If you had known then what you know now??

[MrsAmera 41]

Yes I do think that they are well behaved, but having lived for several months with my sister in laws around all the time - I can tell you at least with them, physical punishments are much more the norm. I can remember one time my SIL was yelling at her son sooo bad, and taking the shoe to his bottom (not attached to her foot). I was downstairs and started to cry. She felt awful for doing it then. I had such a hard time explaining to them that it just made me sooo sad because I couldn't imagine ever doing that to my child regardless of the severity of what he was doing. My husband thinks respect = fear, and I do not agree. Like I said I think that his opinion of this is starting to change. Both of our kids are incredibly spoiled with material things, but we are also very strict (so says my family and friends) when it comes to issues such as talking back, using bad language, and not doing as they are told. I use timeouts and corrective behavior techniques. Now all I have to do is tell my 5 year old, you're in timeout and he puts himself in his room until his dad or I tell him he can come out. We have started to use this some with our 2 year old, small timeouts. I've also tried to show my husband that it isnt' all about correcting bad behavior but stopping it before it starts. Redirecting when they're playing, rewarding them for good behavior, and making sure that they just are involved in what's going on and not bored really helps especially with preschool aged children. Supernanny is my friend!

[Sandrila 1]

I wil say that for my husband I would do it again. But to do it again for another man in my life no. I would put my tail between my legs and run so fast away from the mess. I had a friend that came to America from India and he tried to convince me the long emotional roller coaster I would be on for years. There is so much to consider in a relationship like this. How will the man treat my children? I mean seriously, a lot of the people do not know there spouse very well when they bring them here and if you have other children in the home will he treat them the right way? Thank God, my situation was different with my two kids from my first marriage. It was a rough road to go at first with my hyper son but my husband has a special bond with both of my kids. He is now able to correct him but always always explains to him and my daughter when it is done why he got onto them and praises them when they do good. It's not his job to do this but he wants to see them good.

As far as money goes, if you dont have extra cash, don't do it. There are so many expenses and my husband has tried to pay for what he could but let's face it....their money blows when it compares to ours. I thank God I have a great job but we aren't rich. We still struggle and with the costs of unexpected medicals and an amount for this paper and that paper and travel expenses it has broke our bank for a while. Plus, it's not always easy for them to land that great job. My husband applied for hundreds of jobs. Doing anything....he only landed temporary jobs and then found himself laid off. So, when he returns in the spring we are back on the prowl again.

I have to add that I am a very lucky woman in lots of ways. My husband is Muslim and he follows his religion but he isn't overly obsessed with it like I've heard lots of women on here talk about. He has adapted mainly to the ways of the west and incorporated that into his religion. He doesn't use it to control me or make me feel inadequate. I love this about him and this way that he has made me love the religion.

I also think it being a second marriage and previously parents to children helped us. We already knew what it took to work and make a home. That you can't sit on your butt and let one person be responsible for everything. My husband ran his own law practice, owned his own building, had renters, paid for a family before. He knows what this feels like and knows what the word responsibility means. I appreciate this...would I have loved to have been the first and only woman in his life, you sure bet! But then there wouldn't be the Brady Bunch that we have and love so much!!!

Best wishes to anybody going through this process. It takes a lot out of you and don't put the rose colored glasses on when they come. That is when the hard work actually starts and your real life begins. If this is what you want go for it. I hope that you find the love of your life that in 50 years your heart still skips a beat when he walks into the room. If you aren't up for the wait, the money, the patience, the never ending questions and the retraining of how the other person lives their daily life then run now. Best wishes and God bless!!

***Also, Annie, your hubby is lucky to have you and mine is lucky to have me!!!! LOL

Very thorough and thank you! It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and supportive loving partner.

I know you are missing him tremendously.

Thanks for sharing!

[Sandrila 1]

I love supernanny

and rescue nanny 911

where were those shows back in the day when I really needed them???

alot of times i see those shows and say Geez I really dont have it that bad but then again

it always comes back on the parents....so sad to say, if and until your kids are old enough, as 2 of mine are, to take accountablility for their own actions, but it always gets dumped back on us...i swear....even i hear myself beating my parents up for things they did and said or not have done or said when i was growing up.

looking back i will tell my kids

please wait till age 30 or more to have your first child

what you learn between 20 and 30 is monumental

also i know that physical punishment is not right or effective but i will say if from a young age if a child needs

a swat on the ol' tush...i am sorry but I say, it isnt going to kill them

to each his own with their discipline and i do think that anything whether it be yelling, hitting, insulting or whatever is not good

every child is different and god gave me one seriously difficult son, i wish i had my current husband by my side in rearing him

i think i would have been spared alot of grief

[childress_london 3]

I think a good balance is what's needed, of course. I was in a store the other day, and a mother told her son (maybe 6 or so) it was time to go, and he said "No! I don't want to go!". If it had been my child, I would not have put up with that kind of talk to me. My kids know better, of course. But she wasn't shocked or upset. She just continued to coddle him, and didn't address his backtalk at all.

[nunyab 0]

the kids are still trying to warm up to him... the language barrier is causing some problems and he isn't forcing himself too.. i give it time for us... insha'allah they will all become fast freinds

[allousa 1]

I think a good balance is what's needed, of course. I was in a store the other day, and a mother told her son (maybe 6 or so) it was time to go, and he said "No! I don't want to go!". If it had been my child, I would not have put up with that kind of talk to me. My kids know better, of course. But she wasn't shocked or upset. She just continued to coddle him, and didn't address his backtalk at all.

