Halt!

[maggie_may 0]

Last year i met a man online. We chatted, talked on the phone, e-mailed, maintaining constant contact with one another. About two months after we met, he offered to fly me to meet him. At the time i declined because of my child, my job (nurse), and honestly because I didnt know him from Adam.

Fast forward to may 2008, after much thought, and prayer, i decided to take a chance. Mind you I have never been on an airplane, so i was more nervous being on the flight than actually meeting this man. it turned out to be a lovely trip; i needed the vacation.

What everyone else has posted is completely true. There are vast income differences. What stands out to me though is that he had the money to fly you to see him and yet he didn't have the money to pay for the immigration process - which is cheaper than the plane ticket. And your SO doesn't sound like the typical poor villager as he is currently in London. As you have mentioned, I don't know your complete story but if something seems fishy to you don't ignore it.

I must say for my personal story I did pay for the entire immigration process. I may not have paid for every meal and every bus ticket, but I did pay for everything else. Paying for the process doesn't necesarily mean that you are being taken advantage of. It can however be a red flag if it doesn't feel right to you. Also, in my case I lived in the same village and saw my SO every day for two years. He never saw a computer until the end of those two years. I knew first hand where he was coming from and knew enough people in the village who did not like him to get all the dirt on him - before our relationship actually started. Gotta love village gossip. The girl I lived with was the gossip queen but that is another story.

Meeting someone and maintaining a relationship online takes a much larger leap of faith. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable make sure you get that cleared up before you take any further steps.

I pray that everything works out for the best for both you and your SO.

Thanks Hon,

Clarification: I paid for my trip to London.

Dear Lovin_famo,

Please send me a PM. We can communicate privately on this issue if you would like to. I am also dating a Nigerian man who lives in London. I think we could share some valuable information.

But not in such a public "forum.".

Maggie_May

[oneheart 0]

Reading your post, one can readily conclude that you are in love but confused not knowing whether to listen to your head or your heart. You must know that love is a risky thing and if you must make the best out of it, you must pursue it smartly with open heart. Deep in your heart, you mean real business of having a man like him in your life, but don't let your fears becloud your thinking of your sponsoring a possible trip for "one night stand". If indeed you do not have the resources, then you can call him and talk with him, in a good tone, how best it would work if his journey to US can be achieved in a well planned manner. After all, he is not coming as a tourist but a life partner to make two become one.

This is about two people not one. yes, i am sure that this is a good man, sure he would be a great father and husband, but when the smoke clears and as I am coming down from my, " oh , he is wonderful, the best" high, i must face reality my reality. That reality is he is really no different from any other man, just from a different part of the world, that alone does not exempt him from pain and struggle.

Do you really need a man? One suspects the memory of past relationship is controlling your present living. Come off it, who says your man can't be the best man there is? You must be positive, unless you are not too sure of the situation in which you both got linked up as people are not whom they profess to be nowadays. Candidly, money is meant for solving problems and bringing happiness and should not be a problem if its there. Imagine him holding you on those cold nights, he being behind the wheels while you elegantly chill on the front seat, him writing that check for rent and picking up groceries for the family. Getting him over will be a good investment the value of which only time can tell.

I will close by telling you my spouse did not have it either, and had far much responsibility than you (from your brief background) but she showed that i am first before every other thing so me hers. We believed in the power of our love, we prayed, we saved, we were positive, now we made it and share our lives together. No regrets but gladness ever since i came here. She was scared of flying, but our love overcame that, and you have overcome that too. But if your head outweighs you heart then do not waste time or resources, just move on. Love is a chance, take it or leave it.

[kk_mine 0]

Before I post anything I want to make it clear that Im saying this about my suituation. In other words this is how I feel. Just telling you our story... & then my reply to you...

I am taking care of all the cost in my relationship. My mom always says don't take a man's pride away. So in my relationship I don't make him feel bad that I'm doing everything. It is overwhelming at times as I have a second job now and I work really hard!

I thought he was going to be able to help at first. But my childhood friend that introduced us ex what things were like in his country. Her husband is from the same area but when they married he was in Italy. There are times my fiance will not get paid for work he does. We talk about finances etc. Like he said his rent is less then $60.00. I was like WOW! I said to myself if I was there I would be rich. lol When he knew how much I pay for the townhouse he was shocked!

The most that he could do was pay for our rings (I have not seen them, my choice). But he paid a lil at a time. I like Silver better then gold so he had to get them made. This was great in a way as it cost a lot less for him to buy (being silver). He always tells me that he feels bad as he is the man and in his country he would be responsible to take care of everything. But I told him we are in this together and I am not going to look at who is doing what. I have ex to him that I will def need all the encouragement I can get. So he does lil things in his own small way. Like: he calls me everyday & he texts. But I know this costs him a lot. Compared to when I call and we talk for hours he can only talk to me for a few minutes each day. Unless he can afford to call me from a pay phone it may give us 30min. He always thanks me and shows his appreciation and concern for me.

