Things rough for me too!

[sereia 0]

In many ways, he does not reciprocate. I ask, "how was you day? Did you have a hard day?" He answers. But he never asks, "how is your day" to me.

He is the center of his own universe.

UGH its so annoying when people are like that! Unfortunately I've noticed many men are that way. You can ask them a million questions about themselves and they'll answer, but they don't often ask you.

I'm sorry you have to deal with these things. I hope you can get through to him. I think its a great idea to share the expenses with him and open a joint account for bills. Why should you pay for everything?

I can totally relate about the comment regarding everyone else doing things for you in his home country. My husband had everything handed to him as well. His mom cooked, cleaned and ran errands. His sister paid for things and ran errands. If he had an appointment to be made, his mom or sister did it. If he needed a certificate for our visa, they went to get it. *shrug* Glad he's learning to do things on his own though! I hope your husband follows suit.

I also hear what you're saying, Parivar. Husbands should be treated like husbands...MEN. And not children. But some of these men come here (and hey I know some American men are probably that way too) and have no freaking clue how to do anything and wait for their wives to either just do it or show them how 100 times. I've talked to enough people to see that is definitely a pattern that happens. The transition from having to be teacher/mama to partner is a grueling process!

Jenn, as usual I agree with you. Maybe that's why your relationship works out so well? You two lived together in a "real life situation". Most of us only visited their husbands/fiance's and it was always like a vacation even if it was for longer periods of time. I know it definitely would have been better if I had moved to Morocco for a year or more first. (see my new post) and it would probably have helped a LOT of the marriages here if there was a way to have really lived together before applying for a visa.

[morocco4ever 63]

I pretty much laid it out on the table. I told him that when he comes he will see a very different person. I don't know if that helped, but he is much more accepting of my bad moods. Last night he watched me come all unglued on someone on the phone. Luckily he just laughed and helped me to calm down.

Nutty, it sounds like you have made it pretty clear. Your doctor suggests marriage counseling. He refused. Might I suggest that you tell him that you wish he would go, but if not you are going on your own to see if this marriage can be salvaged? After what you have said I believe even more that he is holding things in. You can't force him to tell you what is wrong, and you can't force him to try to see your side. BUT a good marriage takes both people. The consequences of his actions are that he might lose you. Make that clear, and then do what you need to. Counseling can help you, so it would be beneficial, but without his involvement it won't do much for the marriage.

[sereia 0]

BUT a good marriage takes both people. The consequences of his actions are that he might lose you. Make that clear, and then do what you need to. Counseling can help you, so it would be beneficial, but without his involvement it won't do much for the marriage.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I DID NOT SAY that I had come to terms with him. I said I was not TALKING much to him. Today he handed me his paycheck and told me to deposit it and be in charge of the money. This was the same person 2 weeks ago that told me I couldnt have 50 percent and was arguing with me. What is the difference? Between how I have acted 2 weeks ago and today. Um. I am not talking alot to him. My only answers are yes no and what do you need honey. This is apparently how I have been SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN ACTING ALL ALONG AND HE WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MAD AT ME. Can I keep up this STEPFORD WIFE charade? No. Do I want to? No. Will he still leave and go back home. Probably. Will I be strung out about it and drive my car into a tree like I wanted to 3 weeks ago over the baby and him? No. Because I decided he is *&*(())* in the head, I decided I have friends who love me for me and laugh with me and I enjoy them. I decided that my kids are nice and fun to be with and they need my attention more than this *(* hole and I just am tired of arguing with him or looking for his affection, approval or GOD knows what else. Yes , I am still CATASTROPHICALLY DEPRESSED. Yes, I spent 2 days ago on the couch crying non stop. No , I am not ok. Yes, I am still pissed like hell at my family for not being here by my side. I am pissed at him for mistreating me. His mother for babying him. Him for not putting on his big boy pants and being there for me. Yet today when I picked his paycheck up at work when he handed it to me in complete trust without telling me what to do with it, I just looked at him and felt sad for him. He lost his baby, his first born child. He is at a job where he cant even communicate. I am all he has in the USA that he can trust and confide in. He is an ###. But he's my ###. And when he goes home , he will go home with clean clothes and well fed and loved. Everyone around me is NOT GOING TO DICTATE how I mourn or take away my capacity for love. Nutty, you don't have to be high strung. Tell him EXACTLY what you expect. Tell him you feel like he is not there for you. Then you can gauge exactly how big of a pain in the ### he is being and how big of a pain in the ### you are as well. If you act like you are on a peace mission to IRAN dealing with that crazy ### president everytime you talk to him , then dont give him ANY OF THE QUALITIES of dealing with another American, then try to understand what makes him tick, then you can talk to him. Unfortunately, its like you are wearing pumps to a camel ride. They cover your feet but they are uncomfortable as well. Destress, get your hair done and act like an airhead, in other words, cope like the women over there cope. They go shopping , get their hair done, go to a hamam and they DONT MAKE THE MAN THEIR CONFIDANT. hey remember in the koran, it says you are supposed to come to him sexy and lightly perfumed . OH #######.. anyway didnt work for me.. well actually 2 or 3 times it did. But thats another story. You are applying our cultural norms to him.. and you just cant do that. He may be attracted to your intelligence and independence.. but they don't seem to want the make your own decisions part of that independent woman. Find your balance, get some good girlfriends and lay the facts out

