Can crimes prevent removing of conditions?

[NickD 202]

There are boards that deal with sexual abuse issues and this is not one of them. Never said that sexual abuse was not to be taken lightly, it's a very serious crime where immigration in this instance is of a secondary nature.

If I am entitled to any sort of opinion on this subject, feel this is not the board to discuss such matters, this is an immigration board, not a sexual abuse board. And sure the USCIS will take appropriate action depending on the outcome of your case. And such outcomes are best dealt with a competent immigration attorney.

And again regarding immigration, if it's learned that your husband is indeed a pedophile, do you really want him hanging around?

Again, you don't have to answer that.

[venusfire503 54]

Hugs for you. It's a really big topic, tragic. I know you were asking for information about removing conditions. It's a bit early for that perhaps. I know you're concerned about that, but wait until this huge mess has been straightened out. Take time for you, and your kids right now. Don't worry about blaming anyone. Let the professionals find out what happened. They're trained to do so. The best thing you can do right now, is to take care of you and your family. I hope you have a girlfriend that can lend support. You need a lot of support right now, and I'm sorry if you feel I was beating you down. It was not my intention. Slow down...take it a day at a time...be kind to yourself...talk about removing conditions later.

Thank you so much for this post, and the PM. I am letting the professionals find out.

It's hard to deal with all of this. I love both my daughter and my husband, and on top of it feel like I'm under a microscope, and being attacked from 'both sides' - people who have been abused, and people who have been falsely accused. Like I mentioned earlier, I've seen what happens in both cases. I had my children taken from me, and had to tell my husband to leave so I could get them back. I also had to get scrutinized by the social worker this morning (worth it - the kids are back home now), which was not pleasant. I'm trying to emotionally support them both right now - I don't want to chose sides.

I was hurt by the comments from NickD, but later it occured to me that maybe he was the victim of false accusations in the past, or was tricked into making false accusations when he was a child, or maybe has reasons to be overly sensitive when he thinks someone is just trying to discard someone they brought here. I've heard that happens. Anyway, I didn't put my daughter up to anything. I was totally blindsided when she said what she did. I love my husband very much, and only something like harming my children would make me send him away. NickD, if you were being a jerk, then shame on you. If this situation opens emotional wounds for you, then my sincere apologies.

Carlawarla, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh to you. I've had to be so strong for everyone around me, my future is uncertain, and I haven't been able to sleep or eat for about a week now. I missed my kids, and now I miss my husband. No matter what the outcome, this whole situation will have quite a bit of fallout, and my finances will be drained. My family will take a long long time to recover, and there will likely be permanent damages. This is very stressful and depressing.

Anyway, the reason I'm focusing (and just on VJ, by the way) on the immigration issue is so I can brace myself for what could happen. I would hope that if he's innocent, it won't ruin his residency. I would also hope that a woman would not be responsible for supporting a man (and for quite a long time) if he molests her daughter. Does that make sense?

Also, sometimes I just need to look in another direction and focus on some other aspect of this. It's partly curiosity. Mainly a coping mechanism.

[venusfire503 54]

There are boards that deal with sexual abuse issues and this is not one of them. Never said that sexual abuse was not to be taken lightly, it's a very serious crime where immigration in this instance is of a secondary nature.

If I am entitled to any sort of opinion on this subject, feel this is not the board to discuss such matters, this is an immigration board, not a sexual abuse board. And sure the USCIS will take appropriate action depending on the outcome of your case. And such outcomes are best dealt with a competent immigration attorney.

And again regarding immigration, if it's learned that your husband is indeed a pedophile, do you really want him hanging around?

Again, you don't have to answer that.

Well, that was part of my frustration - I was trying to focus on getting an answer to my question about removing conditions, and everyone else seemed to be trying to pry information about the situation out of me, and take sides.

I do need to know if I'm required to report anything now or anytime soon. We did know and remember to send in a change of address form for him when we moved, for instance. We're not due to file to remove conditions until next year. Do I need to do anything before then?

I know people have their opinions on what I should do, think, or focus on right now. I think I'm the only one who has the right to decide what's right for me and my situation.

