Compromise...

[Sprailenes 47]

What does compromise mean to you guys?

I feel like I have comprised by coming to New Jersey, however, I find it insanely expensive here and I know that I could be elsewhere and have a better life for my son, my husband and I. However my husband is happy here. This is the first real "issue" we are having. It's difficult. I am unhappy here, and he is happy here. He feels that if he leaves and goes elsewhere he'll be unhappy. He is right, it could very well happen, or it maybe it won't. Who knows.

I told my husband we could move to another state, not right away but start looking now and aim for two years, that there are other places that will allow us to have a better life and not be up to our ears in debt. I don't mean leave tomorrow. I don't mean this year. I understand he'll have to find a new job in his field etc etc. It takes time and money to move. I understand that.

But I would like to try.

I don't really like posting my "problems" for all to see, but I really think a lot of people on this site could relate. Therefore I am asking you all what you think about our little situation. How can we meet in the middle without this turning into an all out war regarding our own happiness.

Believe me I am not all around unhappy and miserable. I love my husband, but I am not happy with the area we are in. It's really expensive. I have mentioned about going to other areas that aren't expensive but he sees them as "ghetto"...even though I don't think they're that bad. It's not like we're going to Camden or something.

We lived together in Canada for 2 years. Things were fine...but now I notice my husband wants to move to a really nice place, and i know we can't afford it, but he's looking anyways. I don't want to go into debt just to live in a nice box.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Aww hon...

I'm so sorry.

I know we've talked about this before. This is one of my biggest fears, I'll go down to NJ and hate it but I guess that's the risk you take when you move away from your home to a whole new area.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. I know it's so crazy expensive there, the driving is insane. Looking at your post, this sentence says it all:

"I know that I could be elsewhere and have a better life for my son, my husband and I"

I think you should move. I know your husband is happy in Jersey, he's probably very use to it and of course he's afraid that elsewhere he won't be as happy but how will he know unless he tries? You tried, you moved, you took the chance and now it's not all you thought it would be.

He knows you are unhappy, he knows that you want to move...I think he should at least try, for your sake.

He needs to understand how unhappy you really are...I would even show him the post you just typed out, it says it all. You aren't saying you want to make a rash decision and up and move now, you are saying, hey, let's think about this, let's look at our options.

Marriage is about compromise, it's about being a team and when a part of that team is unhappy, something has to be done. You say he's looking at super expensive houses, why? Why not a nice fixer upper in a better location that you feel more comfortable with without breaking the bank?

You need to express these things to him in a calm manner. I would show him this thread.

If you are as unhappy as you say you are, something has to give. I hope he understands this, that it's no longer just him, it's him, it's you and your son. A family.

I wish you much luck hon...you'll figure it out, together...and as always, I'm here if you need to talk.

xo

[*JG* 2]

I have conflicting issues with this thread.

I was home sick last week and watching some channel that was comparing the housing market in Phoenix, Arizona, St. Louis, Missouri, and I think it was Las Angeles or New York. They compared houses in the $200,000, $400,000, and $800,000 range. The differences was stagering. St. Louis houses won out by far. Arizona was not far behind in the higher ranges. I would NOT live in the some of the houses they showed in that other area.....Little boxes in not so great neighborhoods!

That being said, I would not want any big changes in my life right now. Andre's been here almost 2 years and in that time we conqured a mountain of paperwork, taught him how to drive, found him a decent job, and worked on paying some bills, etc. Life is just starting to calm down a bit. I could see wanting to buy another house. But, to move to another state, buy a new house, start a new job--lose benefits and seniority.......it would all be too much change for me again so soon.

If it is really an issue with you, start researching other cities on the internet. Look at their median home prices, jobs available, cost of living, schools.....whatever you need. Present it to the hubby and talk it out.

I wish you well in wherever that road takes you.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Nice Tori quote and pic

It seems like money is the underlying issue. I dont really know what kind of advise to give. Some people will always want to live in a bigger house, a nicer nieghborhood.. even if that means huge debt. I dont mean anything negative towards your husband, only that this is a common thing. Its not right or wrong, but I think you have to be realistic.

I would rather be content and not stress about money and live in a smaller house, in a safe neighborhood.

Maybe moving out of state is too big of a jump for him... and perhaps with some persuading and such you guys can find a nieghborhood that is to his standards and yours. Im sorry you are not happy in your area.

How long have you been there? When I moved to Kentucky I literally cried myself to sleep at night for months. Then I made friends, and put down some roots... and realized how damn cheap it is here compared to california lol and forward 10 years.. here I am happy.

I wish the best and I hope your husband will truley comprimise with you. It sounds like you are trying to and he is not ??

[Delicia 1]

I know this feeling. I lived in Toronto with my husband for 2 years and I was absolutely miserable. I liked Toronto itself, great arts, nice people, but it was expensive, difficult to navigate. While being with my husband was incredibly nice and I enjoyed everything about it, living in a crazy expensive city and not being put through Canadian immigration in any kind of timely manner, my husband and I finally reached a compromise. When we finally threw in the towel on me getting through CIC (couldn't work, insure my car, no medical for either me or my son), we pulled out the U.S. map and researched our top 5 cities. We looked at weather, cost of living, crime stats, housing costs, just about everything, knowing that either or both of us would be traveling to visit family anyway, there were no holds barred. Then I started submitting resume's to companies in those 5 cities. That was in August 2007, exactly 2 years from moving from Minneapolis. By mid-September 2007, I had a job offer in Phoenix complete with relocation bonus.

