The Money Issue

[lostinlove228 0]

I need some Advice here. How do you guys deal with the whole money issue. It is abvious that we all make more money then our Fiance's or Husband's and down there they can barely help themselves. My issue is that he feels guilty that I am paying for stuff here and he is unable to help me. That goes against all tradition in the ME. It doesn't really bother me, but everytime we talk aboout anything having to do with bills, my wedding dress, or money in general, he gets quite and when I ask him whats wrong he tells that he should be paying for that stuff not me. I just tell him that this is the situtation right now and the most important thing is that we are together. But I feel bad that he feels guilty.

[noura 0]

Said is pretty much the same way (altho he's not here yet). We have talked abt it many times. I try to make him feel better by saying that this will be a temporary situation and it will help me tremendously to have him doing stuff around the house that I can't catch up on. And I remind him that the dogs will be thrilled to have him around and he can spoil them! I'm ok w/ having a househusband temporarily....

Insh'allah, it won't be for too long.... he'll get bored, I'll get tired of working a lot, we'll be in the same boat of not seeing each other much

Noura....

I hope Wadi adjusts to this smoothly.... all you can do is comfort him, remind him it's just temporary.

sorry.... not Wadi... I forgot LIL, thought I was talking to Jenn! oopsie!

[Together4ever 1]

Yes, we face the same issue. Mohammed's pride really suffers, so much so sometimes I can hear the pain in his voice. The WORST for him was when the Consul asked him "does she send you money." He wanted to die. He answered, "Yes, but I don't ask her for it." And that is the truth. I just can't handle seeing him in hardship when I have it to share with him. I just tell him that I understand his feelings and I never ever want him to feel less of a man because of this. Like you, I remind him that this is just our situation right now. We are one soul, one life... by God I am his wife and that means what is mine is his (and he is eager to interject that what is his is mine as well) and that we must do what we have to at this time to survive and accomplish what we need to accomplish so that he can take the financial helm if that is his desire. He agrees and he relaxes, but I really do so much understand his feeling.

This is such a big part of the male psyche. This is not a generalization, its a fact. Men and women are just different creatures when it comes to how they move through the world. They are the providers and we are the nurturers. This goes deep. Yes there are exceptions to this, but men in the ME/NA have this very deeply ingrained that it is their duty by the God, so having to relinquish this role, even for a short time, really is difficult.

All we can do is what we can do until things are able to change. Enshaa Allah that will be soon for all of us who are waiting and suffering. In the meantime, its a WONDERFUL opportunity for a couple to work on communication and understanding what makes each other tick. In that respect, those of us going through the visa process are fortunate. We have to face some of these issues face to face up front.

[myfellah 0]

You're doing all you can right now. My husband felt the same way. He sold everything he had before he arrived here and used "his" money to pay for his AOS paperwork, my wedding ring, some costs for our wedding. He paid what he could. I just always reminded him that things would change; it was only temporary. Abdou has been working for a few months now, loves his job and now the bills are ours and he can help all he wants I worried about this so much before he arrived and after he arrived. Our men adjust well if given great support and you're doing that already. If there are things he can pay for, let him. No matter what, as husband and wife, you support one another at all times. Soon enough he will be on his own feet and you'll both be supporting each other.

Doreen

[rejane 1]

When I arrived to the US I didn t have a whole lot of money so my husbands had to pay a lot of bills...

As I couldn t work when I arrived, I was feeling bad to not be able to help him as much as I wanted.

As soon I got job I have done my parts of shares and paying half the bills with him...

It was pretty hard at the start for me as I was used to take care of my own bills, It makes me feels terrible inside to not be able to help.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

This has always bothered my husband too, but we've sat down and discussed it to the point that we're comfortable. He is a strict holder to the islamic ideal that the man pays for everything in the house, and the wife's income is for her alone. I'm fine with using my income to support the family, and I'm also fine that when he gets a job (soon, inshaAllah ya Rabb!), that he insists on paying for as many bills and whatnot that his salary will allow. He knows this, he's still not happy with it right now, but it's life, and that's what we have to deal with.

