How do you enjoy your hubby while you're stressing about everything else you're doing?

[caybee 21]

I know what it's like to miss your husband/SO, but the things that babyeshell is talking about are also in some ways just as stressful, if not more so about certain things (Did that make any sense? I'm losing it lol )

The waiting is sooo hard and of course you do feel blessed when you get them here.. But it's not a bed or roses and there are lots of obstacles to overcome! But I just feel the best way is like we said before, baby steps and one thing at a time.... And remembering, noting on what Sandrila said, there was a time not that long ago when all you could think about was how you missed him and getting him here, so don't let life fly by and forget to cherish every moment that you have together!

i cant imagine anything more stressful than the time spent waiting for our SO to be approved and get into our arms

you are blessed that god has let you live in front of one another

I guess I can explain what is going on in my head... briefly:

So I became a Muslim in April of 2007 just so you know.....

Am I doing the right thing?

Did I get into all of this too fast? (ie: the religion, marriage etc)

How am I going to support us?

Can he REALLY help support me?

How can I make him happy?

Why am I making myself miserable?

Why can't I just be happy?

Why am I crying about everything?

Am I pregnant? Cause if so... OMG.

What do I do if I am pregnant?

Will I ever be the same with my family again?

Am I losing myself?

Do I even know myself?

Who am I?

Can I still go to school, work and drop him off/ pick him up from work?

Will I be able to finish school?

Why can't I just breathe?

Why can't I accept everything and just focus and be happy?

Am I happy?

Now I know people go through situations much worse than mine. For ME, this is not fun. It's beyond frustrating. I have cried almost everyday since Tarik got to this country. I think it's because of all the $&%@ we have to go through before we can just relax. It seems like everything is moving so fast! Not just the job search... but everything! Right now I feel like if I put on the breaks I'm going to get into a bad roll over accident or something you know?

Wow. I don't know.

Btw... how long after your last intercourse before you know if you're pregnant or not?

Writing out your questions like that is such a great exercise! Just seeing my worries in print sometimes does a lot to lessen them. There are a few logistical ones in there (transportation, for example). Maybe you could write that out in more detail; pencil in a possible schedule, including sleep. Making diagrams or charts sometimes helps me with logistical worries.

If you think you could be pregnant, that certainly is going to dig up a whole lot of what-ifs in your mind that might not otherwise be there, and that's so normal, if it's any consolation. As for your practical question, if you have a pretty regular cycle, easiest thing is to test on the first day of your missed period or after, although it can be difficult to wait that long. Tests from the Dollar Store work fine if the money's tight. You could be pregnant if you had intercourse within a couple of days before ovulation, or on the day you ovulated (often around day 14 of a regular 28-day cycle), but you'd still need to wait a couple of weeks after that for hormone levels to rise enough to be pretty sure of an accurate test.

Edited August 27, 2008 by caybee

[Tunisia216 2]

:thumbs:

ITA!

It's very hard to distinguish the line between being a supportive wife and being totally codependent. What I mean by that is that when he's having a rough time about his family, it's good for you to listen to him and comfort him, but you also have to let a lot of the emotion go, since it's not yours, you know? I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

My husband is a little down in the dumps the past few days and I think it's because he misses his sisters since Ramadan is coming up. He says he'd rather be here with me but I know he's hurting. Now.....I can totally dive deep into him and feel his pain 24/7 and cry with him and become sooo distraught that I won't take care of the house, me or the kiddos *or* I can understand where he's coming from, let the sadness inside me go 'cause it's not mine, it's his, and just try to make his life as comfy as possible while he goes through this.

He has a God and it's not you, i think is what I'm trying to say. If you let yourself get deeply emotional about his stuff you'll be dragged down with it and will be unable to focus at the task at hand, whether it be cooking dinner, etc.

Great points. I can't find an illustration I like. It's two drawings of a stick figure standing down in a pit. In one frame, a second person is reaching down into the pit to help the first one climb out. In the other, the second person is so empathetic that they have climbed down into the pit with the first person, so they both end up stuck. Sometimes people don't feel like they're helping unless they're sharing the emotions of the hurting person, but doing so can make them less effective helpers.

[Nothing1234 2]

LOVE YOUR SIGGY

:thumbs:

ITA!

It's very hard to distinguish the line between being a supportive wife and being totally codependent. What I mean by that is that when he's having a rough time about his family, it's good for you to listen to him and comfort him, but you also have to let a lot of the emotion go, since it's not yours, you know? I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

My husband is a little down in the dumps the past few days and I think it's because he misses his sisters since Ramadan is coming up. He says he'd rather be here with me but I know he's hurting. Now.....I can totally dive deep into him and feel his pain 24/7 and cry with him and become sooo distraught that I won't take care of the house, me or the kiddos *or* I can understand where he's coming from, let the sadness inside me go 'cause it's not mine, it's his, and just try to make his life as comfy as possible while he goes through this.

