Fear of it not working out

[Scott and Iryna 2]

No, this is NOT on topic. We have turned a single ignorant reply into the the NEW topic. Please, there are many, many other threads to deal with all this nonsense. Please, let's all return to the real topic and let this dead dog lie...

I think this discussion is ON TOPIC.... he is telling the OP that he'll be ok because he's marrying a woman from a particular Country. That is simply untrue.

[KimandRuss 0]

IMO.... It all pertains to the original post ... as I don't think it's ok to say to the OP that you'll be ok because you're marrying into a certain culture....

But you're correct in that the ignorance requires no more explanation.

[IAMX 3,055]

You have a lot of odds in your favor:

1. Divorce is illegal in PI, so the PI woman is not raised in the mindset of if I am not happy I will get a Divorce.

2. What ever makes you happy will make her happy, this is the beauty of PI wife.

3. You are lucky to have Philippine Fiance, Common Knowledge is they make the best wives.

I must say, having a woman who can cook and dance is great. I find that prevalent in Greek women. As well as pissing of feminists, I find always a plus (in fact thats the only thing I find agreeable about your post). As for sticking together, I think you'll find this mindset everywhere, dude. I find it better in a relationship where unhappiness means divorce, as both people try to make each other happy, and effort is demanded of both sides, as opposed to one side *ahem*. Keeping someone in a relationship who isn't happy isn't really a relationship. I'm glad most first world countries have moved past the mindset shown in your post, because it was obvious for the most part women were getting the #### end of the relationship stick for quite a long time.

As for the OP, you just have to be patient. I can understand many people have a threshold of how much time they can bear to be apart, which is perfectly understandable, but keep in mind many people go 1, 2, and 3 years before seeing one another again. In comparison to a lifetime of togetherness, it's a small time to wait, and if the person you're with and relationship are valuable, the wait is worth it.

Edited July 26, 2008 by SRVT

[maggieNomar 0]

I think most people worry about it whether they admit it or not. Some worry more than others. It's a craps shoot but hopefully you will be one of the lucky ones that is able to work through the issues (they will be there no matter how good the relationship) and look back on them and laugh. I've seen some VJ couples weather some rough times but come out on top in the end because they were in love and determined.

[Michael&Guli 0]

i've had the same feelings - or the way i used to put it (and please pardon my twisted sense of humor) i kept telling friends 'when she gets here, she'll be like a brick - what do i do with her?!?!?!?!?!?!???' no family, no friends, won't be able to work, doesn't drive, completely different culture - and i don't live in a yurt (or if you're mongolian - ger).

but all that was my own fear. i.e., does she really love me? and the source of that question/fear - was 99% my own issue.

my best advice is to talk - openly - like somebody else said earlier. because every doubt or fear is another opportunity to open up to (and with) the person that you want to build your life with.

for me at least, the absence of real communication was a HUGE invitation for my own imagination to swoop in - and make up all kinds of #######. back to my 99% statement earlier. talk with her. let her know what you're feeling. even the stuff you're scared to admit. it's an opportunity - to get closer, or perhaps find out that something's not quite working out here.

and if there is ANY way for you to see her again, i would make it happen. we only had 2 weeks when i first met my SO in mongolia on a vacation - she was my guide - best darn vacation i ever decided to take :) we then met in hong kong for 2 weeks just to see if what we felt in mongolia that first time was real, and not just some holiday/vacation thing. and i don't have a huge amount of money, but i knew i needed to do this - to see! if i felt something and i DIDN'T try it, i would regret it for the rest of my life. but i also couldn't just move forward without getting a good sense of her - and us together. i guess to try things out.

but beyond that we email, and text and skype. and i have had many insecurities along the way - both before and after hong kong. but with each honest moment i spend on the phone with her - the closer i feel with her - and the more the insecurities melt away. it's about building 'time' with this other person. build experience. honest experience. open up to her. be honest with her. and see what comes back.

if you can't get back to the phillippines it's fine. if you were there with her, in the same room, talking, and you closed your eyes - it's like you're on the phone. so if you can't get there, just call her - and talk. it will go a long way.

and be honest.

and good luck...

[Scarlett 0]

oh yes SKYPE

you can talk for free every day

I talk to my man on average 2 hours a day (sometime 6 or 7 hours)

I have done that for 20 months

that's a lot of talking

the quality of our communication has become excellent

so I feel like I really know him

I LOVE SKYPE

[Sinergy 3]

You have a lot of odds in your favor:

1. Divorce is illegal in PI, so the PI woman is not raised in the mindset of if I am not happy I will get a Divorce.

2. What ever makes you happy will make her happy, this is the beauty of PI wife.

3. You are lucky to have Philippine Fiance, Common Knowledge is they make the best wives.

oh please!...

