How is your spouse adjusting

[nu7015 0]

On this subject of adjusting i want to ask something a friend is going thru. Her husband is here..things seem to be fine...but he has this obcession to stay on the computer talking to friends and family alllllllll the time. She feels left out and doesnt understand all this when she is there for him, he doesnt understand what is the problem and feels she dont trust him. He seems very bull headed at this point and does not understand and feels she is bossing him etc etc these are his friends that mean so much to him etc etc. She feels he wants to alwasy stay home (on the computer) instead of going out, he feels they are together alllllll the time except for bathroom time....he sees himself as a visitor still and he is sure in a year or two he will adjust and see things better. Any of this sound familar

When my husband first got here he spent time talking with his family on the computer and by phone quite a bit. He really missed them and they REALLY missed him. Then it tapered off and now it's only a phone call about once a week or every other. Then my husband got a job as a software engineer and he'd spend A LOT of time on the computer with work. But he always wanted me to be beside him. We had many discussions about it in the beginning and he wanted me to lay down on the couch and wait for him to go to bed instead of me going to bed alone. I didn't have any doubts that he was working.

If your friend has doubts or a gut feeling that it is something more and her husband is angry towards her when she expresses her feelings, then I'd start wondering what was up. How long has he been here? Ok I just saw that you posted he's been here for a couple of months. He may still be really missing home. I'd give it some more time and have her try giving him some space. He may realize he wants to be around her more than the computer once she's distanced herself from him. Might be worth a try?

Edited July 11, 2008 by nu7015

[brnidokiegurl 0]

couple months and i believe theres just not a meeting of the minds on this issue. I know for them friends and family are so important, where here we dont actually put that much into families unfortunatly the same way, its like he cant break the ties yet and feels she is trying tell him what to do now like a jail

[♥JP♥ 5]

My husband went through that. He used to talk to his family for hoursssssssssssss on the phone. After he started working, it started to dwindle down. I mean he was homesick and adjusting to a whole new life. Back home, families share all their experiances with each other. Its not as private as it is here. We would go places, do things, eat new things and he would be anxious to tell them what he did. This was probebly one of the hardest periods for where I had to dig deeeeeep down for some paitence.

On one hand I understood that he missed them and he was homesick, but on the other hand we had waited almost 2 years to see each other and I felt a bit neglected. But it all changed so fast. For us, it was definitly process. Once they start working, driving, etc., they no longer have time for that. When we first met, we spent hoursssss on the net with each other or the phone and as the months went by, those hours turned into minutes.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i felt this way to, once he gets job, more freedom more normal life it would slow down...hope they can talk and get it all together

[Nasturtium 500]

I think my Dh is much more or a loner (as loner as someone from MENA can be ) than others... he has called his family about once a month since he got here, although he went a 2,5 month stretch without calling at all-- and maybe 6 emails or so over the past year. He doesn't feel he has anything good to tell them yet and he is really made to feel down by them when he calls.. plus it's expensive so he rationalizes it as something that is unecessary. He said, though, if they didn't get visas at the end of this month he's going to go visit. He does really miss them, etc but he just deal differently-- it's sort of a silent, internal, crushing weight on him. That's his way of dealing, though.

The situation put forth seems to not be uncommon. Sometimes you kind of have to pry them out though-- I have a friend whose husband did that and refused to leave the house for almost 8 months while waiting for his EAD. Anyway, he finally managed to get out after she made him. It may be helpful to try to pry him away to something as simple as the grovery store-- just to try to get him out and functioning.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Wahrania.

before your husband was here you used to go off on anyone and everyone who discussed how difficult the adjustment was. You told us all that we had no right to complain because at least our husbands are here.

now you see that the adjustment IS difficult but you are going off on anyone and everyone who tries to tell you it will pass or give you any kind of support/suggestions on how to make it easier.

I think you have some kind of thing going on that no matter what it is, its harder for YOU and no one can understand or compare to your situation. Quit being a victim! yes, you have a lot on your plate but so do many many others on here. People are trying to help and be a friend to you but damn girl you make it hard!

Keep hanging in there and take care of yourself, between being pregnant in the hot summer and having to still work I am sure you are exhausted, but accept some suggestions and pep talks. Its gonna be ok and work itself out!

OMG....THANK YOU SARA Not to mention she used to call us all "nasty old hags" that had nothing better to do than to torment those still waiting for their spouses.

You gotta admit... this joint is alot friendlier and nicer than it used to be. People arent run off the boards in droves like they were a year ago. Most of the stalkers and harassers are either not posting or banned. Its ALOT MORE PLEASANT here than it used to be that for sure.

