Husband and family think I am RICH! Hellllpppp

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Hey everyone.

Well, here is an update.

I will start from the beginning. This is LONG....lol

I met my SO in 2004 because I was there looking for my 2 kidnapped boys (ages 5 & 6 at the time).

My previous husband (who is also Gambian but a different tribe) had gotten himself deported (he was already out of status) and had taken the kids by way of asking could they "visit" since he couldn't come back. I had never known him to lie before so I let them go for 30 days to see family then come back. During that time I kept in touch by phone and everything was going well. After two weeks the phone was cut. This happened after I informed my then husband that I wasn't going to live in Gambia because the u.s is my home. (He had asked me to come also though we had been separated since 1999 & legally since 2000). (due to my not knowing the african culture and his particular tribe at that time and how they work 24/7. I am african-american by the way and I met him here in the U.S.).

Anyway, when I realized that my kids weren't coming back (after the phone was cut), I cashed in an annuity I had and hopped the plane to Gambia. (Didn't know ANYONE there).

Where I had gotten a room (in a nice compound owned by a british couple) is where I met my present husband. He lived next door with his extended family.

Everyone knew why I was there and did there best to comfort me. Also my present husband was very accommodating and the perfect gentleman (still is except for his occasional lapse in the mouth department, haha).

Anyway, I located my kids (got to see them for 10 minutes out of the whole 2 week trip) at the compound that my ex grew up in (couldn't take them back due to being surrounded by the whole village and them explaining that my kids couldn't go because they are the only boy children of my ex and he is the oldest male child to support the family. Like I cared! Gimme my kids. lol).

When I went back to the U.S. , I enlisted the FBI's help and NCMEC, also the police. I got them registered as kidnapped children, got their passports flagged and god knows what else. (I was in a rush to call everyone under the sun and notify any agency who would listen).

Then, I decided to go back in Dec.2006 to Gambia. I saw my present hubby again and fell in love. It wasn't the kind of love I could conceive of. You see, I came their with not much money, so when we realized that we still had feelings for each other from 2 years before, we married right away to avoid premarital relations (we are both muslims and I was muslim before I met him and my ex husband anyway).

Since I didn't have much money, he paid for me to get a driver and car to try and go to see my kids again at their compound (which is in the rural area -upcountry- of Gambia). It cost him 6000 Dalasis to get the car and driver and another 2000 for incidentals. So 8000 dalasis. Mind you, he had worked for 3 years to save that money, is poor and his rent at his home where he now lives is only 700 dalasis for a month and he basically needs about 1500 dalasis to live comfortably each month. (the exchange rate is $21 for our $1).

Anyway, we didn't even get to see my kids that time and I was totally distraught and crying my head off in the car on the way back to town (a 6 hour ride). The whole time he held my head in his lap and told me to sleep to avoid the pain. He kept smiling and showing me the road as we drove back. (I knew it was a ruse to keep my mind off of what had just happened. He explained that tribes are different and that my ex's tribe is uneducated, only keep to themselves and believe in male children going abroad when older to start the cycle of providing for the ones left behind. He thought that if I didn't get them now, that my kids would eventually come looking for me when they were old enough to think for themselves.

Anyway, he became SUPER attentive to the point of cooking for me, back rubs, carrying me over mudpuddles, even scratching me in my sleep when the mosquito's were trying to carry me away in their "band of brothers". I couldn't sleep from having to wake up every 30 seconds to scratch a mosquito bite. hahaha.

Anyway, we shared more than the average couple would share in a lifetime because of the fiasco surrounding the kidnapping. I assume we are no longer in the just married, non personal mine is mine-yours is yours-stage.

So now, he has become sort of different in the sense that he is more aggressive and not as low-key as before. Whereas before he was playful and would say "I am a poor bush boy. help me out". (in a joking way). Now he get's upset because I can't send anything. Though he doesn't verbalize his anger directly at me,..he says "you have lived here and know exactly the situation, why not share?". Since I don't have it, it comes off to him as if I don't want to give. I know for a fact that he would provide for me when he is here in the U.S., however, I can't do for him right now and this is upsetting for him since he thinks I'm just being selfish and that I am keeping up my guard due to the situation. Not true.

So, in a nutshell, I know that he is not simply seeking a green card or money frivolously.

Has anyone here ever found a happy medium in this department? And yes, I have spoken with him about the money difference several times but I know in the back of his mind, he really believes I am rich.

