Double Standards

[simple_male 1]

Dh knows that I talk to men all teh time-- it's my job. I also work with them. He doesn't want me to touch them, but shaking hands is OK. I don't want to touch anyone, even to shake their hands Dh doesn't touch other women, and he talks to them-- because he works with them. I know in teh past he had female friends (cousins mostly) and he knows I had/have male friends-- but both of us keep our contact to a real minimum. So for us it'

s not done in the double-standard mode.

There is no such thing that a married woman can not talk with a man when there is a need. However, unnecesary talking and spending time alone with a man is not allowed.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I personally have not experienced this behavoir from my guy as remembering back he left me alone in a bedroom, with one of his friends playing the guitar for me so guess we wont be having that problem

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Wahrania, did you not experience this with your MENA ex's?

No I did not. I only have one " marriage mena ex" and he was too busy cheating on me and beating the #### out of me to notice if I talked to anyone

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

If you are to frame all of this from a traditional cultural perspective, the fact that he goes and talks to women freely is clearly hypocritical on his part and definitely a double-standard. I think the rest is not. He has higher expectations of "good" behavior from you than he does from other women in his neighborhood. I don't think this is unusual. I tolerate things in my neighbors I would not in my husband.

Clearly generalizing - but women laughing out on the street with men or going out at night unnecessarily are not highly thought of from people who hold more traditional values in the Middle East, as I am sure you know. He wants you out with your daughter so it will appear that whatever you are doing is not inappropriate. The difference is that here most people could give a ####### when their neighbors come and go.

I never leave the house at night after I go home anyway. I was just putting this out there to see if anyone else has been a little culture shocked at some small differences...

[ya falaha! 0]

Aha...I'm sorry about that experience.

Personally, I can't say too much about a double standard. Yes, my husband expects more of me than husbands of my gfs (married to Americans) do of their wives but that's cultural stuff.

He doesn't mind me going shopping or out to lunch with gfs as long as he knows what's going on. If he spends time with a friend of his, he does the same (tells me where he's going and when he'll be back). He doesn't like me staying out late but that doesn't bother me. He doesn't stay out late either unless it's for work. So what I'm saying is...whatever's good for him, is good for me, too.

[Nasturtium 500]

There is no such thing that a married woman can not talk with a man when there is a need. However, unnecesary talking and spending time alone with a man is not allowed.

That is the opinion of some people. Other people feel it is not permissable regardless of what hadeeth you throw at them. I was just giving an example for the OP in case it helped the OP. I'm not Muslim so it doesn't matter.

[Nutty 2]

I understand Wahrania...

I think that in time, your husband will "loosen up" once he gets here.

My husband has once or twice told me to be "not too friendly" with my male friends, but that is the extent of it. After he realized there is a difference between American and Iranian women in the way they behave with the opposite sex (Americans being more "open") and so he relaxed a little.

As for going out....strangely, my husband does not like to go out without me. The few times he went out with friends he insisted I go too. And if I didn't he called me through out the evening and came home early.

[a1angied 0]

I had many discussions with my husband before he came and he know how independent that I am and have been and that here in the USA it is much different. We talked about it and he explained to me that when I went to Jordan that men don't shake hands and stuff like we do here. So I respected that and explained that I am a respectful person and I would try my best to be mindful that he has concerns about me around men.

Ok, well since he has been here almost 9 months and has interacted with my friends, family, co-workers, clients and others and see's that alot of us hug and he also does that it is normal and he is not one bit uncomfortable with it. He knows that me being an alcohol and drug counselor that I have very deep conversations with male clients and talk about everything even sexual problems of theirs, as this is my job to help them in all areas of their lives men and women. He loves me and trust me and we don't have these issues. We go out together and have fun and don't seem to have these issues.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I understand Wahrania...

I think that in time, your husband will "loosen up" once he gets here.

My husband has once or twice told me to be "not too friendly" with my male friends, but that is the extent of it. After he realized there is a difference between American and Iranian women in the way they behave with the opposite sex (Americans being more "open") and so he relaxed a little.

As for going out....strangely, my husband does not like to go out without me. The few times he went out with friends he insisted I go too. And if I didn't he called me through out the evening and came home early.

