StepParent

[penn-kd 0]

Ok I have an issue, I moved to the usa to get married and now his ex is causing issues. He has shared custody and she won't let him have her overnight cause I'm here. Do I have rights? If I don't could I get a Power of Attorney over his minor child? Please help!

[sly_wolf 199]

Unfortunatley, this can only be resolved between your husband and his ex wife. If they can not work out the issues together then his only option is to consult a lawyer.

I expect not the news you want to hear.

Sly

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Unfortunatley, this can only be resolved between your husband and his ex wife. If they can not work out the issues together then his only option is to consult a lawyer.

I expect not the news you want to hear.

Sly

Correct - I am the step parent who moved here as well. You don't really have any legal rights with regard to the child at this time. The custody order they have in place is between them. I do understand how manipulative an ex can be (my husband's is too) and also how vindictive that other person can be towards your new spouse. The whole purpose of withholding the child is to manipulate and the ex's feelings may be hurt since they might be replaced (yes, it sounds groundless, but frequently that's what's going on) They may feel threatened since now you guys have a 'real family unit' again...especially if they are still single. I've had to try and see it from my husband's ex's side too...I don't think she's the greatest person and I don't like that she does hurtful things to him. We had an issue where his ex wouldn't let his teenagers stay over night until we were legally maried (a couple weeks later)...we basically let it slide and then she couldn't refuse later-on. She still comes up with dumb stuff though.

Legally he will have to take steps if she continues to do silly things....my guess is she'll mellow out for a bit, then freak out..then mellow out for longer, then freak out again......the cycles become less and less eventually and she'll become accustomed to the new 'state of affairs'.

[aravis227 1]

Ok I have an issue, I moved to the usa to get married and now his ex is causing issues. He has shared custody and she won't let him have her overnight cause I'm here. Do I have rights? If I don't could I get a Power of Attorney over his minor child? Please help!

I have a friend who has gone through a similar situation. Unfortunately you don't have any legal rights as the step-parent...however if they have court-ordered visitation then your husband has every right to take this before a judge, and should. If they do not have court-ordered visitation it might be something he wants to think about requesting. The only person your husband's ex is really punishing is the child...and that's stupid. If she doesn't chill very soon I think your husband should definitely contact a lawyer about his rights. Unfortunately if the ex is manipulative enough to be using the child as a bargaining chip like this you have to wonder what she's saying to the child about why she can't visit her dad.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Ok I have an issue, I moved to the usa to get married and now his ex is causing issues. He has shared custody and she won't let him have her overnight cause I'm here. Do I have rights? If I don't could I get a Power of Attorney over his minor child? Please help!

I have a friend who has gone through a similar situation. Unfortunately you don't have any legal rights as the step-parent...however if they have court-ordered visitation then your husband has every right to take this before a judge, and should. If they do not have court-ordered visitation it might be something he wants to think about requesting. The only person your husband's ex is really punishing is the child...and that's stupid. If she doesn't chill very soon I think your husband should definitely contact a lawyer about his rights. Unfortunately if the ex is manipulative enough to be using the child as a bargaining chip like this you have to wonder what she's saying to the child about why she can't visit her dad.

no need to wonder, from personal experience you can assume it's not good. She may say nothing and then tell the child the father called and said he couldn't come today, maybe because he's busy with his new family. Happens to us all the time and I've encouraged my husband to be proactive in talking to the boys directly himself and explaining everything as approrpriate. he hates to get between them and their mom, but sometimes he has to say' why don't you come over, your mom has decided I can't just drop by and talk to you because she's not comfortable with it'...if they question why she's doing it, he says to ask her.

how old is the child in question...explanations need to be age appropriate

[*JG* 2]

They need to work it out amongst themselves. Sounds to me like pure jealousy on the other's part. Do they have a custody agreement in place? If so, she may be violating it.

[Emancipation 2]

