Double Standards

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

wow thank God I didn't marry american or americanized arab....I wouldn't be able to last with one. we don't look we don't talk or talk about others from the opposite sex it's just disrespectful b/t a man and wife in our opinion. Hey if you talk to the opposite sex and your spouse is ok with it who cares then. Until today i realized my spouse acting like an imam isn't annoying at all I should thank god after reading couple of men's posts. Jealousy in a way is acceptable from my spouse where your spouse is smiling and asks like a little kid why are you looking at him you think hes more sexy than me or what? or If I really was looking at a hot guy back home and smiling at him and my husband gets so pissed and asks why im doing that. That actually happened once ... he made me sit in the back so he could see my eyes in the front view mirror i love when he's jealous. And about the american women thing Arab girls are just evil man. Seriously their good girls but some love to steal other womens men and you know....show off. My spouses cousin always takes her hijab off when my spouse is talking with her dad and tries to talk with him and jump in the converstation and her dad looks at her like ####### are you doing...My spouse walks away and says "your ###### bestfriend is here"

I knew what he was like when I married him.He is a traditional algerian man and has his pros and cons...Im blaming myself now for even talking about things

[allousa 1]

I have seen time and time again, men and women (mostly women) continue to put themselves in destructive relationships because THAT is what is familiar to them. Someone looking from the outside may say, ####### is the matter with this person that they allow themselves to be treated like that. But for people in these relationships, often times, it is the manner that they have grown up in and it is in that kind of relationship that they know how to function. They may not know how to react or may feel uncomfortable with someone that isn't jealous or isn't controlling.

It is often very hard for people to break the cycle of these relationships. IMO, you have to look within yourself and BE HONEST about what you want.

Many people want to make this a MENA thing or a cultural thing, but this behavior ABSOLUTELY happens in America with American men. It happens all over the world for godsake! I am married to a Muslim man and I'm not treated the same way. This all goes back to the boundaries that you set for yourself in any kind of relationship.

You talk about how important it is to be safe with the children....keep in mind that your children will mimic your attitudes with relationships as they grow. Do you want that for them?

I am in no way trying to be disrepectful or hurtful...but brutally honest and helpful.

[hopeful... 0]

He is somewhat backwards,jealous and sometimes makes me crazy, but I didnt fall in love with a metrosexual open minded man....

seriously....I have never met an arabic man who was truly in love with his wife that would be cool with her hanging out with men all the time.Maybe long term friends...but come on....Im in love with a muslim...How many husbands here would be ok with their wives ogling men and hanging out with them all the time...Oh hell no...Not if its a real marriage

Well, personally, I fell in love with a human being, not a Muslim, not a Christian, not an Arabic man. As for me, I don't hang out with men all the time, but I do have male friends who I would NEVER give up, and thankfully my husband would never want me to give them up because, well, he trusts me and, he likes them, too. Yes, he's an Egyptian man who loves an American woman with male friends. It does happen. We met here in the States (not on the internet) so we had lots of time together before marriage, we've been together for about 5 years, he is very close with my family/friends, and I love that he's open minded. If the only thing he or I ever needs to "worry" about is that we gazed at another person of the opposite sex, I consider us VERY blessed.

I guess I misunderstood the reason you posted in the first place. If you're happy with the kind of guy you chose, then so be it, and I wish you all the best.

You met in the states...and had 5 years together..How in the world could my situation ever compare to yours?My husband has not been outside of his close knit community.As aggravated as I get with our differences,its not fair to compare him and contrast to either of your situations.Hes never ever seen a movie theater,an escalator,a dolphin, or any western thing other than what he has in Oran which is not much.....

You are right, our situations are very different. However, my point is that who you are with is your choice. You don't have to be with a man who is "irrationally jealous" as you wrote in your original post. I dont know why anyone (not just you) would want to be with a man who tells you with whom you can associate, whether or not to wear make up, how to dress, etc. It wouldn't work for me, and I cannot understand how a secure, free willed woman would want to hand over her decisions to any man. But, if it is what you want, then so be it. I don't know your SO, only you do, and you wrote a post seeming concerned about his double standards. It seemed to be a cause of concern for you, but, if it's really not bothering you, then no worries...

