feelings about revenge and deportation when things dont work out

[Sandrila 1]

It's not easy to walk away from someone you love even when it has gone severely sour.

I do feel however that people, any man or woman, HAS THE RIGHT to be happy. It takes a longgggggg time to truly "know" someone and although it makes you feel good to retaliate when wronged ultimately GOD teaches us to forgive.

Sometimes we think we can change someone but no one will change unless they want to change. #1

You can only "try" so hard before realizing it just isnt working. #2

This immigration situation is sticky. Bringing someone here cuz you love them and hoping you will live happily ever after. It isnt as cut and dry like if you had met here and it didnt work out. #3

All in all you got to do what is best for you. Some people do need to be taught lessons. Unfortunately there are these selfish, shallow individuals who would just use someone to attain their own means.

We all have personality flaws too, but lets face it...OIL DOES NOT MIX WITH WATER

[Sandrila 1]

now as for the topic of this thread i already told perviz if its green card ur after ok so be it but u gonna pay thru the nose in child support and support for me so nope if i found out that its gc he is after or it didnt work out i would not try to get him deported

I think that the reality is that when you have to go through so much its super painful when things dont work out. Its not like we met at starbucks. We literally had to wait a year or more to get together and pay humungous fees and just go through so much so when things dont work or bad things happen, it hurts extra bad. in my case it took me from the date I filed till he got here a total of 17 months. Thats alot of time to wait around to be together.... then when bad things happened it just tore me apart.

He will be back here tomorrow from overseas so we will see what happens.. Its been a hard hard road and I have made the choice to handle what ever happens civilly because I feel like being civil with him is better for my kids and my heart than getting upset. Plus like the mods say, there is very little you can do even if they have been hard on you once they have the greencard. Id rather just come to terms with things and be kind to him.

in regards to this saying...you know the old sayin ....KILL EM WITH KINDNESS

I believe that

Good Luck tomorrow Kat

Edited December 15, 2008 by sandrila

[sara..... 371]

plz believe me when i say i am not taking ur husbands side on this kat.

people from other countries many times view death differently than we do and handle it differently.

i know that in some countries death is so often and so they get kind of hardened toward it happening that they dont take it as hard as we do, i know that might not make a lot of sense to some people that have not lived in some of these countries and it sure does not excuse his behavior towards u because he has broken just about everything that has been set in islam on how to treat a wife.

but on some level i wonder is it the difference in culture, loosing his son, and trying to adjust that turned him into such a jerk or was he always that way?

sara

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

If you are only seeing a therapist, and not a psychiatrist, how is it you have medication? My impression was that only psychiatrists (that hold an MD) are able to prescribe.

There are all kinds of medication. Some work for some people, and others don't. In general, the medication that I would presume would be prescribed would be to, in a sense, take the "edge" off your emotions. Limit the lows and and dull triggers to deep emotion. Sinergy, I am sure, did not mean anything by her comment, other than that at times, some of your posts seem to be still very highly emotional and focused on one concept, one point, repetitive in a way. That could be an indicator that the medication prescribed might not be addressing the issue as well as another could. Have a talk with your psychiatrist in private, if you feel that this might be the case.

Have you concidered seeking professional help? after reading all your threads and posts, i think it would be wise.

About your husband, let go, like someone else sd, it takes time, but the sooner you let go the better.

I think considering what has happened. I am doing fine... Not enough going on in the Romanian forum I guess so you have to lurk over here:pop:

i think tara (sinergy) has a valid point - given all i've seen about this subject, professional counseling may well be a good idea.

And one more thing, as much as professional counseling can do, alot of getting better is resolve and willpower. When things hurt that bad, its a combination of medicine.therapy and time that help you get better. Its not one thing.. Some losses are so huge that you have to use several things just to be able to cope. Patly saying you need professional help is just a way of cutting down someone... especially if they dont know you. There are ways to say it... and not be trite..

But I am already getting it. I wouldnt be here if I hadnt. I think dealing with death and divorce in less than 4 months are pretty huge blows and I think I am dealing with things the best that can be expected....They are immeasurable losses and I am trying to go past them.

suggestion one get professional help to get through something traumatic isn't what i'd call cutting a person down - making that observation offhand would be. tara did state she'd read your threads, so i don't believe her post was malicious, but sympathetic in nature.