I never called Sara a nasty hag. Um. But if the broomstick fits, I am sure there are some that can ride on it LOL

Nothing has changed on this board at all. Everyone fights and that will continue to happen. It's the nature of this forum and it wasn't that long ago that you were in a long drawn out war with SarahAziz about who is more Algerian. As I recall, it wasn't very friendly either.

You called several people nasty old hags, I never singled out that you called Sara that. You referred to the women who had their mates here that way.

Um actually I think the person I called a nasty old hag didnt have her husband here and the whole thing happened because she was telling people they werent really married etc

And yes ,there ARE people here or were here who were horribly unkind to some of the posters. Most of my problems were things I said or opinions that I have held but there HAVE been people on here stalked OFF The boards who literally have either left completely because of it or caused alot of mental anguish because of it. There ARE people who post here under several different names as well as people who have been banned who have come back to bother other people. That is an inevitable truth.

I do believe that EVERYONE here has a unique experience to offer the other people here. I think we all have VERY DIFFERENT experiences both good and bad that can help other people either albeit post relationship ( Jackie) or in the relationship, immigration processes etc.

Pot/kettle, wahrania. You have spent plenty of time here being and saying what you claim to dislike. I've decided, based on your own attitude, that you enjoy stereotyping Arabs and being a sad sack victim, and actually resent anyone who either doesn't apeal to that desire in you, or doesn't see themselves in the same way. This thread is just another excuse for you to do the same old/same old and it's way past old.

[Staashi 371]

You think you got problems (outside of pregnancy)? Try having to explain to your spouse's family why your president is destroying their country, why your army is occupying their country, why they have lost EVERYTHING because of a war they didn't start or want. My husband's family only has what they could carry with them. It is a miracle I ever got them to except me. As far as background goes, I really don't agree with you. My husband and his family have been through a lot more than you can ever imagine, but they keep their pride and respect. Despite him seeing countless dead bodies on the street, watching friends get blown up, watching store owners clean someone's brains off their store sign as if it is an every day event, my husband keeps his sense of humor, his love, and his respect. He had never been allowed to surf the internet prior to 2003 and countless other adjustments he has made over the last few years as he moves around. Yet him and his family treated me with the utmost respect and care when I visited. They are open to the fact I have a different culture. My husband keeps an open mind to everything I tell him even if he doesn't agree with it. Every man is different. Each man will have to adjust in his own individual way regardless of how they were raised or where they came from. I don't insult my husband's country or his way of life. That is not fair to him. I respect our differences and remain open to different ways of doing things. Iraq may be a mess right now, but that doesn't mean there aren't perfectly good people in it. I cannot imagine bashing my husband's country over the internet for things he cannot help.

Be grateful your husband has the option to go back to his country and visit family. Try to see the bright side of things and stop making so many excuses for his adjustment. Just let it happen and be patient. You chose the man you would marry for better or worse. You knew where he came from and what his background was so any adjustments he has to make should have been obvious. I am sorry for your troubles and hope they do get better, especially because you are pregnant and need his love and patience too.

Bless you S and S...I can't imagine how hard this must be for you or your husband. It is so difficult to be at war, and more so in a war that is highly suspect and questionable and to try to deal with your in-laws...I would want to apologize all the time.

Good luck to you and your husband...may his homeland know peace soon. God Bless.

[S and S 12]

You think you got problems (outside of pregnancy)? Try having to explain to your spouse's family why your president is destroying their country, why your army is occupying their country, why they have lost EVERYTHING because of a war they didn't start or want. My husband's family only has what they could carry with them. It is a miracle I ever got them to except me. As far as background goes, I really don't agree with you. My husband and his family have been through a lot more than you can ever imagine, but they keep their pride and respect. Despite him seeing countless dead bodies on the street, watching friends get blown up, watching store owners clean someone's brains off their store sign as if it is an every day event, my husband keeps his sense of humor, his love, and his respect. He had never been allowed to surf the internet prior to 2003 and countless other adjustments he has made over the last few years as he moves around. Yet him and his family treated me with the utmost respect and care when I visited. They are open to the fact I have a different culture. My husband keeps an open mind to everything I tell him even if he doesn't agree with it. Every man is different. Each man will have to adjust in his own individual way regardless of how they were raised or where they came from. I don't insult my husband's country or his way of life. That is not fair to him. I respect our differences and remain open to different ways of doing things. Iraq may be a mess right now, but that doesn't mean there aren't perfectly good people in it. I cannot imagine bashing my husband's country over the internet for things he cannot help.

