yI am digging for any possible red flags because frankly I don't have any.....

When people talk like this it scares the ####### outta of everyone...even those of us with sincere relationships....so like I said before: give more details here if your going to "warn others" on how to avoid a GC scammer.

Let's all be honest. Guess I was the only one unafraid of weak points in a relationship and I don't have many....whatever....and if you didn't understand or read the posts beforehand on "tests" don't comment mid-topic!

Either you have poor reading comprehension skills twice over or like to throw in your two sense without knowing what you're talking about. Acting...how stupid...yea I like to put on a show...not what me and another meant...read back first and if you still don't get it...don't comment

What I am saying is not if we see and obey our red flags...this thread was meant to be a warning...so where do you all get off saying it isn't...I was only being honest. AND I NEVER SAID I WAS FAKE ACTING....I have no idea where that came into play.

I say if there must be a thread such as this let's do it right....telling someone it cn happen to you because you yourself thought your marriage was 100% tends to scare the S**T outta people...

This wasn't about changing people's minds. THIS IS ABOUT OPENING THEM

[childress_london 3]

everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

This is not something that should be thinking about at this point. This is something that should have been researched long before you get here. There does come a time when you just have to make a decision and then let it go.

Well, then why are many people here saying such things as "you never know" and "red flags" and how "it could happen to any of us" Ummmm no it doesn't...this is wh yI am digging for any possible red flags because frankly I don't have any.....

When people talk like this it scares the ####### outta of everyone...even those of us with sincere relationships....so like I said before: give more details here if your going to "warn others" on how to avoid a GC scammer.

Let's all be honest. Guess I was the only one unafraid of weak points in a relationship and I don't have many....whatever....and if you didn't understand or read the posts beforehand on "tests" don't comment mid-topic!

Either you have poor reading comprehension skills twice over or like to throw in your two sense without knowing what you're talking about. Acting...how stupid...yea I like to put on a show...not what me and another meant...read back first and if you still don't get it...don't comment

What I am saying is not if we see and obey our red flags...this thread was meant to be a warning...so where do you all get off saying it isn't...I was only being honest. AND I NEVER SAID I WAS FAKE ACTING....I have no idea where that came into play.

I say if there must be a thread such as this let's do it right....telling someone it cn happen to you because you yourself thought your marriage was 100% tends to scare the S**T outta people...

This wasn't about changing people's minds. THIS IS ABOUT OPENING THEM

Erika, no offense, but saying "I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test" does sound like you meant you were being emotional on purpose to test him. Which of course, would be very immature and wrong. However, in the course of a relationship, you do naturally get to see how your SO will react to different situations. No testing needed. Which is why it's not really a good idea to get married soon after meeting someone.

So for the ones looking for a K1 visa, obviously you still have an easier time of changing your mind in the course of waiting for approval. People are naturally on their best behavior when they meet, and after a while the true person starts to come out. So even though a person might have their mind made up in the beginning, things can change by the end. ;-)

In my mind, I am 100% sure my husband is not looking for a GC, so any discussion of red flags or suspicious behavior does not phase me. It only makes me sad to think of the women it might happen to.

Edited January 19, 2009 by childress_london

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

And of course my SO is concerned if I am sad....ALWAYS...

anyway I'm tired of explaining this to you....maybe I hit on a sensitive topic for you because I only suggested us ladies to air out any concerns and maybe we could help each other or at least reassure each other after reading this god forsaken thread that has caused nothing but negativity and you being critical........

[childress_london 3]

I think one thing we all seem to agree on is that Wendy should have told her story.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

Sorry if that is how it sounded but I was responding several pages back to other peoples posts and if one hasn't read that far back they won't know what I am talking about.

OK...this is WHY I said about the whole depression/emotion thing

....early on in a relationship woman and men more so tend to keep things to themselves emotionally (at least I do) because naturally we don't want to do anything to scare the other away or be rejected (like you said we try to be on our best behavior at first) So I "tried" this, I just said screw it I am having a bad day and I cannot pretend everything is all roses so I let myself be and say exactly how I felt as difficult as it was for us both (and yes, this would be a test of sorts in a new relationship and NOT acting) and truly if he didn't show concern I could care less and I would say good bye...but he reacted in a loving way....once I did test him by being "needy" because this is how I felt right or wrong and was not acting....yet I was being selfish because I kept him online for hours when I should have been happy he stayed and cared...but i pushed him so to speak to see if he would stay even if I was unreasonable...not healthy...but one of my faults and do not criticize me here because you all are not perfect either difference is I am being open and honest......

