How is your spouse adjusting

[SaadBell 0]

I wish I had words of wisdom to give you, I can only imagine how hard it is. My husband has lived in America so he knows the deal, he is independent and can cook and clean for himself, and loves to brag on his cooking skills. My situation is different where my husband is the one that has the money, not me, he owns and drives a car. Right now he is in Egypt selling a home, getting the renters out. So I think it makes a really big difference, I can’t imagine him looking for me to help him. OMG, he knows he would be in a big mess, I am as useful as a ####### on a bull lol, he has the brains also. Not sure how good his English is, that also is hard, my husband is an English teacher so again helps so much. I know when I first lived in Germany I hated it, complained days on end of how I missed America, but after the first year, I started to enjoy Germany and years later, cried like a baby cause I went back to America. So it takes time, and with the new baby on the way it is a lot of pressure for you both. Is there anything he likes about America, maybe play that up a little while, but I think time is our greatest friend. As far as the comments, I think men period sometimes put their foot in their mouth. I know one time I had my hair all done all straightened, and it takes hours to get it like this, my husband’s comment was what is this new thing with your hair? Then I go you like it, and he says NO, just like when I was putting some make up on and he just stares and watches and then I turn around and say how does it look, he gets a face, and says awful. Lol I never wear makeup and my hair is long so I pull it up all the time, so he just likes it like that. So don’t take that too personal, sometimes I think my husband just feels really comfortable with me so he is very honest. He does always start out with now don’t get angry, but, this is my way of knowing something is coming. Lol

[S and S 12]

My husband is from a war torn country. He used to have everything he needed when he was young. His family did really well until the sanctions were put on Iraq in the 1990s. Then his family slowly became poor. There was one year they lived mostly off potatoes. He said he reached the point he would just say he is not hungry. He started college and barely had the bus money to get there, sometimes he didn't have the money and had to walk miles to get to school. Him and his brothers rotated their shirts and avoided each other at school so no one would know how bad off they were.

Then 2003 hit and things changed again. He began living with almost no electricity, very bad water, and constant violence. He was used to his city being clean and taken care of. He was used to people dressing western being common. He was used to not being persecuted for which kind of muslim he was. All of the sudden driving somewhere could result in your death if you came to the wrong check point ran by a militia that didn't like your name. He finally got the advantage of internet and a chance to earn money which hadn't been easy during the sanctions, but he risked his life just to finish college.

Then he had to finally flee Iraq alltogether when he was given a letter with 24 hours to leave or he would be killed. This forced him to leave his country for the first time ever. He was depressed in Syria. It was still the middle east, but it had its differences. His living standards were lower because he had no income and had to survive as a refugee not allowed to work. His family had owned a good house in Iraq that they had built and designed with modern western and eastern bathrooms. In Syria everything was different. I remember him comparing Iraq and Syria though he always was thankful Syria at least gave him a safe place to stay. While there he had only his brother and was seperated from his family for a year. He couldn't cook anything but eggs and his cleaning skills were lacking. I arrived to that mess when I came to marry him. To his credit he and his brother worked for two days cleaning the apartment so it wasn't too bad. Yet the apartment was well below the standard of what he was used to and definitely far below what I was used to (thank God I am very adaptable and my father took me camping enough I can rough it anywhere). Since he would not let me use my money we survived for the month I was there on what little money we had. I was forced to use a rustic kitchen with no oven. We bought what little food he could afford and I just threw whatever together I could. He was happy with whatever I made because it was still more than he had eaten in months due to his lack of cooking skills. In thanks to that he would make me breakfast with his improved egg cooking skills and added fresh bread and cut up tomatoes. To the shock of his family he even ironed my pants once (I brought the iron with me) and he hand washed my clothes to my horror and objections. Later I found out he is lazy and never helped his mother or sisters once. I found out he never even gets himself something to drink. On the second visit I had to take pictures of him cooking just to prove to his family that he really did those things. He says they still use those pictures against him, lol.

Later he moved on to Jordan and finally reunited with is family. Then he had to adjust to a more expensive country and more cultural differences. In both Syria and Jordan he complained the Iraqi vegetables and bread were so much better. I just laugh because I kept thinking I prefered the bread in America and didn't really see the difference (they once bought some Iraqi bread for me from one of the few shops ran by an Iraqi). As for vegetables, I really don't know, so I can't compare and know what he is talking about. In both these countries he had to relearn their public transportation, dialects, ways of doing things, how to get around, etc. It may still be the middle east, but he has been forced to learn new places and ways of life. He also had to experience what it is like to be away from nearly all his family for long periods of time. He has no desire to return to Iraq until there is peace (hopefully in our kids lifetime).