Of course I don't want anyone abusing my daughter. My husband does not have any contact now with any of my children, so they're safe in any case. But I don't want to condemn him without any proof either (imagine the effect on my marriage if I turned my back on him and then he was cleared of any wrongdoing).

I made the mistake of posting when I was too stressed and too tired. I was attempting to be as neutral as possible, and just provide enough information to give an accurate picture to people so they could answer my questions. I didn't want someone assuming he was accused of a level 3 offense, since I expect that would have a different outcome than the misdemeanor she accused him of. He hasn't been arrested or detained. From what I was told today, no charges have been filed against him, and the case hasn't even been turned over to the police. Social services is still investigating and deciding if the case has enough merit to pursue it with the police department. That wasn't explained to me before.

I'm only trying to get straight answers about what to expect. It's something I feel the need to do. I just replied to another post and will repeat this part. If he's innocent, I want to know what impact if any this will have on his status. If he's guilty, could I be stuck financially supporting him long term?

By the way, you sound like a completely different person in this post.

[AussieDude 0]

On immigration matters:

* You don't have to do anything until the time comes to remove conditions as far as I know. The only things you inform USCIS, before removal of conditions is an address change, as far I know

* If he's innocent, and is not charged/convicted/detained/etc, you won't have to do anything different

* If he's charged, but later acquitted (for whatever reason), you will have to report it, but may not weigh as heavily on the removal of conditions

* If he's charged and found guilty, he will most likely not be able to remove his conditions, and probably will have to leave the country once his conditional status expires. In this case, you probably won't be financially liable for him once he's left the country

This is my opinion of course, and should not count as legal advice.

[bhajishah 4]

get an immigration attorney to help you notify them b4 they find out on thier own. when applying for AOS be truthful. if it is not a felony it should be allright..

[NickD 202]

Could let it rest at that that I am both a jerk and a pedophile but perhaps an explanation is desirable as to why I introduced a notion that the accuser can just as well be the culprit, intentionally or none intentionally to add to that statement.

With a wonderful family and four kids, phone rings, ex-wife's mom calls, her uncle died, he has visited us many times in the past. At the funeral, she screams out that this uncle sexually abused her where all can hear and also claimed this uncle also abused her sister and cousin, all about the same age. Uncle is dead and cannot defend himself, but led to an investigation that lasted over a year. Nothing was found, ex-wife underwent psychiatric care for about a year, seem to stablilzed but severed all relations with her side of the family, we even had another child.

Then out of the clear blue sky she takes our one year old baby to the clinic, I was at work at the time and claims our 13 year old son was sexually abusing our baby girl. What mess, doctors could see no signs of abuse, son claimed he was innocent, back to the social workers and police coming over again, this just about ruined my son's life, but he was found innocent, but still that distrust in the family, then she accuses our ten year old son of that, this is way too much. If a kid didn't follow her every wish, he was a sexual abuser, but this time she really got violent and I had to call the police. They put in in a state mental institution at a cost to me at 300 bucks a day for over three months and this time diagnosed as a Schizophrenia, after that, she was locked up in half way home for another two years. The only thing I was every accused of was having affairs with my workers.

Nevertheless, married her for better for worse, she was sick and needed care, but that didn't last long either, she came back home, quiet and doped up on lithium and I had the fortune, didn't think so at the time of being hit by a drunken driver. In a complete mess, she applied for a divorce the very next day. She kidnapped that baby daughter that was 12 years old already, I didn't press charges, but got my daughter back and after a bit of a court battle, got full physical custody of the remaining three minor children. Was wise enough to make a deal for a one time payoff in alimony, but with our wonderful no-fault divorce laws, she still got half of everything plus the alimony. I worked extra hard for eight years with physical therapy on the side and paid off all those huge debts, and my kids became adults now all through college. A year after that, I met my wife and we dated for over two years before getting married, but she was from a foreign country. God I love that woman.

The thing is, an incident like this can change your entire life, I do feel sympathy for you, you do not know whom to trust and where to turn. There is also a stigma every present when faced with a situation like this and with a second marriage, while you may love and cherish your spouse, what do your children feel about him?

