How is your spouse adjusting

[Jenn! 918]

All I have to say is don't hate on Mass.! There is a reason why COL is so high here...but I sure was glad about being here when Wadi first came.

To Nutty,

Like has been said here several times, everyone is different - there are so many variables it's really hard to compare. However, rest assured that adjustment issues are "normal" - not just for males from the Middle East and North Africa, but for anyone living in a new country. I know you know that.

As for the clinging to Iranian things, I think that will wear off some over time. But I do know that my Friends DVDs got a LOT of use when I was living in Italy - sometimes you just need something familiar.

As for the gifts and bluntness, those are personality/compatibility issues. Best to figure out how you two can compromise there.

[Ta Ta 1]

Being away from their own home land makes a lot of people want to put their country on a pedestal and hang on with every inch

to real or imagined home land bliss. Every little thing now becomes a connection to the way of life as they once knew it, sort of

like a widow idealizing her mean dead husband as a way to grieve ( I have 2 friends who do this, bicker and cuss throughout a terrible marriage and when their husbands died they had this illusion of a perfect marriage in order to cope.)

I left my country and became home sick sometimes and little things familiar drew me in.......no matter how small , it represented home.

Being blunt to a fault seems to be a European, Middle Eastern and African trait and often the same with giving gifts. Americans have a

unique style with tact and gift giving , not easy to understand for many foreigners.

Hang in there Nutty, he will get there eventually. He may be grieving the disconnection of everything that was familiar to him as a life style and environment.

[Nutty 2]

About the two dramas...I admit that initially I was surprised by the two occurances. When I asked about it my husband said in Iran men generally do not give their wives compliments. While here in the USA we tend to comment if someone looks nice. Secondly, was the acknowledgement of holidays and birthdays in his culture....it is not that big of a deal and in his family they don't celebrate birthdays. So it caused surprise because in our culture we acknowledge birthdays.

[doodlebugg 10]

Not to harp on this but I had toxemia with both children and never ever went on welfare. I don't know why that bothers me about the welfare comment but not everyone who lives in mass is on welfare!!! I do feel sorry for your situation though Wahrania and hope that it gets better soon.

[doodlebugg 10]

About the two dramas...I admit that initially I was surprised by the two occurances. When I asked about it my husband said in Iran men generally do not give their wives compliments. While here in the USA we tend to comment if someone looks nice. Secondly, was the acknowledgement of holidays and birthdays in his culture....it is not that big of a deal and in his family they don't celebrate birthdays. So it caused surprise because in our culture we acknowledge birthdays.

My husband doesn't celebrate his birthday either. His family actually only celebrates the Islamic holidays so that could be a religious thing. Giving a wife a compliment, well that I wouldn't think is cultural, but I don't know anyone from Iran who is married.

[Nutty 2]

That is funny and a good example of taking translation literally!!!!

It happens with my husband too!

[RAKASA 0]

For Wahrania:

As for us and adjustment - it was mostly a breeze.... he just got bored til he could find work. I really couldn't have asked for a more blessed situation w/ an amazing man for my husband and partner.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I always read these threads and never know what to say because our situation seems to be going so smoothly. So far so good!

It may be going smoothly now but you will have your moments sometime or another

Still waters run very deep

PS... you two may have had issues with one thing or another, but maybe Bridget you had good coping and planning skills to not allow things to go bad. You also may be an extremely organized person ( like planning out the bus and preparing for his arrival etc)

The other thing is you may have a very good natured laid back husband who just goes with the flow. Some of us have more combative or disagreeable husbands or maybe their nature is just not as easy going. Not every arab is going to take a bus pass and hop on the bus. Especially those that wouldnt ride the bus back home.It depends alot on the personality of the husband as to how things are working.

I have seen very quiet and well behaved husbands take an exit ticket out of the marriage once they got papers and the wives never knew what hit them because they never fought one time.

Each couple will have its level of commitment. Some will have all kinds of stuff going on and really love each other. Some have a more laid back dynamic. Some are some where in between.

I for one love reading the posts because you get to see all kinds of things

I am glad things are going so well for you. I am doing ok...I have had to compromise ALOT

I feel like you're mad that things are good with us and it's a little bit hurtful to add in there that some husband's skidaddle out when all was well. Not every single marriage with an Arab is alike. They cannot be generalized like that. Sure some adjustments will be the same, like buying more pita bread or making more ethnic foods, etc. but aside from that stuff each man is a man no matter if they're Chinese, French, Russian or Arab.

My husband is very laid back. He goes into Boston everyday and applies to about 3 places in person and then when he's back home applies to another 20 online. When they say no thank you he used to get depressed but I'd just pep-talk him that night and off he'd go again the next day. He loves to garden now and my sister comes over when she has her days off and gives him more cuts from her garden to plant.