From a woman who has negotiated with satan herself

Just kidding.

love you nutty.. HEy I dont know what I am doing either but mine is definitely crazier than yours

[morocco4ever 63]

From a woman who has negotiated with satan herself

Just kidding.

Now that is the Kat that makes me laugh.

Sorry to side track off of your thread Nutty, but I just wanted to commend Kat. I see she is at stage 2. Keep it up Kat, you will find your happiness.

Edited October 16, 2008 by morocco4ever

[Nutty 2]

I DID NOT SAY that I had come to terms with him. I said I was not TALKING much to him. Today he handed me his paycheck and told me to deposit it and be in charge of the money. This was the same person 2 weeks ago that told me I couldnt have 50 percent and was arguing with me. What is the difference? Between how I have acted 2 weeks ago and today. Um. I am not talking alot to him. My only answers are yes no and what do you need honey. This is apparently how I have been SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN ACTING ALL ALONG AND HE WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MAD AT ME. Can I keep up this STEPFORD WIFE charade? No. Do I want to? No. Will he still leave and go back home. Probably. Will I be strung out about it and drive my car into a tree like I wanted to 3 weeks ago over the baby and him? No. Because I decided he is *&*(())* in the head, I decided I have friends who love me for me and laugh with me and I enjoy them. I decided that my kids are nice and fun to be with and they need my attention more than this *(* hole and I just am tired of arguing with him or looking for his affection, approval or GOD knows what else. Yes , I am still CATASTROPHICALLY DEPRESSED. Yes, I spent 2 days ago on the couch crying non stop. No , I am not ok. Yes, I am still pissed like hell at my family for not being here by my side. I am pissed at him for mistreating me. His mother for babying him. Him for not putting on his big boy pants and being there for me. Yet today when I picked his paycheck up at work when he handed it to me in complete trust without telling me what to do with it, I just looked at him and felt sad for him. He lost his baby, his first born child. He is at a job where he cant even communicate. I am all he has in the USA that he can trust and confide in. He is an ###. But he's my ###. And when he goes home , he will go home with clean clothes and well fed and loved. Everyone around me is NOT GOING TO DICTATE how I mourn or take away my capacity for love. Nutty, you don't have to be high strung. Tell him EXACTLY what you expect. Tell him you feel like he is not there for you. Then you can gauge exactly how big of a pain in the ### he is being and how big of a pain in the ### you are as well. If you act like you are on a peace mission to IRAN dealing with that crazy ### president everytime you talk to him , then dont give him ANY OF THE QUALITIES of dealing with another American, then try to understand what makes him tick, then you can talk to him. Unfortunately, its like you are wearing pumps to a camel ride. They cover your feet but they are uncomfortable as well. Destress, get your hair done and act like an airhead, in other words, cope like the women over there cope. They go shopping , get their hair done, go to a hamam and they DONT MAKE THE MAN THEIR CONFIDANT. hey remember in the koran, it says you are supposed to come to him sexy and lightly perfumed . OH #######.. anyway didnt work for me.. well actually 2 or 3 times it did. But thats another story. You are applying our cultural norms to him.. and you just cant do that. He may be attracted to your intelligence and independence.. but they don't seem to want the make your own decisions part of that independent woman. Find your balance, get some good girlfriends and lay the facts out

