Trouble adjusting to life here

[venusfire503 54]

It's so nice to have a place to go to hear about others in our situation. Especially when the posts change to good news. We only checked out the parts of VJ before that dealt with getting the visa and the 'green card'. That part went smoothly for us, even though it felt like it was taking forever at the time. I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this is also a good place for advice and discussions about daily life.

My husband is a sweet and wonderful person. His English is very good, and conversation is not a problem for him. Like some of your SOs, he came here without a degree. Last year, he got his driver license, green card, and GED. He's been able to find a few hours work on craigslist doing websites and a few odd jobs. He's getting very discouraged, though. He's been here around 16 months, and has only made a few hundred dollars. He wants to get a good job and support me, but hasn't had any luck. (My financial situation is a blessing in one way, but hurts his pride, too)

Life here has been much easier in some ways than it was for him in Morocco, but much more difficult in other ways. He has trouble dealing with my ex (he can't stand the way the ex talks to/treats me, and the ####### that's still dragging through the courts is driving us crazy). Also, I don't have many friends for different reasons (that's what happens in a divorce and I didn't have many as a stay at home mom anyway), but he thinks it's all his fault. I'm sure some people are avoiding me because of their prejudice (not because of him, as he says; because of their flaws, in my opinion). I told him I don't need people like that in my life, but he still seems to feel bad about it. Some people don't treat him well because of his background (he's Arab, Muslim, foreign in general, whatever). He's from a small city where everyone knew and respected him. It's also much more calm and relaxed there.

I thought going back to visit his family would help, but many people treated him differently because he's living here now. Many people expect him to help them (share the wealth, I guess), but he's not working, and we can't save the whole world (even though we'd sincerely love to). Some were obviously jealous of him (it probably didn't help that we rented a car to travel around - most Moroccan don't have cars) and probably thought he was showing off (not his style). Even his siblings are acting differently toward him.

Things have been getting worse. It seems like there are more times that he's not talking to me than times that he is (he clams up when he's upset). When he gets over whatever is bothering him, everything is wonderful, just like it was before. But I don't know how long that will keep working. It already seems like it's not. This week hasn't been good. He hasn't talked since yesterday morning. I am (always have been) willing to do whatever I can to help him. I just don't know how to help now.

[S and S 12]

I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that things get better for you soon. It sounds like him finding a good job would be the first step to solving your problems. I'm not sure of your location or the size of your city to possibly advise you, but I truly hope that things work out and your husbands moods get better.

[HLM 1]

I'm really sorry about this ruff time for both of u! I agree with S and S its definitly due to the frustration of not working ... men hate to sit at home and its something that will get their self esteem down.. be patient with him and give him his space until he finds a job and from there insha Allah he will be more relaxed happier and u will feel the change in ur lives right away .... ill be praying for u stay positive and have faith and concerning his family and friends .. he shudnt worry about them now he needs to focus on himself and get himself on his feet then he will be able to deal with other issues insha Allah

[tammy2688 1]

Actually we do not know when a blessing will come. Right now it seems like he is having the same problems anyone from their own country has when they go back to it....I'm telling you when I went to see my husband because the visa was talking too long (Still in processing right now) when he went back to his village with me the looks on people's faces are like kinda "why r u here..." and some were even like "so did you come back from america!" and its hilarious because he didnt even go yet, just the image of me being with him made them think he had come back for a visit.

Jobs are a huge problem, probably the number 1 problem after coming here that needs more attention than it gets. You know I asked some questions on a website about foreigners and what kinda jobs they can look for, this guy came out and said " we don't need any more foreigners here." thanks buddy...this guy probably had some european background when he feels is not foreign and does he know his future? what if he were to fall in love with a foreigner be it a brazilian or a morrocan...anyway thats the whole sentiment and the under the table guys are all over the place with "positions" at their cousin's hotel...you know what I mean?

Right now I'll tell ya if you can get him into even small work like delivery or hotel, he may be busier and thus happier. This one guy I know stepped up real good, he came here with no education, worked at hotels for 5 years and now he got a job at a bank and makes a good $40,000. Thats enough for this guy, he had never dreamed of so much.

See if you can get him into some work that he can work up it may be the solution to a lot of this.

I wish you the best and for all of our husbands.

Tammy

[reeses16 8]

Hi, Venus. Sorry to hear about your situation. You and your hubby are in my prayers. It is can be very difficult to adjust to life here. Here are a fe3w things that have helped us. (1) We focus on the good things, big or small we have accomplished together. (2) My hubby has been willing to work any job, until a better opportunity comes along (3) He's in school, and doing well. He's made a lot of friends. On Sundays they go study, play sport, and for lunch or coffee. I'm happy to hear your hubby has his GED, but may be he could take courses at a community college just to meet people or to get into a program where he could get a better job.

Jobs. Have you tried a temp agency? Or worker retraining program (like work source)? They may be helpful in identifying oppportunities that aren't on Craigslist and provide further training. If you live in a large city think about the major employers in the area. If there are any schools/univerisities, visit their employment pages. It may be a difficult conversation to have, but let him know that its unlikely that he will be able to support you both with only a GED. I also think it critical to let him know that in America, most times both husbands and wives have to work to meet their financial needs. Make sure he knows that whatever money he does earn is important.