As for leaving him,...nah, that isn't an option. I was thinking about stopping the petition because if we had issues about money now, they would get enhanced living in "Money Pit USA".

Bring on the comments. Lol.

The fact he used his money on you means NOTHING....he could very well have made an 'investment', which he's now slightly disgruntled isn't paying the dividends he expected.....

I find it quite odd that he feels he has the right to EXPECT money, for me it stinks of indignation - ie 'I s[ent my money on you, how dare you not help me'....

Quite frankly, I think you're making a HUGE mistake, but at the end of the day, only you can decide.

I notice you have asked for advice, yet seem to defend your decision at every turn.

I feel you are looking for us to soothe the niggling voice that's telling you not to do it.

Seems that you want us to tell you to go ahead, to marry him.

Unfortunately, I just don't think that's a good idea.

My heart truly aches for you at the loss of your kids. I cannot imagine where you got the strength to go on, you have been through every mother's worst nightmare

I hope one day you get them back and I hope your ex rots in hell

I just wanted to say......that culturally, it's not abnormal for the children to "belong" to the father and his family. In my SOs tribe, if there is a divorce, the children automatically go with the father. He and I have had long talks about that because he has a strong fear of losing my daughter and I explained that our culture doesn't work that way. The courts usually award physical custody to the mother here, but it's not always the same in other places. That's probably why she's having such a hard time getting anyone to help her get her boys back. It's painful, but real. He probably doesn't see that anything wrong has happened.

[We_Destiny 1]

I just wanted to say......that culturally, it's not abnormal for the children to "belong" to the father and his family. In my SOs tribe, if there is a divorce, the children automatically go with the father. He and I have had long talks about that because he has a strong fear of losing my daughter and I explained that our culture doesn't work that way. The courts usually award physical custody to the mother here, but it's not always the same in other places. That's probably why she's having such a hard time getting anyone to help her get her boys back. It's painful, but real. He probably doesn't see that anything wrong has happened.

I agree with you !00%, he and his family probably think she is being un-reasonable to keep making request for their return.

Stay strong and don't give up, they are American citizens and that should prevail.

[JJWashington 0]

Yes, unfortunately Zainab is accurate, specifically in Africa. I agree that since they are US Citizens, you should be able to get them back. I feel for you. I would not be able to function if someone took my children from me. My thoughts are prayers are with you.

[reeses16 8]

Hi! I just found this thread today. It was an interesting read.

For the original poster,

My hubby and I did a K1 visa. Before we were married and he was in Ethiopia we talked about money. He didn't think I was rich, but he really didn't understand my financial situation until he got here. Things have worked out very well for us.

Before your husband gets here I recommend you send him a bank statement, like someone else mentioned. Cross out your account #, (I know you trust him, but if he doesn't keep your info secure someone else may get it) and categorize everything; rent, food, transport, etc. and show him how much is left over...don't forget to include a credit card statement if you have it to show you have a bill you can't pay outright but must pay over time). Or just make an excel sheet and e-mail it. Try to explain your situation in a real context.

Once he's here....

People asking for money: None of my hubby's friends ask for money. Well, maybe they ask and he just tells them 'no' so its never discussed. The only person in our family who asks for money is his youngest brother. He's 25 and expects us to take care of him. The only time he calls is to ask my hubby for money. They've had some heated phone calls with my hubby telling him that he's an adult and should be on his own and that we will not send him money. I admire him for being firm; but thats just who my hubby is. After my hubby was in the US for 3 months he wrote a very long letter to his family explaining to everyone what life is like in America and how hard things are. Thats its not an easy life like you see in the movies, its hard to find a job, and hard to save money. He also told his family that he needs to concentrate on saving for our family and our future. It wasn't any easy thing to do, but everyone seems to understand except the youngest.

Sending Money home: We have a tight budget and we don't want to feel expected to send money. We've decided that we will not send money regularly, only on holidays and special occasion- if we can. We set an amount that we would like to send and save for it over 2 or 3 months.

Handling finances: At first I wanted him to be more involved with managing the money (I wanted it to be 50/50), but he preferred me to be in charge. I think its better that way (bills coming in different days, credit card interest rate etc). You mess up once and your interest rate my change. I manage the money and just give him a morning report on how much money we can spend, usually a post it stuck to his wallet. You can create some major problems if you give your hubby too much responsibility too quickly. Be careful.