[SaadBell 0]

How well does he speak english? I can't imagine the culture shock he will have, if he speaks and understand english maybe he could try watching some movies american ones, or some kind of TV programs. Not sure if he can do that, but it might help with his english, and he can learn some american slang. Just keep talking to him, once he is here and see's it for himself, he will ease up. It is scarey for him to come to a big country that is so different that what he is used to. Even talking to another man from his country that has been in the states might help also. Good luck, I am sure he will adjust fine, and all this will be a distant memory.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

I haven't seen anyone attacking your husband. It seems that you are trying to keep things inside you that are bothering you. If things bother you now with your relationship it will only get worse later. This is why i said earlier to think long and hard before you bring him here. I think maybe you think he will change once he is here but I don't think that will happen. If you have been together for 5 years then you should know him pretty well by now and know how he is going to be. If you have kept it in for 5 years and haven't talked to him about it then he is going to think that if you have been keeping it in for 5 years then why can't you continue to do the same. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship. If you cannot talk with him about what is bothering you and reach some type of solution then there will be resentment. I hope you are able to work things out and be happy but it takes work. If you can't be happy with what he decides to do then you won't be happy. He either needs to change to make you happy or you need to accept him as he is and be happy.

[a1angied 0]

To the OP I pray that you will seek God and ask for His guidence, love and support. Being depressed and pregnant is not healthy for your unborn child as well as the child or children you already have.

I need to be real honest and state what I see is that you love drama and to be so involved in it. From what I read this is a full time job for you. Please I am in no way trying to pass judgement or be hurtful I am only saying what I honest view.

If I was in your shoes I would want to surround myself with positive, loving, caring, things so that I can help ease myself from the grips of depression not add to the misery.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

To the OP I pray that you will seek God and ask for His guidence, love and support. Being depressed and pregnant is not healthy for your unborn child as well as the child or children you already have.

I need to be real honest and state what I see is that you love drama and to be so involved in it. From what I read this is a full time job for you. Please I am in no way trying to pass judgement or be hurtful I am only saying what I honest view.

If I was in your shoes I would want to surround myself with positive, loving, caring, things so that I can help ease myself from the grips of depression not add to the misery.

[/quote

You are passing judgement willingly or unwillingly...

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

He is somewhat backwards,jealous and sometimes makes me crazy, but I didnt fall in love with a metrosexual open minded man....

seriously....I have never met an arabic man who was truly in love with his wife that would be cool with her hanging out with men all the time.Maybe long term friends...but come on....Im in love with a muslim...How many husbands here would be ok with their wives ogling men and hanging out with them all the time...Oh hell no...Not if its a real marriage

Well, personally, I fell in love with a human being, not a Muslim, not a Christian, not an Arabic man. As for me, I don't hang out with men all the time, but I do have male friends who I would NEVER give up, and thankfully my husband would never want me to give them up because, well, he trusts me and, he likes them, too. Yes, he's an Egyptian man who loves an American woman with male friends. It does happen. We met here in the States (not on the internet) so we had lots of time together before marriage, we've been together for about 5 years, he is very close with my family/friends, and I love that he's open minded. If the only thing he or I ever needs to "worry" about is that we gazed at another person of the opposite sex, I consider us VERY blessed.

I guess I misunderstood the reason you posted in the first place. If you're happy with the kind of guy you chose, then so be it, and I wish you all the best.

You met in the states...and had 5 years together..How in the world could my situation ever compare to yours?My husband has not been outside of his close knit community.As aggravated as I get with our differences,its not fair to compare him and contrast to either of your situations.Hes never ever seen a movie theater,an escalator,a dolphin, or any western thing other than what he has in Oran which is not much.....

