Separation is official..divorce to come..what next?

[ComingToAnEnd 0]

Well, just as I'm sure everyone else who has posted a thread like this has said, I really honestly thought I would be the last person to have to post this and look for advice about this here.

Truth be told: My husband did something very horrible while I was in Canada awaiting the processing of our CR1 visa. I found out about it a couple months before the interview, thought I could forgive him, but forgiving is coming along much harder than I expected. We've been fighting everyday for 6 months straight, and I think tonight was the last straw.

I'm not new to this forum, I just didn't want to post under my regular name since I am so ashamed about what has happened to my marriage.

What I need to know is this: What all do I have to do to prove a bona-fide marriage when it comes time to remove conditions? I've had my Conditional Greencard for about 4 months now, and have been working. All my family is back in Canada, but I just can't see myself moving back there for a couple years yet, since I feel so stupid after having all of them tell me I was jumping into things too soon, etc etc...then apparently having them proven right. Not only that, but I'm happy at my place of employment, have made friends, and there are some good opportunities for me school-wise down here, so I would rather not move back until I know I can stand on my own feet again.

We have no children...I change my mind daily about whether or not I want kids, so I definetely can't use that as a show of good faith. We do have a joint bank account, but none of the bills are in my name. I think he will be willing to co-operate on that part and change some of the bills over to both our names, since we do still love each other, but just can't seem to find our way back to the way things used to be. He won't attend councelling, since he thinks that we are beyond that point now, and that it is just going to dig up more pain for both of us. I was considering councelling for just myself, but at the same time, don't feel I should have to go attend councelling alone for something that he did. If that sounds ignorant, I'm sorry, but I feel like I've put 200% into this marriage, so going to councelling alone for something that he did that is hurting me so much just doesn't feel right.

Anyways, does anyone have any further advice on what I can do to prove I entered into this marriage in good faith? I am in tears just writing all this right now....I can't believe this is happening to us...but neither of us can figure out how to move past this, so I don't think we have any other choice.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited May 9, 2008 by ComingToAnEnd

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I don't know you who you are and I don't need to know...I would never judge you.

I wanted to extend my sincere apologies to you. Reading your thread made me cry.

It reminded me of my first marriage, feeling lost and not knowing at all what to do.

Living with a man resistant of getting help, knowing it was all ending...the only thing different is, I was not in a different country, far from friends and family like you are and for that, I'm so sorry.

I'm proud of you for having a job that you love and making friends in a strange place. There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Life isn't always laid out for us, we can't always be right. Things shift and change, sometimes in a way that we can't understand. We get heart broken and confused but with time comes healing and things move forward.

You will stand on your own two feet again. Who cares what the people back home say, it's your life and you have to be happy. You can't live for other people, you have to live for you.

Don't be afraid to seek counseling, counseling is not just for people who did wrong. You are hurt, you need to talk about what hurt you and how you can move forward from this. It may help you heal, it helped me.

When you give and give and give and get nothing back, when you look into the future and can't see him there, when you know that enough is enough and you've tried everything you possibly can to save it with no hope in sight, it's best to pick yourself up, take the pieces with you and live for you...and that is what you are at the beginning of doing, no matter how painful and unsure this road is, you will be okay.

Sending you hugs

~Laura

[Krikit 1,163]

Laura that was a lovely post and I wholeheartedly agree.

To the OP.... I am so sorry to hear of your situation and I understand your preference for anonymity. I would start my research by looking at these links:

Instructions for I-751 Petition to Remove Conditions

Thread: Evidence For Lifting Conditions

General FAQ's for Removing Conditions

I wish you all the best that life has to offer.

[Rachel Marie 0]

I know I'm new and everything, but I can definitely say that even though your husband won't go, you should definitely try counseling. If someone does something to hurt you so bad, it tears you up a little inside, and it won't be something that will just go away. A counselor would definitely try to help you live life and accepting it.

I've been to several counselors/therapists over the years, and in my opinion it's good to just be able to talk to someone, you know?

I'm sorry I'm not able to provide any advice pertaining to your immigration situation; I wish I could! My lawyer said it was possible to stay in the country once divorced, I just don't know what the process would be to do that. You might want to get a (good) immigration lawyer to help you.

Good luck, I'll pray for you.

[L_n_O 3]

I've been in a similar situation in the past and I've just got to say that it took me and my bf a good year to heal our relationship after I found out..

If it's meant to be, it'll work out and you will find yourself slowly able to come to grips and one day even talk about it without screaming, crying etc.

Be strong, talk to lots of friends.. and most importantly, do what makes you happy.

He has to realize that you're allowed to be very angry with him for a significant amount of time..

He has to be okay with that

That's the only way it'll work.

And you have to allow yourself to be that angry with him, and be completely vocal about it.

If you're about to say something awful like "how could you choose me over that fat slob " etc... say it

He might not have an answer.. but he needs to understand just how much he hurt you.

It's tough

Good luck hun