Edited January 24, 2008 by reeses16

[Donna A 4]

i agree...make copies of all ur bills and you pay stubs. save copies of grocery reciets and send them to him...he can do the math and see where ur money goes and there is none left for him.

[His Glory 25]

Hi! I just found this thread today. It was an interesting read.

For the original poster,

My hubby and I did a K1 visa. Before we were married and he was in Ethiopia we talked about money. He didn't think I was rich, but he really didn't understand my financial situation until he got here. Things have worked out very well for us.

Before your husband gets here I recommend you send him a bank statement, like someone else mentioned. Cross out your account #, (I know you trust him, but if he doesn't keep your info secure someone else may get it) and categorize everything; rent, food, transport, etc. and show him how much is left over...don't forget to include a credit card statement if you have it to show you have a bill you can't pay outright but must pay over time). Or just make an excel sheet and e-mail it. Try to explain your situation in a real context.

Once he's here....

People asking for money: None of my hubby's friends ask for money. Well, maybe they ask and he just tells them 'no' so its never discussed. The only person in our family who asks for money is his youngest brother. He's 25 and expects us to take care of him. The only time he calls is to ask my hubby for money. They've had some heated phone calls with my hubby telling him that he's an adult and should be on his own and that we will not send him money. I admire him for being firm; but thats just who my hubby is. After my hubby was in the US for 3 months he wrote a very long letter to his family explaining to everyone what life is like in America and how hard things are. Thats its not an easy life like you see in the movies, its hard to find a job, and hard to save money. He also told his family that he needs to concentrate on saving for our family and our future. It wasn't any easy thing to do, but everyone seems to understand except the youngest.

Sending Money home: We have a tight budget and we don't want to feel expected to send money. We've decided that we will not send money regularly, only on holidays and special occasion- if we can. We set an amount that we would like to send and save for it over 2 or 3 months.

Handling finances: At first I wanted him to be more involved with managing the money (I wanted it to be 50/50), but he preferred me to be in charge. I think its better that way (bills coming in different days, credit card interest rate etc). You mess up once and your interest rate my change. I manage the money and just give him a morning report on how much money we can spend, usually a post it stuck to his wallet. You can create some major problems if you give your hubby too much responsibility too quickly. Be careful.

Wow! Good advice. Thanks for reposting that reese

[JJWashington 0]

I agree!! Thanks Reese

[Linguere 0]

To be honest, really honest...I've spent a lot of time on the continent and most of my friends are from the continent. I've seen a lot of fake weddings. I commonly see young guys in Africa wooing older European and American women so that they can get the GC. It's a mission. People talk about spending their whole life trying to do so. I get asked for my shoes, my purse, my phone whatever. Almost every person will ask me for something, even if it isn't at that time. Many people that I meet have an agenda because as much as I talk about homelessness, police brutality and the realities of living in America (we sleep less and work more than ever) they are SURE that every single person here has money. They will even argue with me and they have never traveled anywhere. This all happens in an African language. I have even had some street vendors in the states (total strangers) ask me to hook them up with an American for GC purposes. I have seen this for many years. I've watched it happen to my friends (African) who have citizenship. Many USCs do not realize how prevelant these things are. No matter how much older the USC is, if the money ticket (marrying a USC) will help the entire family, they will be "romanced". I have even watched it happen so that the (African) wife allows her husband to romance a USC in front of her, pretending not to be his wife. She did this so that if her husband would marry the USC, the whole family would gain the profit. This guy was so full of poetry and sweet words. I have seen it all! So, with that said, I agree with what someone said earlier. No money = no wife in Africa. If you are familiar enough with the culture, you know that the man has to be the provider for everything. Be careful with what precedents you set in terms of giving. It does make people believe that you have. Even if your husband listens and believes you, there is something deeply ingrained in him that will make him want to believe that you are rich because he has been raised to believe that about the West. You can talk for days but many will never believe that you are not. I have had my heart broken many times when people I thought were my friends finally made their move and asked for something. It's like an investment sometimes. They spend a lot of time investing in what you think is a friendship so that they can begin asking. It's so calculated that it can be painful. There are many good people in Africa who will never ask for anything and will be happy to feed you and give things to you, because that is actually the culture. The traveler is supposed to be given gifts when they leave. The perceptions are just way off and that is due to miseducation, media and sometimes, just the need to believe. People die in boats every day trying to get to the Canary Islands and it is because of these beliefs that the West is lined in gold. Just be very careful and perhaps call less so that he may understand. Ask him to skype you instead if there are cybercafes. Lessons (by the foreign spouse and his family) learned early can me it less painful for you both when he arrives in the states.

