Everything was fine and then he went back for a visit...

[Sprailenes 47]

My son is 9 years old and up until this summer he was fine with everything here. In fact, I was surprised at how fast and easily he adapted to the situation of moving to a new country. Sure we had our bumps, but I kept him out of the loop on those and pretended everything was okay most, if not all of the time.

So this past summer I didn't think anything of it when I sent him off to Canada for a month long visit with my mother. Why not? It would be a fun vacation, and what child doesn't love going to grandmas for a holiday.

Well this past weekend I went up to get him, and he came back completely depressed. It is not just sadness, its outright bawling and begging me to let him go back. I felt awful and guilty and all he wants to do is move back home. He wants things to go back to the way they were and he no longer has any interest in staying here right now.

My mother, a psychologist, said to give it a week and if he is still depressed then we will have to do something.

Do something? Like what?

I am not going to send him back to Canada and stay here, on the other hand I am not going to just drop my life because he doesn't want to stay. Many kids move, many kids adapt, he'll have to learn. But the feeling of guilt I have is insane, and I feel terrible.

I don't know what to do, or how to deal with this situation.

I expected these feelings to occur when we left last year, not a year later. I can't help but feel a little angry with my mother for telling him he can come back home if he wants to as well. That isn't helping the situation at all.

[Krikit 1,163]

Oh #######. Your mother shouldn't tell him he can come back there. She should know better. She needs to set him straight.... or at least define that he's just welcome for a visit but not to live. If he hasn't settled down within the next week or two, get her to tell him he can't live with her so he doesn't think he has an out.

[Carlawarla 1]

I agree with Krikit...your Mother has to tell him she meant for visits. Maybe he needs to see her more often, especially if they were close before he left. I feel for you Sprailines. I'm sure your heart breaks when he's crying....and the guilt. UGH! You did the right thing by letting him go...don't go guilting yourself on that front. Maybe making sure he's spending lots of time with you and your husband and reassuring him how much you both love him and how much you want him to live with you guys...

Please don't look at any other options. Nine year olds need to be with their Mom's, and Dad's...and I believe he shouldn't get a say in the matter. That's just my opinion of course. If he was older I might think differently.

Big hugs for you...this is going to be rough. We're here for you though!

[Jenn! 918]

Any chance this has something to do with the start of the school year around the corner?

Hope this is just a phase that he passes through quickly. Good luck!

[raymaga 25]

I remember when I was a child, I spent summers with cousins that lived on a farm. Every single year, when I came back home after my visit, I was terribly depressed.

Children make "attachments" very easily when they are young, and I guess I got very "attached" to my aunt, uncle and cousins during my visit. I would cry for days after getting back home, even though I absolutely loved my Mom and Dad and siblings. Within a few days, I was back to my old self.

Just give him some time to get back into a routine at "home" with you and I'm sure he'll be fine.

[Sprailenes 47]

Oh no don't worry I would NEVER look at any other options, that boy is like my sidekick and whether he likes it or not, he's stuck with me for the long haul.

My mom just feels that I can just come back home, just leave everything down here and go back, find a place for Mike and I and tra la la happy endings. I can't explain any of it to her because she can't comprehend. But her incomprehension is now influencing my son. I am married now. We have our own place, we're just beginning our lives together and all she can think about is herself. I expect the selfishness from my 9 year old, because kids are selfish but my mother? Come on.

I don't know what to say to my son, I am going to have to sit with him and have a really good talk about life and where we are. I just don't know how to go about it without upsetting him completely. Ahh well things can't be easy all of the time.

Life is like that....things are going so well and then it pours on your parade. Sucks.

[Krikit 1,163]

Yep. Parenting is an uphill battle, that's for sure. Kinda like that cat-pushing-a-watermelon (that I just don't get).

Sitting him down for a chat is a really good idea. Kids like that. And I'm all for reality-checks when it comes to kids. Gives them no illusions about the future and prepares them for the hard times which will surely come their way.

[Sprailenes 47]

Ya school is around the corner, he came back to a new place, and sure he misses grandmas. His reasons were hilarious too:

"She'd take me to tims every day! Dunkin Donuts doesn't have gourmet cookies!!"

"The blue jays are my favorite baseball team" he said this while wearing a Phillies shirt btw.

His relationship with her is a typical grandma/grandchild relationship, spoiled with little to no borders, late bedtimes and movies and dinner outings every friday and he can go out and play with his friends until sunset.

Then he comes back to what must feel like a dictatorship. A decent bedtime, I don't say yes to everything, and dinner outings happen once a month, not once a week and he is more supervised when he plays outside because it's not small town Canada.

Edited August 19, 2008 by Sprailenes

[Emancipation 2]

His relationship with her is a typical grandma/grandchild relationship, spoiled with little to no borders, late bedtimes and movies and dinner outings every friday and he can go out and play with his friends until sunset.

