Adjustment to the United States

[sus 70]

Marlita - You just hit on the biggest piece of my relationship with DJ - We have been through ALOT of stuff in the past year - And he truly is my rock (although at times I want to hit him over the head with it!) - he has told me that I am the same for him - I can't even tell you how many times we have each just sat there with the other, in person or on the phone, letting the other one cry and just being there - I think you made the best point of this whole conversation, and one that I think would be easy to overlook - because we get so caught up in all the other stuff that goes along with this process, and forget to pay attention to the most important part - the love and nurturing that founded it.

[Marlita 0]

Wow. Thanks a lot for sharing this. If you get any more valuable learnings from the counseling, please share those, too.

We really lucked out an found a counselor who is from Belize and moved here in his 20's. He's 40 now. He also went to a Christian boarding school in May Pen JA for awhile so he has that carribean expat knowledge and the knowlede of JA culture and relgion. He has opened MY eyes to things that I dont think just any counselor would have been able to.

I mean some of the stuff he mentions I am like "whoa! NO ONE has ever made me think about that!"

Edited February 11, 2009 by Marlita

[sus 70]

Island woman, what Nannygirl posted was very good, you can't isolated anyone and think that they will just fit into your environment.

At the time I wanted him to find his on way so to speak, and really didn't think I had to show him. Looking back I guess maybe I did.

About the marrying into a white family. When we first got together this was NEVER an issue, until he came here. Then it became an issue whenever we went to Church or just to visit my family. He said he felt "uncomfortable". I am not sure why this came out all of a sudden, and the best part was when he said I was racist. For him this became an issue, not sure why and never got a real answer.

I very much think this was because he for once was a minority. In JA, he as a Black person or Jamaican person is a majority. You become very self....aware once you are around people different from you. Just them being White will make him aware that he is different. They may not have an issue with him whatsoever, but he has an issue with it. I had an issue with it when i went to college. First time around White people and I was the minority. It was very eye opening to see all the differences in us. Not just our skin, and speech, but our goals and history and dreams and so much more.

I can see this as well, Marlita - I know, just from my own experiences, that is an adjustment and something that takes getting used to - I can remember going to a step show with my friends and being the only white person - My friends acted normal towards me, but I felt wierd - it's hard to explain.

I understand. When my mom tried to send me to Walla Walla College in Walla Walla RASS Washington state, I felt completely out of place. Same when I went to a wedding in (let me see if I can get the town right) Beaver Creek, Montana (don't laugh), all eyes were on me, while I felt out of place and uncomfortable, I didn't dwell on it, I was there to support my friends at their wedding.

Craig's family has never been around a white person and it was very cool hanging with his little cousins, touching my hair, my face, speaking...it's neat to show others that we ALL are human !!! When I went to Kingston and only saw a very few white folk, I could care less. I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Now...send me to my Jamaican friends house in Baltimore City (rough part)...um, nope. I'm a little scared there ! But he says...we're one people !

It's not a question of being comfortable in your own skin - It's just a difference - It's suddenly realizing that your own skin is different - all eyes are on you, etc... kinda like the fat girl in the bikini contest. I am not saying it's an issue - Lord knows I have been the only white person many times since - But it's different when you are out of your element, everything is different to you, and you suddenly have that realization. Not in a bad way, but it's different.

[justucia 0]

marlita- thank you for sharing your experiences!!!!

was your hubby reluctent(sp) to go to counseling?

did you have to talk him *into* it, or was he a-ok with it?

i want pre-marriage counseling but D looks at me like im crazy- im not giving up though

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

OMG you have definitely put another perspective into my relationship...me and hubby haven't had any really bad tiffs like that but the tiffs that we did have i can honestly say it may be because i am not showing him any nurturing attention...the other day hubby was not speaking to me and i haven't had a clue why and i was getting mad at him and he was just saying he wanted to be alone and just didn't want to talk so i was getting mad at him and just telling him off that i can't believe he not talking to me and blah blah when i should of just been easy and realize that it is probably hitting home right now that he is not in his own terrority and he doesn't really have control over anything right now...I'm going to go home and give hubby and big hug... ...and you better sit back up right now...

You know, I really think this is a big issue. I am such a culprit of this and I felt horrible once I realized thats been a big part of our problem. Evan did and still does that same thing....gets in a "funk" as i call it. It would make me so mad and I'd get upset and stubborn and think..."we'll just be in yo funk then!" But I really think its him not having anyone but me to talk to at times. Being bored at home all day. People here are not friendly and he just needs alot of support right now. He has gotten so much better since working and school and his one friend and my sis' fiance. He really had no one but me and I didnt even realize that I was not giving him the attention he needed at the time. So I really make a conscious effort to ask about his day and how he's doing, and giving him hugs and kisses and saying I love you and that I appreciate the little things he has been doing for me since being here. His attitude has changed so much now.