Personally, I thought I would never marry anyone who was living on the continent because of all that I have seen. It just turned out that I met someone that already had residency in Europe (we met while I was doing research) and had been traveling for many years. It is because of that fact that his family well understands that people are struggling in Europe just as they are anywhere else. My husband lost many friends when he started traveling because they thought he should come back and give them pockets of money. He spends a lot of time educating people about what it is really like. His family doesn't even flash me, they call me. They know that I am also struggling. I thank God every day for the wonderful family that I have.

I do have many friends who do not answer the phone for the international calls that come in because they only want money. Every single situation will arise while your husband is in the U.S. in which they need money to fix. It is difficult for anyone to understand who has not been in the West or does not have close family in the West. One clando taxi driver (I mean I was taking the clando - 50 cents - everyday!) told me that he thought i could simply go to the U.S. embassy and sign a paper and be given money. I have seen fellow students have nervous breakdowns from their own family calling them and shouting at them for money, accusing them of being selfish and hording their money. This is a well-known and deep reality that must be dealt with and you, the USC can make your SO/husband understand. I forgot what the currency is in The Gambia, but you could explain what your bills are in that currency. You can make a spreadsheet to show that there is no extra money.

By the way, I love the idea of having two phones. That's great!!! That way you don't have to turn off the (primary) phone in case of an emergency. If you husband is on board with you, the family and friends issue will get easier. I wish you the very best. This is a very difficult issue that many end up dealing with. Have faith and be careful. Be strong and firm.

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

I agree about many doing anything to come here. I am a member of forums elsewhere related to Americans and Africans and I cringe at times when a 50+ woman comes in all thrilled at her 20 something hubby. I have serious doubts on the longevity of such unions. I know my future inlaws have given me lots of requests to "keep my eye out for someone" Not that all the people that are looking to be hooked up are bad. One is just about to complete his medical degree. It is just so many people want so badly to come here.

When it comes to money , we have talked and have an understanding. I make enough money to cover the "America" bills. When he gets here he will work and contribute to any enhancement to life above the bills he wants. He will be the source of vacation monies and also money that will go back to Nigeria. We want to build a place there , a guest house so he will be saving for that. He has been very good about not letting family make requests.

[garya505 2]

Any ideas? Well, be careful with this guy. This could get worse once he's here with you. If someone treated me like that I'd walk away, married or not. My wife and her family never asked me for a penny, though I do help them out from time to time.

[garya505 2]

i agree...make copies of all ur bills and you pay stubs. save copies of grocery reciets and send them to him...he can do the math and see where ur money goes and there is none left for him.

If you have to do all that, there is something seriously wrong wth the relationship.

[taurean 0]

Hi! I just found this thread today. It was an interesting read.

For the original poster,

My hubby and I did a K1 visa. Before we were married and he was in Ethiopia we talked about money. He didn't think I was rich, but he really didn't understand my financial situation until he got here. Things have worked out very well for us.

Before your husband gets here I recommend you send him a bank statement, like someone else mentioned. Cross out your account #, (I know you trust him, but if he doesn't keep your info secure someone else may get it) and categorize everything; rent, food, transport, etc. and show him how much is left over...don't forget to include a credit card statement if you have it to show you have a bill you can't pay outright but must pay over time). Or just make an excel sheet and e-mail it. Try to explain your situation in a real context.

Once he's here....

People asking for money: None of my hubby's friends ask for money. Well, maybe they ask and he just tells them 'no' so its never discussed. The only person in our family who asks for money is his youngest brother. He's 25 and expects us to take care of him. The only time he calls is to ask my hubby for money. They've had some heated phone calls with my hubby telling him that he's an adult and should be on his own and that we will not send him money. I admire him for being firm; but thats just who my hubby is. After my hubby was in the US for 3 months he wrote a very long letter to his family explaining to everyone what life is like in America and how hard things are. Thats its not an easy life like you see in the movies, its hard to find a job, and hard to save money. He also told his family that he needs to concentrate on saving for our family and our future. It wasn't any easy thing to do, but everyone seems to understand except the youngest.