Well considering I dont even know them and if they did,,, they would know I was already getting it as well as medication, I dont think she meant well at all. She doesnt know me and if she did, she wouldnt say it like that. She was just being trite. I am already getting it as well as taking medicine and I have considering things .dealt with things the best I could. Professional help isnt something you joke about. I have dealt with things that cripple some people into not functioning and I am still hanging in there. I dont need someone tritely dropping into our forum who i dont know tritely saying anything to me...

well if that's the way you want to take it, then so be it.

Charles, unless you have no clue as to how women say things to each other,,,not knowing someone and saying YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP is just a way to insult someone. If you know someone and you say like professional help can help you through this stuff and I hope you get it... its alot differently than someone just saying YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. Thats just a way to belittle or cut someone down.. something I dont need right now.I dont know her and she doesnt know me personally because if she did, she would already know I was getting it and not just try to say something sarcastic.

I dont have a psychiatrist but I do have a therapist and yes it helps greatly. There is no way without therapy and a support group that I could have made it this far at all

I take vistoril for sleep and a nurse practioner at the same place ( the county since I have no insurance) prescribes it. I dont take psychotrophics but if I wanted anti depressants I could get them there. Florida runs a little different. Even just a Gp or walk in clinic can prescribe lets say lexapro or other stuff. I have no health insurance and you have to have insurance to go really nuts ( hehheehhe) I have real bad ptsd and the vistoril helps me sleep through the night without nightmares.. well diddie you learn some thing new every day. Dont lose your mind in Florida cause youll have to get in line for the drugs behind everyone else

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

now as for the topic of this thread i already told perviz if its green card ur after ok so be it but u gonna pay thru the nose in child support and support for me so nope if i found out that its gc he is after or it didnt work out i would not try to get him deported

I think that the reality is that when you have to go through so much its super painful when things dont work out. Its not like we met at starbucks. We literally had to wait a year or more to get together and pay humungous fees and just go through so much so when things dont work or bad things happen, it hurts extra bad. in my case it took me from the date I filed till he got here a total of 17 months. Thats alot of time to wait around to be together.... then when bad things happened it just tore me apart.

He will be back here tomorrow from overseas so we will see what happens.. Its been a hard hard road and I have made the choice to handle what ever happens civilly because I feel like being civil with him is better for my kids and my heart than getting upset. Plus like the mods say, there is very little you can do even if they have been hard on you once they have the greencard. Id rather just come to terms with things and be kind to him.

in regards to this saying...you know the old sayin ....KILL EM WITH KINDNESS

I believe that

Good Luck tomorrow Kat

I agree..it was so funny because forgiving him has taken alot of the pain out of my heart...Now that I am accepting that things may not change and may continue as before has helped me accept things ending..I am going to be kind to him no matter what because it takes too much energy being mad

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

plz believe me when i say i am not taking ur husbands side on this kat.

people from other countries many times view death differently than we do and handle it differently.

i know that in some countries death is so often and so they get kind of hardened toward it happening that they dont take it as hard as we do, i know that might not make a lot of sense to some people that have not lived in some of these countries and it sure does not excuse his behavior towards u because he has broken just about everything that has been set in islam on how to treat a wife.

but on some level i wonder is it the difference in culture, loosing his son, and trying to adjust that turned him into such a jerk or was he always that way?

sara

No.. he was a jerk BEFORE the tragedy and it wasnt just people on vj that saw that.. it was my family... my friends.. even the people at my work, bystanders you name it. I just chalked alot of his loud talking and ways to culture because alot of people from where he lives knock their wives around.. shout at them . I literally would see men walking down the street shouting at their wives.. and see the men pretty much able to do what they wanted to and if they didnt they were called this name called HALAB which means a man controllled by his wife. You cant say a worse thing than HALLAB to a man. Fast foward, I ignored alot of things and I have been by myself without a lot of contact with him for a month. I came to the conclusion I was addicted to him because since he has been gone, my house is doing better.. so is my job. I think I got all wrapped up in being in love that I didnt see what everything he was doing to me was affecting me. I am no innocent in any of this..