He prays for both of us. When I call, before we end the call he will pray for us and at times we will read from the Bible. Even when we text we may include a scripture to give each other a lil boost to keep going and know that soon we will be together! In other words as (Im missin him and I can go on and on lol) he does what he can in his own lil way & that means the world to me!

He tells me and my mom that he will not have me working as hard as I do when he gets here. His parents understand that I'm working hard as well to get to him. His siblings etc.. we all know that he does not have the money to help me. But I'm ok with that. I know he lives in a very poor country. He has to get water in a bucket to wash up. He does not have a car. At times he has to walk or be out in the rain and he gets sick. Our six month anniversary just came up and it was so hard being without him!!

He ex that he wishes he could bring me over... As I tell him my love for him is SO STRONG! I will do whatever it takes to be with him!!! We have a long journey ahead and he and I have said we are willing to travel it together (no matter what may come). He is a wonderful gift to me! I do know that if he had it he would help me!

Now however: If you have reservations you are doing right by thinking things out first. I know my fiance can't assist me with airfare, wedding arrngmnts etc.. So for him to bring you over and ( I assume it was a roundtrip ticket he paid for) that is a lot! Then he is traveling abroad that is strange and he says he wants you to pay for him to be with you. Cause if my fiancee can do all that, I think I would have the same reaction that you have now. I'm more emotional now, tired etc.. I jus feel drained (two jobs etc)! As my mother says I'm exhausted!!! And if he had the funds to help out by all means he would be expected to help me! Without a doubt! I applaud you as you are thinking of a package (meaning you are not jus thinking of you, but you and your child). I hope all turns out well for you both. Wish you the best!

[Tunji&Toyin 0]

Its very interesting from the female point of view. As a man, it is what we are supposed to do. The money spent on the process is making a dent in my pockets, but its not extremely harmful. I don't have many other obligations, other than myself.

I think it really comes down to is this. When you love that person, male or female, the money you spend on this process is insignificant. The love that the two of you share will conquer all in the end. There is always that small doubt in your mind that what if I get duped. For a woman to take on all the fees, understand that that if your SO is in an African country, he will not have the money, nor will he make the money in two, three, or four years. That is why some of these women foot the bill. The sad part is that sometimes, once these men get to this country, they forget all of the hardwork that you have done, and once they get their green card they are out like it was yesterday. So if you are struggling with the thought of ponying up the money to bring him over here, apparently the love or so called love was not strong enough. Which to me is OK, and I would not second guess you or judge you on that matter.

Its nice to hear it from the other side. If I was a woman, I would think about the whole process long and hard, before committing to something like this. I have some old traditional views, but seeing how my mom held it down, I want a wife who can do the same, hold a job, be a mother, wife, friend, lover, sister to my brothers. I know my wife can and will do it. As a woman, I think you would want a man who could hold it down, and be a strong provider, loving, caring, understanding amongst other desired qualities and characteristics.

My whole process has gone by quickly, I guess, because I have so many things going on. I am glad it is almost over, and the next chapter in my life will begin.

I hope that your journeys whether at the end or just beginning goes smoothly without a hitch.

[kk_mine 0]

Well I will admit, at first going in to this I had my doubts from the start. It was strange I have never heard of scams from Africa on TV. Not too long after we started talking I see a Dateline program about his very city and all the scams that come from there. I was like was it for me to see this program? It showed men at internet cafe and told of scams they run etc..

I heard from friends/family all these bad things and I was wondering if this was right for me. If you would have asked me then I would be unsure of our relationship @ first. I have openly talked to him about my concerns and things I have heard. My mom would say do you want to be with him or not? It would not be nice to string/lead him on if you don't want this she would say. It was tough!!! But in the long run I know how he feels for me, about Us, and we have had so many good things showing us this was meant to be.. that I know who I Love & Want to be with! You ask me do I want to be with him now, with confidence I say: Yes!

But as was mentioned a lot, the doubts will come as that is normal. I felt bad for doubting but he even told me he understood as his country and esp a lot of the men have made it bad for others. So lots of thinking on the matter and prayer in my opinion will help you! Or it has helped me a lot!! As for the bad things I hear from others: I will not let them get in the way of our happiness! In your case I see why there have to be a lot of things considered!

Edited September 22, 2008 by kk_mine

[idocare 3]

I totally agree that you can't let one persons grief make your feel differently about your

spouse. People can only enlighten you. Then what they have to say may not apply to you.

[Mags 112]

Grey area thread, please leave in African forum as per moving guide.

Thanks.

[idocare 3]

bump