Halt!

[lovin_famo 0]

Peace and Blessings to All,

As I write type these words i pray for clarity, and discernment in my life. I told myself that i would not post again, due to different reasons, but here goes.

Last year i met a man online. We chatted, talked on the phone, e-mailed, maintaining constant contact with one another. About two months after we met, he offered to fly me to meet him. At the time i declined because of my child, my job (nurse), and honestly because I didnt know him from Adam.

Fast forward to may 2008, after much thought, and prayer, i decided to take a chance. Mind you I have never been on an airplane, so i was more nervous being on the flight than actually meeting this man. it turned out to be a lovely trip; i needed the vacation.

Here is where things get complicated. After my return to the states, i began to gather all of the required information to file, we gathered all of his necessary documents, with signatures included, before my return home, so i had all of his info. Wasnt really worried about my things, so i thought, I'm set. Halt! My brain starts working in overdrive, dont know if it is God talkng to me after I had asked him for guidance or maybe it was cold feet, i am leaning towards the former.

If you guys remember from one of my posts, I explained who I am, my way of thinking, and how I was raised. I asked questions, that's what I do. I was explaining to him that once I file, if things go as planned, once he is here there would be more fees, figuring he would know this since he reads everything, and he was the one that introduced me to the site. Well, to make a long story short, he politely told me and i quote, "If you cant afford the fees, dont worry about it, I just want you to do what is best for you and your daughter, what makes you happy". So, my question was, "Oh, you expect me to pay for your fees?" Although my question was already answered, just wanted to hear his response, or clarify; he didnt. My response, "Okay, since you cant answer the question, I will tell you, NO, i am not paying your fees".

In the past he would tell me that it is hard living in nigeria, that there are no jobs available. I have never been to Nigeria, only know what he tells me, but, one thing i know for certain is no matter what situation you are in, if you believe and trust in The Lord, he will provide. No matter what job you have , how small, if it is selling goods on the side of the road, as long as it is honest and you do it in good faith.

I am purposely omitting some things, but the gist of it is, you knew my stance as far as the role of a man and the role of a woman in a relationship, so this should not have come up, he should not be surprised, angered whatever. Yes, he is angered, i have not spoken to him since this conversation which was 2 days ago, no IMs, phone calls, nothing. I guess he feels that if I loved him, enough, I would do anything to see that he gets here. well, i think if he loved me he would do whatever, to assist in HIS being here. I tried to explain to him that yes, i love him, I do, but i had a life before he entered, i have a daughter that depends on me to amke sure she is as comfortable as possible. These are my priorities.

I knew this would be a stressful journey, and I have yet to file! Is it not enough that once they are here you have to care for them, while praying that soon, they will be able to work to contribute? I knew this, but help me help you.

I know some of you are probably thinking, i am selfish ,bitchy, whatever, that this seems very petty, maybe, but before i spent MY money preparing to file, i had to be sure of some things, now i am not so sure, maybe it is his reaction, or lack thereof. I thought he understood my views obviously not.

I dont know what is going to happen, my mom told me if he really loves you he will work just as hard as expects you to work. I agree. I leave it in God's hands, because with all this said, I do love him.

Thanks for listening!

Dana

P.S. Please dont make assumptions, or judge, I am entitled to my own views and opinions.

[Asante Maroon 0]

Hey Dana,

I am sorry that you and your SO has reached a bump in the road...which I believe is just a bump. You have to stay true to your own feelings but you have to understand that he may be staying true to his own.

Yes. Times are rough regardless if you are living in Africa or the US and bringing your fiance here on your own dime may very well be difficult due to your personal responsibilities but I just want you to see the other side of the coin.

My experience:

When I decided to file for my hubby, I knew that I would bear most of the financial burden...not because it was expected of me but because I knew that my hubby could not possibly contribute effectively to the journey. If it was a struggle for me at times to gather money for international phone calls and the like and I live in a country where the dollar is stronger, I knew that it would be virtually impossible for my SO to come up with money. Consider a haircut in the US being $20 and a haircut in Ghana being $1 .....BIG difference... you get me?

Of course my hubby had a huge issue with me taking on most of the financial burden and tried to save as much as he could to towards the process, but like I said it would merely be enough to make a dent in what was truly needed. In the end he could have begged family members to contribute, but he and I both are not that kind of people. We find it easier to give than to take.

