What Do You Think

[Ta Ta 1]

Kept it real.......

Answer all you like on the question, but I didn't ask for a psychological analysis of myself. I have a highly qualified therapist that helps me do me just fine, thank you. Not recruiting for a new one. Just want to know what others unrelated to the issue would read into those two tiny lines, and they have done that for the most part.

Omoba you know we cool girl! Still ain't gettin' no jackpot, but we cool. Please don't stop commenting because your posts help me to remember that initial feeling of unconditional love that I felt in the beginning when it was untainted by trickery and deception. I do appreciate that perspective and it also reminds me to not be totally unbending if I want to have that again so thanks for that. I still got my 8 spider eyes, but I'll leave a few closed from time to time. See, I get goodies from people's posts too!

First no jackpot and now you won't lay on my couch when I have all those Christmas bills to pay off .....yuh no easy at all ......I was going to

give you the VJ discount too

Yeah we cool !

Remember, I am a seasoned veteran in relationships and have a past 24 year marriage under my belt.

So my unconditional love is not always as unconditional as I would like it to be from past hicups.....no shall I say past holding my breath and turning red with furry ......so when I am posting about trust and forgiveness it comes from deep within after being in God's boot camp called CHANGE.

I have been through hell ....and back.....several times. I was a bitter old hag full of revenge until one day I decided to walk in love , not being naive but

making a conscious choice by God's power to change my outlook.

There is a real story behind my posts and not just fluff and vulnerability, puppy dogs and rainbows.

Keeping it real in my own way to encourage

[ForeverAmen 0]

There is a real story behind my posts and not just fluff and vulnerability, puppy dogs and rainbows.

Keeping it real in my own way to encourage

Whew! Thank goodness ..... you were starting to make me a little concern.

[BESANGIN 0]

Kept it real.......

Answer all you like on the question, but I didn't ask for a psychological analysis of myself. I have a highly qualified therapist that helps me do me just fine, thank you. Not recruiting for a new one. Just want to know what others unrelated to the issue would read into those two tiny lines, and they have done that for the most part.

Omoba you know we cool girl! Still ain't gettin' no jackpot, but we cool. Please don't stop commenting because your posts help me to remember that initial feeling of unconditional love that I felt in the beginning when it was untainted by trickery and deception. I do appreciate that perspective and it also reminds me to not be totally unbending if I want to have that again so thanks for that. I still got my 8 spider eyes, but I'll leave a few closed from time to time. See, I get goodies from people's posts too!

First no jackpot and now you won't lay on my couch when I have all those Christmas bills to pay off .....yuh no easy at all ......I was going to

give you the VJ discount too

Yeah we cool !

Remember, I am a seasoned veteran in relationships and have a past 24 year marriage under my belt.

So my unconditional love is not always as unconditional as I would like it to be from past hicups.....no shall I say past holding my breath and turning red with furry ......so when I am posting about trust and forgiveness it comes from deep within after being in God's boot camp called CHANGE.

I have been through hell ....and back.....several times. I was a bitter old hag full of revenge until one day I decided to walk in love , not being naive but

making a conscious choice by God's power to change my outlook.

There is a real story behind my posts and not just fluff and vulnerability, puppy dogs and rainbows.

Keeping it real in my own way to encourage

RIGHT ON SISTER!!!!!!! Mine wasn't 24 years but it sure as hell felt like it!!!!! SO maybe I was married in dog years!!!!

[Ta Ta 1]

It was a marriage to a USC that I was talking about.

Also had a relationship with a Nigerian, a good and decent guy, we just didn't work out for other reasons.

Really Boaz ? You thought I was a fluffy kind of case with my head buried in the sand ?

Ok guys just next time you read me remember my past

* runs back to spread cheer *

[Ta Ta 1]

Besanging.......those dog years can creep up on ya .....one feels like seven and you look back and ask yourself how was I able to stay

in this thing for sooooooooo long ?

The best is yet to come !

[ForeverAmen 0]

It was a marriage to a USC that I was talking about.

Also had a relationship with a Nigerian, a good and decent guy, we just didn't work out for other reasons.

Really Boaz ? You thought I was a fluffy kind of case with my head buried in the sand ?

Ok guys just next time you read me remember my past

* runs back to spread cheer *

OK. I will remember.

[*JG* 2]

Hello All,

I guess its now my turn to get feedback on something I heard today. Its about my EX. I have always had mixed emotions about his true intentions and our marriage. I have gone back and forth about did he really love me and it just went bad or did he do it all for the mighty green card. Well he is currently in Nigeria. I was chatting with my maid of honor for my wedding and I was saying to her that I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what he is telling his family about me. He was scared to tell them that we broke up so I did, so he lied and told them that I put him out and that I was the one who wanted a divorce because I was cheating. Anyway, She said that she had heard that he awas saying only good things about me. then she said he gave this reason and I quote, "he didnt wanna be hooked to anybody's string. he wanted to be his own man and do his own things his own way,". So how am I supposed to process this? To me that is saying, I got my green card so now I needed my freedom. Oh, here is the first part of what she had heard from her brother and parents. "Was told he said, he did waht he did for his freedom." I told her If he were a smart and sincere man he would have weighed all of that before he committed to a marriage. He knew that Americans don't shun divorce as much as Nigerians so if he didn't like his situation he could easily get out of it. Otherwise why lie to your family about it? Anyway what do you think?