I totally agree with you. It drives me nuts to hear LITTLE kids back talking and completely disrespecting their parents.

[hurriya 0]

I had the blessing of living in Morocco with my husband and son when we first married. It was a tough row to hoe, but we made it work.

My husband was unsure of himself as a father figure and allowed my son to get by with some things that I wouldn't have at times when they were home alone together. My son,of course, took advantage of my husband's lack of discipline and attempted to rebel. He tried also to play the two of us against each other and even pulled the "you're-not-my-dad" card. This ensued for about 2-3 months until we both had to finally sit down with him and both lay down ground rules and expectations. Once our daughter was born, they kind of formed a truce, or sorts and began to work together alot better. Before we returned to the states, they began having "father-son" outtings where they hung out together and did "man things". My son began to really look forwad to it and i think it helped him to better "feel out" my husband and find his place within our new family.

[nunyab 0]

so how do you help hubby look for a job when he feels so insecure about his talents and abilities... perhaps love is blind but I feel like he is totally selling himself short.

[sereia 0]

I say let him get any job just to get himself working and feeling like he's contributing to the household. Then work on getting his confidence up, his language skills up from ESL and being around Americans, and then I think he will want to find something more!

[Staashi 371]

I will add that my husband did say a few times in the beginning that we let the kids rule us. That he has noticed a lot of kids are spoiled here and gets too many chances. That the family dynamic of raising children seems to be lost somewhere..meaning that kids watch a lot of tv, play a lot of video games and stuff like that.

Tasha...my husband has mentioned this from talking with friends at work and hearing stories of their children. He said, "our child will not rule us...I'll make him walk like a soldier." But, I did tell him that if I ever begin to see that our child is becoming too demanding of material possessions that he'll be on a plane to Argentina so fast it will make his head spin. My in-laws live pretty humbly and after spending 4 months there, I realized pretty quickly what I truly needed versus what I truly wanted.

[Aymsgirl 0]

I will add that my husband did say a few times in the beginning that we let the kids rule us. That he has noticed a lot of kids are spoiled here and gets too many chances. That the family dynamic of raising children seems to be lost somewhere..meaning that kids watch a lot of tv, play a lot of video games and stuff like that.

Tasha...my husband has mentioned this from talking with friends at work and hearing stories of their children. He said, "our child will not rule us...I'll make him walk like a soldier." But, I did tell him that if I ever begin to see that our child is becoming too demanding of material possessions that he'll be on a plane to Argentina so fast it will make his head spin. My in-laws live pretty humbly and after spending 4 months there, I realized pretty quickly what I truly needed versus what I truly wanted.

My husband said that when he was growing up his family was pretty well to do with the finances. But they refused to let him be spoiled and he had only four changes of clothes and was not given many toys. He helped his grandfather work in the fields and earned his own money for anything extra he wanted. I understand what he is saying when he talks like this. My older two children are very spoiled by their father and his parents. We had to break them of begging for this and that and thinking that they were owed something. My husband let's Malek get away with a lot now but he's still little. I just tell him that he is setting him up for getting in trouble later. He told me when he is old enough, one time for one thing is all he will get it for. He will know not to do it again. We'll see..........

[MrsAmera 41]

Tasha - My husband used to let Khalil get away with anything! But now that he's almost 2 1/2 I've definetely seen him become much more authoritarian him. I think this was a big relief for Mikhail because he felt like Khalil never got in trouble!!

[nunyab 0]

I say let him get any job just to get himself working and feeling like he's contributing to the household. Then work on getting his confidence up, his language skills up from ESL and being around Americans, and then I think he will want to find something more!

yes I agree.... so I am pisssssssed he went to McDonalds with my 16 yr old son and the supervisor there totally made him feel like #######. She was in a hurry so she spoke super fast (hard for my husband) and only made him feel worse about his skills, then when he gets in the car we had this funny round and round conversation similar to Abbot and Castello so my kids started chuckling but he didn't see it that way..... he went the rest of the night feeling like we were laughing at him I felt terrible and still do.. I have no idea what to do now....

[MrsAmera 41]

He's going to get his feelings and pride hurt a lot. Hate to say it but it's true. My husband has been here 3 years now and it still happens to him. Although I'm sure she wasn't uber nice to him, I've noticed that at least with my husband even the smallest things make him feel so bad, meaning he expects different treatment then what is often presented. Also I think that here the style of business is just different. My husband wants to hear what he wants to hear, and he doesn't want to hear anything to the contrary. When presented with the realization that gee his skills really aren't that great and he needs to improve them he just says "oh well so and so they're just an a** or they're just racist". Well truth be told they're being honest. Although your husband really wants to work, can you enroll him in some class, or some career development things through the local job center? If he's taking ESL classes maybe he could get a job at the book store or cafeteria on campus to start things off. He can continue to apply for other jobs but in the meantime be building skills that he will need.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

I have seen children spit and kick their parents in my store. As nuts and ridiculous as it is, I have seen adults act worse in the store. No wonder children these days dont have discipline- bcz their parents dont either. I have seen adults curse the cashiers, adults fist fight over who was first in the checkout lines, adults stealing galore, adults yelling in the service desk line bcz one person was in front of them and they didnt like to wait. Im honestly not too surprised at how children turn out these days considering how their parents act.