I am just trying to explain my actions since no one seems to understand and I don't know why I care...maybe because I cannot erase these damned posts and if I am going to go down I am going down saying all I needed to...now this damned topic has turned into acting as my own attorney and not what the post originally conveyed....

[Imua 0]

everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

This is not something that should be thinking about at this point. This is something that should have been researched long before you get here. There does come a time when you just have to make a decision and then let it go.

Well, then why are many people here saying such things as "you never know" and "red flags" and how "it could happen to any of us" Ummmm no it doesn't...this is wh yI am digging for any possible red flags because frankly I don't have any.....

When people talk like this it scares the ####### outta of everyone...even those of us with sincere relationships....so like I said before: give more details here if your going to "warn others" on how to avoid a GC scammer.

Let's all be honest. Guess I was the only one unafraid of weak points in a relationship and I don't have many....whatever....and if you didn't understand or read the posts beforehand on "tests" don't comment mid-topic!

Either you have poor reading comprehension skills twice over or like to throw in your two sense without knowing what you're talking about. Acting...how stupid...yea I like to put on a show...not what me and another meant...read back first and if you still don't get it...don't comment

What I am saying is not if we see and obey our red flags...this thread was meant to be a warning...so where do you all get off saying it isn't...I was only being honest. AND I NEVER SAID I WAS FAKE ACTING....I have no idea where that came into play.

I say if there must be a thread such as this let's do it right....telling someone it cn happen to you because you yourself thought your marriage was 100% tends to scare the S**T outta people...

This wasn't about changing people's minds. THIS IS ABOUT OPENING THEM

Hi,

I was checking your timeline and you didn't put your interview date but your ticker says you are going to bring him back with you in a month so I am assuming your interview was successful, good for you because according to the DOS and what I have seen on VJ you do have 'red flags' which could have caused the CO to not give your husband the visa, namely you are older than your fiance(though not by much) and you have 3 kids and maybe were married before and divorced... as you said yourself in Islam this is usually not 'kosher' so to the CO this can be a red flag that maybe he is a potential scammer.... I pay attention and maybe get overly anxious about this because we have big red flags ourselves - my husband is 16 years younger than me and we married very quickly after meeting...quick marriage is typical in Nepali culture but not to an older American woman who probably cannot have kids... my husband has not had his interview yet and I am afraid he will be denied outright... supposedly these 'red flags' are not reasons for denial in themselves (though I have heard some conspiracy theories otherwise, especially at high-fraud consulates) but they will cause the CO to ask more questions and scrutinize your case further, maybe put him on AP - looks like at this point you don't have to worry about that so congratulations - I am very worried about our case.

I think what you meant by 'red flags' are that his behavior towards you didn't give you any reason to suspect fraud - I feel the same way about my husband but the CO may not feel that way - I just wanted to make a distinction between that and what is usually referred to as 'red flags' during the visa process/interview.

Edited January 19, 2009 by Pattu Rani

[morocco4ever 63]

everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

This is not something that should be thinking about at this point. This is something that should have been researched long before you get here. There does come a time when you just have to make a decision and then let it go.

Well, then why are many people here saying such things as "you never know" and "red flags" and how "it could happen to any of us" Ummmm no it doesn't...this is wh yI am digging for any possible red flags because frankly I don't have any.....

When people talk like this it scares the ####### outta of everyone...even those of us with sincere relationships....so like I said before: give more details here if your going to "warn others" on how to avoid a GC scammer.

Let's all be honest. Guess I was the only one unafraid of weak points in a relationship and I don't have many....whatever....and if you didn't understand or read the posts beforehand on "tests" don't comment mid-topic!

Either you have poor reading comprehension skills twice over or like to throw in your two sense without knowing what you're talking about. Acting...how stupid...yea I like to put on a show...not what me and another meant...read back first and if you still don't get it...don't comment

What I am saying is not if we see and obey our red flags...this thread was meant to be a warning...so where do you all get off saying it isn't...I was only being honest. AND I NEVER SAID I WAS FAKE ACTING....I have no idea where that came into play.

I say if there must be a thread such as this let's do it right....telling someone it cn happen to you because you yourself thought your marriage was 100% tends to scare the S**T outta people...