I actually understand what you're feeling. I just sent off the I-129 today and even now I still worry. I'm not worrying because I don't know if I really love him, I worry about the future because that's the kind of person I am. I worry about what can go wrong much more than I dream about what will go right. On a daily basis I go through feeling elated at the idea of spending my life with him and then later, scared to death at the thought of it. I think a little apprehension about making such a huge life choice isn't unusual. But you need to be careful about how you handle those fears and what choice you make. For me, I'm trying to push away the worries and focus on the fact that soon he'll be out here and we'll be a family together

Your worried you dont actually know if you love him??? and your spending the money and immigrations time on your application??

Edited July 28, 2008 by Sinergy

[baxxy 0]

I actually understand what you're feeling. I just sent off the I-129 today and even now I still worry. I'm not worrying because I don't know if I really love him, I worry about the future because that's the kind of person I am. I worry about what can go wrong much more than I dream about what will go right. On a daily basis I go through feeling elated at the idea of spending my life with him and then later, scared to death at the thought of it. I think a little apprehension about making such a huge life choice isn't unusual. But you need to be careful about how you handle those fears and what choice you make. For me, I'm trying to push away the worries and focus on the fact that soon he'll be out here and we'll be a family together

Your worried you dont actually know if you love him??? and your spending the money and immigrations time on your application??

I believe shes saying that shes NOT worried that she doesnt love him, shes just worried about the future. Its understandable.

[baxxy 0]

You have a lot of odds in your favor:

1. Divorce is illegal in PI, so the PI woman is not raised in the mindset of if I am not happy I will get a Divorce.

2. What ever makes you happy will make her happy, this is the beauty of PI wife.

3. You are lucky to have Philippine Fiance, Common Knowledge is they make the best wives.

Are you serious? come on, thats the dumbest thing I ever heard. If they have the mindset above as you say, how come so many of them are on here trying to get annulled/divorced? And as far as "they make the best wives", thats insulting to women everywhere, you have got to be kidding me with that one. I dont want my partner to be submissive to me, I want her to be my equal in every way, what you're implying above is that they are obedient, and submissive. Thats not what I'm looking for.

[*JG* 2]

Nothing is guarenteed. And, the adjustment period is very difficult on both of you. It can be done. Patience, love, communication, respect, compromise.........all of which you are practicing now.

[Staashi 371]

Well, this is a good thread. Well done for being so honest.

You know, I would love to see some stats on how well immigration marriages last compared to the 'norm'. I would like to think that we work so hard at being together in the first place, that working at having a happy marriage will be second nature.

And bear in mind, that in the old days no one lived together before marriage, and it seemed to work just fine, perhaps better?

I also would love to see some stats, anyone have any idea where we could get this information? I liked what you had to say Scarlett, however your comment about the old days, well, i dont entirely agree with that, people back then stayed in miserable marriages because they felt it was the right thing to do and put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

I remember this from a class a few years ago...1 out of 2 marriages will end in divorce, but marriages where the couple lived together prior to marrying have an 80% chance of ending in divorce.

[MichelleN 0]

I actually understand what you're feeling. I just sent off the I-129 today and even now I still worry. I'm not worrying because I don't know if I really love him, I worry about the future because that's the kind of person I am. I worry about what can go wrong much more than I dream about what will go right. On a daily basis I go through feeling elated at the idea of spending my life with him and then later, scared to death at the thought of it. I think a little apprehension about making such a huge life choice isn't unusual. But you need to be careful about how you handle those fears and what choice you make. For me, I'm trying to push away the worries and focus on the fact that soon he'll be out here and we'll be a family together

Your worried you dont actually know if you love him??? and your spending the money and immigrations time on your application??

I believe shes saying that shes NOT worried that she doesnt love him, shes just worried about the future. Its understandable.

Yeah that's what I meant. I didn't say it very clearly though lol

[Sinergy 3]

I actually understand what you're feeling. I just sent off the I-129 today and even now I still worry. I'm not worrying because I don't know if I really love him, I worry about the future because that's the kind of person I am. I worry about what can go wrong much more than I dream about what will go right. On a daily basis I go through feeling elated at the idea of spending my life with him and then later, scared to death at the thought of it. I think a little apprehension about making such a huge life choice isn't unusual. But you need to be careful about how you handle those fears and what choice you make. For me, I'm trying to push away the worries and focus on the fact that soon he'll be out here and we'll be a family together

Your worried you dont actually know if you love him??? and your spending the money and immigrations time on your application??

I believe shes saying that shes NOT worried that she doesnt love him, shes just worried about the future. Its understandable.

*Cleaning glasses* thanks for clearing that

[*JG* 2]

It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

Every relationship is a crapshoot.

[baxxy 0]

It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

Nice n mushy, however to me thats a load of *bleep*. I dont think you would be saying that if it came time for a divorce and you have to dish out more money, not to mention what you could lose. So not only would you be losing your "love" but a lot of other stuff that you love too.