You are right, our situations are very different. However, my point is that who you are with is your choice. You don't have to be with a man who is "irrationally jealous" as you wrote in your original post. I dont know why anyone (not just you) would want to be with a man who tells you with whom you can associate, whether or not to wear make up, how to dress, etc. It wouldn't work for me, and I cannot understand how a secure, free willed woman would want to hand over her decisions to any man. But, if it is what you want, then so be it. I don't know your SO, only you do, and you wrote a post seeming concerned about his double standards. It seemed to be a cause of concern for you, but, if it's really not bothering you, then no worries...

Decisions should be made by both people in a relationship. My wife wants me to make all the decisions and I am trying to get her to make some herself. I talk to her about it and tell her for example that she can buy what she wants in the grocery store even if it isn't something we normally buy. This is her culture and I understand it, she is afraid I will think she is taking advantage of me if she buys something without asking me first. I tell her always that the money we have is both of ours. She has always worked before we were married and maybe now that she is a stay at home mom it is hard for her to spend money she doesn't feel that she earned. I didn't tell her she had to stay home with our baby, she said before we were married that she wanted to stay home at least until our baby starts school. I am happy she is trifty with our money, if she went crazy spending I would worry but thang god she is tighter with money than I am. I always tell her you get what you pay for so she is learning that it is better to buy quality rather than quantity. I am truely blessed with my wife I just want to always make her happy. I would do anything for her that she would ask. Fortunately we both understand that being jelious is a destructive thing and we understand that we shouldn't do things that make each other jelious. I talk with women but I don't flirt. She talks with men and doesn't flirt and she doesn't wear low cut shirts or miniskirts. I know men and yes they will look at my wife but I know she loves me so I have no need to be jelious.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I haven't seen anyone attacking your husband. It seems that you are trying to keep things inside you that are bothering you. If things bother you now with your relationship it will only get worse later. This is why i said earlier to think long and hard before you bring him here. I think maybe you think he will change once he is here but I don't think that will happen. If you have been together for 5 years then you should know him pretty well by now and know how he is going to be. If you have kept it in for 5 years and haven't talked to him about it then he is going to think that if you have been keeping it in for 5 years then why can't you continue to do the same. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship. If you cannot talk with him about what is bothering you and reach some type of solution then there will be resentment. I hope you are able to work things out and be happy but it takes work. If you can't be happy with what he decides to do then you won't be happy. He either needs to change to make you happy or you need to accept him as he is and be happy.

I have not been with him 5 years..

To the OP I pray that you will seek God and ask for His guidence, love and support. Being depressed and pregnant is not healthy for your unborn child as well as the child or children you already have.

I need to be real honest and state what I see is that you love drama and to be so involved in it. From what I read this is a full time job for you. Please I am in no way trying to pass judgement or be hurtful I am only saying what I honest view.

If I was in your shoes I would want to surround myself with positive, loving, caring, things so that I can help ease myself from the grips of depression not add to the misery.

You had nothing positive to say.You just wanted to dig at me

How well does he speak english? I can't imagine the culture shock he will have, if he speaks and understand english maybe he could try watching some movies american ones, or some kind of TV programs. Not sure if he can do that, but it might help with his english, and he can learn some american slang. Just keep talking to him, once he is here and see's it for himself, he will ease up. It is scarey for him to come to a big country that is so different that what he is used to. Even talking to another man from his country that has been in the states might help also. Good luck, I am sure he will adjust fine, and all this will be a distant memory.

