Is the romance gone?

[sussemadel 16]

Thanks everyone!

Reading all of your posts made me teary about my situation. But only for a moment. I'm tough and I will survive. I've got plans. Forgive me for momentary weakness.

girl, you're allowed to feel weak. that is one of the great things about this group. We're not just here for the good times but we are here in the weaker moments as well. I think you and I could do some serious beetching together about the things our boys do that drive us batty!!! I, for one, love ya. take a deep breath and exhale slowly. we will soon find our inner "chi's " and come out of the tunnel much better, stronger, and wizer than ever before

Thank you for your kind words!

Nutty I live in Portland if you ever want to get together, if you would like some emotional support

[amal 4]

Thank you for your male perspective Brad!

I was going to say the same thing..you beat me to the punch! Thanks Brad!!!

good post brad! it is always good to get a man's perspective on these issues

[venusfire503 54]

I guess I'm weird... I actually was relieved about the not-celebrating-holidays/birthdays thing. We're both very hit and miss about it, and I even worried at times it might 'bite us' if he gets called for a ROC interview (I heard they sometimes ask what gifts you bought each other). We went so far as to 'assign' certain gifts to certain occasions after the fact (um... ok, if they ask, the GPS we bought in November last year was really a Christmas present). Even that sort of went by the wayside. I think if he gets interviewed, we'll just tell them we decided not to do gifts for celebrations, we just buy each other what we want when we can (I've always liked that philosophy, even before I met him).

As far as buying things in general - we get more starry eyed over thoughtful gestures than things that cost money anyway. For example, my ex is trying to take full custody of my kids. When I got in the car to go to see my lawyer one morning, I found a note from my husband (who had worked overnight) on the steering wheel, encouraging me and reminding me just to say "bismillah" and things like that. It made me very teary eyed, and I was so happy about it. I made sure to mention it to him as soon as possible (after I was home and he woke up).

[Martiniolive 0]

I guess I'm weird... I actually was relieved about the not-celebrating-holidays/birthdays thing. We're both very hit and miss about it, and I even worried at times it might 'bite us' if he gets called for a ROC interview (I heard they sometimes ask what gifts you bought each other). We went so far as to 'assign' certain gifts to certain occasions after the fact (um... ok, if they ask, the GPS we bought in November last year was really a Christmas present). Even that sort of went by the wayside. I think if he gets interviewed, we'll just tell them we decided not to do gifts for celebrations, we just buy each other what we want when we can (I've always liked that philosophy, even before I met him).

As far as buying things in general - we get more starry eyed over thoughtful gestures than things that cost money anyway. For example, my ex is trying to take full custody of my kids. When I got in the car to go to see my lawyer one morning, I found a note from my husband (who had worked overnight) on the steering wheel, encouraging me and reminding me just to say "bismillah" and things like that. It made me very teary eyed, and I was so happy about it. I made sure to mention it to him as soon as possible (after I was home and he woke up).

OH I LOVE the leaving the notes thing! Personally I like sweet thoughtful gestures more than material gifts...with the exception of the wedding ring thing *eh hem* so if my husband leaves me notes, cooks me dinner or even makes me some really good mint tea, there will be a happy ending LOL for sure

[Brad and Vika 129]

Thanks ladies - you gave me a few great laughs (and some serious stuff too) with this. Honestly, we (men) really are trainable Just help us adapt culturally - with kindness and love. Women are wonderful, complex creatures, and men have an unbelievably tough time figuring out what our women need sometimes.

After my Viktoria moved back to Ukraine, I spent a pretty awesome week with her in her hometown. Towards the end of the week she said that we needed to talk about something important. Alarm bells were going off in my thick male head. She asked me why, after we had spent almost a week together, that I had never once brought flowers. She patiently explained how important this gesture was for Ukrainian women (she used the term Slavic women), and I promptly created some barely believable excuse that she ignored completely. The real problem is that my Russian wasn't up to ordering flowers.

Within 15 minutes walk of my apartment, there was about a half mile of flower vendors near Ushakova St. It is a beautiful sight, and I come back every time kicking myself for not taking pictures. I thought "OK - these folks want to sell me flowers, and I want to buy them. We can probably work this out!" Sure enough, after a few minutes of VERY slow/often repeated Russian I had a decent looking bunch of flowers. To this day I think Vika likes flowers more than almost any other gift.

My point of course is that she had to teach me what she needed. No way would I have thought that a few flowers would make her so happy. No matter if it is a flower, card, or slingin' a mop - tell us what you need. We want you to be happy, but we are men, and that means we are just not hard-wired to figure it out on our own.

Take Care

Brad, that is so true. Thank you for your honesty. I also tell my husband, "tell me what you need. I am not a mind reader." Sometimes, I think he gets the point.

Men and women both do this We assume that our wants and needs are so obvious that they cannot be missed or misunderstood. I believe that men are far less intuitive generally (at least I am), so all we can do is ask questions and try different things - to see what our woman really likes. But sometimes you have to tell us directly!

Thank you for your male perspective Brad!

My pleasure - if any of my goofy insight is helpful.

Thank you for your male perspective Brad!

I was going to say the same thing..you beat me to the punch! Thanks Brad!!!

My point of course is that she had to teach me what she needed. No way would I have thought that a few flowers would make her so happy. No matter if it is a flower, card, or slingin' a mop - tell us what you need. We want you to be happy, but we are men, and that means we are just not hard-wired to figure it out on our own.

Take Care

This is exactly what my husband tells me. There have been so many times when I have thought that if I hint at something he'll figure it out...

Apparently my husband needs me to spell it out for him

The part I struggle with at times is taking the periodic "review of Brad's behavior" in the spirit in which it was intended. Sometimes I don't understand the difference between being criticized and being helped to understand her needs.

Thank you for your male perspective Brad!

I was going to say the same thing..you beat me to the punch! Thanks Brad!!!

good post brad! it is always good to get a man's perspective on these issues

It sounds like we all agree

[Nutty 2]

Thanks everyone!

Reading all of your posts made me teary about my situation. But only for a moment. I'm tough and I will survive. I've got plans. Forgive me for momentary weakness.

girl, you're allowed to feel weak. that is one of the great things about this group. We're not just here for the good times but we are here in the weaker moments as well. I think you and I could do some serious beetching together about the things our boys do that drive us batty!!! I, for one, love ya. take a deep breath and exhale slowly. we will soon find our inner "chi's " and come out of the tunnel much better, stronger, and wizer than ever before

Thank you for your kind words!

Nutty I live in Portland if you ever want to get together, if you would like some emotional support

Thanks so much for your offer!!!! But I don't want to start crying on people's shoulders in the real world.