This wasn't about changing people's minds. THIS IS ABOUT OPENING THEM

I can't say I understand why you posted this response to me. All said is that by the time you reach the point of applying for the visa you shouldn't be stressing about looking for signs that your SO is using you for a green card. This should be done long before now, and should have your mind made up by this point. You tend to be very defensive. Are you not aware that we here are all in similar shoes? Perhaps you need to stop thinking that everyone is out to get you and figure out why you feel the need to be so defensive.

[~Jackie~ 30]

....in a visajourney far far away......I used to say your exact words. EXACT. Fast forward to present day.....NEVER SAY NEVER and never get so comfortable that you become arrogant cuz climbing up the ladder is the easy part. Sliding down past your friends to the stinkin bottom sucks.

My point, dont alienate anyone. We all put our pants on one leg at a time and nothing makes you any different from those here that have suffered thru a mena divorce.

Jackie

[allousa 1]

Okay, I'm going to offer my .02 on this...I usually like to steer clear of drama threads...

Meeting ANYONE online either in the States or abroad already puts you at a disadvantage, in my opinion. I've had several friends try the whole online dating thing and most have ended in disaster. I've watched some of my friends really fall for a person (guys and girls) who they met online only to find that person to be a "serial dater". By that I mean, these people will never commit to a relationship because they are always looking for the better "fish". It's also VERY HARD to get to know someone online. I think people present themselves differently online than they do in person. I'm not AT ALL saying that true relationships can't be formed online, but it IS difficult.

Through in the cultural difference...ANY CULTURAL difference. I don't care how strong your relationship is...these differences WILL RAISE their ugly heads at some point. You can talk about these differences for hours on end and how you would handle them, but until you are actual faced with them, it is really hard to see how a realtionship will handle these differences.

I met Hicham while he was here in the States going to school. He already spoke English and was very familiar with the lifestyles here. But as we got more and more serious and started talking marriage, our cultural differences hit us like a brick wall. We had ALOT of arguments about how we would handle our religious differences, particularly with children. I told Hicham that I would NEVER cover (I would if ever in a mosque or in places I needed to show respect) and I stated upfront what things I wouldn't compromise on. I think it is absolutely careless NOT to discuss these differences before you enter into a marriage.

Hicham and I spent every single day together for 9 months before we got married and it was still an adjustment when we got married. When you've only spent a handful of days together before you get married and they come here....again, I think this is asking for trouble. For myself personally, I have to know a person inside and out before I give them my trust.

Many of you know about the 4 years Hicham and I were apart when he got stuck in Morocco. That nearly broke our marriage. It was tough, very tough. Even when he came home, we've had some nasty, nasty fights just readjusting to each other and even after all this time, alot of it is our cultural differences.

And let me tell you...nothing adds to the differences like children. Our biggest issues come with my family and holidays and how they want to do for our son. Hicham is very adamant that he doesn't want us to celebrate Christmas in the traditional Christian sense, which doesn't bother me, but it does bother my family. Christmas and Easter are always a little tense. Another issue is our son has a VERY muslim name as his first name. Seeing as we are in the South, I do have concerns how people will treat my son because of his name. He actually goes by his second name, still Muslim but not so obvious, at his nursery school. My family also calls him by his middle name which is a point of tension with Hicham.

If you think that cultural differences aren't going to be a problem...think again. I take my hat off to anyone's relationship (MENA or not) that hasn't suffered some sort of problems related to this.

Hicham and I have a fierce love for each other. We've been through a lot and we are committed at trying to make this work...but it is HARD work.

I'm just putting it all out there. In the past, when Hicham was still in Morocco and we were apart, I would come to VJ and read some of this stuff and it would make me doubt sometimes. Being so far apart can really add to that stress. But no one can determine the validity of someone else's relationship based on a message board. We can all comment on what we think based on one side of the story, you know.

Good luck to ANYONE trying to find their way in a relationship with NON-ACs....it's hard enough with out all this other stuff!

[MrsAmera 41]

allousa,

your words are so true and echoed a lot of the issues that we have - particularly with my family and the kids. erika , please pm me if you would like to talk more about the support issue.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I am just trying to explain my actions since no one seems to understand and I don't know why I care...maybe because I cannot erase these damned posts and if I am going to go down I am going down saying all I needed to...now this damned topic has turned into acting as my own attorney and not what the post originally conveyed....

There is no need to put on your attorney hat. I wasnt attacking you or trying to make you defend yourself. The way you worded your comment that I posted on, struck me and I said what I did.

I still say that this is not the time to be searching for problems or red flags, if you(anyone reading) arent convinced by the time you have met your SO, then WAIT or don't petition at all.

Like M4E said, there comes a time to make a desicion and go with it.