Homesick

[Emancipation 2]

I think I figured something out today on the way home from the post office.. a part of Homesickness I didn't count on..

I had a lot of people back in Canada to whom I was a "first call' ... anytime something happened.. I was one of the first people that they called.. I had a big group of close friends, and people that I considered "first calls"..

Since moving here my regular "first calls" no longer call me first.. they call me like after the event/crisis has wrapped up.. I'm a "last call" now.. it was pointed out to me this week by a friend (who I'm in no way blaming) who told me about the death of her child almost a week after the fact. *sigh.. I realized this week very painfully that because I'm no longer in these peoples lives on a daily basis, running into them at the mall, work etc. I no longer am on their speed dial etc.

It make me super sad.

[trailmix 77]

Awww Em, i'm sorry you are sad.

[thetreble 19]

I think I figured something out today on the way home from the post office.. a part of Homesickness I didn't count on..

I had a lot of people back in Canada to whom I was a "first call' ... anytime something happened.. I was one of the first people that they called.. I had a big group of close friends, and people that I considered "first calls"..

Since moving here my regular "first calls" no longer call me first.. they call me like after the event/crisis has wrapped up.. I'm a "last call" now.. it was pointed out to me this week by a friend (who I'm in no way blaming) who told me about the death of her child almost a week after the fact. *sigh.. I realized this week very painfully that because I'm no longer in these peoples lives on a daily basis, running into them at the mall, work etc. I no longer am on their speed dial etc.

It make me super sad.

This made me really sad.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I think I figured something out today on the way home from the post office.. a part of Homesickness I didn't count on..

I had a lot of people back in Canada to whom I was a "first call' ... anytime something happened.. I was one of the first people that they called.. I had a big group of close friends, and people that I considered "first calls"..

Since moving here my regular "first calls" no longer call me first.. they call me like after the event/crisis has wrapped up.. I'm a "last call" now.. it was pointed out to me this week by a friend (who I'm in no way blaming) who told me about the death of her child almost a week after the fact. *sigh.. I realized this week very painfully that because I'm no longer in these peoples lives on a daily basis, running into them at the mall, work etc. I no longer am on their speed dial etc.

It make me super sad.

This made me really sad.

Very true. Slowly, one realizes that "we" (the ones in the US) are not longer first pick for really important things that we used to take for granted.

[Carlawarla 1]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Em. Remember you are the first on the list of us! And your special husband.

[Krikit 1,163]

I hope you are feeling better today, E.

[thetreble 19]

E-

I thought a lot about your comment last night. Thank you for the thought, the inspiration. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I'm a published poet who's writing days seem to be in the past a lot of the time. But your comment made me think about a lot of things. I want to share with you what I got out of it. I will probably fix this a few times before I put it up on the web but this is what I was thinking.

*Untitled*

Last night I was the last call.

I was

number 11 on the list of

people to notify

in the event of

crises,

skinned knees,

car accidents,

and being lowest

on the list

hurt.

I was first

when we lived

next door,

down the block,

and the

conversations were nothing

but background noise to

the constant exchanges

of news, advice, cries for help.

Those

hum-drum

local call years

where being needed

was more

than I ever thought it could be.

And now it doesn't ring

unless 1 through 10

have been exhausted

and I'm a last resort,

last in line,

last to listen.

Broken phone,

broken mouth that's

not even

broken.

[Emancipation 2]

Treble.. you nailed it gal.. that's it exactly.. you are talented gal!

*sigh.. thanks everyone for your listening ears and understanding hearts..

It's just one of those prices that I'm realizing this week that I've paid without intending to. It makes sense.. it's part of the adjustment, there is no one really to blame.. it just seems that the more time goes by the less contact I have with those that were once such a huge part of my day to day life. Coworkers, close friends, people that were once like family to me are becoming acquaintances. Of course I have good, dear friends now here in the US, and a wonderful new extension of my family, but these were the people who knew me BEFORE I was Mrs. H. ya know? They know my past.. my new friends are my future, and they can't ever understand what once was.

Edited June 4, 2009 by Emancipation

[thetreble 19]

It's true. It's a struggle for me as well. My childhood was very special to me and I had so many friends that I'd know most of my life up until I moved. While I see them a few times a year still, or try to, i wish to hell it was more. I wish they called me when something happened to them. Most of the time I find out WAY after it happens!

[Sprailenes 47]

I don't get told when a family member dies, now my mother just emails me. Last week she emailed me to tell me that an uncle had died. Which made me happy I went to our family camping trip last fall because that was the last time I seen him and he was in good spirits so my last memories of him aren't in a hospital or in a casket, they were of him playing his twangy guitar and singing bad country songs.