I have hunch that your SO could very well feel a lot of pressure to contribute to the process especially if he just does not have it. He may even suspect that you may feel that he is not doing his part as the man in the relationship and that your guard is up in terms of being used. I know that if I would have reacted to my SO as you had to your SO, my SO would be hurt and may have reacted in the the same way as yours. Its a lot of pressure on any man when his SO is more financially stable then he is. Maybe he felt that you were telling him that he is not that important and if he comes to the US he comes but he has to get himself here. He may feel that you don't trust him and perhaps this distrust is influencing why you are hesitant or refusing to invest financially in his fees for coming here.

Love is smart, however it has no boundaries. If you believe that this man truly loves you and he wants to come to the US to love you, build with you, and support you...you just might have to take the first step in showing some support. Can your SO find a job? perhaps. Can he sell goods on the side of the road? perhaps. But I'm going to be really honest with you, the money he makes may just be enough for him to make it day to day and maybe put a little away on the side. In Ghana when you are able to secure a monthly wage of lets say 300-500 USD its pretty decent money and is considered a very good paying job...and the average person does not even make that.

Dana, just pray on it more. My SO never asked me for money and was always very reluctant to take anything from me, but we both needed to be real. although I am by no means rich, I definitely was in a better position than he was so logically I would have to take on more of the financial responsibility. If my SO had the $$$ OF COURSE he would have to contribute!!! But he did not. When I was in Ghana for 3 months during my second trip....he broke his savings just to show me a good time and make me comfortable. During the initial petition process he mailed documents to me from Ghana on his own dime through DHL. When he arrived in the US, he presented me with all that he managed to save. I had no idea that he would have done that, but he did. I was sure that he was who I wanted to be with and I was certain that he was not using me or that he was not copping out on his duties as a man. I knew that when he is in a better place to do better that he would because he had shown me some instances...however small.

If you are unsure about paying your SO's fees for whatever reasons, perhaps you feel that you may be taken advantage of, then I can understand your reservation. But if you are holding strict to not being seen as some sort of sugar mama to your SO, I think you should rethink why you want to bring him here. His silence to your question does not seem to me as an admission of guilt but more of hurt that he may not be that important to you.

I know that you have not given us all the details so forgive me for where I have made assumptions. I am just trying to give you another perspective.

I think you love your SO, but you are just scared and I understand that. But please do not act out of fear. Continue to pray on it and try your best to look at the situation objectively....

Once again I am writing while being extremely sleepy, so I hope I have made a little sense...If you need clarification, PM me, mama.

Good luck to you

P.S.

I don't think you are bitchy or selfish. I think your feelings are a natural reaction to what you are experiencing.

Edited August 11, 2008 by Asante Maroon

[soon~tobe 0]

I think Asante's response was really well put. I know we don't know the whole story. But I know that God can guide you into the truth when you rely on him.

Also will be paying for most of the process. I lived in Uganda for the last year with my SO, while I was doing aid work. He has a job he loves which barley makes enough money to cover his expenses, plus helping his younger brother and sister. So I just know at this point in life I am the one making more money, and he is worth the effort. But He knows we are a team, eventually he will be the with the majority of the burden to support me and our family. Life isn't always 50/50, sometimes one party has to give more. I know right now I will give more financially, but I feel he brings more into my life in other, and he knows in the future he will be the one expected to give more financially.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Peace and Blessings to All,

As I write type these words i pray for clarity, and discernment in my life. I told myself that i would not post again, due to different reasons, but here goes.

Last year i met a man online. We chatted, talked on the phone, e-mailed, maintaining constant contact with one another. About two months after we met, he offered to fly me to meet him. At the time i declined because of my child, my job (nurse), and honestly because I didnt know him from Adam.

Fast forward to may 2008, after much thought, and prayer, i decided to take a chance. Mind you I have never been on an airplane, so i was more nervous being on the flight than actually meeting this man. it turned out to be a lovely trip; i needed the vacation.

Here is where things get complicated. After my return to the states, i began to gather all of the required information to file, we gathered all of his necessary documents, with signatures included, before my return home, so i had all of his info. Wasnt really worried about my things, so i thought, I'm set. Halt! My brain starts working in overdrive, dont know if it is God talkng to me after I had asked him for guidance or maybe it was cold feet, i am leaning towards the former.

If you guys remember from one of my posts, I explained who I am, my way of thinking, and how I was raised. I asked questions, that's what I do. I was explaining to him that once I file, if things go as planned, once he is here there would be more fees, figuring he would know this since he reads everything, and he was the one that introduced me to the site. Well, to make a long story short, he politely told me and i quote, "If you cant afford the fees, dont worry about it, I just want you to do what is best for you and your daughter, what makes you happy". So, my question was, "Oh, you expect me to pay for your fees?" Although my question was already answered, just wanted to hear his response, or clarify; he didnt. My response, "Okay, since you cant answer the question, I will tell you, NO, i am not paying your fees".