His english is very limited.He is a very traditional m'zab.I am just having some real concerns right now...He is having terrible culture shock even travelling 8 hours

[SaadBell 0]

I know he will be fine, in fact this might make him get the travel fever, and you both will travel all over the world. Just take a deep breath and know that you both love each other and have a precious baby coming.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

I haven't seen anyone attacking your husband. It seems that you are trying to keep things inside you that are bothering you. If things bother you now with your relationship it will only get worse later. This is why i said earlier to think long and hard before you bring him here. I think maybe you think he will change once he is here but I don't think that will happen. If you have been together for 5 years then you should know him pretty well by now and know how he is going to be. If you have kept it in for 5 years and haven't talked to him about it then he is going to think that if you have been keeping it in for 5 years then why can't you continue to do the same. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship. If you cannot talk with him about what is bothering you and reach some type of solution then there will be resentment. I hope you are able to work things out and be happy but it takes work. If you can't be happy with what he decides to do then you won't be happy. He either needs to change to make you happy or you need to accept him as he is and be happy.

I have not been with him 5 years..

To the OP I pray that you will seek God and ask for His guidence, love and support. Being depressed and pregnant is not healthy for your unborn child as well as the child or children you already have.

I need to be real honest and state what I see is that you love drama and to be so involved in it. From what I read this is a full time job for you. Please I am in no way trying to pass judgement or be hurtful I am only saying what I honest view.

If I was in your shoes I would want to surround myself with positive, loving, caring, things so that I can help ease myself from the grips of depression not add to the misery.

You had nothing positive to say.You just wanted to dig at me

How well does he speak english? I can't imagine the culture shock he will have, if he speaks and understand english maybe he could try watching some movies american ones, or some kind of TV programs. Not sure if he can do that, but it might help with his english, and he can learn some american slang. Just keep talking to him, once he is here and see's it for himself, he will ease up. It is scarey for him to come to a big country that is so different that what he is used to. Even talking to another man from his country that has been in the states might help also. Good luck, I am sure he will adjust fine, and all this will be a distant memory.

His english is very limited.He is a very traditional m'zab.I am just having some real concerns right now...He is having terrible culture shock even travelling 8 hours

As a resonsible man I would not get married and have a baby if i didn't have a way to support my wife. If he is having a major cultural shock are you willing to relocate to his country?

[SaadBell 0]

I know he will be fine, in fact this might make him get the travel fever, and you both will travel all over the world. Just take a deep breath and know that you both love each other and have a precious baby coming.

I know he will be fine, in fact this might make him get the travel fever, and you both will travel all over the world. Just take a deep breath and know that you both love each other and have a precious baby coming.

[*JG* 2]

Wahrania....what do you really want? I think that is the core of all of this.

Can you put up with him being so possessive and overbearing? If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to worry about. I fear, that is not the answer, though, or you wouldn't have brought up this subject.

Then, the question is can he accept some of this as life in the US and change his attitudes? If the answer is no, I then fear you are in for a bumpy ride.

Adjusting to the US, no matter what country you come from, is a tough time. If the person attempting to adjust does not have the ability to compromise, it will be very difficult for them and you.

I think you really need to have deep conversations with your hubby about all this.

I pray for you. I hope it all goes well.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I know he will be fine, in fact this might make him get the travel fever, and you both will travel all over the world. Just take a deep breath and know that you both love each other and have a precious baby coming.

I know he will be fine, in fact this might make him get the travel fever, and you both will travel all over the world. Just take a deep breath and know that you both love each other and have a precious baby coming.

im seeing some of this now....he was very excited today

Wahrania....what do you really want? I think that is the core of all of this.

Can you put up with him being so possessive and overbearing? If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to worry about. I fear, that is not the answer, though, or you wouldn't have brought up this subject.

Then, the question is can he accept some of this as life in the US and change his attitudes? If the answer is no, I then fear you are in for a bumpy ride.

Adjusting to the US, no matter what country you come from, is a tough time. If the person attempting to adjust does not have the ability to compromise, it will be very difficult for them and you.

I think you really need to have deep conversations with your hubby about all this.

I pray for you. I hope it all goes well.

i will...thanks

[a1angied 0]

All I can and will do for you Wahrania is pray for you that you can and will find peace.

I am sorry that you feel I want to dig at you, or want to just pass judgement. My only intention is for you to find some sort of serinty.