Sounds like you are in the "transition" stage.. I've been here 1 1/2 yrs and am just feeling (last 4-5 months) like I'm getting accepted by my hubby's ex. The very first conversation I had with her went something like this - 20 min of ranting by her (most of which she's apologized for) and then I said "look.. you & hubby are the parents - I'm not the parent of these two kiddos, that's something that I will never get in the way of. I'm not competition, I'm not trying to be a "better mother". They have a great mum already, and I just want to love these kids.. nothing more.. If I can be a positive part of their lives I want to do that. Please don't feel threatened by me, I will support and encourage you both to parent and try to stay out of the way and not stick my oar in where it doesn't belong as much as possible. PERIOD. " I don't think she really believed me that day, but I've worked hard at doing what I said I was going to do, and giving hubby time and space to deal with parenting issues/ money stuff, etc. with her and trying to support her as she deals with the kids 24-7. I try to be as gracious and understanding as i can. I just don't see what good can come of being combative. It's worked in our situation, not saying it would work in everyone's situation, but we're all MUCH better off than when I first moved here to the US. I am extremely grateful for that.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Sounds like you are in the "transition" stage.. I've been here 1 1/2 yrs and am just feeling (last 4-5 months) like I'm getting accepted by my hubby's ex. The very first conversation I had with her went something like this - 20 min of ranting by her (most of which she's apologized for) and then I said "look.. you & hubby are the parents - I'm not the parent of these two kiddos, that's something that I will never get in the way of. I'm not competition, I'm not trying to be a "better mother". They have a great mum already, and I just want to love these kids.. nothing more.. If I can be a positive part of their lives I want to do that. Please don't feel threatened by me, I will support and encourage you both to parent and try to stay out of the way and not stick my oar in where it doesn't belong as much as possible. PERIOD. " I don't think she really believed me that day, but I've worked hard at doing what I said I was going to do, and giving hubby time and space to deal with parenting issues/ money stuff, etc. with her and trying to support her as she deals with the kids 24-7. I try to be as gracious and understanding as i can. I just don't see what good can come of being combative. It's worked in our situation, not saying it would work in everyone's situation, but we're all MUCH better off than when I first moved here to the US. I am extremely grateful for that.

Awesome advice Emanc.....take the high road and be supportive, it will be appreciated down the road and helpful to everyone.

[MissStacey 1]

I was thinking the same thing as Jomo's Girl- do they have a custody arrangement?

Mel's ex was a bit nasty at first- if she phoned she would just snap "let me talk to Mel" if he wasn't here she would just hang up on me. I never had to deal with her in person- pick ups and drop off were always done via the daycare he was going to, so it was quite a while before I actually met her.

Now I think she is quite nice. My stepson is in school now so I often see at school events and if there is a problem or any issues to deal with- we have no problem calling each other. She works nights and if you catch her at a time when she hasn't slept much she can be snappy- but I can't blame her for that.

[Cdn_Ali 11]

I really relate to the fathers side in this - when my son lived with my ex, he wouldn't let me come to the house after his girlfriend moved in because he said she was 'afraid' of me - no idea why. They made it impossible for me to see my child & I had to sneak around to find ways to see him. His father or girlfriend would erase phone messages I had left for him...one time I found out he had a doctors appointment so I happened to turn up at the same time knowing he was going alone.

I think some ex-wives are just bitter & jealous and will do anything to make their exes lives miserable...that wasn`t me though. I really do want my ex to move on and be happy & I accept that he has a new partner. Problem is, she can`t accept that he has an ex-wife - she won`t even let me introduce myself. My poor kid was told that I didn`t care about him anymore and didn`t want to see him, and that`s why I wasn`t visiting. How awful for a child! I agree with previous posts that suggest anything the ex is telling the kids probably isn`t good.

All you can do is be very supportive of your husband during this trying situation. Kids are pretty smart - when they are older, they will realize their mother sabotaged things with their Dad and they`ll probably resent her for it. What goes around, comes around. In my case, it took 2 years to `come around`but I`ll tell you, my son figured out the truth and he is so mad at his Dad he won`t speak to him now. (I hope that will change with time because I want them to have a relationship, but I`m pretty sure this wasn`t the result his father was looking for.)

I applaud you for being supportive and looking for ways to help this situation - ultimately it is about the children. Be a cheerleader for them and their Dad as best you can, and try not to get too discouraged.

[penn-kd 0]

Ok I have an issue, I moved to the usa to get married and now his ex is causing issues. He has shared custody and she won't let him have her overnight cause I'm here. Do I have rights? If I don't could I get a Power of Attorney over his minor child? Please help!