He has a God and it's not you, i think is what I'm trying to say. If you let yourself get deeply emotional about his stuff you'll be dragged down with it and will be unable to focus at the task at hand, whether it be cooking dinner, etc.

Great points. I can't find an illustration I like. It's two drawings of a stick figure standing down in a pit. In one frame, a second person is reaching down into the pit to help the first one climb out. In the other, the second person is so empathetic that they have climbed down into the pit with the first person, so they both end up stuck. Sometimes people don't feel like they're helping unless they're sharing the emotions of the hurting person, but doing so can make them less effective helpers.

[Tunisia216 2]

Do you? I thought you might

LOVE YOUR SIGGY

[Staashi 371]

Baby, Baby, Baby...I think you need to chill out. You two are on such a crazy path right now that if you don't take a moment to breathe it out, you will make yourselves sick. Give yourselves time to learn about each other, get to truly know each other's likes and dislikes, enjoy some quiet time with one another. This is a very, very difficult time and you need to have some peace. You can do this. Honestly, it is not impossible.

Aside from all the stress stuff, you can take a pregnancy test within the first few days of a missed period. If you're not pregnant, get yourself on a really reliable birth control...the pill, condoms, IUD - whatever...give yourself a chance to get to know each other (it's been 2.5 weeks). Wait a while, if you can, before you get pregnant - a baby at this stage will only make you guys more crazy.

Good luck!

[Staashi 371]

Also, in regards to the pregnancy issue, I don't know if you haven't been using any birth control because of being Muslim or what not...don't know if it's a religious thing or a "got caught up in being a newlywed" thing - pardon my ignorance on BC in Muslim religion. I'm Catholic and we're not allowed to use anything but Natural Family Planning - although I cheat on this aspect. If you can't use BC, you should be able to practice this...it will give you a way to track your most fertile days so that you and your husband can plan your future...just a little bit. That is if you don't want to get pregnant just yet, but if you do - keep on trucking and other things that rhyme with "trucking". I know that might be crass but I just had to say it. hehe

Edited August 27, 2008 by Staashi

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Baby, Baby, Baby...I think you need to chill out. You two are on such a crazy path right now that if you don't take a moment to breathe it out, you will make yourselves sick. Give yourselves time to learn about each other, get to truly know each other's likes and dislikes, enjoy some quiet time with one another. This is a very, very difficult time and you need to have some peace. You can do this. Honestly, it is not impossible.

Aside from all the stress stuff, you can take a pregnancy test within the first few days of a missed period. If you're not pregnant, get yourself on a really reliable birth control...the pill, condoms, IUD - whatever...give yourself a chance to get to know each other (it's been 2.5 weeks). Wait a while, if you can, before you get pregnant - a baby at this stage will only make you guys more crazy.

Good luck!

I second that.. give yourself a little time to adjust before being pregnant. Case in point, I have had to do all this stuff to get him acclimated here and HE CAME WITH A CR1 but it was still alot of running.. Dont get pregnant the first few months. The adjustment is HARD ENOUGH

take it from me. I am 9 months pregnant with a husband still not working but at least trying now

[nunyab 0]

Where did i read "ifs" are of Shayton????? Anyway, don't worry about the if's as much as what you can control now. SIL??? w/e let it go she's being what she wants from a distance and i have to say maybe for now a distance is what you two need.

As my husband says...Breath, Breeeeaaatthhhhhh.... I am the same way though..so i feel your pain

[doodlebugg 10]

[doodlebugg 10]

Where did i read "ifs" are of Shayton????? Anyway, don't worry about the if's as much as what you can control now. SIL??? w/e let it go she's being what she wants from a distance and i have to say maybe for now a distance is what you two need.

As my husband says...Breath, Breeeeaaatthhhhhh.... I am the same way though..so i feel your pain

Whoops...I forgot to mention that this is so important for me to remember each day...not to "if" myself to death because it means I'm not putting my trust and faith in God.

[merijan 0]

I know what it's like to miss your husband/SO, but the things that babyeshell is talking about are also in some ways just as stressful, if not more so about certain things (Did that make any sense? I'm losing it lol )

The waiting is sooo hard and of course you do feel blessed when you get them here.. But it's not a bed or roses and there are lots of obstacles to overcome! But I just feel the best way is like we said before, baby steps and one thing at a time.... And remembering, noting on what Sandrila said, there was a time not that long ago when all you could think about was how you missed him and getting him here, so don't let life fly by and forget to cherish every moment that you have together!

i cant imagine anything more stressful than the time spent waiting for our SO to be approved and get into our arms

you are blessed that god has let you live in front of one another

I guess I can explain what is going on in my head... briefly:

So I became a Muslim in April of 2007 just so you know.....