In the past he would tell me that it is hard living in nigeria, that there are no jobs available. I have never been to Nigeria, only know what he tells me, but, one thing i know for certain is no matter what situation you are in, if you believe and trust in The Lord, he will provide. No matter what job you have , how small, if it is selling goods on the side of the road, as long as it is honest and you do it in good faith.

I am purposely omitting some things, but the gist of it is, you knew my stance as far as the role of a man and the role of a woman in a relationship, so this should not have come up, he should not be surprised, angered whatever. Yes, he is angered, i have not spoken to him since this conversation which was 2 days ago, no IMs, phone calls, nothing. I guess he feels that if I loved him, enough, I would do anything to see that he gets here. well, i think if he loved me he would do whatever, to assist in HIS being here. I tried to explain to him that yes, i love him, I do, but i had a life before he entered, i have a daughter that depends on me to amke sure she is as comfortable as possible. These are my priorities.

I knew this would be a stressful journey, and I have yet to file! Is it not enough that once they are here you have to care for them, while praying that soon, they will be able to work to contribute? I knew this, but help me help you.

I know some of you are probably thinking, i am selfish ,bitchy, whatever, that this seems very petty, maybe, but before i spent MY money preparing to file, i had to be sure of some things, now i am not so sure, maybe it is his reaction, or lack thereof. I thought he understood my views obviously not.

I dont know what is going to happen, my mom told me if he really loves you he will work just as hard as expects you to work. I agree. I leave it in God's hands, because with all this said, I do love him.

Thanks for listening!

Dana

P.S. Please dont make assumptions, or judge, I am entitled to my own views and opinions.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

The majority of Africa and the world lives on $2 a day. That's not a lot in the scheme of things when applying it towards US immigration fees.

Some people are visual learners so I'm putting in a link here for you try: Global Rich List

Go put your annual income in there and then his and maybe it will help you understand better the vast difference between you two economically and help clarify things for you better.

I also agree with much of what Asante said.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Hello Lovin_famo,

You have an extremely difficult decision. I have similar views and situation. I have a ten year old son that comes first in my life. Every penny I have is his. When you are a single mom, that is just a priority. I am fortunate that my husband paid for everything including my vacation visiting him.

This is extremely expensive process not to count the cost of flying him here. The added financial burden could add more stress to an already difficult distant relationship.

His reaction to your concern I find disappointing and immature.

Sounds like you might need to wait a little longer before filing. Subsequently time is of the essence too.

Pray, pray, and pray! You will find the way!

Peace and Blessings to All,

As I write type these words i pray for clarity, and discernment in my life. I told myself that i would not post again, due to different reasons, but here goes.

Last year i met a man online. We chatted, talked on the phone, e-mailed, maintaining constant contact with one another. About two months after we met, he offered to fly me to meet him. At the time i declined because of my child, my job (nurse), and honestly because I didnt know him from Adam.

Fast forward to may 2008, after much thought, and prayer, i decided to take a chance. Mind you I have never been on an airplane, so i was more nervous being on the flight than actually meeting this man. it turned out to be a lovely trip; i needed the vacation.

Here is where things get complicated. After my return to the states, i began to gather all of the required information to file, we gathered all of his necessary documents, with signatures included, before my return home, so i had all of his info. Wasnt really worried about my things, so i thought, I'm set. Halt! My brain starts working in overdrive, dont know if it is God talkng to me after I had asked him for guidance or maybe it was cold feet, i am leaning towards the former.

If you guys remember from one of my posts, I explained who I am, my way of thinking, and how I was raised. I asked questions, that's what I do. I was explaining to him that once I file, if things go as planned, once he is here there would be more fees, figuring he would know this since he reads everything, and he was the one that introduced me to the site. Well, to make a long story short, he politely told me and i quote, "If you cant afford the fees, dont worry about it, I just want you to do what is best for you and your daughter, what makes you happy". So, my question was, "Oh, you expect me to pay for your fees?" Although my question was already answered, just wanted to hear his response, or clarify; he didnt. My response, "Okay, since you cant answer the question, I will tell you, NO, i am not paying your fees".

In the past he would tell me that it is hard living in nigeria, that there are no jobs available. I have never been to Nigeria, only know what he tells me, but, one thing i know for certain is no matter what situation you are in, if you believe and trust in The Lord, he will provide. No matter what job you have , how small, if it is selling goods on the side of the road, as long as it is honest and you do it in good faith.