How do I describe him exactly? Have you ever seen Night at the Roxbury? The guy that sings what is love.. the shorter one of the brothers? Not entirely bad and not entirely horrible but self centered and puts his needs over everyone else and its all about him him him him him most of the time . I know he is sad about the death but that doesnt explain all the unkind things he did before that. I am hoping he will change but no one around me thinks he will because the basic thing is that he is spoiled and feels entitled.. issues that were going on LONG before I met him. I think I put up with stuff because I felt so bad about myself and now being alone for this time and having time to think as well as having to handle things he left on my shoulders has taught me that the best way to deal with stuff is stay calm and kind and not get mad anymore. Its a waste of time and only he can change himself.. He needs to for his own benefit because he hasnt left a good impression on ANYONE he has interacted with.Hes really given everyone , my family , people who know him and me a bad impression and he wil have to work hard to change that.On my end I have forgiven him and he has a new slate to make things up to me and help me work through things as well. If he doesnt want to. I am ready to deal with that as well. He has a chance to change things and I have waited around a long time for things to improve and they havent.........trying.....tryingggggggg

[sara..... 371]

plz believe me when i say i am not taking ur husbands side on this kat.

people from other countries many times view death differently than we do and handle it differently.

i know that in some countries death is so often and so they get kind of hardened toward it happening that they dont take it as hard as we do, i know that might not make a lot of sense to some people that have not lived in some of these countries and it sure does not excuse his behavior towards u because he has broken just about everything that has been set in islam on how to treat a wife.

but on some level i wonder is it the difference in culture, loosing his son, and trying to adjust that turned him into such a jerk or was he always that way?

sara

No.. he was a jerk BEFORE the tragedy and it wasnt just people on vj that saw that.. it was my family... my friends.. even the people at my work, bystanders you name it. I just chalked alot of his loud talking and ways to culture because alot of people from where he lives knock their wives around.. shout at them . I literally would see men walking down the street shouting at their wives.. and see the men pretty much able to do what they wanted to and if they didnt they were called this name called HALAB which means a man controllled by his wife. You cant say a worse thing than HALLAB to a man. Fast foward, I ignored alot of things and I have been by myself without a lot of contact with him for a month. I came to the conclusion I was addicted to him because since he has been gone, my house is doing better.. so is my job. I think I got all wrapped up in being in love that I didnt see what everything he was doing to me was affecting me. I am no innocent in any of this..

How do I describe him exactly? Have you ever seen Night at the Roxbury? The guy that sings what is love.. the shorter one of the brothers? Not entirely bad and not entirely horrible but self centered and puts his needs over everyone else and its all about him him him him him most of the time . I know he is sad about the death but that doesnt explain all the unkind things he did before that. I am hoping he will change but no one around me thinks he will because the basic thing is that he is spoiled and feels entitled.. issues that were going on LONG before I met him. I think I put up with stuff because I felt so bad about myself and now being alone for this time and having time to think as well as having to handle things he left on my shoulders has taught me that the best way to deal with stuff is stay calm and kind and not get mad anymore. Its a waste of time and only he can change himself.. He needs to for his own benefit because he hasnt left a good impression on ANYONE he has interacted with.Hes really given everyone , my family , people who know him and me a bad impression and he wil have to work hard to change that.On my end I have forgiven him and he has a new slate to make things up to me and help me work through things as well. If he doesnt want to. I am ready to deal with that as well. He has a chance to change things and I have waited around a long time for things to improve and they havent.........trying.....tryingggggggg

kat ur a better person than i am.........if it was me he would have not just had shoes thrown at him but beaten with the sole of my shoe

my God give u the ability to work thru this in a way that is best for u ......u will always be in my prayers

sara

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

plz believe me when i say i am not taking ur husbands side on this kat.

people from other countries many times view death differently than we do and handle it differently.

i know that in some countries death is so often and so they get kind of hardened toward it happening that they dont take it as hard as we do, i know that might not make a lot of sense to some people that have not lived in some of these countries and it sure does not excuse his behavior towards u because he has broken just about everything that has been set in islam on how to treat a wife.