Am I doing the right thing?

Did I get into all of this too fast? (ie: the religion, marriage etc)

How am I going to support us?

Can he REALLY help support me?

How can I make him happy?

Why am I making myself miserable?

Why can't I just be happy?

Why am I crying about everything?

Am I pregnant? Cause if so... OMG.

What do I do if I am pregnant?

Will I ever be the same with my family again?

Am I losing myself?

Do I even know myself?

Who am I?

Can I still go to school, work and drop him off/ pick him up from work?

Will I be able to finish school?

Why can't I just breathe?

Why can't I accept everything and just focus and be happy?

Am I happy?

Now I know people go through situations much worse than mine. For ME, this is not fun. It's beyond frustrating. I have cried almost everyday since Tarik got to this country. I think it's because of all the {}amp;%@ we have to go through before we can just relax. It seems like everything is moving so fast! Not just the job search... but everything! Right now I feel like if I put on the breaks I'm going to get into a bad roll over accident or something you know?

Wow. I don't know.

Btw... how long after your last intercourse before you know if you're pregnant or not?

I think you are overwhelming yourself with alot of things all at once. The adjustment is not as easy as we think, also the first year of marriage and living together is the hardest. If I tell you all the stresses we are faceing right now maybe you would feel you have no stresses. However when I remember the feeling of just wanting him to be here no matter what I remember how great is that love, and how much it took to get him here and then I realize how I appreciate our relationship more because of the struggle to have him here.

I have three kids, so you can imagine what an adjustment he has had to make. And its been rough, yet its also been wonderfull and it just takes time to let everything fall into place.

And when your frustrated just remember when he was not here and you wished he was and what would you do if he was. Remember all the times you probably talked about what you would do if he were here? Like watch a certain movie together, or go out at night for coffee, or whatever it is. Just do those little things you wanted to do when he was not there.

One day at a time.

[Aymsgirl 0]

Try and relax and think about only what needs to be taken care of now. NOT EVERYTHING! It's one step at a time and he has only been here a few weeks. Eventually things will start becoming easier and you will see through clearer eyes.

[AlHayatZween 2]

Wow... those are all good questions Babyeshell!

if it's any consolation, i was a complete monster when my hubbie first arrived. now it's been a few weeks and i am still stressing out, but we have kinda fallen into a routine... so i'm not as emotional as before. it is A LOT of changes in just a few short weeks... and a lot of emotion over the last year.

hang in there and just rest assured that you are doing your best and that's all you can do. also, like someone else wrote, take time for yourselves... that means no family, no cell phones, just you two, doing something fun/relaxing!

regarding pregnancy:

maybe just wait until your period is supposed to arrive. if you are a day or two late, take an over-the-counter test or see a doctor if you are really worried.

good luck!

hz

[Nutty 2]

I think you, me, Alhayatszween, Wahrania, are all good examples of how just because our spouses arrived, the stress doesn't stop.

Before, our life is on hold, after it takes big adjustments on both sides.....and unlike over there in our spouses home country who have extended family members to help out, we are the sole person to be relied apon here.

That's a lot of pressure.

So, tell your sweetie, to relax and you too.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I think you, me, Alhayatszween, Wahrania, are all good examples of how just because our spouses arrived, the stress doesn't stop.

Before, our life is on hold, after it takes big adjustments on both sides.....and unlike over there in our spouses home country who have extended family members to help out, we are the sole person to be relied apon here.

That's a lot of pressure.

So, tell your sweetie, to relax and you too.

I think it has alot to do with the expectations of the person coming here. My husband was extremely spoiled by his mom pretty much getting hand over fist , anything he wanted. He got here and she sent him money and then he wanted to maintain his high standard of living when the money stopped and refused to work. Its only been one month that he has been agreeable to eating whats in the house or working, always telling me his mom will send money and then laying around. He has just started to realise that the flow from her will stop and she wants him to get a job. I think hes in shock she s not sending money either.But now the economy is so bad and I wasted the productive part of my pregnancy when I could have been alot of help to him getting my things broken and yelled at. Now hes knocked alot of that off but My trust hasnt returned and my money is drained and I am tired and about a week and a half from the baby coming. I am plum tired and burned out from all of this.

Word to the wise. Be very sure you can afford supporting both of you before you bring someone over. Even in the best of circumstances, it can be a very long time still they start working and you have to be finanically ready plus ready them as well. We are getting along alot better now. Thanks to the MENA people, I have baby things so thats not a stressor. Some how Ill get through this but he has been a super drain on me emotionally , physically and financially. This has been super super hard