I couldn't be happier with how it all just laid itself out like a road. My husband likes the desert, likes the low cost of living. Me working is definitely a bonus. As much as I complained about working too hard prior to my move to Toronto, I am just not happy and feel very unproductive when I am unemployed. Money became our driving force behind relocating to the U.S. I had already spent 2 years waiting for a work permit in Canada and we were absolutely out of funds having burned through the income I had from selling my house in Minneapolis. We had no money, no assets and no prospects in the near future.

I can't offer you specific advice, but moving to somewhere that neither of us had lived before is working for us. Granted my husband isn't living here yet, but he has been here 3 times since I moved and so far, likes everything about it although he thinks the summers are a little hard core heat wise.

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea it is hard. One of us is going to have to eventually "cave" so to speak.

I know I just got a job and everything is going well in that area, but its time we started looking for our own place now. The places he is looking at are places I can not afford. I told him how much I can put towards an apartment and he was really understanding. But I feel like I could do so much more if we lived somewhere affordable. And this is where the conflict comes in.

I know I'd be happy if we had a house and were more financially stable. He'd be happier staying here and working in the city like he does. This city job was one of his dreams. To take the high speed line in and work in the downtown area...it was his dream. My dream is to own an affordable home, in a safe environment.

Our dreams are conflicting. And I don't think in the four years we've been together, we've really sat down to discuss what we really want in that department. We should have. I understand that.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

This reminds me so much of my brother and his boyfriend, Steve.

Steve is much older than my dear brother Paul. Paul is an amazing photographer, he is currently at Sheridan, top of his class. He wants to live in a loft in Toronto and start his own company. Edgy, new, amazing food, art and product photography. He's going to be famous. Steve, while also a photographer is from way far up north, Timmins. He owns his own photography company up there but it's mostly like wedding shots, family photography.

While they could totally merge their two different styles into one killer company, Steve wants to move back to Timmins while Paul, as I said above, wants to live in the Tdot, living the life.

It's a conflict and a compromise. Steve is here while Paul is in school, that's his compromise but I dread when that is over (This year) that he'll expect Paul to just uproot and go north. I don't know what they are going to do but I'm sure they will find their way.

Finding out now that you both want two different things is probably a huge shock hon...and I'm sorry. All I know is that one of you has to possibly put their wants on the back burner for awhile.

Or...he'll have to commute to work from a smaller suburb where you can have the home and security you need for you and your son.

You love one another, you are a family, there has to be a way.

I'm thinking of you always.

[Sprailenes 47]

It is a lot like that situation...the country mouse and city mouse.

I think I'll be the one to put my wants on the back burner. Even if its for two years. I think after two years I can bring up the issue again and say: "Okay my turn please"

Does that sound fair? I think it sounds fair.

Also, we haven't even tried to live here on our own yet. I mean all we can do is try...when he realizes how expensive it is, maybe he too will want a simpler life elsewhere. Or maybe things will work out somehow, I'll find a better job and vice versa. Who knows right?

I am just really scared of us stepping out into the real world and everything just messing up. I think I may be counting my chickens well before they hatch...but I just have this feeling...and from what I see, its expensive. South Jersey is expensive and I don't know why. It's not like its amazing land or anything.

No offense south jersey ppl.

[Delicia 1]

The coasts on either side are generally expensive.

[Sprailenes 47]

yea call me crazy but I wouldn't mind moving to the midwest.

I used to be such a city girl, born and raised in Toronto etc etc. But now, maybe I'm just growing up, I just want something simple yanno.

[Carlawarla 1]

I understand what you're saying. What's funny, is that you mention the "midwest". I'm from the midwest. St. Louis is an awesome city. Coming from Saskatchewan, and the largest city in the province (200,000) when I first visited St. Louis I thought...oh no! big city! Not so. St. Louis while in comparison is big it has a real small town feel to it. It's lovely to live in the midwest! (Except for the weather...ick! 100 degree summers is SO awful). Anyway, what I was trying to get at, is that St. Louis is a large metropolitan city, while the cost of living in comparison to other large cities is affordable. Paying a mortgage that is what you'd be paying for an apartment, or less, is what's important when you're starting out. I wouldn't go for being "house poor".

Being out on your own is probably the best compromise. Unless things have changed, I remember you posting awhile back about what was going on in your home, and I think it's a good idea that all three of you move out to be on your own. But personally? Being in debt up to my eyeballs for a house in an area that you say you don't like is not the way to go right now. Maybe renting an apartment or townhouse for awhile would be the best way to go.

Wishing you luck in whatever you two decide!

[Sprailenes 47]

Oh god I WISH we were out of the in-laws but we're still here. He's waiting until I get paid he says to move. So I can help out. But its not like I make a lot of money right now, I mean, it's decent but in NJ standards I would be considered poor. We're looking at places and some of these 2 bedrooms apartments are up to 1500.00. You throw in heat and hydro and you have yourself a bit of an expensive place to live. In my opinion.

What I think will happen is we will move out and he'll realize how hard it really is, especially with a child. Our combined salary isn't enough to live a decent life here. But I will just wait and see. I am not going to bother him any more about it, I have said what I needed to say.

[Delicia 1]

I thought you mind find this interesting reading and perhaps make you feel a little less 'alone' in the Garden State.

[Sprailenes 47]

I thought you mind find this interesting reading and perhaps make you feel a little less 'alone' in the Garden State.

EXACTLY!

I just read this to my husband and he's like: "Yep...yep"

We all know what that means in "marriage" language right? It means: "I'm not really listening" or "would you drop it already!"