[Jenn! 918]

Said is pretty much the same way (altho he's not here yet). We have talked abt it many times. I try to make him feel better by saying that this will be a temporary situation and it will help me tremendously to have him doing stuff around the house that I can't catch up on. And I remind him that the dogs will be thrilled to have him around and he can spoil them! I'm ok w/ having a househusband temporarily....

Insh'allah, it won't be for too long.... he'll get bored, I'll get tired of working a lot, we'll be in the same boat of not seeing each other much

Noura....

I hope Wadi adjusts to this smoothly.... all you can do is comfort him, remind him it's just temporary.

sorry.... not Wadi... I forgot LIL, thought I was talking to Jenn! oopsie!

[lostinlove228 0]

Thanks guys. Hopefully things will get better soon.

[honeyblonde 0]

It has been hard for Abdel to deal with, but some things I've found seem to make it better. First, he gets a weekly allowance. I don't make a big deal about it, just put it on his chair or computer for him to find and maybe ask him to make sure he got it (with two cats I worry they might knock it under the chair or desk) He knows he can ask for more if he needs it, but I make sure he has enough pocket money to pay for his bus and leave some for Starbucks and stuff. Second, I constantly point out how much I'd have to pay someone to do all the things he has done around here. I think it's important for them to realize that they do contribute significantly if they do housework or repairs. With the renovation we've done Abdel has more than earned his keep. Last, I tease him and call him my lamborghini. I tell him how sexy he is to me daily and how much I admire his intelligence. He says I make him feel really good about himself so I think he's ok with that.

I have had a problem here with him wanting to work under the table. There are so many illegals here that are in his English class that tell him about work opportunities. They all ask him why he doesn't work. Whenever money is tight and he is tempted I just remind him that he could get deported if he got caught, and we wouldn't be together for a long time then. I know it's even more of a blow to his ego to have his peers giving him a hard time and offering to set him up with illegal work. I'm just so glad he respects my wishes and endures the humilation.

Be happy your man is so responsible. It is a hard matter to deal with, but much better than so many men I've dated here who somehow expect a woman to take care of them. Needless to say that's why I married someone not from here. I know a lot of other ladies here share that type of experience.

[jordanianprincess 0]

Thankfully we don't have a problem with this, my fiance is able to contribute. However I do understand where all you are coming from and Lostinlove, its not an easy thing to deal with. Its pride. In my opionion, if want to make him feel better, keep praising him for the small things, get his advice on finances, and make him feel like he helped out in some way. Always refer to everything as 'WE" and not "I". It's important that they understand they are in a partnership and both parties contribute in one way or another.

[morocco4ever 63]

Yeah....my husband feels bad about it too. I just tell him not to worry, when he gets here he will be working his a$$ off making up for it! <hehe>

I do feel bad for him though, its not the way they are taught, so it weighs heavily on them. I sent him a debit card so I don't have to waste so much money on western union, but he probably only uses about $75.00 a month, if even that. Just enough to pay the internet (most important), and maybe a little more to go to coffee with friends sometimes. He won't spend more because he wants me to go out to visit again in August and the price of tickets are horrible.

[Jasman0717 9]

Since Claudeth's Father's employer went out of business we have been obligated to support her family of 6 brothers and sisters and Mom and Dad and that has become a rather unexpected burden. We may have to give up cable and the internet

[Bosco 1]

Since Claudeth's Father's employer went out of business we have been obligated to support her family of 6 brothers and sisters and Mom and Dad and that has become a rather unexpected burden. We may have to give up cable and the internet

Claudeth is blessed to have someone willing and able to take care of her family. Even in a place where the cost of living is less, that certainly is not an easy feat. I hope the situation is alleviated soon.

Rebecca