[reeses16 8]

Wonderful post, Tammy. : )

[amal 4]

definitely get that man into a job. he needs to be working and it doesn't matter what he does. Walmart gives great training on "the way things should be done in america" and that training was a godsend to my husband later on. He hated the job at the time but is now thankful he took that one due to the training. I hope he finds something soon.

[venusfire503 54]

It may be a difficult conversation to have, but let him know that its unlikely that he will be able to support you both with only a GED. I also think it critical to let him know that in America, most times both husbands and wives have to work to meet their financial needs. Make sure he knows that whatever money he does earn is important.

I've mentioned the thing about the GED to him. He seems reluctant to go to school, but I'm not completely sure why. I think it's several things. 1 - he doesn't like debt (I think it's religious/cultural), but I've explained to him the debt for education makes sense (I'm very strict about debt, too - only for education, a house, or a necessary car); 2 - I think he might feel nervous about going to school; 3 - he seems to think he can get a good job or run a business without a degree (which IS possible, but takes time and is not a guarantee).

I love one thing you said - it should be very helpful. I never thought to point out that in this country most people need two incomes to get by. Especially when kids are involved (I have three from my first marriage).

Thank you so much, everyone! It helps to know that someone out there cares. And the advice is valuable.

[Rocketta 0]

Good Luck Venus! I too think school is probably his best option just for the socialization if nothing else. I worry about this too! I hope I can convince my husband that school is the most important thing to success in this country.

[SaadBell 0]

Oh sweetie that is awful to hear this, but I do believe something will happen to ease the transition. Does he garden at all, like cut grass, trim hedges, in Florida, these men make tons of money just landscaping. Maybe start with your own place, even a house plant, anything to keep him busy. He can even read up on things like that, and see if that sparks an interest. What about going back to school, sometimes attending school opens up a lot of doors to full time employment. I always do that, I am going back, I love to go to school, when I finish my PhD. I will still go to school. These are a few things off the top of my head. I know how it feels to be in a completely different country and know that you are not going to see home for a few years, sometimes it over powers you. We are here for you; let us know if any of these things might work for you. You are in my thoughts; just know it will all work out well in the end.

[LRA 0]

If you would like me to speak with him or email back and forth with him, please let me know. I would be happy to help out in any way I can. Even if he just wants to get things off his chest or bounce ideas off of me.

[sarahaziz 0]

Keep looking for a good job, Sign him up for English classes. Get him working as a certified english translator he can make at least 55-60$ an hour depending which state you live in.

The financial situation he is in personally is most likely what is bugging him. He probably feels ashamed to talk to you about it. I would definitely make it known that you as his wife are there for him no matter what and if you weren't you wouldn't have stuck by him through this long process for so long. Make him know he has alot to offer than any body else to you. Never let your spouse go through times like that where there is silence between the two of you. That comes off as not caring and if you don't get what you need somewhere you will look somewhere else for it. Be there for the spouse!!

[Hanna&Mohamed 0]

You are so right this mena group is wonderful! They will help if u need anything! Sometimes they disagree about subjects! lol We are fine with that most of the time!

Edited May 12, 2008 by mohamedandmelinda

[Imua 0]

Volunteering is another option in addition to taking English classes or other education. It gets him out of the house and gives him something to do where he is making contacts, improving his English and helping people. He can also use his supervisor as a job reference. If Govi has trouble at first when he gets here then he has said he would like to volunteer. Look at volunteermatch.org or idealist.org.

[allousa 1]

I haven't really posted an info since my husband got back to the States, but I feel like now is an appropriate time...

Hicham and I have been married for over 7 years now. The first 3 were spent here in the States, and then the last 4 we were apart. He just got back home to us the middle of March and it's been a tough row to hoe! You would think the fact that we had been together before and that he had lived here in the States before that the transition would be easy. But it's NOT!

The biggest complication is that Hicham hasn't been able to get a job quickly. Even though he has a degree in computers and had a fairly high level job back in Morocco, there are so many people looking for jobs in our area that he hasn't had a lot of luck yet. This has caused him to be very depressed. He completely rearranged the kitchen (which really pissed me off) and we have gotten into many arguements because he's just had such a tough time. He would get mad when I would ask him to do things to help me around the house and we would fight about that. The fact that our son didn't have an "instant" bond with him, bothered him alot.

One day, I had an appointment with a doctor (who I've been going to FOREVER) and we ended up talking alot about my husband finally making it home. I told him how tough it had been for both of us. He said that was VERY normal since it was such a major life change for both of us. He told me the whole "kitchen" thing was probably his way of trying to control something in his life since he wasn't able to get a job and really contribute to the home. With him having to be so dependent on my income and my help, he said it can be very emasculating to a man. And that can manifest itself through controlling behaviors, depression and even sexual problems. When I went home and talked with Hicham about this, we had the best talk about all of our problems and really came to an understanding about how to move forward.

I cannot stress how important it is to really communicate, listen and be patient. It's even harder when you have to work and take care of kids at the same time. But hang in there.

It looks as though Hicham may finally have gotten a job (we're still waiting to find out) and just that alone has made a world of difference. He's so much happier. Oh, he's also been going to the gym which has helped his spirits and his body as well . AND, our son has really started to "attach" to him. Sometimes when he cries for him, I can tell he puffs up with pride.

I truly wish you the best of luck!