That was certainly on my mind as my wife had a 12 year old daughter, our relationship was just as important as my relationship with my wife and my step daughter just wasn't use to having a dad. Perhaps with hearing the word pedophile a zillion times, I was too straight laced at first, but my wife encouraged me to give her a hug at night and a kiss on the forehead, she needed that security. I taught her how to drive, got her a car, helped her with her homework, and as a family we took trips together in our motorhome. Like a typical mother and daughter they got along like cats and dogs. When she turned 18 decided to move out and live with a girlfriend, that didn't last long, after two months was back home again. We both tried to get her to enroll into college, but she wouldn't have any part of that. Finally after a year of working at minimum wage jobs, she got the message and is enrolled this fall. She is spending the summer in her home country with her grandmother, ha, I am hoping she meets a guy and gets married.

With drugs, alcohol, and teenage pregnancy, it's a nightmare to raise a child with good moral standards, can't tell you how happy I was on her 18th birthday, we made it! Now she has to learn to be responsible for herself. But this bit on sexual abuse, that is terrible and a person really has to be sick to indulge in such a thing. But you cannot have a family without trust, and that is the most difficult thing and it's also not easy to bring a group of people together in a second marriage. My kids love my new wife and her family loves me, that really helps in a relationship as family members can also break up a relationship. And my motheri-n-law loves me as to how I raised her granddaughter to become a responsible person. But I am at the stage now where I would just like to spend time with my wife.

Sexual harassment and abuse has become such a major issue recently, gets to the point where a guy is afraid to even glance at a woman as the penalties are severe. Then there is the issue of using it as revenge just as there is an issue of sexual abuse actually taking place. Why isn't Woody Allen locked up?

Ironically when I solemnly vowed never to get married again, besides meeting my wife, also met a woman with a 13 year old son that was far more attractive to me, the son, not the woman. But there was sure magic between my wife and myself even with the thought of another daughter. I also understand it's not easy for a woman with kids to find a good man, not even implying that I am a good man, have to ask my wife and daughter about that.

You have issues in either trusting your husband or daughter or maybe it nothing at all. Unfortunately, this stuff takes time and a lot of patience, and you have to learn to live with it, it can't be rushed. And not to introduce yet another factor, can also be a form of mental chemical imbalance as they call that today. Then there is also the ex factor, is he still around, and do your kids wish he was still their father? There are many factors involved, and again you don't have to answer any of those questions to strangers on this board. And equally not good to read posts from other peoples experience as every situation is different. You have to look deep into your own relationships with your husband and your children and also how they are reacting to each other, nobody can tell you that. It's a tough position to be in, life is hard enough with high taxes, ,energy prices, work, things around the house falling apart, and making sure your kids are staying out of trouble and getting decent grades in school. And getting supper on the table.

Really wonderful to have a family that can both work and play together. As much as I loved my wife, her getting full physical custody of her daughter was equally important to me with an understanding about visitation rights, but he has no interest in his daughter and was very anxious to sign over all rights for freedom of having to pay child support. Plus he is 5,000 miles away, and his daughter has no interest in him, but she is showing interest now, and that is perfectly fine with me.

[venusfire503 54]

On immigration matters:

* You don't have to do anything until the time comes to remove conditions as far as I know. The only things you inform USCIS, before removal of conditions is an address change, as far I know

* If he's innocent, and is not charged/convicted/detained/etc, you won't have to do anything different

* If he's charged, but later acquitted (for whatever reason), you will have to report it, but may not weigh as heavily on the removal of conditions

* If he's charged and found guilty, he will most likely not be able to remove his conditions, and probably will have to leave the country once his conditional status expires. In this case, you probably won't be financially liable for him once he's left the country

This is my opinion of course, and should not count as legal advice.

That makes sense. Thank you so much! I'll get the legal advice if and when I need to, but it's somehow helpful to gather information right now. Maybe because it's the only thing I can really do at this point. We're still waiting to find out if child services will even send the case to the police.

Many thanks to all who have helped and supported me with this.

[venusfire503 54]

Could let it rest at that that I am both a jerk and a pedophile but perhaps an explanation is desirable as to why I introduced a notion that the accuser can just as well be the culprit, intentionally or none intentionally to add to that statement.

I deleted most of the quote for space reasons.