Then he comes back to what must feel like a dictatorship. A decent bedtime, I don't say yes to everything, and dinner outings happen once a month, not once a week and he is more supervised when he plays outside because it's not small town Canada.

AHHHHHHH the whole "back to routine" thing.. (listen to me acting like i know ANYTHING about parenting)..

but he probably is missing the lax days of summer time.. reality it sounds, is hitting him like a brick wall.. You won't be the enemy for long.. boundaries speak volumes about a parents love for their child.. He'll thank ya later for it

[Krikit 1,163]

Ya school is around the corner, he came back to a new place, and sure he misses grandmas. His reasons were hilarious too:

"She'd take me to tims every day! Dunkin Donuts doesn't have gourmet cookies!!"

"The blue jays are my favorite baseball team" he said this while wearing a Phillies shirt btw.

His relationship with her is a typical grandma/grandchild relationship, spoiled with little to no borders, late bedtimes and movies and dinner outings every friday and he can go out and play with his friends until sunset.

Then he comes back to what must feel like a dictatorship. A decent bedtime, I don't say yes to everything, and dinner outings happen once a month, not once a week and he is more supervised when he plays outside because it's not small town Canada.

That's hilarious!

But seriously. Nip it in the bud immediately. My Mom played that game with my daughter. It caused no end of trouble until, finally, she got her wish and my daughter ran away from home and moved in with her. I didn't speak to my Mom for months. Then one day I got a call. She was having trouble with #1 perfect grandchild she had spoiled to death.... could I please come and speak with her because I'm the only one she'll listen to. Yeah. Good times.

[Sprailenes 47]

I mean yesterday while he was literally on the floor bawling and taking a fit I thought it was the end of it. I thought "this isn't worth it, what have I done!?" and I honestly did for a few hours think about going back home with him.

I'd leave the room go into my room and cry, come back, ask him to calm down, try to take him out, try to play a game of monopoly, anything to get his mind off of it.

But then I just decided the best way to deal with it was to just let him ride it out and let him be upset. The sooner thats over the sooner I could just move on. But then he went and called my mom, and came marching into the living room like a politician and campaigned to move back home. He had it all figured out. We could just pack up a Uhaul and leave this weekend, get back in time for school and live next door to grandma.

Yea its that simple! Really!

[Sprailenes 47]

Ya school is around the corner, he came back to a new place, and sure he misses grandmas. His reasons were hilarious too:

"She'd take me to tims every day! Dunkin Donuts doesn't have gourmet cookies!!"

"The blue jays are my favorite baseball team" he said this while wearing a Phillies shirt btw.

His relationship with her is a typical grandma/grandchild relationship, spoiled with little to no borders, late bedtimes and movies and dinner outings every friday and he can go out and play with his friends until sunset.

Then he comes back to what must feel like a dictatorship. A decent bedtime, I don't say yes to everything, and dinner outings happen once a month, not once a week and he is more supervised when he plays outside because it's not small town Canada.

That's hilarious!

But seriously. Nip it in the bud immediately. My Mom played that game with my daughter. It caused no end of trouble until, finally, she got her wish and my daughter ran away from home and moved in with her. I didn't speak to my Mom for months. Then one day I got a call. She was having trouble with #1 perfect grandchild she had spoiled to death.... could I please come and speak with her because I'm the only one she'll listen to. Yeah. Good times.

Sounds like a situation that could play out in my future.

Why do I get the crazies? I get the crazy mom and the crazy inlaws!

Maybe because I'm a bit crazy too.

[Flames9_RN 358]

Time to let the paddle do the talking,lol Pretty sure in my Psyc books, spanking is the best method. hmmmm maybe I read that incorrectly. Best go reread that section,lol Hope it tuyrns for the best, a good talk goes a long way--then the paddle

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea no spanking

I'll just talk. All I can do is hope he'll listen, but that means I'll have to have a talk with my mother too, and that never goes over well.

I mean we're going back in September for my family reunion, and then for Christmas, I mean I am trying to make as many visits as possible, but its hard. They don't understand.

[thetreble 19]

Ahhh my buddy N, the #### we have to go through in life eh?

Grandma should not be telling him that, as others have said. Damn those grandmas and grandpas! My father in law has a step grand-child, lily, who is 2 years old, and is the cutest thing I have ever seen. When mum and dad aren't looking, he lets her eat all the sweets she wants and then after my father in law leaves, Lily has a sore tummy and often throws up! They sure know how to make children think the world is fully of licorice trees and sugar plums.

You know what I think!! You have just gotten married and you are the mum, no matter how you feel for him and how upset he is. It must be horrible to have him so upset but even as an adult I still feel like ####### when I first come back from Canada and am already missing my friends and family. We all know how that feels. Poor little guy who loves the terrible Blue Jays in a Phillies jersey. haha

I hope you feel better soon, love.