Wow, I'm so thankful to be blessed with my wonderful husband. I thank God for him everyday, I don't know how else to say it, he's just different. I'm not sure if it's because we spent so much time talking about what we liked and what wasn't acceptable to both of us. I have truly been blessed for the past 7 months and I pray that my blessing will continue.

'Lita, our relationship has been put to the test with my EX trying to interfere, his family that lives in the states trying to get him to move, him being a step-dad, his mother passing and him adjusting to the states and he's done very, very well. I set a few things in place before he got here, such as school and finding activities that he would like and it worked out very well. I always ask how he's doing and he ask how my day was.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Lita..good point and I can definately see this being an issue for some..

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Lawny..totally..kashi and i too..always ask about each others day..it just opens so much to talk about..sometimes he comes home at night with 50 stories..he calls me tells me he misses me..and i do the same...emotional support is totally huge

[JaHoney 3]

hey ladies, good evening

okay pic is way to big, gotta remove that like quick fast and in a hurry...LOL

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Hey Honey..like the new pic

[JaHoney 3]

thanks kimmy, it was too big i dont like seeing myself in that much living color i need to resize it

[Shemmy 4]

I feel the same way. Damien and I have survived alot together - LDR, age and cultural differences. We definitely enjoy each other's company...we keep each other happy and laughing. He's definitely my best friend...we stayed up for hours talking about friendships last night. I love the way he likes to take care of me in every way.

Has it been easy - NO.

Any regrets - NOPE. I would do it again all over...

[JaHoney 3]

i find much of this info/advice/input to be quite invaluable.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

I feel the same way. Damien and I have survived alot together - LDR, age and cultural differences. We definitely enjoy each other's company...we keep each other happy and laughing. He's definitely my best friend...we stayed up for hours talking about friendships last night. I love the way he likes to take care of me in every way.

Has it been easy - NO.

Any regrets - NOPE. I would do it again all over...

my sentiments..last night we sat here at laughed at some ppl on BET honors ..thing when he gets alugh going..he can't stop...

[sus 70]

Honey, love the new pic, that is so cute!!

[PortlandAngel 0]

ok, so I know that I am posting alot right now, but I've finally got a slow day at work and this topic is very interesting to me. Not all the drama in it, but the actual story sharing.

Anyway...I've noticed that in most ALL the stories that everyone shared when speaking of the things they did for their husband so he could "adjust" were all fundamental things. I.E, give him bus schedules, show him barbers, JA food spots, parks, buying certain foods, helping with a job search, etc. However, I did not hear anyone mention any emotional or nurturing support. I mention this cause I too fall a victim of giving lots of fundamental support with less emotional support. This was actually pointed out to me this weekend by a Christian counselor that Evan and I talk to. (I'm telling you all, counseling is the best! Go there BEFORE you start to have issues and needs for it). Anyway. I realized that I was doing all these "things' for my husband but what he really needed in this move was lots of nuturing support. Sometimes he's just sad or angry or lonely and all he wants is ME. Not more JA food, or someone to speak patois with all day, or more reggae music, or whatever. He says he just wants me to be his rock when he gets in these down times. And he wants to be able to look back at the down time and remember that it was ME that helped him out of it, by just giving him affection and love and a nurturing word or two. Beyond that he says having all that other stuff like buying him certain clothes and shoes or food he likes means absoulutely nothing. Its not the adjustment of the US thats hard its the adjustment of only having ONE PERSON that you are supposed to look to to give you emotional support. He's in a new country and newly married. Who does he talk to when down? Who does he look to for a hug or to hold him? Who is supposed to say they love you to him? Who is supposed to cheer him up when down? Make him happy when sad? ME! Its a HUGE job for me. Cause its a person who is very emotionally needy at the time cause they have no one else. He has no friends or family here. So he needs to get all the emotional support he got from them from me now. I was so worried about making his transition smooth with all the fundamental stuff, that I started really forgetting the emotional stuff. I started to think he was not appreciative, but what I realize is that he was really in a bad predicament and it was up to me to help him through it. But thats a marriage right? So of course its a new adjustment for me to learn to be that person. So thats where we clashed. He had all these needs that were not being met, even though I thought I was giving him so much. But I just didnt know that I wasnt giving him the one thing he wanted the most, and he was resentful to me for not giving it to him.

Its really an eye opener, but helps me to see that once we really start to learn each other, we can really have such a wonderful future together if we stay on track and keep each other as the #1 priority.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now, cause I know folks say I need to sit down all the time/.

OMG, I got so emotional reading this post. I totally get were you are going from, Its a lot of responsibility, I was so happy when he found some friends that live in the States that he could call and talk to and they just got here last year too, so they were able to share some of their experience and he doesn't feel so alone.

Yesterday he got some money that someone owed him in JA, he put some in our savings and checking. Then went and filled up the car and got some calling card. He look so much more happy, when I asked him why he was so happy, he was like he felt better he was able to do something and use his money. I have never consider the money i have my money it always our money, he has a check card so he is able to get money from our account whenever, but it made him feel better that he could use his money to do something.

I