Be grateful your husband has the option to go back to his country and visit family. Try to see the bright side of things and stop making so many excuses for his adjustment. Just let it happen and be patient. You chose the man you would marry for better or worse. You knew where he came from and what his background was so any adjustments he has to make should have been obvious. I am sorry for your troubles and hope they do get better, especially because you are pregnant and need his love and patience too.

Bless you S and S...I can't imagine how hard this must be for you or your husband. It is so difficult to be at war, and more so in a war that is highly suspect and questionable and to try to deal with your in-laws...I would want to apologize all the time.

Good luck to you and your husband...may his homeland know peace soon. God Bless.

Thankyou Stashi, I appreciate your kind words. I will say they don't blame the general American public. They see all the anti-war protests in America on the news. It is just that they ask me why I think this is happening and my opinion. What can I say? I really for so bad for their losses.

[doodlebugg 10]

If he's been here only a few months I don't think I'd worry about him spending a lot of time on the computer talking to family. My sisters in law are too timid to walk into a cafe and use skype, though they did it once to talk and see him. Instead he calls them every morning for about five minutes to hear their voices. He did talk for about an hour a day at first to a few friends but I think that was just the first week. After that a friend-dynamic change thing happened and now he basically just talks to one friend in Egypt about once/week on the computer but the rest of the time he's on the phone talking with his best friend that he grew up with who lives now in Canada. Our phone service is such that it's a free call so he can sometimes talk for hours with him but if I want him to watch a movie with me or do something else he gets right off the phone. It gives him comfort to 1) talk to someone in arabic, 2) talk to someone he's known since he was 4 yrs old and 3) talk to someone who has gone through the transition of moving away from everything he knew to live in America, albeit Canada.

Sometimes it's difficult to try to make him understand that Canada is not the United States though in terms of how things are done, but all in all that relationship has been a blessing to us both since it has taught him and prepared him for life over here.

[AlHayatZween 2]

Back to the topic now, many do have hard times adjusting. My husband has compared the US to Morocco many times. I don't let it bug me because he is just homesick. And he has stated many time how much better Moroccan women are than American women. Then the next sentence he tells me that Moroccan women are mean little bioches. It's just his mood and I usually blow it off.

Now for telling you that you look average. I can understand how that made you feel. I have always been very good at keeping up my hair and makeup so that I look nice. But last spring we started a major project in our home and this went on for 9 months. I found myself getting up early every weekend to work on the project, not bothering with my hair and makeup. Lets just say I didn't look the same as normal. He did mention that he wish I would put more effort back on my looks, at which I replied "fine, then I will let you finish this yourself while I make myself pretty". Let's just say, point taken.

interesting...

my hubbie gets all upset if i wear make-up (make-up for me is mascara and fruity lip gloss). and once in Rabat, he flipped out in the street because he saw i was wearing "sexy shoes".

i hope he continues to be that way, though, because it would stress me out if i had to worry about make-up and stuff... !

i hope he doesn't get spoiled by the mass-media's version of "pretty" and all that kind of stuff...

[crazyinEgypt 0]

Wow, reading over this makes me realize my husband isn't the only crazy arab. Within the last 6 months my husband contantly comments on how hard it is here in America and that things are much easier in Egypt. I told him to go back if he feels that way.

[crazyinEgypt 0]

If he's been here only a few months I don't think I'd worry about him spending a lot of time on the computer talking to family. My sisters in law are too timid to walk into a cafe and use skype, though they did it once to talk and see him. Instead he calls them every morning for about five minutes to hear their voices. He did talk for about an hour a day at first to a few friends but I think that was just the first week. After that a friend-dynamic change thing happened and now he basically just talks to one friend in Egypt about once/week on the computer but the rest of the time he's on the phone talking with his best friend that he grew up with who lives now in Canada. Our phone service is such that it's a free call so he can sometimes talk for hours with him but if I want him to watch a movie with me or do something else he gets right off the phone. It gives him comfort to 1) talk to someone in arabic, 2) talk to someone he's known since he was 4 yrs old and 3) talk to someone who has gone through the transition of moving away from everything he knew to live in America, albeit Canada.

Sometimes it's difficult to try to make him understand that Canada is not the United States though in terms of how things are done, but all in all that relationship has been a blessing to us both since it has taught him and prepared him for life over here.

I find it odd that they insist on being on the computer at all hours. Honesly, I'm wondering some things myself. He'll be on the computer for the entire day on his days off and when I'm on it for 15 minutes he wants to know what I'm doing, who I'm talking to (no one) and if I'm checking on him. I asked him if he was nervous about something!

[Jenn! 918]

Posts have been removed. I don't see that going anywhere good.

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[RAKASA 0]

Posts have been removed. I don't see that going anywhere good.

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Glad I got my reading in before the deletion!

[brnidokiegurl 0]