From a woman who has negotiated with satan herself

Just kidding.

love you nutty.. HEy I dont know what I am doing either but mine is definitely crazier than yours

Dear Kat:

Sometimes I am not good with words...But what I meant to say is that I am happy you are figuring out how to deal with your husband and gaining your strength.

I tried a couple of times and "calmly talked" about my needs...I don't think it sunk in with him. But anyway, I am stronger than most realize and if I don't like my situations, I change them. Sometimes it comes down to figuring out the scales (what you gain and what you lose by the choices you make) and deciding which is the loss you can accept.

Please take care, Kat.

Hugs,

Tina

[Nutty 2]

I pretty much laid it out on the table. I told him that when he comes he will see a very different person. I don't know if that helped, but he is much more accepting of my bad moods. Last night he watched me come all unglued on someone on the phone. Luckily he just laughed and helped me to calm down.

Nutty, it sounds like you have made it pretty clear. Your doctor suggests marriage counseling. He refused. Might I suggest that you tell him that you wish he would go, but if not you are going on your own to see if this marriage can be salvaged? After what you have said I believe even more that he is holding things in. You can't force him to tell you what is wrong, and you can't force him to try to see your side. BUT a good marriage takes both people. The consequences of his actions are that he might lose you. Make that clear, and then do what you need to. Counseling can help you, so it would be beneficial, but without his involvement it won't do much for the marriage.

It was good you told your husband he'd see a "different person" here in the US. How your husband is different is he saw your "mood" and "broke the ice" by laughing (which I am sure helped you). My husband would do nothing.

[Nutty 2]

I thought I would add my two cents, I have the feeling maybe it is his personality. Was he different, and then changed? Some men just don’t display emotions, period, not that it is a good thing, and just how they are wired and raised. Not asking you what happened at work is truly a little strange, not sure on that one. Have you thought of seeing someone, both of you together, sometimes that can clear things up a little? I understand the stress you feel, I was thinking today I am going to list all the bad things that happen to me daily,and had to stop myself before it got out of hand. I am glad he got a job, does he enjoy it? I wish you the best, and only you know what you can or can’t handle. Let us know how it goes, you don’t have to do this alone, you have friends here that you can vent to, use us.

I am happy he got a job. Under my breath I say, "Thank you God for letting hubby find a job in this economy!!!"

It does relieve the burden. Not financially (yet) since he just started. But if I want to leave this marriage, he is self supportive at this point.

As for, "is he enjoying it????" I ask questions and his answers are so generic it is impossible to know.

If I ask him, "how are you feeling?" He responds, "Normal." (Not happy, not sad) He uses that a lot. But what is "normal" for one person is "not normal" for another.

What is normal???

[Nutty 2]

Valid point for all of us to consider: Visiting them in their home countries is not a realistic experience compared to here. Sure, you will learn some thing about your spouse. But the dynamics are so totally different here. I lived for 3 months in Iran and still we are finding living here totally is a totally different situation.

Sorry about your situation, Nutty. I don't really have any good advice for you, but I think so often this is a big part of the problem (from what I've read on VJ at least). I think it's so crucial to see how one's SO handles "real life" and consider how the dynamic may change when the relationship goes from an LDR where time spent together is in more of a vacation-like atmosphere to post-marriage when spending time together in a more realistic situation. I don't know if this applies to your situation or not, and moreover, it's too late now anyway.

