Having a flood of emotions

[ose_n_me 0]

I am starting this thread because I am sure there others like me who are feeling so alone and emotional right now. Its hard to talk to or explain to family and friends what we are going thru, they just dont understand. As hard as they try to be there, comfort us, reasure us, listen to us, sympathize with us...they still can never know what this journey feels like.

At first (before finding this website)I thought I was alone. Then got relief in knowing others were going thru it, and I could seek their support and encouragement. Then after being here(VJ) for awhile...got scared(paranoid) at reading all the horror stories from those having problems at different levels of the process. Now, after recieving my NOA2, I thought the worst of the roller coaster ride was behind me. But its really only the beginning.

I am talking mainly of the emotional issues of both the USC and SO.

In one instant....my husbands family went from elation that our approval was finally rec'd, to sadness at the realization that their oldest child/brother (a crucial member of the family with many responsibilites both physically and emotionally) was leaving. Although he is in his 30's..he still lived with his family(8 siblings, youngest 11yrs old), contributed financially and served as head of household when dad was at work or out of town on business. My husband tries to be strong when we talk about it..but at times he has broken down, overwhelmed with emotion.

I am feeling the enormity of this situation on all of us. And its so much deeper than just the adjustment of him or I, when he gets home..but on the life of his entire family when he is no longer there. And then theres the emotions of my family. My older kids (20, 21) feel helpless to console me. They didnt have the advantage of meeting and loving my husband and his family as my 12yr old did. Its hard for them when I am upset because they dont know what to do or say.

I just feel like this experience is so filled with up and down emotions, and that theres always going to be an undertone of sadness associated with leaving the only thing u have ever known (life, culture, family etc.) No matter how much time passes, or how well we think we are adjusting...to me it will always make me feel extraordinary to know that he loved me enough to take this journey with me, despite all the unknowns and emotional suffering we have been thru and continue to go thru.

The intent of this topic is to be a place to release emotions about how this journesy is affecting each of us...as individuals. Please be respectful with ur posts and lets not turn this into anything judgemental or argumentative. Its personal feelings. If u dont agree or feel comfortable sharing then move on. I personally feel alot better when I get things out..especially writing it...so to me this is therapy!!!

Any one interested in joining the group session? Its free! Pull up a chair!!!!!

[Ta Ta 1]

You are right that the NOA 2 is only the beginning.

It has been a 3 year journey for us.

2005 we met. 2006 I filed. 2007 interview and the dreaded AP. Second interview April 10.

It has been a roller coaster of emotion I can tell you that. 10 months in AP was the worst part. Not knowing anything. Just the black hole,

the abyss.

Now we have a date to look forward to.

My grown kids do not favor our relationship.......they think I have lost my mind. My friends try to be supportive but don't understand.

My solution was to bond closely with a few VJ'ers and we call each other and cry on each others shoulder when it gets really rough. We email daily.

I feel they are the only ones who understand fully.

They know ! They really know !

Find someone positive who you can share with like that, it really helps.

As for my fiance's family, there is only a 17 year old daughter, the rest were killed in the war. Some extended family and a step brother.

We will send for the daughter as soon as he is settled here and working.

She will live with the extended family until then.

I found that after all this time my tears have decreased, I have become calmer. I don't know why. I guess I had to for my emotional

survival.

We are heading into the last stretch, the dreaded 2. in depth interview.

78 more days until we see each other again........it has been 2 years since we have been together. I can't believe it has been this long.

We talk every day, 2 - 4 times. He lost his job and computer access since last September. Man, it has been rough to say the least.

Edited January 18, 2008 by Omoba

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Wow!

Well I had an emotional melt down a couple weeks ago. And I definitely understand everything you are saying. The hard part is not just the journey, but that it's almost like you aren't going through it together because you are so far apart and can't hold each other and cry.....or make each other laugh when you call NVC and they still don't have any news for you. The distance is heartwrenching.

[chispas 0]

All of your concerns are valid. After going through the process and anticipating his arrival, I freaked out right at the end because now the reality of the situation all came to a head. More in PM

Just had to edit as I noticed you are two hours away from. I was up in your area last Sunday. OK now I am off topic

Edited January 18, 2008 by chispas

[*JG* 2]

Well, since I am further along in the process, I am going to give you the "before and after" insight. My husband was also the head of his household, as he is the oldest son. Two of his older sisters died and one moved to the US a few years before him. This left him shouldering more the the burden then he wanted to. My husband is young enough and childless and did not necessarily enjoy his upbringing nor having to basically take care of 8 children that aren't his biologically.

While his family went through the same feelings you mentioned....elation and then deflation.....my husband was excited about a new life, something so different then he had ever known.

He has adjusted well, enjoying almost everything. His family has not adjusted so well. That is a constant struggle to help them when we are able and to rebuff them when we are not. One thing I have noticed, when they must, they do come up with other means of support.

If you think the emotions are all over the place now, just you wait. I laugh when I hear people say, it's almost over cause he has his interview date. Today, you are frustrated and lonely and you think once he get's approved, it will all be better. The nervousness and elation at the interview, turns into celebration and happiness. It is fleeting. Soon, yes, you will have him with you; but that is a blessing and a curse some days. Adjustment is difficult....he's bored, he's scared, he's impatient, whatever. I spent so much time and energy trying to make sure he wasn't bored and was happy, that I lost myself. I worked myself to death to pay bills. I was tired and angry and scared for the future. I would come home some days from working 16 hours to hear him tell me he was bored!