but on some level i wonder is it the difference in culture, loosing his son, and trying to adjust that turned him into such a jerk or was he always that way?

sara

No.. he was a jerk BEFORE the tragedy and it wasnt just people on vj that saw that.. it was my family... my friends.. even the people at my work, bystanders you name it. I just chalked alot of his loud talking and ways to culture because alot of people from where he lives knock their wives around.. shout at them . I literally would see men walking down the street shouting at their wives.. and see the men pretty much able to do what they wanted to and if they didnt they were called this name called HALAB which means a man controllled by his wife. You cant say a worse thing than HALLAB to a man. Fast foward, I ignored alot of things and I have been by myself without a lot of contact with him for a month. I came to the conclusion I was addicted to him because since he has been gone, my house is doing better.. so is my job. I think I got all wrapped up in being in love that I didnt see what everything he was doing to me was affecting me. I am no innocent in any of this..

How do I describe him exactly? Have you ever seen Night at the Roxbury? The guy that sings what is love.. the shorter one of the brothers? Not entirely bad and not entirely horrible but self centered and puts his needs over everyone else and its all about him him him him him most of the time . I know he is sad about the death but that doesnt explain all the unkind things he did before that. I am hoping he will change but no one around me thinks he will because the basic thing is that he is spoiled and feels entitled.. issues that were going on LONG before I met him. I think I put up with stuff because I felt so bad about myself and now being alone for this time and having time to think as well as having to handle things he left on my shoulders has taught me that the best way to deal with stuff is stay calm and kind and not get mad anymore. Its a waste of time and only he can change himself.. He needs to for his own benefit because he hasnt left a good impression on ANYONE he has interacted with.Hes really given everyone , my family , people who know him and me a bad impression and he wil have to work hard to change that.On my end I have forgiven him and he has a new slate to make things up to me and help me work through things as well. If he doesnt want to. I am ready to deal with that as well. He has a chance to change things and I have waited around a long time for things to improve and they havent.........trying.....tryingggggggg

kat ur a better person than i am.........if it was me he would have not just had shoes thrown at him but beaten with the sole of my shoe

my God give u the ability to work thru this in a way that is best for u ......u will always be in my prayers

sara

I have some moroccan friends and they told me to practice something called SUPR or SABR and every time I feel like I cant go on.. I think PATIENCE PATIENCE. I am no saint over here but for the most part, I have been kind and patient with him both before,during and after things happened. I think its more of a case where he is a taker and I have been just giving and giving to the point it drained me senseless. I honestly feel that I needed to feel that I did the best I could with him and that I gave him every chance to change and to grow.I think I just need to concentrate on living and going foward. He can fix his life but it has to be his choice. I know he loved his son.. and I feel bad for his grief but he cant emotionally and physically beat up on me because of it and I have other kids to think about.. I can only raise my kids.. not him too. That was his moms job and her enabling of him got him into this mess of feeling he deserves everything and doesnt have to work hard for things and that jobs are beneath him

[Staashi 371]

A very wise friend of mine once told me, "Never pray for patience, because God will make you suffer for years waiting for the situation to change. He'll give you patience like you've never dreamed of, and you'll go crazy for it. Pray to God for wisdom that you learn how to deal with a situation and master it expediently."

When I heard her say that, I told her I would start praying to God to show me how to get my head out of my azz when necessary. She said, "Amen."

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Vistaril, you mean hydroxyzine? The antihistamine? How will that help your depression? Self-diagnosing isn't a good idea. I think it might be a good idea to double check to make sure you don't need something else to keep your mood leveled.

I take vistoril for sleep and a nurse practioner at the same place ( the county since I have no insurance) prescribes it. I dont take psychotrophics but if I wanted anti depressants I could get them there. Florida runs a little different. Even just a Gp or walk in clinic can prescribe lets say lexapro or other stuff. I have no health insurance and you have to have insurance to go really nuts ( hehheehhe) I have real bad ptsd and the vistoril helps me sleep through the night without nightmares.. well diddie you learn some thing new every day. Dont lose your mind in Florida cause youll have to get in line for the drugs behind everyone else

[caybee 21]

Vistaril, you mean hydroxyzine? The antihistamine? How will that help your depression? Self-diagnosing isn't a good idea. I think it might be a good idea to double check to make sure you don't need something else to keep your mood leveled.