Again, hope everything works out.

[SaadBell 0]

He is the center of his own universe.

Sounds like my ex-husband, men can be a pain, I am with you, what the hell is NORMAL? Now what I did with my ex-husband, I was always tell him the new book I was reading, and it was always about some person killing their spouse, I think the effective ones where the women takes her husband out. It always put him a little on edge, I can be so mean. You should read something about a women who killed her husband, and than just ask him simple questions, example, honey you should read this book about Katherine Knight, I bet her old man didn't even see it coming, but what did you think about that part of the book where she serves him for dinner to his children, did you think that was over the top. Let him think about that one a little. Ok sorry not trying to be evil, but hell give it a shot, make him wonder. Last time my husband saw me I had the serial killer bible with me, and was enjoying it a lot and of course I had to share.

[Jenn! 918]

Jenn, as usual I agree with you. Maybe that's why your relationship works out so well? You two lived together in a "real life situation". Most of us only visited their husbands/fiance's and it was always like a vacation even if it was for longer periods of time. I know it definitely would have been better if I had moved to Morocco for a year or more first. (see my new post) and it would probably have helped a LOT of the marriages here if there was a way to have really lived together before applying for a visa.

Well, we have our moments too! But for me what was important was that we both knew what we were getting into. No surprises. I know that living together (or even living in the same town) before deciding to take the plunge is not an option for a lot of VJers. I'm sure that most couples make the transition just fine, but it is a risk. On the flip side, I don't mean to suggest that there are any guarantees, but at least you're not left saying, "If I had only known that he ______".

Valid point for all of us to consider: Visiting them in their home countries is not a realistic experience compared to here. Sure, you will learn some thing about your spouse. But the dynamics are so totally different here. I lived for 3 months in Iran and still we are finding living here totally is a totally different situation.

Yeah, having to deal with responsibilities, stress, etc. really can change a person. Ideally we could all see our SOs at their worst before marriage.

[Nutty 2]

He is the center of his own universe.

Sounds like my ex-husband, men can be a pain, I am with you, what the hell is NORMAL? Now what I did with my ex-husband, I was always tell him the new book I was reading, and it was always about some person killing their spouse, I think the effective ones where the women takes her husband out. It always put him a little on edge, I can be so mean. You should read something about a women who killed her husband, and than just ask him simple questions, example, honey you should read this book about Katherine Knight, I bet her old man didn't even see it coming, but what did you think about that part of the book where she serves him for dinner to his children, did you think that was over the top. Let him think about that one a little. Ok sorry not trying to be evil, but hell give it a shot, make him wonder. Last time my husband saw me I had the serial killer bible with me, and was enjoying it a lot and of course I had to share.

My husband already questions my taste in entertainment!!!! I watch scary movies (Alien, Aliens, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, etc, etc) sometimes and he thinks it is "negative for the mind" as he puts it. My husband has so many esoteric attitudes, sometimes I just can not relate.

[bhajishah 4]

Well throw the koran @ him Ie wife is for husband and husband is for wife...You are not his servant slave..you are suppose to be his companion..and he yours..tell him to straighten up and do the right things.. quit his quiet whining.. thatgs what he is doing.. silently sulking . BS prayers for you..tell him he living in America.. nobody likes azzholes here esp wives who live with them

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i know of one marriage, he came here, problems happened etc i wont go into but it almost ended, she had (i believe) his brother give him a talking to or another man.....dont know what was said but apparently it made a new person out of him and things are better now...is that a option and i believe this was about in the first six months of adjustments

[bhajishah 4]

good point bridenogirl....more than culture it could be his annoying personality quirks and his brothers and cousins know him well help kick some butt and straighten him up.. family does come in handy only uses sparingly though..2 times a yr this would be a good time or you to use this option.. If they not on the understanding bandwagon then let them have thier wayward black sheep backk