There are some other things that happened overseas and have happened over the last year that have made me do a double take. Another thing I found interesting was when his dad died, him and his brother got more than his sister and the littliest sister... that was another thing I thought was very different. His dad died when he was small but the estate wasnt settled until much much later...

I am sorry I brought this subject up. I just have seen some things over the last year that seemed to be a bit of a double standard..When I was overseas, all the guys were out all hours of the night playing dominos, talking in internet cafes, walking around. It seemed as if the girls that lived in the university dorms had some level of freedom compared to alot of the women.. Its hard to explain what I am thinking about. I love him so much and I am having his baby but if we have a girl, I want her to go to college and have the American dream of becoming whatever she wants to

[morocco4ever 63]

We haven't had too much problem in this area. He tried from the start to tell me that I can't talk to men, but I told him thats fine, but it goes both ways. He tried to tell me that its alright for the man not the woman. I proceeded to find online links to Islam sites that he respects that said that a married man is not allowed to chat with women unless it is his family. You might say I caught him off guard with the fact that I wasn't just going to accept the double standard thing.

Now that he is here things aren't quite so difficult. He sees that an if I talk to a man it isn't a threat to him or our marriage. He chats with his friends wives online sometimes, I don't see this as an issue either, since these women are my friends as well, and it isn't unusual if I chat with their husbands.

As for going out, we go out together. The culture where I live is that a husband and wife do things together. Even when I told him to go ahead and go without me somewhere he still wants me to go.

What I am saying is that we found where to draw line. A happy medium between his culture and mine, with respect to our marriage.

[doodlebugg 10]

The only thing I've experienced is him one time questioning why I had make up on. I rarely wear makeup but that particular Saturday I knew I'd be talking to him so before I started my day I did my makeup and even put my contacts in. lol. When we finally talked he asked if I went out anywhere and I said yes I went food shopping earlier and he questioned if I was wearing makeup when I went out. I blew it off and changed the subject but I know he doesn't want me to wear makeup outside without him.

Other than the only other thing is that he wanted me to go into another room while his male friends would stop by and talk for a few minutes. He specifically asked me to go into the bedroom while his friends were there and then when they were done I came back out. I'm thinking once he realizes this isn't how we do things here he'll get used to the fact that I'm going to be in the same room with his buddies, but we'll see. Maybe if we get that man room done it won't be an issue 'cause they can all cram in there instead. lol

[SandyNJack 5]

My honey is not Muslim but he does have some of the same requests:

He would not like for me to have male friends other than those we will know together. No going out with only a man, even if just a friend. He does not want a man to hug or kiss me except for family. I am sure if I talked to or looked at a man when we were out would bother him. When ever I tell him I am going some where he likes to know where I am going andwho I am going with.

All these things he asks of me he asks from himself as well. He tells me he does not need to look to or talk to other women because he has already found the woman he wants, ME!

[aisha kandisha 0]

Another thing I found interesting was when his dad died, him and his brother got more than his sister and the littliest sister... that was another thing I thought was very different. His dad died when he was small but the estate wasnt settled until much much later...

That is how Islamic inheritance laws are set up. Men get more but men are also supposed to take care of their female relatives.

Also, if you are Christian married to a Muslim, you cannot inherit from your husband in countries that follow Islamic family law. It varies on whether or not he can bequeath part of his estate to you - some places say you cannot bequeath to non-Muslims, some allow it. Something for people to think about if they plan on owning property in their husband's home country.

[Nutty 2]

Disparity in division of property in issues of inheritance, meaning, what sons versus daughters get, is common in muslim society. Maybe because most assume daughters will marry into "other families" and their husbands are their guardians.

My husbands mother received very little from her father compared to her brother. My husband considered it "preferential" treatment towards his uncle. It created a rift in the family between "the have nots" and the "haves" and it adversely affected not only my mother-in-law, but her children (she widowed early).

Now my husband is very clear on what is fair and right.

[Jenn! 918]

I'm quick to point out double standards if they ever come up, and I will not abide by them. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. That said, it doesn't really come up that often.

I don't believe I would have continued a relationship in the first place with Wadi if he weren't comfortable with me and the way I do things (of course, likewise vice versa). I had male friends when we met...they became his friends too.

My best friend (male) from college came to visit the other weekend and stayed over and there were no problems - we all had a great time together. I wouldn't have it any other way. I suppose it's a little different because he's gay (and that's a whole different thread, lol).