[JillA 2]

It's so wierd how you posted that last night, E, as I only read it this morning but thought of it last night. I went out with a group of girlfriends for dinner, we've been friends for over 10 years. I really felt like an outsider looking in, I didn't feel like I "belonged" anymore. They were talking about their recent girls trip to Buffalo shopping, inside jokes, etc. That I wasn't a part of. I didn't join in the convo alot of the time, because I had nothing to add. I felt really left out, not on purpose of course but I don't live here anymore... so I don't participate in daily activities and conversations. When you move, you don't want that to happen, you hope it will stay the same, but nothing stays the same... I feel like slowly, you drift apart from those once close to you and it's really sad. It made me feel sad last night when I got home.

[thetreble 19]

It's so wierd how you posted that last night, E, as I only read it this morning but thought of it last night. I went out with a group of girlfriends for dinner, we've been friends for over 10 years. I really felt like an outsider looking in, I didn't feel like I "belonged" anymore. They were talking about their recent girls trip to Buffalo shopping, inside jokes, etc. That I wasn't a part of. I didn't join in the convo alot of the time, because I had nothing to add. I felt really left out, not on purpose of course but I don't live here anymore... so I don't participate in daily activities and conversations. When you move, you don't want that to happen, you hope it will stay the same, but nothing stays the same... I feel like slowly, you drift apart from those once close to you and it's really sad. It made me feel sad last night when I got home.

Huggles.

It's tough. But my first taste of it was when I graduated highschool a year early and went to university straight away. I never went to the prom with my friends because my prom was not their prom. My graduation was not their graduation. I was so miserable at uni for the first 3 months because I heard how much fun they were having...

But then I made new friends, got over it and I started to change as a person. I never thought about it after that.

But when I moved here it happened all over again. It's really hard to wrap your head around it.

[July09Bride 1]

It's so wierd how you posted that last night, E, as I only read it this morning but thought of it last night. I went out with a group of girlfriends for dinner, we've been friends for over 10 years. I really felt like an outsider looking in, I didn't feel like I "belonged" anymore. They were talking about their recent girls trip to Buffalo shopping, inside jokes, etc. That I wasn't a part of. I didn't join in the convo alot of the time, because I had nothing to add. I felt really left out, not on purpose of course but I don't live here anymore... so I don't participate in daily activities and conversations. When you move, you don't want that to happen, you hope it will stay the same, but nothing stays the same... I feel like slowly, you drift apart from those once close to you and it's really sad. It made me feel sad last night when I got home.

Huggles.

It's tough. But my first taste of it was when I graduated highschool a year early and went to university straight away. I never went to the prom with my friends because my prom was not their prom. My graduation was not their graduation. I was so miserable at uni for the first 3 months because I heard how much fun they were having...

But then I made new friends, got over it and I started to change as a person. I never thought about it after that.

But when I moved here it happened all over again. It's really hard to wrap your head around it.

I, too, know what it is like to move across a continent and be without those "closest". My only fortune was that I stayed in the same country. I had a hard enough time with the move from one corner of the US to another... I can only imagine what the differences would be moving across the continent (in any direction) AND changing countries. So much to change yet, we hope/think it all stays the same.

Irony is a #######... for I was thinking yesterday (while sitting the sun and breeze enjoying nice weather at the zoo) what I will be like after I'm married. How much will I change? How much will I think my friends have changed? How much will my friends think I have changed? Will anything ever be the "same" again?

Being homesick and wanting things to always stay the same are such difficult emotions (of sorts) to deal with.

I didn't mean to highjack this conversation in any way... I was reading and it made me think of changes we make as individuals in regards to moves, marital status, etc.

Glad to hear that people are adjusting... constantly. Makes me realize I'm normal with my doubts, fears, and possibilities of change.

[Marilyn. 340]

I know what you mean about being the last one called etc..

a few years back I got an email form my SIL and it said, hi and how's it going etc.. and then she added... "oh by the way your grandma died last Thursday and today is the funeral " she said she hadn't had a chance to tell me sooner or something like that and I think she mentioned that my parents on gone down for the funeral....

I was so mad and angry but I was like well, I can forgive her I guess because it was only a few days and she said she was really busy..

but then a few days later when I talked to my parents they said they had been down there for about 2 weeks before she died (i forgot to mention that my grandma lived in Manitoba and my family lives is BC) my grandma had asked for my mom to go see her.. I guess she knew she was dying... my parents had tried to call me a few times from Manitoba but their calling card wasn't working or something ... they had been puzzled why I hadn't contacted them because they thought my SIL had contacted me...

then I was really upset because I missed out on a chance to say goodbye to my grandma and because my SIL had a friggin two weeks to contact me.. she said she didn't have access to a computer at home.. but I know she had computer access at work and at her grandma's house...

[thetreble 19]

Thats the kind of stuff, Mar, that really hurts....