I am purposely omitting some things, but the gist of it is, you knew my stance as far as the role of a man and the role of a woman in a relationship, so this should not have come up, he should not be surprised, angered whatever. Yes, he is angered, i have not spoken to him since this conversation which was 2 days ago, no IMs, phone calls, nothing. I guess he feels that if I loved him, enough, I would do anything to see that he gets here. well, i think if he loved me he would do whatever, to assist in HIS being here. I tried to explain to him that yes, i love him, I do, but i had a life before he entered, i have a daughter that depends on me to amke sure she is as comfortable as possible. These are my priorities.

I knew this would be a stressful journey, and I have yet to file! Is it not enough that once they are here you have to care for them, while praying that soon, they will be able to work to contribute? I knew this, but help me help you.

I know some of you are probably thinking, i am selfish ,bitchy, whatever, that this seems very petty, maybe, but before i spent MY money preparing to file, i had to be sure of some things, now i am not so sure, maybe it is his reaction, or lack thereof. I thought he understood my views obviously not.

I dont know what is going to happen, my mom told me if he really loves you he will work just as hard as expects you to work. I agree. I leave it in God's hands, because with all this said, I do love him.

Thanks for listening!

Dana

P.S. Please dont make assumptions, or judge, I am entitled to my own views and opinions.

[ladybee 0]

hello lov famo listen if your heart is telling you somethimg is wrong or not right then wait . Its no need rushing into anything. You said you left out information whatever it is it had to be bad. I dont know. But anyway I could tell you In Africa people are suffering I visited Burkina Faso and its not a good situation.He may be telling you the thruth. But dont rush into anything cause "LOVE IS BLIND" .

[Zee Bee 61]

what Asante said.

Everyone's situation is different. You know your SO the best and so only you know how to react to what he is saying. If you have laid out what you expect of him and he is not delivering, then that is something for you to think about.

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

Halt!

who goes there?

[lovin_famo 0]

Good morning ladies,

I sit here thinking of everything you guys have said, all with good points. he is now in london, which is why i did not divulge much of his situation, but i think you guys can figure out what is going on. To the point he has no money just started working, part-time, very part-time. So what ever he earns has to carry him back to nigeria, and aid in maintaining his care.

For now i think it is best to wait, gain a better understanding of one another, because it seems imperative for me to understand him, and his country, the same goes for his understanding of me and mine.

Dana

[soon~tobe 0]

If that is what your heart is telling you, then do wait. I can't imagine going through this very long frustrating process if I was not sure he was THE man I wanted to be with. I think it is a good thing that something that is a red flag for you showed up early and you can wait. Good luck in everything!!!

[lovin_famo 0]

hello lov famo listen if your heart is telling you somethimg is wrong or not right then wait . Its no need rushing into anything. You said you left out information whatever it is it had to be bad. I dont know. But anyway I could tell you In Africa people are suffering I visited Burkina Faso and its not a good situation.He may be telling you the thruth. But dont rush into anything cause "LOVE IS BLIND" .

Thanks for your reply and your observation, no, the information i left out is not bad, just dont feel it is anybody's business, already divulged TMI. I guess i was just hoping someone had a different view on things pertaining to who does what and why, I guess not

Also, not referring to you but others, does love equate to how much you are willing to show that love by going against everything you believe? Does that mean i love him less because of the things i am not willing to do? No, but by not understanding and accepting my stance it shows his unwillingness to accept me.

Everyone says " I dont know how it is in Africa, how hard life is, maybe because i have never been there. I consider myself pretty intelligent, try to keep abreast of world events, i know the situation in Africa. I lnow some resort to all types of things in order to better themselves, but does that make it right? What about those who choose instead to work hard and to do whatever to make sure their families are cared for, what evr job that may be.

Maybe I am missing the point, if there is one. This is about two people not one. yes, i am sure that this is a good man, sure he would be a great father and husband, but when the smoke clears and as I am coming down from my, " oh , he is wonderful, the best" high, i must face reality my reality. That reality is he is really no different from any other man, just from a different part of the world, that alone does not exempt him from pain and struggle.

Thanks

If that is what your heart is telling you, then do wait. I can't imagine going through this very long frustrating process if I was not sure he was THE man I wanted to be with. I think it is a good thing that something that is a red flag for you showed up early and you can wait. Good luck in everything!!!

Thanks!