We are both high strung and we can both be layed back. Sometimes one or both of us gets in the mood for a fight. Believe me, we can draw a fight out and we drag everything into it. It is like our own personal Iraq/American war, lol. At first we were hurt by all we said, now we get over it quickly and become loving and doting once again. We generally know which buttons not to push (unless we want to). He is romantic and does so many little things for me. He had a cake made for me when I first came to Syria that had "I love you (insert name)" in arabic when I arrived (I can read arabic well and he knew this). He sent me flowers once all the way in America. He spent a full month working on getting an online pre-paid credit card and coordinating with my dad so that I would have flowers waiting on me one day when I got home from work. I was so suprised and couldn't believe how he actually ordered them thousands of miles away. He has made nice attempts at writing poetry in english for me that I find so sweet. His family celebrates their birthdays with parties (even now with their situation) so it upsets him that he has missed two of mine since we got married. I know when he comes we will fight, because we do that just as part of our personalities, but I also know we will have many sweet moments and I will work on him learning house things here in America. It will just take longer to teach him the ropes and motivate him.

I will be interested to report how things are for us and his adjustment after he is here. I really appreciate reading what others have had to say.

[tammy2688 1]

Tina, men never understand women. Most never do and never will. He will slowly learn the things you like and dislike, it will be ok soon. The gift thing is just guys don't always understand and the average thing, well depends on who you are comparing. If you comparing to actresses, we are all average but obviously he will never doubt his wife is beautiful. I am sure things will get better. You just wait, by next year he will have adjusted to you and this US and it be a lot smoother.

Tammy

Edited July 10, 2008 by tammy2688

[Donna A 4]

well all i can say is be happy he got u the flowers, mine dont buy me anything for anything unless i ask and whats a gift if u have to ask for it? i thought he would catch on when i was buying him things for birthday, anniversary, christmas, valentines day...but he didnt.

i asked him one time to bring me some bangle bracelets from syria and even gave him the measurment that i wanted...he got them bigger and they fall off my arm so i cant wear them. he felt this was a gift...helllloooooo if i ask u to stop at the store and bring milk is that a gift? he just dont get it.

finally after 4 long years of getting nothing...he braught me finally somehting from syria this last december without me asking. a cute little nighty (i think that was more for him then me)that was too small darn it...and a ipod, which i dont have a clue how to download music to cuz its a generic one...guess i should stick to not getting gifts cuz that backfired.

[S and S 12]

I wonder if that is just a trait of some men to not get gifts rather than being a MENA thing because my husband really tries to get me gifts, even if they aren't big ones. The only thing I ever asked for was a stuffed animal (I told him to pick one he liked) and he got me a stuffed dog. It was an inside joke because he keeps telling me he will get a dog to deal with my cat! Anyway, I think some men are just not good at those things.

[Nasturtium 500]

I wonder if that is just a trait of some men to not get gifts rather than being a MENA thing because my husband really tries to get me gifts, even if they aren't big ones. The only thing I ever asked for was a stuffed animal (I told him to pick one he liked) and he got me a stuffed dog. It was an inside joke because he keeps telling me he will get a dog to deal with my cat! Anyway, I think some men are just not good at those things.

I believe gift giving is a somewhat personal trait. There are cultural aspects to it of course... but... some epople jsut like giving things more than others, and some have different standards and more or less imagination than others.

[Jenn! 918]

We don't exchange gifts and that's just fine by me. If either of us needs something, we will buy it for ourselves or for each other, and we don't have to wait for a specific day. I'm also not a fan of flowers/chocolates/symbolic gifts anyway.

I do insist that we budget for birthday and Xmas gifts for my young siblings and cousins. But my personal feeling is that there are just too many adults and too many potential gifts - it can get OTT. We'll get gifts for lots of people if we come back from Morocco, or vice versa for his family. But to do birthdays and Xmas or other holiday gifts for everyone? I don't know how people afford it!

Ok, sorry, that was a tangent.

[AlHayatZween 2]

We don't exchange gifts and that's just fine by me. If either of us needs something, we will buy it for ourselves or for each other, and we don't have to wait for a specific day. I'm also not a fan of flowers/chocolates/symbolic gifts anyway.

