My fiancee was just offered an amazing scholarship for her Masters

[Matt_Stevens 5]

OK. When Anh and I met in person it was in Paris last October. She was there applying for a few different Masters programs. There was one she really wanted and she had her interview in November, but thought it went horribly and so she decided no way would she get it. So she forgot about it.

Meanwhile she and I are now in the whole K1 process (she just sent in pkt 3) and in her mind she would come to the U.S. once she gets the visa and get married.

Well, last week she got the letter saying she has the scholarship. September 2006 to August 2007 would be spent in Paris with all tuition paid for. She would need to work part time to pay for room and board, groceries, etc. Then September of 2007 to June of 2008 would be her final semesters in the United States! Georgia, to be exact. All but $8,000 of her tuition would be paid for.

She kept this news from me until today and has been talking about it with her parents and they all agree should should turn it down and just get married. I am FURIOUS about this. I understand the Vietnamese mentality of a woman needing to be married before age 26. I know her parents were getting worried she would never marry and are happy she has finally found someone. But come on!!!!

She wants to mail in the letter declining the offer and it took me about an hour today to convince her not to. Still, she does NOT want to wait until I get there in two weeks to make her decision. She lists all kinds of reasons and none of them make any sense to me at all. The fact is, she will want to go for her Masters at some point in the U.S. and it will cost a fortune! She and I will be paying the student loans off until we are dead. A career is very important to her and yet she will turn down this golden opprtunity because she is worried about paying her way in France and the 8 grand once she gets to Georgia (8 grand that I would take care of!).

This is the opportunity of a lifetime and I think she should take it. I am upset that she would actually keep this information from me and make a decision as though I do not exist. Had she told me and we discussed it, but in the end she said no to the chance, OK, I could live with that. But this is ridiculous. Why keep me out in the cold? You do not do that to a person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with.

Not happy right now. Not sure what to do. I'll call her tomorrow night and hope to God she has not sent the letter in. She has until May 25 to decide so why not wait until then?!?!?!

Edited April 25, 2006 by Matt_Stevens

[MrsBruce5 0]

Hi Matt,

It is a wonderful opportunity-to you-but maybe not to her right now...

Right now, it's just not what she wants for herself. Keep in mind that she is NOT American, and culturally, she is different. Her values are more traditional it seems...and it's not worth it to her just now.

She can go to school on grants here once she is established. She is young and has her whole life ahead of her.

Ultimately, it's her decision- and as her man, she needs your support regardless of your agreeing with her choice or not.

I have to say Matt, apart from the fact I am a 37 year old American woman, I would turn it down too if the circumstances were the same. I would rather give it up for now and begin my life with the one I love.

A relationship thrives on love, friendship and loyalty. Finances and career opportunities are secondary. Money will come and go, but a solid friendship can withstand ANYTHING.

Just my opinion.

Try to understand where she stands.

-Rose

[Matt_Stevens 5]

I am trying to understand. But I am upset that she would hold this information from me for almost one week and only tell me once she decided.

How can she get grants here? I have looked into that and only see bad news. Everything I see in my research tells me we will have to pay pay pay once she is here and no longer considered a citizen of Vietnam.

[MrsBruce5 0]

Hi Matt,

Don't get me wrong, I understand your point as well. Maybe she was simply thinking things through before she wanted to talk about it... we women do that. It's not a matter of keeping info from you-we just like to have our heads straight before we open such a door and invite discussion on the topic.

Can she not get a grant here once she naturalizes??

I am under the impression that there are MANY grants available out there.

I was a med student until 2 years ago and got income based grants, grants based upon my GPA, and grants b/c I was woman over 30...and yeah, I am paying back some student loans, but they are a fraction of the norm due to the grants I snagged. Each school is different as far as what they offer...

The bottom line is that this woman loves you and wants to be with you-not in Paris.

-Rose

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Rose, I offered to go to Paris to be with her.

[MrsBruce5 0]

Oh, didn't know that...

Does she maybe want to start a family right away??

I have a few Vietnamese friends, male & female and they are quite focused on their families...it's actually quite nice to see...

Find out her reasons for not wanting to go...

Don't worry-everything works out.

-Rose

[iceyspots 0]

wow... opportunities like that dont come by everyday... I was just thinking today about how nice it would be to just be able to GO to france...

[Matt_Stevens 5]

She does not want kids until she has her Masters and I told her and have told her I want us to have at least two years before kids. She has always been fine with that idea.

I really do not know what is going on in her mind because she is not telling me.

Edited April 25, 2006 by Matt_Stevens

[dalegg 143]

I'm sure this is a point you've already brought up to her, but what if you have problems getting the fiancee visa? If she sits in AR while she could be sitting in Paris-ouch!

[Jasman0717 9]

You really need to sit her down and talk about this. That was an excellent opportunity and she shouldn't let it go to waste! Good luck

[Matt_Stevens 5]

I'm sure this is a point you've already brought up to her, but what if you have problems getting the fiancee visa? If she sits in AR while she could be sitting in Paris-ouch!

Exactly! Why didn't I think to say this when I talked to her this morning?!

I think I will call her before she goes to work.

[patricks 0]

Matt:

Why didn't she consult you? Good Question......? There were so many times in Vietnam, I asked WHY? What's "common sense" to you and I, isn't always "common" in Vietnam.

Welcome to Vietnam, you'll have a whole life time to figure it out, now that you're part of the family.

My wonderful Vietnamese wife has definitely taught me "patience"

Good Luck

[dalegg 143]

Matt:

Why didn't she consult you? Good Question......? There were so many times in Vietnam, I asked WHY? What's "common sense" to you and I, isn't always "common" in Vietnam.

Welcome to Vietnam, you'll have a whole life time to figure it out, now that you're part of the family.

My wonderful Vietnamese wife has definitely taught me "patience"

Good Luck

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN!!

[chocolaterie 0]

Yes I think this is a great opportunity for her. Education is so important, and the fact that she received a scholarship when funds are so limited... how much time does she have to decide? I might suggest applying for some scholarships in the usa.. but other than that this does sound like a very tough situation. Good Luck!

[dalegg 143]

Actually, I think the solution is simple.

I get it that she is a traditional gal who doesn't want to shack up with someone who she is only engaged with, so

- withdraw your K-1 Petition

- cancel your engagement ceremony

- have marriage ceremony instead

- move to France as husband and wife having year long honeymoon in Paris

- next year move to U.S. as U.S. citizen and Student

- Apply for AOS while in US under a different status.

Think of the problems you solve!

- no more worries about blue slip or co-sponsor issues

- no living in sin

- you have time to build income history for affidavit of support

- and most importantly, no more Mr. Blue Balls.

See- problem solved.