I have a friend who is married to this Jamaican guy. Same kind of thing, they were married 6 years before it all fell apart. He ended up cheating on her. One day, she found the evidence she was looking for and kicked him out. Long, drawn out story....short.....he wouldn't tell any family or friends what really happened. He told them all she went crazy and just kicked him out for no reason. It's been almost a year of living seperately,and to this day, the only information with any truth to it has been told by my friend.

Some men just can't take the responsibility on themselves, so they lie to everyone around them. Eventually, they talk themselves into believing those lies. Whatever helps them get through it, I guess.

[ogele 0]

Besangin:

I am glad that many who have responded to your post will not be judges in a real criminal court(knock on wood).I say so because innocent souls would hang on mere assumptions.Our ancestors,those wise sages,have an ancient proverb that, “the mind is like a bag,and every person carries their own.”You can only know the contents of my "bag" if I choose to show you.Based on this ancient counsel,I am inclined to agree with Omoba’s initial response to your post.Besangin,there is very limited information you provided to attempt an objective analysis.Hence,any responses that claim to explain your ex husband’s heart based on your post will be patently flawed.Only your ex husband can truly tell what his true original and current intensions/feelings are.

Now,the popular theme in most of the responses thus far is that your ex husband is lying to save face among family and friends,in Nigeria.To be sure,we Nigerians and Africans in general abhor divorce.But there is a fine print that follows,one which those not conversant with the various traditions miss.The beauty of many a Nigerian cultural worldview is that there can never be finality to anything.Not even death!We scorn divorce,yes,but we also say that it is better for a man or woman to get out of a perilous marriage than to die in it.That is why you hardly hear of a spouse killing their partner in Nigeria.If it becomes most intolerable,people do leave marriages,and families do offer succor to their own.

I do not feel comfortable revealing this,but if it will help even one decent soul out there safeguard their marriage and happiness,then it is worthwile.When you hear the truth that Nigerian cultures hold divorcees in contempt,please know that this for the most part applies to couples whose union has been solemnized under a mutually shared cultural philosophy of marriage.For example,in my neck of the woods Nigeria,a marriage takes place only after very exhaustive traditional marriage processes,from the initial declaration of interest;traditional family background checks(formal or informal:whose daughter or son is your spouse? Is there a history of stealing and or crimes in the family?Are they hardworking,or more inclined to doing jail terms for crimes?Serioulsy,no kindred wants in-laws who are bad news);to the very important and solemn negotiation of the dowry which culminates in the traditional marriage ceremony,as witnessed by one’s village elders,kinsmen,age grade,and yes,the ancestors through libation.You see,the traditional marriage process is a family’s way of saying, “we drink to this sacred union because we find our child to be worthy of our family name.”It is a marriage consummated through this most rigorous and complex process that earns the scorn of family and friends in the event of a frivolous divorce.Other than that,no one really gives a hoot wether the marriage starts,or ends. On this basis,your ex has little or no reason to lie.All he needs say is that he simply wanted out.

Secondly,just as Western societies have their pre-conceived beliefs about the values of traditional African societies,so also do the latter societies have theirs of the West.It is believed in Nigeria that the institution of marriage in America is no more than a sad joke.Americans are believed to place a high premium on divorce.I think that the statistics are there to prove it.It is this preconception that would eliminate the need for your ex husband to lie on the one hand,and his family or friends to shun him over the divorce,on the other hand.Unless you were loved unconditionally by his family(a love that comes via mutual bonding between in-laws and potential spouse,over time),I think they would simply say to him, “we told you so.”Now,please remember that all this has nothing to do with the quality of lady you are.

In summary,I have a belief that you are a decent lady.I also know that your Mr.Charming is out there searching for you.My prayer is that you two run into each other sooner than later,amen.But regarding your ex husband,you can never know the truth unless he tells you.I personally feel it is not worth a broken penny trying to analyze what he has been saying about your past relationship.It may be tempting to do so but,stay strong. To all my fellow travelers,I hope that I can find time to share some of the avoidable snafus readily discernable in intercultural marriages of the African and American species.They are those "inconsequential" issues in American culture,but "abomination" in the African worldview.Truly,it is the little things that have been known to unravel otherwise beautiful trans-Atlantic marriages.I wish you all well,and a most rewarding 2008!

