When Things Arent As They Appear

[SMB x2 0]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It seems a bit familiar, since I went through something similar with my ex. It's not easy when that trust has been broken, but I hope you guys can work things out and that you (and your child) can be happy no matter the outcome. There's some great advice in this thread. You'll be in my thoughts!

-Shannon

Edited May 15, 2008 by SMB x2

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

Both the United States and the United Kingdom have signed the Hague Convention on child abduction. One parent can't take the child from the country without the consent of the other. If your husband does this then a British court would order that your child be handed back to you. Even if both parents as American citizens it's illegal for only one parent to sign a passport application for the child. It's possible to alert ports and airports if you believe your child is at risk of being taken out of the country. In your position I would probably misplace my child's passport in a safety deposit box somewhere just for a while. It can easily be found later.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice about what to do about your marriage but I hope you can rest easier about your child.

which brings up a thought.........the kid has a passport. remove it from the house, stash it with a friend or relative.

[eau_xplain 2]

Sharri, this is a tough decision you are facing. You'll have to weigh how much you love him versus how much you can take and not lose your self-respect. I pray that you will find the clarity of mind and heart to discern what's best for you, your daughter and your husband.

If you're really worried about your husband taking your daughter to UK, I would suggest that, for the moment, you keep your daughter's passport in a safe place that only you have access to. I know that a parent, traveling alone with one's child, is supposed to show consent from the other parent. When we traveled to the Philippines a couple of years back with my (then) 14 year-old stepson, we had his mother's consent form with us. But, nobody at the airport bothered to ask for it. How do they know that we have his mother's consent since nobody checked? Made me wonder how many children were taken out of the country without a parent's consent just because nobody at the airports asked.

[Crisscat 0]

Many thanks for all your well wishes and clear thinking lol. My thoughts certainly have not been.

Removing the passport from the home is a great idea and Im going to do that today (just in case). Its better to be safe then sorry right?

I wasnt aware of the Hague Convention on child abduction. I mean Ive heard of it just couldnt remember the name of it......thanks for bringing that up!

I will definitely do some research on that as well.

Everyone is right.......I have alot of soul searching to do and alot of thinking. Sometimes its the secrets that get to us the most......or at least in my

case that is certainly ringing true.

I might suggest counseling tonight when he gets home from work........not sure he will speak to me about it as we have stayed clear of each other

lately. I did find out more information through chatting with his "online honey from England" she didnt know she was talking to me and she gave me

loads of info and about another yahoo account I wasnt aware of......

Well as the ole saying goes......when it rains it pours.........and it is certainly flooding in Southern Illinois today......

Just when you think you know someone.......something like this comes up.......Ive known him since Feb 2001 and thought he was the most honest person Ive ever met. I completely trusted him and I always thought I made a good judgement and satisfied any inhibitations I felt about having

an online relationship with someone.......especially from another country.

I guess we cant know someone as much as we think we can............bummer

[Welshcookie 17]

Hugs to you Sharri (F)

[*JG* 2]

I'm so sorry. I hope you figure it all out.

[Crisscat 0]

Thanks..........

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

My heart goes out to you

Only you can decide what's best for you.

One thing I would say, if you do forgive him, you must be able to TRULY forgive him, ie not allow it to become a wedge between you.

I get the impression that you love your husband dearly, but you're scared he doesn't want to be with you for YOU, but possibly for the sake of your daughter.

I think you have to sit down with him and be honest to him about your feelings, even if you're scared he may reject you.

He is probably feeling the same way, that you are only allowing him to be there for the sake of your daughter.

I hope the decision you make in the end is the best for all involved.

[Saffyre 0]

Whilst I believe your husband was completely out of line, and he owes you a giantic apology I agree with the other people here that it may be worth going to counselling to work it out.

Have you asked him WHY he felt the need to spend so much time talking to these women?

The fact that he was communicating with a woman from England and mentioned going home to England suggests to me that there may be more to this. I could be VERY wrong, and it's just an opinion, but after 4 years is it possible that he is just a little homesick?

I'm only at the beginning of my journey, so perhaps I am not qualified to give an opinion, but it may be worth trying to talk to him and finding out exactly what he feels is missing from his life if he is seeking attention elsewhere?

Good luck, and you have all my best wishes.

Oh and if it comes to the worst, he'll have a hell of a job taking your child without your consent or a court order.......

[psiprez 3]

Unfortunately, this story sounds all too familiar to me. My now-ex grew more and more distant over the last few years of our marraige, and it wasn't until after I filed for divorce that I found out he had been chatting explicitly with all of my online friends, going so far as to send money each month to help my 'best' friend support he child in Australia.

I agree that the very first thing you must do is to lock up your child's passport where he cannot get to it. And don't just hide it in the house. Get a safety deposit box that he cannot access.

My ex always refused to let me get passports for our children. At the time, kids did not need passports for travel to Canada and the Caribbean, so to him it seemed like an unecessary expense. I, on the other hand, thought that in the post-9/11 world, they should have passports as an official form of ID.

Now that I am marrying someone from abroad, my ex REFUSES to sign for their passports. He says he is afraid I will move permanently to England with the children. I guess I can understand why that would cross his mind, but even he admits it's completely irrational. Now, without passports, they cannot travel to Engalnd on holiday, cannot go and meet their new relatives. Heck, we can't even go see Niagara Falls on vacation. Not until they both turn 16.

So yes, you definitely want to be the one in control of the passort. Though know that if you should become legally separated or divorced, he may ask the court to order that the passport be handed over.