What Normal Is Now

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I found a poem yesterday that doesnt completely sum up how I feel but it hits alot of points. I have 2 children living with me and I have to give them more in my opinion than this author is offering .. because grief is a pool that if you swim in too much... You cant get back out

People say "I understand" I even used to say this to people.. but unless you have carried a child 9 months only to love them and hold them in your arms and change their diaper... no you dont.. you will never understand.. You can care .. You can be compassionate... But imagine any of your children that you have ...not with you anymore...and then imagine that it never goes away... then you can find a place to some how comprehend

I had someone tell me yesterday GET OVER IT and compare this to another loss . The one thing that I learned from all of this is to embrace the beauty of life and the good things that I have.. my kids,my mother.... the fact the lights go on and off and I still have my house... People have said some pretty nasty things and done worse.. but the good outweighs the bad. If you know anyone who has lost a child and you thought you understood their loss... you didnt but in this season... the holiday season...you can tell them you love them or that you are thinking of them and at least minimise their pain

WHAT IS NORMAL NOW...for someone who has lost a child

From the heart of a bereaved Mother... This is now what "normal" is...

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have one child or none, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Thanks for listening and EID MABROOK

Please appreciate the life you have each day and the blessings that come with it

Love HIT

[Gemmie 142]

I sent it to my old friend who lost her twin daughters last year. She has another baby now, a little boy, but is still so very torn apart over losing her daughters.

She hates when people are afraid to bring them up, she likes it when people acknowledge that they existed.

Edited December 8, 2008 by Gemmie

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I sent it to my old friend who lost her twin daughters last year. She has another baby now, a little boy, but is still so very torn apart over losing her daughters.

She hates when people are afraid to bring them up, she likes it when people acknowledge that they existed.

Gemmie I read what you wrote about what happened with your dad when your mom died and I took it to heart. I pay very careful attention to my son who is 13 even though he hates it because I was really affected at how your moms death affected you and how you felt alone as your mom was grieving. Sometimes just really watching everything your child is doing..from what sweater your teen puts on in the morning .. to making sure he has all his little things met... is critical.. especially during grieving.. Everyone knows my almost 4 year old is very needy...but teens grieve a different way and arent as open to talking about the pain they are in.I take extra care to make sure my teen is ok because this is such a hard time for him anyway.. the age of adolescence.I think I walk the balance of trying to grieve hard enough to get past this but also to make sure my kids have their own happiness...our way...the kids and me is to go to the cemetary together...but having some fun is critical too....Grief makes other people uncomfortable and in our society...we are all supposed to have happy endings...grief becomes something necessary to deal with...but difficult because you do it alone...I want my son and daughter to have normalcy and if that means absorbing everything alone...Ill have to do that... I dont want them to hurt or feel like i am feeling..thanks gemmie

[Staashi 371]

I sent it to my old friend who lost her twin daughters last year. She has another baby now, a little boy, but is still so very torn apart over losing her daughters.

She hates when people are afraid to bring them up, she likes it when people acknowledge that they existed.

Gemmie, I have a good friend that she always introduces her family as introducing the daughters who are living and then she states she has two, a daughter and son, who are with the Lord. I always liked that. It kind of caught me off guard at first, but I thought it was a great way to acknowledge that they were here at one time.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I sent it to my old friend who lost her twin daughters last year. She has another baby now, a little boy, but is still so very torn apart over losing her daughters.

She hates when people are afraid to bring them up, she likes it when people acknowledge that they existed.

Gemmie, I have a good friend that she always introduces her family as introducing the daughters who are living and then she states she has two, a daughter and son, who are with the Lord. I always liked that. It kind of caught me off guard at first, but I thought it was a great way to acknowledge that they were here at one time.