I have a friend who has gone through a similar situation. Unfortunately you don't have any legal rights as the step-parent...however if they have court-ordered visitation then your husband has every right to take this before a judge, and should. If they do not have court-ordered visitation it might be something he wants to think about requesting. The only person your husband's ex is really punishing is the child...and that's stupid. If she doesn't chill very soon I think your husband should definitely contact a lawyer about his rights. Unfortunately if the ex is manipulative enough to be using the child as a bargaining chip like this you have to wonder what she's saying to the child about why she can't visit her dad.

no need to wonder, from personal experience you can assume it's not good. She may say nothing and then tell the child the father called and said he couldn't come today, maybe because he's busy with his new family. Happens to us all the time and I've encouraged my husband to be proactive in talking to the boys directly himself and explaining everything as approrpriate. he hates to get between them and their mom, but sometimes he has to say' why don't you come over, your mom has decided I can't just drop by and talk to you because she's not comfortable with it'...if they question why she's doing it, he says to ask her.

how old is the child in question...explanations need to be age appropriate

She is 11 years old! We went and had a talk with her last night and she was unreasonable. Nothing was resolved. I don't understand why we can't have her over night if it is his week. What he does on his week shouldn't matter? Also she is living with a married man and has a child with him. What kind of example is that? We just want what we are entitled to and what is best for her.

I think she is doing this so that she can taking him to domestics so she can get more child support. It says that child support is based on the where the child sleeps. We do pay support even though we have shared custody. What also makes me mad is she is a very capable working person but chooses to live off the system. She can' t even really support her. Uggg, It's never been a problem until now.I made it very clean that I am not there to replace her as a mother, she has a mom. I never overstep my role! This is so difficult!

[penn-kd 0]

Sounds like you are in the "transition" stage.. I've been here 1 1/2 yrs and am just feeling (last 4-5 months) like I'm getting accepted by my hubby's ex. The very first conversation I had with her went something like this - 20 min of ranting by her (most of which she's apologized for) and then I said "look.. you & hubby are the parents - I'm not the parent of these two kiddos, that's something that I will never get in the way of. I'm not competition, I'm not trying to be a "better mother". They have a great mum already, and I just want to love these kids.. nothing more.. If I can be a positive part of their lives I want to do that. Please don't feel threatened by me, I will support and encourage you both to parent and try to stay out of the way and not stick my oar in where it doesn't belong as much as possible. PERIOD. " I don't think she really believed me that day, but I've worked hard at doing what I said I was going to do, and giving hubby time and space to deal with parenting issues/ money stuff, etc. with her and trying to support her as she deals with the kids 24-7. I try to be as gracious and understanding as i can. I just don't see what good can come of being combative. It's worked in our situation, not saying it would work in everyone's situation, but we're all MUCH better off than when I first moved here to the US. I am extremely grateful for that.

I allready do that but she just hates me! I think this is because her daughter has a better realationship with me than her.

[Peggy 1]

I went thru this as well with my step childrens mother ( well what ever she is).

She was just jealous that he was happy and she tried to cause as much ####### as she could between me and my husband.

His son was kept from us for awhile becasue of me....lol

Some ex's are just plain TROUBLE. You just have to deal with it the best you can.

Good luck to anyone that has new step children going thru this process.

It is not an easy ride.

[penn-kd 0]

I was thinking the same thing as Jomo's Girl- do they have a custody arrangement?

Mel's ex was a bit nasty at first- if she phoned she would just snap "let me talk to Mel" if he wasn't here she would just hang up on me. I never had to deal with her in person- pick ups and drop off were always done via the daycare he was going to, so it was quite a while before I actually met her.

Now I think she is quite nice. My stepson is in school now so I often see at school events and if there is a problem or any issues to deal with- we have no problem calling each other. She works nights and if you catch her at a time when she hasn't slept much she can be snappy- but I can't blame her for that.

We do have a court order that was from 9 years ago. It it is for shared custody on a weekly basis, exchange taking place on Friday, at 5pm which is when our week starts.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Lot of factors here....11 is a hard age, getting to the ugly teenage years. Talking many times and reinforcing with action is the best way for kids. She will come to understand 'eventually' that there are 2 sides to this story....for our boys, it's been 3-4 yrs in the end and it's an ongoing process.

I don't know if you have your own children as well or whether this is a first time parenting opportunity for you. lots of good resources out there to draw from for Step moms. You will probably be confused and hurt by how the daughter acts and she'll be confused and hurt by you at some point - kind of normal for any parent/ child relationship. You can foster good feeling by encouraging your husband and forging your own relationship with her when you can.

If you're not married yet, I know in virginia, my husband's ex had the right to stipulate that the kids not stay over since we weren't married...is that the case where you live? The ex must adhere to the custody arrangment in place though o take it back to court if she wants to change it.

Track emails and incidents in case you need supporting evidence later, it just makes good sense.

Most of all - your husband has to be the verbal one (remember, you don't have a legal leg to stand on). He will ahve to be the one addressing the issue while you are supportive in the background.

Check out this site; http://www.smoms.org/index.htm