I'm also very very laid back as well. Maybe that's the key? I dunno. I have fought with him on three occasions since he's been here but each time it was due to his not having the a/c on in a muggy 95 degree day and my coming home hot and hormonal. Those three times lasted maybe 1/2 hour though 'cause I'd just take a cold shower, literally, and we'd kiss and make up.

He's never once compared women in Egypt to women in the US. He's never complained about a thing that I've done other than to mention two bad meals which I agreed were just terrible. lol.

I don't know what to say. maybe I just got lucky but to insinuate that it will indeed turn sour at some point is just not nice, though I'll give you a pass since you're going through a lot.

With preclampsia shouldn't you be on at least partial bedrest now? I had toxemia and I had to fight with my doctor to let me work 20hours/week since I was the main breadwinner at the time. I hope you feel better soon.

Like I said HE IS A VERY LAID BACK GUY. This is not the norm that there are NEVER problems and things are always perfect. Its kind of like kids. One kid could have colic 24 hours a day , the next sleep through the night. I think how they adjust has a tremendous amount to do with the SPOUSE'S attitude. If he is repeatedly applying for jobs, easily taking the bus without complaint and never compares you to people back home, you have a JEWEL. All I can say is maybe your are either extremely lucky or like I said, you really planned for him to be here.

Also, You are in a major metropolitan area with an EXTREMELY easy to navigate public transport system . Some of us have to walk 2 miles to a bus that comes once every hour or more

About my pre eclampsia. I work a 1099 job . I am my own boss. I not only DO NOT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, I also have no rights about employment nor do I get ANY MONEY if I dont work. I dont have an employer per se although I get paid. Also MASS is a state where they give lots of medical coverage as well as having a great school system and public welfare system and public transport system. I live in Florida , the land of no unions, crappy public transport full of tourists wandering around.Your doctor could put you on bedrest and someone would care and give you time off. I have no where to turn because this is a right to work state with no rights for pregnant women as far as freebies

I just think its a little polly anna for us to compare how they adjust because of all the variables. My husband cannot easily get ANYWHERE by himself because the buses are next to impossible to navigate even for us locals,especially in 100 percent humidity and 90 degree heat .

We are all in COMPLETELY different situations, with different economic situations ( we have had this discussion on the boards etc. ) Some of us make 80,000 a year. Some make 10,000 . Some have co sponsors. I just think so many factors factor in in adjusting... A wife making a ton of money has got to help in the adjustments ( I dont know what you make so I dont know)

It doesnt make it easy that I am the sole support of my family and very sick... Laid back would really help but I didnt get that lucky.. Its no reflection on you.

Its just that you cant compare because you dont know all the variable.s

That is very true. I even compare our situation and say geez it would be sooo much easier if we lived in NYC 'cause then finding work for him wouldn't be so hard.

I do make a very very good living and don't need his income at all so that helps a LOT.

I have to make a correction though, it was hard the second week he was here because I had my tubal ligation reversed and could barely function. I totally blocked that week out of my mind and I'm sorry. That week SUCKED. LOL. He went from having his sisters wait on him hand and foot to having to live with a wife would could barely walk for a few days. I expected him to cook and clean. hahahahahahahaha. He *did* step up to the plate on like day 3 after we got home from the surgery but that was after a lot of bickering and a lot of promising on my part NEVER to tell anyone that he did the dishes or cooked etc. That was actually a nice thing even though it was hard because now he's more willing to do things when I'm tired, etc. and the chores are pretty much 50/50 with him taking the harder tasks.

You are right we're all in different situations so it's not easy to compare. I hope things get better for everyone!

Mine mopped and swept the floor and then closed the curtains and told me NEVER to tell anyone he ever helped me PERIOD. I told his mom he washed the floor and she started hysterically laughing and told me to tell him WASH THE FLOOR AGAIN> She is getting a kick out of all his complaints ( she has been living in Europe for 6 years and knows very well how different life is for women in the west and back home) Needless to say she is NOT too sympathetic to him.

I do wish I lived in Mass. It seems so damn cultural and civilised

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Not to harp on this but I had toxemia with both children and never ever went on welfare. I don't know why that bothers me about the welfare comment but not everyone who lives in mass is on welfare!!! I do feel sorry for your situation though Wahrania and hope that it gets better soon.

NOOOOOOOOO

We know they dont. We just know its so damn good up there WITH WELFARE and social services. I literally know 2 people who moved from Florida to Mass just to go to a homeless shelter up there so they could get a free apartment. ( A girl down the street from me with 2 kids) New York has a much better system too. If you get sick in Florida or lose your job, you are OUT OF LUCK. We have very few unions here. Everything is a free for all as far as benefits and pay.