Well, like I said before, I was originally very riled up by your first post, and couldn't take being falsely accused of masterminding a scheme like that. I imagine it's kind of like being falsely accused of molesting someone, perhaps? I later realized that maybe you were just reacting to what you thought was going on because of something you had experienced. It sounds like you've had a rough time. I'm sorry to hear that. I understand why you reacted the way you did.

I've learned through this that I can't win in this situation. I'm perceived to be either a horrible, uncaring mother, or a horrible, uncaring wife. Or both. I feel very much caught in the middle. I just want the truth to be found, and found quickly.

It's hard to deal with the idea that anything like that might have happened to one of my children. If my daughter is telling the truth, I couldn't be with a man who would do that.

If he is innocent, there will 'only' be relationships to mend, so that's the better outcome for all of us. She's a preteen, and I don't think she realizes the gravity of those kinds of charges.

I think this thread has run its course. If it was going to continue, it shouldn't be here anymore.

Thanks again to everyone for their help.

venusfire

[NickD 202]

If my wife and daughter are in the kitchen at the same time preparing a meal, we bump into each other a lot, hope that isn't considered sexual abuse. If my ex wife didn't bring our baby into the medical clinic claiming sexual abuse, neither the police nor the social workers would be knocking at my door. Healthcare and teachers are expected to report those incidents no matter how minor. So how did the social workers manage to knock at your door?

I really don't know if my ex was sexually abused as a child or not was told by counsellors that a complete memory loss is common and it can pop back years later. But I did believe her at first, had no reason not to, but that incident with my son was too much, couldn't even pinpoint the time or how how he even got the opportunity with a house full of kids, but it certainly ruined his life for a very long time. And such an incident certainly causes a lot of irreparable damage to a family. That son is married today with two kids, tells me his mom is trying to make contact with him, sends gifts and letters, says she is sorry, but my son still cannot forgive her for the grief she caused him, nor can our other children.

I even tell my kids, while she is of no relationship to me, she is still your mother and you only get one of those in this lifetime, but it's up to them. But don't get the wrong impression, this conversation rarely ever comes up.

If your husband is innocent, he is going to have a lot to cope with and perhaps can as an adult, children can't cope with stuff like this and it affects them for years afterwards. But all kids are different, I do have one son that is very rational on this subject, but he doesn't understand why his mom is so nice to her friends, she is considered to be a wonderful woman, but was pure hell in our home. But again, this is a very rare subject, we have our lives to live.

Most difficult part is to remain objective and rational, so close to home, very easy to get emotional, try and learn the truth, and go from there.

[venusfire503 54]

I was going to let this thread drop, but I got good news that I wanted to pass on, and this is where everyone read about the problem in the first place.

MY HUSBAND JUST PASSED A POLYGRAPH!!!!!!!!

This means that he is innocent, and should be able to come home soon (as soon as the bureaucratic BS is done). It does mean that my daughter needs some serious help, though. I've known that for years, and have tried to get someone to believe me. I think now they will.

I imagine IF I need to report this on his removing conditions paperwork next year (not sure if I do, since he wasn't actually charged by the police, arrested, or anything - it never left the social services agency, to my knowledge) then it will not prevent him from getting his 10 year card.

[NickD 202]

I was going to let this thread drop, but I got good news that I wanted to pass on, and this is where everyone read about the problem in the first place.

MY HUSBAND JUST PASSED A POLYGRAPH!!!!!!!!

This means that he is innocent, and should be able to come home soon (as soon as the bureaucratic BS is done). It does mean that my daughter needs some serious help, though. I've known that for years, and have tried to get someone to believe me. I think now they will.

I imagine IF I need to report this on his removing conditions paperwork next year (not sure if I do, since he wasn't actually charged by the police, arrested, or anything - it never left the social services agency, to my knowledge) then it will not prevent him from getting his 10 year card.

That is certainly great news, but also points out a problem in getting remarried with kids. Understand it's not easy for a woman to find a guy that is willing to take over with her children and always the possibility of personality conflicts. Also puts the guy in an awkward position, I could never be as strict with my step daughter has I was with my own daughters, such would lead to rebellion. Had to leave the stricter discipline to her mother and sometimes play the good guy, but it's also well known that moms and teenage daughters get along like cats and dogs. And with the laws we have today, if the kids do anything wrong, it's the parents that have to pay the price. If your kid doesn't show up at school, they don't go after that kid, but you.