Not to say that it wasn't all worth it. In our case, it has worked itself out just by taking things day by day and talking it all out. I don't care what anyone says, I think it is a much harder adjustment to newlywed life then most people experience. You will find out you are stronger then anyone ever gave you credit for. I feel it is worth every second of all of it. Anyone who tells you this man is not worth it, just doesn't get it.

I just wrote this to tell you to learn how to deal with your emotions the best that you can. It will be an ongoing thing for a very long time. We have all been where you are or are where you are now. And we do understand.

I have survived the journey thus far. You will too. Just hang in there.

[chispas 0]

JOMO, I knew I could count on you to say what I couldn't get out verbally. All true what she says

[taurean 0]

I started typing a reply earlier today but ended up deleting it. However....JOMO said nearly exactly what I would have. The petition, then visa interview part and being separated IS difficult, and I feel your pain with that. It's sometimes very isolating to be in a situation where you are dealing with life apart from your SO. Isolating because as much as they love and care for you most of your friends and family just don't understand. So whatever feelings you have are pretty normal...the elation....and then the deflation. All I can say is that you are one step ahead of the game in recognizing all the feelings that come about during this process. No one can truly prepare you for the highs and lows, but if it is meant to be....you will get through it!!!

[chispas 0]

I started typing a reply earlier today but ended up deleting it. However....JOMO said nearly exactly what I would have. The petition, then visa interview part and being separated IS difficult, and I feel your pain with that. It's sometimes very isolating to be in a situation where you are dealing with life apart from your SO. Isolating because as much as they love and care for you most of your friends and family just don't understand. So whatever feelings you have are pretty normal...the elation....and then the deflation. All I can say is that you are one step ahead of the game in recognizing all the feelings that come about during this process. No one can truly prepare you for the highs and lows, but if it is meant to be....you will get through it!!!

Can I hear an AMEN

[Ta Ta 1]

I started typing a reply earlier today but ended up deleting it. However....JOMO said nearly exactly what I would have. The petition, then visa interview part and being separated IS difficult, and I feel your pain with that. It's sometimes very isolating to be in a situation where you are dealing with life apart from your SO. Isolating because as much as they love and care for you most of your friends and family just don't understand. So whatever feelings you have are pretty normal...the elation....and then the deflation. All I can say is that you are one step ahead of the game in recognizing all the feelings that come about during this process. No one can truly prepare you for the highs and lows, but if it is meant to be....you will get through it!!!

You have been a source of calm in my struggle and I appreciate you Taurean !

[JJWashington 0]

Jomo and Taurean said what I was going to try to say. I think the emotional rollercoaster is going to be a long ride. Every day is a challenge. We are getting through it by taking one day at a time. Just prepare by being prepared.

[Perseverance 1]

I also agree with all of the above, all you can do is take things one day at a time. Take care of what you have control over right now. There were days that I emotionaly supported him b/c he was having a hard day, or vice versa. I can only imagine the added stress of your SO being the eldest son, that intails a whole other responsibility to him. Something than here in our culture we may not entirely grasp. I can understand how the news of him leaving can be bittersweet to his family.

JOMO is right that once arrives a new kind of stress takes over, I did not relax until he had his GC in hand. And things were ROUGH until he got a job, I too busted my tail and worked 2 jobs to keep things running smoothly. That is not easy for an African man to watch, ( hee hee or swallow) But you can get through it. We will have been maried a year 2/16/08 and we are finally having some peace in our lives. There have been many misunderstandings, and moments of " what the heck just happened here" I think that everone goes through it, most people are quiet about it. I can say that it was refreshing for me to find out that I was not alone, in my experiences, that there were other going through the same thing. I was like oh ok this is part of the process, but at first I was like HUH? it really helps to find someone you can relate to who relates to your situation. That was also hard when friends and family dont get it...and believe me they dont

The good news is you can get through it just fine. My advice is one he gets here to file for AOS ASAP to avoid any prolonging of the "I am going crazy b/c I can not work phase"

Just remember one day at a time...

[ose_n_me 0]

Thanks everyone for all the luv. I wasnt really meaning for this to be "my pity party" LOL...

I wanted others to share their feelings and experiences with this "emotional rollercoaster" we all riding right now. Kinda as a means to vent, or get their feelings out. But maybe with all the negative vibes that have been flowing around here lately, no one feels comfortable sharing. Thats ok too. Just wanted to give an outlet if anyone felt they needed to release!!!

God Bless

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Truthfully, it comes for me in waves.

Right now I'm okay. I miss Bassi. In our phone conversation tonight, he started laughing heartily, and tears came to my eyes. Just because I could see before my eyes how goofy he looks when he's having a big belly laugh and I wished I was there that moment enjoying him laughing. But I didn't break down, it was a moment and the conversation continued. But then I have weeks where I feel like I'm suffocating and can't make clear decisions cause I feel a little like someone else has control of my life all be it temporary. I have NEVER felt out of control in my life. No drinking, drugs anything like that. I'm totally unprepared from personal experience where my only choice is to walk away, and that's not a real choice for me. I know this man is the other half that God meant for me. So, I know that I can't walk away. I have to make it through this process. So, since I'm good now, I can be supportive to those feeling weaker. When I'm feeling particularly weak, I'll come on looking for support.

Edited January 20, 2008 by Bassi and Zainab

[Perseverance 1]

I remember feeling like my life was on hold, I felt that way till he got is GC, then I could breathe again.

[ose_n_me 0]

So, since I'm good now, I can be supportive to those feeling weaker. When I'm feeling particularly weak, I'll come on looking for support.

Beautifully said! Exactly what I was hoping for with this thread! Hope others will feel the same. We all need shoulders to cry on sometimes. (I miss Ose too )