I have had a lot of conflicting advice. The woman that works with infant loss told me to grieve as long as I had to. My mom screams and says MOVE ON... I know I have to grieve but I also understand my moms point of view. You cant spend a whole lifetime grieving or you lose everyone else.. Compound that with losing other things...it gets harder..I just really appreciate my other children so much and NO they dont make it easier but they give my life meaning still. Grief is just something unless you are in the middle of, you cant relate to. It seems foreign and un comfortable and othre peoples reactions is either to shout it away or make you disappear unless you can act like you are 100 percent ok. Or if they are mad at you for other things, they drag that into the mix....Like the grief becomes a label you have to carry and you cant have any other identity...You do exactly what you have to do to survive is what I tell people that have a loss.... along with births marriages and divorce... comes death....and the way you deal with it is exactly how you have to to survive and keep going...Not in other peoples time.. In your own.... And just pray you never have to bury your own child before you die....I thought I knew what pain was but I never did.... I never really knew what pain that never stops felt like.. You can be strong for others...you can fight to be ok... but to watch someone you were pregnant with go into the ground is the worst feeling ever...because he will never run down the street to jump into your arms... he just disappears into the cold and you just wish you could hug him

So Ijust hug my little girl extra hard when I start feeling that....cause I have to... and she doesnt mind

[Sandrila 1]

I am hoping that God's healing hand and loving arms surround you during the holidays and the new year to come.

I hope that with time you can find peace and happiness again.

[Aymerlu 3]

Awwww Kat.....you made me cry. I love this poem.....think I'll carry it around with me for a while.

[Nothing1234 2]

My father has been grieving for almost 8 years after losing my mother and he's only 56 years old..though he acts like he's 90...my mother was the love of his life and his best friend. He's gained an enormous amount of weight, doesn't go out (unless I force him and throw a fit), thinks everything bad that happens only happens to him, seeks pity of everyone no matter what the situation (even when death/loss occurs to others) he's looking for their sympathy as well and so on... It's one of the hardest things to deal with when you are the "OTHER" person (which is me, babies, aunts and uncles). I have grieved my mother and my best friend as well in my own way. To this day I still cry when I see her pictures, think of my twins never meeting her or my husband, smell something that reminds me of her or see mothers/daughters together in situations that should be me and her. It's very very difficult.

I guess my point is...sometimes as the "OTHER" person I get angry at my father for the way he is. Sometimes I feel he's selfish for thinking he's the only one that's hurt or for not trying harder to live life with us (the living). He forgets that we are here and doesn't take care of his health as he should. So you have to know that when your mother reacts weird or gets angry or your children may as well...its a typical reaction of the living left to "clean up" the pieces of the person left alone.

Recently, I freaked on him (with the birth of the twins) and he's finally realizing...he needs to take care of himself and remember the living...we need his love and attention too! I'm proud of his progress but its been one heck of a path he's followed.... I only ask do not forget those that are living and need your love and support.

Its not "Hey get a grip and move on" but "Hey, remember me...I'm still here and need you too".

Best of luck Kat.

[Donna A 4]

hey kat, try talking with jayjay here on vj. she lost her baby daughter and seams to be coping really well. maybe she can help u since she went thru it also.

[SaadBell 0]

There is no normal, everyone deals in their loss differently. Don't compare yourself to anyone, all of us deal with loss in a different way. Some just close up and pretend it away, while others are open and talk about their loss. There is no right way to go about your loss, and you not only lost your precious son, but the man you had based your dreams on. So you are going through some major loss. As far as people telling you to get over it, that tells me they are uncomfortable with their own feelings, it has nothing to do with you. Right now you are just survive day to day trying to manage your life the best you can, and that is all you can do for now. Truly just keep going, you will never get over the loss of your son, but you will have days that are better than they are now. That is not to say that 10 years from now you won't still cry, you will never forget your son, and never stop feeling that loss.

[HannahP 119]

I sent it to my old friend who lost her twin daughters last year. She has another baby now, a little boy, but is still so very torn apart over losing her daughters.

She hates when people are afraid to bring them up, she likes it when people acknowledge that they existed.