Sending Money home: We have a tight budget and we don't want to feel expected to send money. We've decided that we will not send money regularly, only on holidays and special occasion- if we can. We set an amount that we would like to send and save for it over 2 or 3 months.

Handling finances: At first I wanted him to be more involved with managing the money (I wanted it to be 50/50), but he preferred me to be in charge. I think its better that way (bills coming in different days, credit card interest rate etc). You mess up once and your interest rate my change. I manage the money and just give him a morning report on how much money we can spend, usually a post it stuck to his wallet. You can create some major problems if you give your hubby too much responsibility too quickly. Be careful.

reese: thanks for posting your comments! I can appreciate your post because it sounds a lot like mine and my husband's situation. As yet, there haven't been a lot of money request issues, but it could be because a lot of his family has either travelled abroad or is already living abroad (Europe mostly) and so already understand the financial realities. Personally I believe that there is an obligation to provide back at home, but there need to be parameters in place for doing that, and it is best for this to be an ongoing conversation. So going back to the OP's question, the best way to deal with it is just to accept the economic realities that your spouse, his family and friends are facing. Doing so might allow you to understand what issues can come up and help you better anticipate how things might be when your husband arrives.

The rule of thumb that we have adopted for handling finances is that we base financial contribution to the household on the percentage of income that each person brings in. This way no one feels like they are doing everything, and the numbers can be adjusted when financial situations change.

Edited January 25, 2008 by taurean

[Perseverance 1]

My husband said he knew and understood "financial life" in this country but nothing helped him like living here and seeing it first hand. Having his own bills helped too, like his car payment, and credit card payment...he is responsible for his bills, I manage the rest, he deposits money into our joint account for the household bills, as do I, we both have our own private accounts as well. He gets the calls about money from back home we do what we can when we can, we have also had our share of arguements about sending money over. the way I see it is if you do it everytime, it will be expected and I feel that it is not always a must. (depending on who is asking and for what) as far as sending money before he got here, I sent what I could when I could, I did not want him to go without and if I had it to send then I did.

[bhajishah 4]

RUN LIKE THE HORSE WILD FIRE!!!! HES THE MAN HE IS SUPPOSE TO BREAD WIN FOR HIS FAMILY OF ORIGIN!!!!! OCC GIFT OK>>THE RST IS HIM HIS FATHER AND BROTHERS PROBLEM< YOU ARE THE FEMALE WIFE PESON!!!!SAY NO TO GVING $$$ AND NO MORE BS FROM HIS SIDE OF THE LIKE OR YOU ARE BYE BYE>> IF we really have to go overseas for a good pieve than that is ludacriss there is plenty of men in our country for that hahahah how old are these boys and friends ???!! educated or not????

[*JG* 2]

Salutations,

I can't tell you about your situation and I can not tell you what to do. I can however talk about me and my situation. First of all, I had to explain my finances to my husband i.e. (how much my rent is, how much my bills are), every thing you pay for monthly is a bill; how much my household needs are (i.e. laundry cost, gas, kids needs and recreational costs). Then I explained to him how much I bring in on a monthly basis. I also had to inform him that you were taking care of yourself before I came into your life, continue to do so now, the only difference is you are making plans to include me in your life as your wife once you make it to the states. I also told him I thought I married a man, not a boy (I had to tell him that because when I questioned him about important decision making matters, he would inform me that "I am a man, not a child"), so that being said, be a man! Now don't get me wrong, I do send him care a package every 2-3 months, (and I inform him anything that can't fit into the box, does not get sent)! So he makes sure he has his list in order. As far as his family and friends are concerned, they can beg until the cows come home, before I married him I had obligations and responsibilities. Those obligations and responsibilies did not go away since we got married and my immediate concerns are my household, not his family. He is my secondary priority, not his family. And besides, what would they do if I were not in the picture. So that is UNOz little monologue, I hope this helps.

Next speaker

p.s. excuse me, I almost forgot...you stated women go to his country for the ding ding, get real, a woman can get a wet azz here in the states for free let alone paying for a trans atlantic trip to the unknown to take a chance on the unknown. okay, I'm done.

Next

Thank you so much for these words. I've been saying the same things over and over and over again to people who knock me for standing up for myself as well.

I might just copy some of your words the next time it comes up.