I do insist that we budget for birthday and Xmas gifts for my young siblings and cousins. But my personal feeling is that there are just too many adults and too many potential gifts - it can get OTT. We'll get gifts for lots of people if we come back from Morocco, or vice versa for his family. But to do birthdays and Xmas or other holiday gifts for everyone? I don't know how people afford it!

Ok, sorry, that was a tangent.

oh my! the Grinch!

nah, i agree with you about Christmas and big families... it can be a stressor, especially because in my family, everyone already has everything they need!

[JeanneVictoria 55]

I consider myself blessed having a husband like mine. He's been here for almost 7 months and has had no problems adjusting to life in America. He started working 2 wks after arrival, has his own car and loves the American way of life. Sometimes he reminds me of a child in a candy store.....he sees amazement in everything here!! I love to see him talk with people when they ask him where he is from and wanting him to tell them all about Egypt. I know he misses his family and friends, but he always tells me that HERE is his home now!

Might sound a little strange, but I knew that he would love the states and all what America has. I hope he always will keep his sense of wonder and enjoy his new life. He truly is a wonderful man.

[mybackpages 0]

Thanks for your support.

I appreciate it and really, I don't feel offended by anyone here. I put it out there and I just getting people's honest opinions.

Please try to take care of yourself and not let anything stress you now given your medical condition. The most important thing is you and your baby. The one thing I am happy for is that his mother appreciates you and stands in your corner. That is gift when you marry into another culture since I have heard of many marriages having a lot of stress when the in-laws don't like the foreign wife.

My husband may be a little stuck in his ways...but he's good and he loves me.

It was only the subject of cultural differences and adjustment.

Also, like some others have said here....Differences can even be based on how your spouses family behaves/operates.

Sorry to chime in late on this. Months ago I posted a thread on culture shock that had a lot of good information. Just good the term and you will see so much of this is the normal stages of adjusting in a new environment. It' also good for the imigrant to read these articles because they are not always aware of why they are feeling what they are feeling.

Good luck!

[Aymsgirl 0]

I forgot to add to an earlier post that my husband and I hardly spoke at all the last few weeks he was at home. He was busy finishing up work and visiting relatives and friends. I just coughed this up as I have him for the rest of my life and let him say his goodbyes and see ya laters!

[Imua 0]

I can so much relate to the gift giving issue. My husband does not come from a gift giving family and in his culture it is not common for husbands and wives to give each other gifts. Last year I felt so sad because at that point he had not even given me a flower and didn't know how to let him know that this was important to me without sounding shallow and materialistic. He is basically earning no money of his own now so I do not want to make him feel bad. Finally one time I talked to him and explained to him why it was important to give little gifts and gestures, even if you have no money a flower which you pick by the side of the road or a handmade card is a treasure because it is from you and shows your love. I think finally he 'got it' - when we were trekking he would always pick flowers for me and one time he even caught a butterfly so I could get a closer look at it (not hurting it and then letting it go). The last week I was there he would go off mysteriously while I was getting ready and then later he would give me little surprises - a small statue of Ganesh, a beautiful pair of garnet earrings, etc. I let him know how much I appreciated everything - I think now he understands. His family do not celebrate birthdays but when I was there we celebrated his birthday with a simple family party and a cake - everybody loved it.

[chaishai 1]

got 2 more weeks and he'll be back. He swears he won't go back to Morocco for at least 4 years once he gets back home! He now can see Morocco after experiencing the US and sees so clearly the differences and how much better it is to live here. I don't think he'll be too hip on Morocco after this trip.

Dont be surprised if he does want to go back eventually. EVERY time we come back from israel, or if relatives leave from an extended visit to us my husband says that he doesnt want to go back or have them come back for years. He always forgets within 6 months and we plan another visit or someone else comes to visit.

[Nutty 2]

Thank you dear Tammy!

[Nutty 2]

Being called "average looking"

Let me explain:

When you are seperate months and months of loving, poetic email letters and phone calls with smoochy kissing are exchanged. A lot of attention is given to each other. But after he arrives, those love letters aren't translated verbally. The smoochy kissy noises aren't there either because the "daily phone call" has stopped.

Also, take into consideration, if you've been seperate a long time and your body has changed (in my case I am 15-20 pounds heavier).

Then it is your 43rd and you're feeling that number!

So, forgive me if I was fishing for a compliment, but given the circumstances....I just felt I needed one at the moment.