[Simply_Uno 1]

hello lov famo listen if your heart is telling you somethimg is wrong or not right then wait . Its no need rushing into anything. You said you left out information whatever it is it had to be bad. I dont know. But anyway I could tell you In Africa people are suffering I visited Burkina Faso and its not a good situation.He may be telling you the thruth. But dont rush into anything cause "LOVE IS BLIND" .

Thanks for your reply and your observation, no, the information i left out is not bad, just dont feel it is anybody's business, already divulged TMI. I guess i was just hoping someone had a different view on things pertaining to who does what and why, I guess not

Also, not referring to you but others, does love equate to how much you are willing to show that love by going against everything you believe? Does that mean i love him less because of the things i am not willing to do? No, but by not understanding and accepting my stance it shows his unwillingness to accept me.

Everyone says " I dont know how it is in Africa, how hard life is, maybe because i have never been there. I consider myself pretty intelligent, try to keep abreast of world events, i know the situation in Africa. I lnow some resort to all types of things in order to better themselves, but does that make it right? What about those who choose instead to work hard and to do whatever to make sure their families are cared for, what evr job that may be.

Maybe I am missing the point, if there is one. This is about two people not one. yes, i am sure that this is a good man, sure he would be a great father and husband, but when the smoke clears and as I am coming down from my, " oh , he is wonderful, the best" high, i must face reality my reality. That reality is he is really no different from any other man, just from a different part of the world, that alone does not exempt him from pain and struggle.

Thanks

[Kanyiri 0]

Last year i met a man online. We chatted, talked on the phone, e-mailed, maintaining constant contact with one another. About two months after we met, he offered to fly me to meet him. At the time i declined because of my child, my job (nurse), and honestly because I didnt know him from Adam.

Fast forward to may 2008, after much thought, and prayer, i decided to take a chance. Mind you I have never been on an airplane, so i was more nervous being on the flight than actually meeting this man. it turned out to be a lovely trip; i needed the vacation.

What everyone else has posted is completely true. There are vast income differences. What stands out to me though is that he had the money to fly you to see him and yet he didn't have the money to pay for the immigration process - which is cheaper than the plane ticket. And your SO doesn't sound like the typical poor villager as he is currently in London. As you have mentioned, I don't know your complete story but if something seems fishy to you don't ignore it.

I must say for my personal story I did pay for the entire immigration process. I may not have paid for every meal and every bus ticket, but I did pay for everything else. Paying for the process doesn't necesarily mean that you are being taken advantage of. It can however be a red flag if it doesn't feel right to you. Also, in my case I lived in the same village and saw my SO every day for two years. He never saw a computer until the end of those two years. I knew first hand where he was coming from and knew enough people in the village who did not like him to get all the dirt on him - before our relationship actually started. Gotta love village gossip. The girl I lived with was the gossip queen but that is another story.

Meeting someone and maintaining a relationship online takes a much larger leap of faith. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable make sure you get that cleared up before you take any further steps.

I pray that everything works out for the best for both you and your SO.

[lovin_famo 0]

Last year i met a man online. We chatted, talked on the phone, e-mailed, maintaining constant contact with one another. About two months after we met, he offered to fly me to meet him. At the time i declined because of my child, my job (nurse), and honestly because I didnt know him from Adam.

Fast forward to may 2008, after much thought, and prayer, i decided to take a chance. Mind you I have never been on an airplane, so i was more nervous being on the flight than actually meeting this man. it turned out to be a lovely trip; i needed the vacation.

What everyone else has posted is completely true. There are vast income differences. What stands out to me though is that he had the money to fly you to see him and yet he didn't have the money to pay for the immigration process - which is cheaper than the plane ticket. And your SO doesn't sound like the typical poor villager as he is currently in London. As you have mentioned, I don't know your complete story but if something seems fishy to you don't ignore it.

I must say for my personal story I did pay for the entire immigration process. I may not have paid for every meal and every bus ticket, but I did pay for everything else. Paying for the process doesn't necesarily mean that you are being taken advantage of. It can however be a red flag if it doesn't feel right to you. Also, in my case I lived in the same village and saw my SO every day for two years. He never saw a computer until the end of those two years. I knew first hand where he was coming from and knew enough people in the village who did not like him to get all the dirt on him - before our relationship actually started. Gotta love village gossip. The girl I lived with was the gossip queen but that is another story.

Meeting someone and maintaining a relationship online takes a much larger leap of faith. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable make sure you get that cleared up before you take any further steps.

I pray that everything works out for the best for both you and your SO.

Thanks Hon,

Clarification: I paid for my trip to London.