Gemmie, I have a good friend that she always introduces her family as introducing the daughters who are living and then she states she has two, a daughter and son, who are with the Lord. I always liked that. It kind of caught me off guard at first, but I thought it was a great way to acknowledge that they were here at one time.

My mother lost my baby brother to SIDS a little over eighteen years ago. This was before a lot was known about SIDS and how to prevent it - sleeping the baby on his back, etc. She still blames herself and grieves quite a bit on his birthday. I think she mentioned him (w/the rest of us) for over a decade. Now, she tends to mention him when prompted but it's mostly internalized now.

So sad.

[bhajishah 4]

I KNow it sucks, two babies and brother lost. when working in Hi risk antepartum have to live through it every week. Easy for the husband to move on and get on with living life. Not afun time I feel for ya. duas be strong muslimah and take good carfe of the living as well as you can. get help if you cant.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I KNow it sucks, two babies and brother lost. when working in Hi risk antepartum have to live through it every week. Easy for the husband to move on and get on with living life. Not afun time I feel for ya. duas be strong muslimah and take good carfe of the living as well as you can. get help if you cant.

huh?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I KNow it sucks, two babies and brother lost. when working in Hi risk antepartum have to live through it every week. Easy for the husband to move on and get on with living life. Not afun time I feel for ya. duas be strong muslimah and take good carfe of the living as well as you can. get help if you cant.

Well it was getting left afterwards while he is working things out in his own head that hurt so bad. He may come back soon but I am bracing for the worst. We are talking daily but there is a hole in my heart from dealing with things by myself. I got the tombstone up alone. I picked it out alone. I have been sleeping alone for almost a month...staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep. I am not a strong person and certainly havent done a "good job" of dealing with this. I miss him every single day and I am not so much horror struck as I was but more resigned to keep everything else together. I go to work. I pick up. I shop. My laundry has turned into laundry mountain to the point I just go out to the laundry room and grab clean clothes that are coming out of the dryer. My car is reasonably picked up. My bathroom isnt an e coli and mildew farm and mopped. So I think from the looks of things,,,I LOOK reasonably normal. I am not on any kind of meds but I am going to ask to take some anti anxiety pills or have some on hand when I have panic attacks. I think I have just been through so much over the last 7 years that this has just become part of "normal". I have my good days and bad days... and sometimes its good hours and bad hours and sometimes its good minutes and bad hours but I am taking careful note of some of the stuff people have said about how grief affected them as kids and I really dont want to have my kids not being able to cope. Humdullilah they havent missed a day of school since this happened and they go to bed clean and safe. It sucks not having the help of my husband but that was a choice he made when he left a month ago to mentally sort things out. Like I said he may or may not return but I havent even had a choice or a chance to sort that problem out yet because I am so busy trying to survive my babys loss. I havent had a chance to get indignant or disappointed at that and in fact I have been really nice to him when he calls and in the week before he left I just was numb to the fact of what I perceived as a grevious abandonment. I think I m right feeling left by myself at this time but rage isnt what I am feeling. I first felt abandoned but thats hard when you are still talking by phone everyday. I think I just feel resigned to deal with whatever comes this way because I cannot control it or anyone else at this point. All I can do is take super good care of my kids and make sure that my son stays ok in school because this time is hard for kids ( teens) even when things are not that bad. I have to check on home work, make sure he makes his piano lessons,get him to bandconcerts.. take note of social activities etc. For my toddler, I need to make sure she is clean and fed and feels good and happy and give her a little bit of a holiday. Her father stopped paying child support and didnt even call her for eid ( he is arab and muslim ) and that was a huge let down and him not helping when her daycare is so expensive is a drain. Compound that with my husband leaving and not contributing..its been like such vicious cycle that if I let myself implode I will. Sometimes things just suck so bad that you just really work to find the good things because if you don't you will go absolutely nuts..which I dont have the luxury of doing

So I just count my blessings... my lights being on... my kids being ok... my house being ok...I am safe.. I am here. My kids are safe.. they are here.. My baby is gone and it tears me from limb to limb that he is not with me and that my husband isnt either but there is nothing I can do except try to forgive.. and hold out hope that peoples hearts will change and if they dont ,,, then I was doing the right thing all along while waiting and that I did the best I could.

