Being real about marriage!!!

[Simply_Uno 1]

lemon or lime?

lime, with a hint of mint

[ose_n_me 0]

yeah...uhhh..Can I get a shot, make it a double...of that ANTI-hatorade, and a Corona with lime for a chaser please!

[LovinLiberia 0]

at this moment, any flavor will do!

[Ta Ta 1]

Theone already apologized for the derogatory comments she made earlier about Nigerian men and soon will catch on

what is happening here and then hopefully make a wise decision as to what is going on here.

I take some hot herbal tea please ! Warm and calming

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

oooo drama!

[idocare 3]

I'm thinking she just threw a number out there but didn't mean that exact percentage. Picky Picky Picky bunch.

Boo Boo please read contents of post so when you post your post will make sense.

[boo boo 1]

please practice what you preach...ok?????

[idocare 3]

actually I do all the time.

[boo boo 1]

I am not going to argue, but just know that I disagree with you...you have said many ridiculous things (150% of the time)......my husband told me that I should let you be...it is useless talking to you. Good night and sweet dreams!!!!

[Lily1 0]

I've read this post and another previous post about some failed relationships with African/Nigerian men. I just HAD to say something. VJ is a forum for people to share their good news, bad news, lessons and even failures. If people just want to come here to read only good and positive things that's their choice but...its not REALITY.

The reality is that just as people are meeting their loves, there are people who are hurting and angry at being decieved or realizing that the differences are too much for them to handle. International relationships aren't just love and paperwork. When you choose this relationships you're taking on a lot. And there's a dark reality that there are people from all over the world who are willing to lie, cheat and manipulate unsuspecting people into a relationships, marriage and even having kids. i hope that this forum can be a space to support EVERYONE - not just those did all the right things or have good news to share.

My personal lesson learned is this. "Don't risk more than you can afford to lose."

My husband is Ethiopian. I don't regret my decision to enter into a relationship with him. HOWEVER, I am happy that I never sponsored him for his greencard. Had i, it would have been a huge crushed to be his financial sponsor after really getting to know what kind of person he really is. I won't go into the details of what went wrong. All i can say is that my husband knows its not working for me and he's AGGRESSIVELY trolling yahoo personals and muslim singles looking for other woman. One day he tells me he can't live without me and within hours he's chatting with btwn four to seven different women.

I feel sorry for whomever gets caught up with him. But I'm happy for myself for NOT invested too much - esp once I saw that some bad patterns of dishonesty. contradictions, selfishness and unwillingness to take personal responsibility. I support international relationships. But people need to have their eyes open at the same time. Take my views only as friendly advice. "Follow your heart but don't risk more than you can afford to lose"

Please feel free to PM for more deets.

what do you mean by you were not sponsoring him ?

[Lily1 0]

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

lol you made me laugh i needed it lol ,, i am a pure ethiopian and i can def understand what you are coming from ,, the diff in culture can be a headache with out the problem being a big deal here i see two huge cultural differences , i think you could have handled it better because this is a western coutry where you " cook your own food" what was he thinking when he tells you ' where is my food " hack no ,,, he should have gotten him self and gets it sorry if i offend you by saying this ,, it is your husband after all but he is some how still acting different some ethiopian man are not like this either

[Lily1 0]

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

lol you made me laugh i needed it lol ,, i can def understand what you are coming from ,, the diff in culture can be a headache with out the problem being a big deal here i see two huge cultural differences , i think you could have handled it better because this is a western coutry where you " cook your own food" what was he thinking when he tells you ' where is my food " hack no ,,, he should have gotten him self and gets it sorry if i offend you by saying this ,, it is your husband after all but he is some how still acting different some ethiopian man are not like this either

Edited October 13, 2009 by Lily1

[ChuckandRhean 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

The only left in life are lessons learned.Recognizing and accepting the person we love for who they are. In return , that person values and embraces the way we are ,too.

[GabiandVi 34]

Just to add my experience to the sharing, I've been with my husband for 7 years and married to him for 5 years, though in the last couple of years, due to career obligations and finances, we have been living in different countries.

First, before my following comments, let me say that I don't regret my marriage, and I still believe we will be married until death parts us. However, I have to think that whoever said that you could have the same problems if you married an American must be from the same culture as their SO. Cultural differences are a HUGE issue in my marriage, and, according to research, to every intercultural marriage. According to people who have studied this, as well as common sense, the biggest problems come in relationships between men from cultures where women are not as socially elevated as men married to women from cultures where women have been socially elevated to be equal to men (the typical American culture included in the latter.) While African women are strong and independent, and girl children are as valued as boy children, they are not really equal. There are very clear divides between the sexes in most sub-Saharan cultures. And the traditional roles that African women seem to accept without dissent are not roles that even I, raised in a very conservative family, can accept without dissent.

There are also communication issues, and I'm not just talking about language differences, though that is also significant. I'm talking about the ways we communicate. It is true that men do not communicate the same way women of the same culture communicate, but throw a cultural difference into the mix and you get the most frustrating situation you could imagine. It is important to the success of your marriage that you recognize this. You have to remember to examine how you are communicating whenever you find yourself about ready to fight. Chances are, it is a communication problem.

While I would marry my husband again, if a young woman were to seek my advice, I would say, don't get involved with someone from another culture. It makes life more interesting, and there is something to be said about that, but if you aren't already seriously involved with someone from a different culture, your life will be much easier if you stick with a man from your own culture. If you are already involved with someone from a different culture, continue with your eyes open. If you aren't prepared for the issues that will arise around your cultural differences, you will be very unhappy.

And always have a good sense of humor. This is important for the success of any marriage, but perhaps more so for the success of an intercultural marriage, and there are probably more opportunities to have a good laugh in an intercultural marriage.

[SweetBliss 0]

Hi

I just wanted to add a comment as well, I married a Nigerian and we have been married for 2 years, and I have to say trying to blend cultures together is almost the hardest thing ive done in my life. My husband is very tradional in his views about women, and almost cannot believe the way American men are so helping in house hold matters. We have a difficult time because we are in a small town where there are few blacks and also Nigerians only want to hang with there own people, so that leaves me doing things alone many times, Its been quite a Journey for us, at times I just feel like giving up, because I seem to be the one giving in more to suit what ever were doing. So Im not sure what the future holds but I do know if I had to do this all over again, I would probably think twice.