Ha, told my daughter when she turned 18, can skip school, smoke, drink, get pregnant, she can do whatever she wants to now, I longer am obligated to enforce the laws of our state. Ironically, she never wanted to go camping with us in our motorhome, would stay with friends with close contact on the cell phone. That is until she turned 18 then came with us and said, why didn't she go with us before, she had a great time. She also thanked me for cracking down when I had to as some of her high school friends got into some deep trouble. The schools sure aren't any help with those stupid lawsuits on school discipline, life was much easier back then.

Does your husband have any experience in raising kids? You know, they don't teach that in schools. There are counselors that your husband and daughter can go to together that maybe can work things out, but I am under the opinion that if anyone need counseling, it's counselors. You have to work these problems out by yourself.

You never mentioned having an ex and whether you have full or joint custody of your children, I had to explain to my daughter early on that it is very unfortunate that she really didn't have a choice about her mother marrying me, but she could see that we were very happy together. And that severe penalties exist for parents that abandon their children. But she does have a choice as to which parent she wants to live with and I would grant her that choice. Even buy her a plane ticket and give her $20,000.00 in cash that would hold her well in her country until she could support herself. She flatly turned that offer down and things clammed down substantially. It's not easy for a child to accept a new parent and it takes work, lots of work. And there is also that critical balance of discipline, grounding here, and raising a spoiled brat. LOL, in our case, all this is history, reminded my daughter how impatient she was to reach 16 so she could get her driver's license, she said that day would never come, well, honey, that was three years ago, today. You are right, Nick, time does go by fast. She only called me dad twice, that was a good feeling.

If you have joint custody and an ex, only advice I can give is to move as far away as the law will permit you, or to give that daughter the choice to live with her father.

[Carlawarla 1]

I was going to let this thread drop, but I got good news that I wanted to pass on, and this is where everyone read about the problem in the first place.

MY HUSBAND JUST PASSED A POLYGRAPH!!!!!!!!

This means that he is innocent, and should be able to come home soon (as soon as the bureaucratic BS is done). It does mean that my daughter needs some serious help, though. I've known that for years, and have tried to get someone to believe me. I think now they will.

I imagine IF I need to report this on his removing conditions paperwork next year (not sure if I do, since he wasn't actually charged by the police, arrested, or anything - it never left the social services agency, to my knowledge) then it will not prevent him from getting his 10 year card.

I am so truly happy that you've had some positive news! I agree it's time for some counselling.

I doubt you'll have to report anything as he was never charged. Best of luck on your new journey of healing. Thoughts are with you.

[venusfire503 54]

Hi! I just wanted to let you know that my husband was cleared, and is now home. (WOOHOOOOOOO) The therapist who evaluated my daughter said she doesn't show any signs of being molested. She explained all the things they checked, and I was surprised at how many angles they used. She's now in therapy, finally. The ex doesn't have a choice about it.

My husband seems to be doing all right. He's been so supportive - he understands that this has been difficult for me, too. It's not the same as what he's been through, but I feel like I've been walking a tightrope. I don't want to alienate my daughter, but still have to let her know that she can't get away with this, even at her age. My ex is in denial - his opinion is that if his daughter said it, it MUST be true. He told her that he believes her, not the polygraph. And apparently not the authorities. He actually got nasty with the social worker and therapist at the meeting when they revealed their findings.

This whole thing has been so draining, emotionally and financially. I'm happy the worst is over. Now we just have to work on (as they put it) "reconstituting the family". My marriage survived this, which makes me so happy.

Well, it turns out that even though the charges were "unfounded", they are still listed on a statewide registry for just over a year. Oh, yeah - the ex also claimed I was physically abusing the kids, I found out - also "unfounded" (boy, did I 'lose' a 'prize', huh?) If either of us apply for a job working with kids in this state, the employer would get a report that we were accused of abuse, but cleared. I imagine that would put us at a disadvantage compared to someone who hadn't ever been accused of anything.

Anyway, I imagine this means we don't have to put anything about it on his AOS papers next year? I don't think it would prevent him from getting his 10 year card, or later his citizenship, but it would probably complicate things.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

Thanks for your support.

Edited September 8, 2008 by venusfire503