Taking care of the kids that are here is so critical that I can only focus on getting through each day and each week with them and then just making sure I organize the bills and dont end up in more #######.I know saying I feel lucky just sounds so ridiculous but with people losing their houses and their minds , I could be there too.. in crazy land.. without a place to live... with my kids hungry and everything in chaos and I havent hit that yet. I have food in the fridge and a warm place to shower and a washer and dryer to wash my clothes and I have my little kids here to take care of... I miss my baby but I dont have the luxury to stop living even though I want to almost every day.. Other little souls will go down and fast and then I lose them too. I am absolutely not strong at all. I just love my other kids so much that I know that I have to be the one solid thing in their life to help them survive everything and to go foward.

I dont think anyone is ever prepared for things this sucky but sometimes when they happen you just go one hour at a time or one day at a time and some how come out the other end..

[S and S 12]

My mother passed away when I was nine years old of brain cancer. She fought it for 11 months before it finally took her. I think she knew my father couldn't handle being a single parent and really wanted to live. The hospice nurses said they never saw anyone fight harder and want to live more than my mother. I didn't get to say goodbye. They thought they were doing my brother and I a favor by sending us off to some grandparents on the weekend she would die. It had been confirmed before I got home from school on Friday but no one told us. They just asked if we wanted to go visit our grandparents and we were too young to realize it was the end for my mother. I was angry for years because they tricked us. My last goodbye was a quick hug and kiss to my mother who was in a wheel chair by that time. She was getting fairly out of it by then so I'm not sure she even knew it was the last. I do know that by the next day she was in a coma and still she cried out me and brother's names.

My father tried to be strong at first. He made it about a year as everyone wanted to take me and my brother away from him so he thought he had something to prove. Instinct made me and my brother want to be with our dad because we had lost one parent and didn't want the other one out of sight. We were like pieces of my mother so he didn't want to lose us as well. He loved us, but he loved her in a way only true love can. After one year he fell apart. Started drinking, missing work, stopped cooking or buying food. After awhile our dinner came in dollar bills for the vending machines at the apartments. That or pizza. I couldn't eat pizza for years because of that. We only survived because of the social security we got for my mother's death. My father kept losing any jobs he got and it was a roller coaster ride of not knowing when he would be sober and trying or drinking and oblivious. My brother and I covered for him. Most of our family had no idea what was going on. We knew they would take us from him so we took care of ourselves. We would get up for school, get ourselves ready, eat what we could find and wear what clothes we had from before or what our friends gave us that they didn't want anymore. My grandfather would offer to take me shopping and I always acted like I didn't need much though I desperately did. I don't think I got my first bra until two years after I had really needed one and that was after one of my grandmother's realized the problem. They didn't get suspicious of my dad because of course he is a man and wouldn't know what I might need.

I mourned my mother's loss alone, at night in my bedroom. Some nights I could hear my brother muffling his crying and other nights I would walk in on my father in the living room in the dark crying silently. It wasn't easy by any means and I can't even handle a movie where the mother passes away (even if it is an animal). I know they pain and wouldn't want any child to face death at such a young age. I only have vague memories of my mother now. I know she used to put sweet notes in my lunches. She made me soup when I was sick. She sat with me through every book when I learned to read. I just regret that I never got to know the real her. The one you see after you get a little older. I just try to live through the memories of other family members as my father can't talk about her without getting upset. It has been 19 years, but he has never married again and barely dated.

The ironic part is, and I haven't brought this up to my husband but December 10th was the day she died. I am hoping his coming here on that day will replace the sadness I normally feel on that day. Now I can think it is the day I finally got to be with my husband. Maybe God was giving me a sign, I don't know.