[BESANGIN 0]

Besangin:

I am glad that many who have responded to your post will not be judges in a real criminal court(knock on wood).I say so because innocent souls would hang on mere assumptions.Our ancestors,those wise sages,have an ancient proverb that, “the mind is like a bag,and every person carries their own.”You can only know the contents of my "bag" if I choose to show you.Based on this ancient counsel,I am inclined to agree with Omoba’s initial response to your post.Besangin,there is very limited information you provided to attempt an objective analysis.Hence,any responses that claim to explain your ex husband’s heart based on your post will be patently flawed.Only your ex husband can truly tell what his true original and current intensions/feelings are.

Now,the popular theme in most of the responses thus far is that your ex husband is lying to save face among family and friends,in Nigeria.To be sure,we Nigerians and Africans in general abhor divorce.But there is a fine print that follows,one which those not conversant with the various traditions miss.The beauty of many a Nigerian cultural worldview is that there can never be finality to anything.Not even death!We scorn divorce,yes,but we also say that it is better for a man or woman to get out of a perilous marriage than to die in it.That is why you hardly hear of a spouse killing their partner in Nigeria.If it becomes most intolerable,people do leave marriages,and families do offer succor to their own.

I do not feel comfortable revealing this,but if it will help even one decent soul out there safeguard their marriage and happiness,then it is worthwile.When you hear the truth that Nigerian cultures hold divorcees in contempt,please know that this for the most part applies to couples whose union has been solemnized under a mutually shared cultural philosophy of marriage.For example,in my neck of the woods Nigeria,a marriage takes place only after very exhaustive traditional marriage processes,from the initial declaration of interest;traditional family background checks(formal or informal:whose daughter or son is your spouse? Is there a history of stealing and or crimes in the family?Are they hardworking,or more inclined to doing jail terms for crimes?Serioulsy,no kindred wants in-laws who are bad news);to the very important and solemn negotiation of the dowry which culminates in the traditional marriage ceremony,as witnessed by one’s village elders,kinsmen,age grade,and yes,the ancestors through libation.You see,the traditional marriage process is a family’s way of saying, “we drink to this sacred union because we find our child to be worthy of our family name.”It is a marriage consummated through this most rigorous and complex process that earns the scorn of family and friends in the event of a frivolous divorce.Other than that,no one really gives a hoot wether the marriage starts,or ends. On this basis,your ex has little or no reason to lie.All he needs say is that he simply wanted out.

Secondly,just as Western societies have their pre-conceived beliefs about the values of traditional African societies,so also do the latter societies have theirs of the West.It is believed in Nigeria that the institution of marriage in America is no more than a sad joke.Americans are believed to place a high premium on divorce.I think that the statistics are there to prove it.It is this preconception that would eliminate the need for your ex husband to lie on the one hand,and his family or friends to shun him over the divorce,on the other hand.Unless you were loved unconditionally by his family(a love that comes via mutual bonding between in-laws and potential spouse,over time),I think they would simply say to him, “we told you so.”Now,please remember that all this has nothing to do with the quality of lady you are.

In summary,I have a belief that you are a decent lady.I also know that your Mr.Charming is out there searching for you.My prayer is that you two run into each other sooner than later,amen.But regarding your ex husband,you can never know the truth unless he tells you.I personally feel it is not worth a broken penny trying to analyze what he has been saying about your past relationship.It may be tempting to do so but,stay strong. To all my fellow travelers,I hope that I can find time to share some of the avoidable snafus readily discernable in intercultural marriages of the African and American species.They are those "inconsequential" issues in American culture,but "abomination" in the African worldview.Truly,it is the little things that have been known to unravel otherwise beautiful trans-Atlantic marriages.I wish you all well,and a most rewarding 2008!

Ogele, I thank you so much for your perspective and VALUABLE knowledge into your culture. That is my mistake that I without hesitation admit. I didn't take the time to find not even a little bit of what you said about the culture. I figured we'd learn it as we went along, and I trusted the words and promises that he gave. So I own that. That is what I want to leave others with here too is to know its deeper than the blue skys and rainbows of that new love. Although I have put that behind me, I would be portraying myself as a super human if I stated that I never think about things or I never wonder about things, but truth is I do. I always go back to that doesn't define who I am as a woman, that is my past, and I now have knowledge to use for my furture relationship. But your words do make me pose another question, why lie then if there is no need and they told him so? If he has his freedom and green card he can do and go where ever, why stay in the same city, why do you keep trying to get in my business and such? Is that just a man thing? I keep my distance for the most part 'cause for me its done, and do not entertain the thought of reconcilliation at all. Is it possible because I do remain cordial if I hear from him or see him that he may think that there is a possibility one day? Maybe I should be cold and just tell him to quit trying to be friends and go do you. Again You are very wise and eloquent writer. Do you got a single brother in the USA looking for a DIAMOND?????? 'Cause Mommy can sho' upgrade 'em like Beyonce!!!!! LOL!!!