I take vistoril for sleep and a nurse practioner at the same place ( the county since I have no insurance) prescribes it. I dont take psychotrophics but if I wanted anti depressants I could get them there. Florida runs a little different. Even just a Gp or walk in clinic can prescribe lets say lexapro or other stuff. I have no health insurance and you have to have insurance to go really nuts ( hehheehhe) I have real bad ptsd and the vistoril helps me sleep through the night without nightmares.. well diddie you learn some thing new every day. Dont lose your mind in Florida cause youll have to get in line for the drugs behind everyone else

Restoril maybe?

I couldn't agree more here. I've seen someone with undiagnosed bipolar disorder thrown into a full-on manic episode after taking the antidepressants they requested from their GP.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Vistaril, you mean hydroxyzine? The antihistamine? How will that help your depression? Self-diagnosing isn't a good idea. I think it might be a good idea to double check to make sure you don't need something else to keep your mood leveled.

I take vistoril for sleep and a nurse practioner at the same place ( the county since I have no insurance) prescribes it. I dont take psychotrophics but if I wanted anti depressants I could get them there. Florida runs a little different. Even just a Gp or walk in clinic can prescribe lets say lexapro or other stuff. I have no health insurance and you have to have insurance to go really nuts ( hehheehhe) I have real bad ptsd and the vistoril helps me sleep through the night without nightmares.. well diddie you learn some thing new every day. Dont lose your mind in Florida cause youll have to get in line for the drugs behind everyone else

Diddie. I didnt self diagnose. I go to a therapist. I have problems sleeping at night. Not sleeping but I wake up with nightmares. I really respect your advice about immigration but in less than 4 months I have dealt with a death and my husband leaving and I think considering everything I am doing well. Its irresponsible in my humble opinion to be diagnosing people with issues they dont have when you are not a medical doctor nor are you a psychiatrist. I have real life things going on and I think I should feel free enough to talk about immigration issues here or really whatever I want to. I dont have depression per se. I have real life things making me sad.. not things that I am blowing out of proportion. I buried my child, took my husband to the airport not knowing if I would ever see him again and have dealt with things that would put people in the ground with no medication whatsover. If my therapist and the person working at the clinic dont think I need to be doped out of my mind, then neither should you. I may not be your cup of tea as a person and you may find my posts annoying but I am certainly not abusive to other people and unkind.. I am a good mom... I am holding a job in this economy and I personally would like to be COGNISCENT of what is going on around me which I think mood stabilizers and mood elevators sometimes make you easier to be dealt with by other people.. but NUMB is the last thing I want to feel. I dont want to be on psychotrophics and frankly you dispensing medical advice is far beyond what these boards are for. I like what you have to say and respect you but you really are very off base saying this stuff to me. I see a therapist for the death of my child and PTSD and I am grieving but all in all I am very productive and hanging in there. I hope you dont find what I have to say offensive, but if they are prescribing me a medication to help me sleep so I can be ok .. you should respect what they have to say and not make stuff up for your own reasons....I am doing an extremely good job of managing my life despite the cards I have been dealt and most of the other moms I know ARE on drugs after this kind of stuff happened. I made the choice to ride it out off the meds because I have so many responsibilities that I cant afford to zone off into another galaxy on meds. I have to be alert and with it and frankly alot of the meds make you tired.. PLUS I am not clinically depressed. I am sad.. but I have reasons to be...Thanks anyway

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Vistaril, you mean hydroxyzine? The antihistamine? How will that help your depression? Self-diagnosing isn't a good idea. I think it might be a good idea to double check to make sure you don't need something else to keep your mood leveled.

I take vistoril for sleep and a nurse practioner at the same place ( the county since I have no insurance) prescribes it. I dont take psychotrophics but if I wanted anti depressants I could get them there. Florida runs a little different. Even just a Gp or walk in clinic can prescribe lets say lexapro or other stuff. I have no health insurance and you have to have insurance to go really nuts ( hehheehhe) I have real bad ptsd and the vistoril helps me sleep through the night without nightmares.. well diddie you learn some thing new every day. Dont lose your mind in Florida cause youll have to get in line for the drugs behind everyone else

Restoril maybe?