An ultrasound tech for example can make 25 here a year and well over 60. Yeah they cant maybe buy a house in Mass but rents are comparable and there is alot more benefits and protecion. They even HAVE to cover infertility up there...

[Muh and me 18]

I think the adjustment has been hard here on both of us because we are both so head strong and i expect him to understand and vice versa. I want him to celebrate my birthday, and i didn't even get a card until the next day. We married on his birthday even tho he don't celbrate his birthday he can't forget our aniversery. but i want to learn more about islamic holidays and he is not so eager about teaching.

[Nutty 2]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. And I agree with all that you said.

Initially, it was your post about the feeling a little low before your hubby comes that got me thinking on this matter.

I am not saying that things are horrible or terrible. Or that I am completely let down or disappointed by the two minor issues that popped up. But there are some things that will surprise you and when it is discussed you find out there are layers of cultural differences that need to be addressed.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. And I agree with all that you said.

Initially, it was your post about the feeling a little low before your hubby comes that got me thinking on this matter.

I am not saying that things are horrible or terrible. Or that I am completely let down or disappointed by the two minor issues that popped up. But there are some things that will surprise you and when it is discussed you find out there are layers of cultural differences that need to be addressed.

We had one fight because I slept on the sofa after watching a show and he thought I abandoned our marital bed ( NO I AM NOT KIDDING)

We had another fight when he missed jumah because my bible beating friend came by and wanted a drink and lunch ( he thought she was prostelytising to him)

We had another fight when I didnt make the bed right away after I washed the sheets, another when I left the dishes on the table to wash the next morning. Women over there clean up right away and dont leave messes. BUT THEY ARENT WORKING 40 hour weeks with kids and daycare and bills EITHER

[Nutty 2]

Thanks for your support.

I appreciate it and really, I don't feel offended by anyone here. I put it out there and I just getting people's honest opinions.

Please try to take care of yourself and not let anything stress you now given your medical condition. The most important thing is you and your baby. The one thing I am happy for is that his mother appreciates you and stands in your corner. That is gift when you marry into another culture since I have heard of many marriages having a lot of stress when the in-laws don't like the foreign wife.

My husband may be a little stuck in his ways...but he's good and he loves me.

It was only the subject of cultural differences and adjustment.

Also, like some others have said here....Differences can even be based on how your spouses family behaves/operates.

[doodlebugg 10]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. And I agree with all that you said.

Initially, it was your post about the feeling a little low before your hubby comes that got me thinking on this matter.

I am not saying that things are horrible or terrible. Or that I am completely let down or disappointed by the two minor issues that popped up. But there are some things that will surprise you and when it is discussed you find out there are layers of cultural differences that need to be addressed.

We had one fight because I slept on the sofa after watching a show and he thought I abandoned our marital bed ( NO I AM NOT KIDDING)

We had another fight when he missed jumah because my bible beating friend came by and wanted a drink and lunch ( he thought she was prostelytising to him)

We had another fight when I didnt make the bed right away after I washed the sheets, another when I left the dishes on the table to wash the next morning. Women over there clean up right away and dont leave messes. BUT THEY ARENT WORKING 40 hour weeks with kids and daycare and bills EITHER

roflmaooooo..... on Sunday apparently I must have said that I'd be changing the sheets. Well I didn't and on Monday I came home and saw that there were no sheets on the bed. I was hot, tired, the kids had just come home after being away for a week and I had tons of wet bathing suits/towels to clean. When it was time for bed I slept on the mattress. LOL. I didn't make a huge fuss though.

him: why are you sleeping on the mattress?

me: there's no sheets on the bed.

him: I thought they were going to be changed

me: you mean after cooking dinner, doing the camp laundry, packing lunches and attempting to cool off after coming home to a house that's 110 degrees because *someone* didn't put the a/c on? <insert *the look* and roll over>

last night the sheets were not only back on but he cleaned them!

[Nutty 2]

We had one fight because I slept on the sofa after watching a show and he thought I abandoned our marital bed ( NO I AM NOT KIDDING)

We had another fight when he missed jumah because my bible beating friend came by and wanted a drink and lunch ( he thought she was prostelytising to him)

We had another fight when I didnt make the bed right away after I washed the sheets, another when I left the dishes on the table to wash the next morning. Women over there clean up right away and dont leave messes. BUT THEY ARENT WORKING 40 hour weeks with kids and daycare and bills EITHER

Hey, that happened to me too! I fell asleep on the couch and he looked so dejected the next morning.