I couldn't agree more here. I've seen someone with undiagnosed bipolar disorder thrown into a full-on manic episode after taking the antidepressants they requested from their GP.

I dont want to be on anti depressants . I dont want to be on ANYTHING. I take vistoril because it was prescribed to me to make sure I can sleep and it works. Its like benedryl on steroids and its non addictive and its enabled me to get sleep and stay asleep with out all the night terrors that I was experiencing. Its awfully hard to sleep when you are grieving and I dont want medicate something thats not there. For me therapy works because I see the same person every week and I can talk out things. I write and I communicate with a support network daily. Psychotrophic medications are a GODSEND for some but for some people, talk therapy, diet and SLEEP help them greatly. I could not have endured the last few months and still been employed and taking care of my kids well if I didn t have the therapy.. however I resent someone comparing me to someone else who hasnt had NEARLY the stress level I have had the last 4 months. I am hanging in there and if I choose not to crutch on pills to endure my grief, then its my choice. Not all people want to be medicated and for some people its the best choice ever....for others it is working through grief and talking it through. I see a therapist an hour a week who is a licensed clinical social worker WHO I SOUGHT OUT. I talk to grief support every single day. I interact in person and by phone with people that are loving and supportive of me who dont put me down. I write and create and have hobbies. I give to other people whenever I can and I love my job which involves dealing with alot of people. Thats my medicine.... learning, ready, studying and interacting. No pill can give you a hug and tell you I understand.. For some people pills are the only thing that carries them through and they need them to survive and frankly thats what helps them survive things. They can carry you sometimes when nothing else will... But to medicate someone who is thriving without them isnt always the smartest thing you can do.. I also dont have health insurance nor do I have the money to pay 150 dollars to be on medicine that I dont want to be on anyway...My brother adores wellbutrin and it made him more happy.. Id rather work through my issues and face things without something altering my perception of things ....Thats just me... thanks anyway

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

A very wise friend of mine once told me, "Never pray for patience, because God will make you suffer for years waiting for the situation to change. He'll give you patience like you've never dreamed of, and you'll go crazy for it. Pray to God for wisdom that you learn how to deal with a situation and master it expediently."

When I heard her say that, I told her I would start praying to God to show me how to get my head out of my azz when necessary. She said, "Amen."

When I get my head out of my ### Stace, you will be the very first to know.. I PROMISE

[merijan 0]

You know hanging in there, kat, I have posted many times and if you choose to ignore them it is perfectly ok with me. But what I have to say is not to down you,youve already been there, not to put you in ur place , you have lived that, not to cause you emotion, or make you angry you go through that all the time. Because YOu choose to live and stay with an abusive man.

Now either you are a liar, and all the storys you have posted here are out and out fabrication and lies, or this man you married is an Abuser. And abusive men never ever ever ever change so easily if they ever ever ever change at all, .. ever.

So here is the thinng if you wnat your children to grow up thinking it is ok to marry an abuser or to be one go ahead and stay with this man, and destroy their ego, soul , and future. If you want to stand up against abuse and say this is never ever ever ever ok and teach them that then you must never take him back.

As I stated several times before you are not ready for that. You want to stay with the abuser and allow your children to see that, and YOU are the one responsible for them YOU are the one who can claim your freedom from abuse. You are fortunate to live in the USA where victoms have ALL the rights and abusers have NONE. So take that adavatage . There are abused women in all walks of life , and I lived 10 years with this , and I will tell any woman I see who is willing to listen , the truth about abusive men.

So please RESPECT YOURSELF NOW,, Give that gift to your children.

LOOK in the mirror, thats your daughter years from now . YOU want that pain fo rher??

Stop it now for them. FOR you you are a worthy , beautifull, smart , woman. YOu are a Muslim .. Allah would never condone this for you.

Think about this. And I know if your not ready to stand up you wont. Inshallah some day you will.